...

I understand the want to 'not feel'. Weirdly, I also think when everything is up in the air, all change and nothing feels predictable - sometimes gambling does feel predictable and comforting in a totally rubbish way. Obviously, it is not the right choice to make but at the time it feels like you know what to expect. You can switch off and just "do it". Lots of other ways to switch off like that: craft projects are always good, sewing, jewellery making, art of any kind. Takes full concentration so you forget everything else. Yoga, running, meditation, maybe a zumba class even? Anything you can get absorbed in and forget the rest of the world. For me, this is sometimes a good book that I can get absorbed in.

I am so proud of you for taking a pay cut to put your wellbeing first. It is very hard to do and shows compassion toward yourself which is a very good sign within recovery, I find 🙂

As for being isolated - don't know about your new job but presumably you will meet new colleagues there? Maybe you could look for local groups to meet people? Book clubs, running clubs anything you are interested in where you will meet like-minded people.

It's totally normal to feel so overwhelmed and fear about mortgage is standard too. I don't know anyone who didn't freak out a bit when they bought their first property. There are no guarantees in life, we have to just try our best and see what happens.

Hope there is a little excitement in the mix there too?

f x

Hi Sandra , just popping by to thank you for your kind message this morning , it meant a lot to me :))

Stay safe lovely lady and I'll catch up soon

xx

Thanks gals and boyz 🙂

Diary!

I need to record today because it has meant so much to me! I hardly feel pride in myself but today i do! Truly do.
Last couple of weeks were really stressful, but today i had so many questions answered and put my mind at ease instantly. My heart smiled, it truly did & that doesn't happen often.
It felt like being surrounded by angels! Person in front of me explaining really important stuff which will change my life forever, will let me open the door to a lil scary but exciting chapter! On my left - best friend i could ever asked for, assuring look/nod, energy to keep believing myself cause all is not that scary! Thank you so so much dear Sesuo! ...i truly believe in miracles now...but, yup..change has to take place, things doesnt just happen like that from the thick air. Work has to be put into new beginnings also.
Yes Freda, i kind of feeling excitement towards the changes now. Big weight has been lifted off my shoulders, it feels so so much better and a lot of fear of the unknown gone!

We also had a chat about gambling (after all its the beast we are dealing with every day). The conclusion we both reached - "better don't f**k it up going forwards" lol. That's true, i see how much my crazy friend treasure this new found life and how better it all is when fog has lifted....fear of f*****g it up will always follow me (personally), but all i can do is work hard, keep clarity going and simply appreciate life for what it is. Today it's wonderful! Today, i can proudly say that i am making the steps to better future...yes, even through tears i can still see what is out there if i allow it in my life. It's my oyster, it's my choice ..it's my freedom!

I shall take it. Today was an ordinary day for some, however today was a turning point for me...for the better.

I just wanted to log this & look back tommorow and next week so i can be reminded that anything is possible if you put your heart and soul to it...so that keeping hope up truly works...so that life is what you make it out to be.

Thank you diary, thank you Sesuo, all GC users and that "Gist" lorry driver who kindly let me to overtake him and returned the smile in my direction! ☺

Good day, will never forget it - onwards & upwards!

S x

Nice post S , Glad youv'e had a great day and I'm glad your looking forward with a little excitement towards your future , little changes can make everything fall in to place so well done you for making it happen .

Have a good night x

Awwww, just LOVING that happiness beaming out of your post. It felt like sunshine on my face to read it 🙂

So happy you are feeling so great about the house now.

High fiiivvvvvveee!!!!!

f x

It looked like sunshine too f...I'm just honoured that my lil Sesuo took me along for the ride & so glad you all got to experience the buzz too 🙂

Just having a catch up after being awol for a while. Saw your last post....can you see the huge smile on my face? I'm so, so happy for you. It's amazing how far those little steps can take you. Good on you for doing it lovely. x

Hey S 🙂

​Thanks for your support on my diary. I really do appreciate it.

​Just read your last post... Nice to see things going so well! Hope everything's still super cool and groovy with you!

​Den.

Thanks Sandra. Always appreciated x

Hey, S x x

Just checkin in with you. Hope all is well, my dear x x

Hey Freda and all, thanks for your messages ☺

Highs followed with lows and unfortunately i find myself swimming with t***s a lil. Stress is immense and even if i cannot revert back i am trying to run from myself. Change is taking place and im still in the process of accepting it. Loneliness gets unbearable sometimes and i start beating myself up. Saturday was the worst day. The day i nearly turned to gambling only cause i felt failure and wanted to end it all .
I keep remembering dear LB's words to V. Destination will not make any difference if you keep taking the same person with you whatever you go. I know that me changing jobs and now feeling like i have no place to live either is not gonna be the magic i thought it was. I'm still me, this person who keeps suffering with her emotions and surfing lives ups & downs. I know that this won't fix me until i fix my mental state...but at least I'm trying,that's all i can do.

Last days at work ticking along, more pressure coming my way.

Not turning back - moving on for the better or worst no matter how daunting it feels.

Hope everyone is ok on here, am not as active anymore. 3D life is taking over. Let it be searching for places, working, vollunteering or visiting Sister...seem like grabbing every opportunity available to keep clearing this head from fear and allowing some distraction...helps for a time being but when four walls start closing in on me, the tears breaks out freely...

Sorry for a lil low update. It's not all bed of roses but I'm fighting my way forward.

No gambling features here for today...

Blessings to all, tk care my lovely cyber friends

((((((All)))))))

S x

Hi Sandra,

Glad to read you are embracing the changes, and adapting to the stresses/pressures that come with it - it won't always be a bed of roses, and I know the rollercoaster of emotions that comes in this recovery. Nothing wrong with focusing on 3d life - that is exactly what we come here to try and fix.

Proud of all the effordt you are putting in, and while you may not see them straight away, proud of the successes you are achieving.

Ryan xxx

These feelings are normal and will pass. Ride em 😉

f x

No need to apologise for feeling low. We don't say sorry when we're happy and sharing the good stuff...what's the difference? They're all just emotions. It's good to get them out rather than let them fester. And if you're going to cry then really go for it. Don't hold back. Have a full on snotty, mascara running ugly cry. They're the best kind.

And as for what I said to V? Don't take any notice of me...what do I know?! 🙂 Listen, there's something in that idea somewhere. Wherever we go we do take ourselves with us, so merely changing location isn't the magic answer. But I think you are (and have been) doing more than just that. You've been looking at your self, making changes, addressing the things that need action. I think you've changed in the time that I've known you on here. So, you won't be taking the old you...the new improved S will be making the move.

You've got lots of exciting (maybe scary) things going on right now. It's bound to be stressful. Cut yourself some slack and don't be too hard on yourself. I'm wondering if the down days seem worse now that you're experiencing more good days? When it's all blah the ups and downs are more constant...emotions are more level. But now that you're experiencing more good stuff it might make the bad days seem worse? Not sure if that makes sense?

KOKO my friend. LB x

Thanks for the post. There's never any need to reply (I'm the worst at that, as I'm sure you know).

Listen, It's not for me to tell you that you've changed for the better. If you don't feel it, then that's that. You feel how you feel. I just want to make sure you're not discounting the positives. It's very easy to not see the good stuff. To disount the advances that we've made or to let them be outweighed by the less noble stuff. Yes, you're a grumpy, stroppy b****h at times. But at least you're honest with it. Many people aren't. And as for compassion, well..unless all the posts of support and welcome and encouragement you write to people are all just pure bs then I'm not going with that one either. I think you've made progress because I don't think someone who hadn't would have taken a pay cut for their well being or would be taking the plunge to move. I think you've made progress because some things are really scary and you're feeling that and doing them anyway. Fair enough if you don't feel that way. You know better than me how you are, but you're still here, and still fighting and I believe that in itself says something about you.

LB x