...

Thanks every1

Diary,

Long time no speak..or maybe it's just me sitting in this rocket and going at the speed of light.
Soo..sat with coffee in my hand and waiting for tick tock till i can wonder out for my vollunteering, sit down and look pretty at the meeting we supposed to have. Not sure if it's when i should mention that i just did 3 nightshifts with hardly any sleep, had emotional breakdown few times over weekend finding out that my sister is being mentally & physically abused by the "love of her life" , rivers of tears due to the same and stress i have towards " new beginnings" and feeling like I'm outta job cause i just said farewell to my team.... feel mentally and physically knackered but i hear that this will pass..not sure if i believe it at this moment lol..but hey, let's wait and see.

This weekend completely silenced me. And i mean proper shutting down. Cannot voice myself no matter how many times i tried. Just not happening..maybe too deep in thought.
Had few urges but mainly cause i wanted to "up the property deposit". Money is needed...but getting money this way will just finish me off..so maybe i shall stay put...i kind of still choosing life.

Errr..wht else has happened. Oh yeah, another past demon has crawled outta closet and .....and....well, i think it has got trapped between the door cause it's still playing up on my mind. It is what it is i suppose.

Alongside bottles of booze (they know me & my other addiction well huh), flowers and cake, got lovely card with well wishes from work...however one line is still playing on my mind hugely.
"Wish you to find someone who understands you". Yeah...i wish that too lol lol..maybe one day.

Ok..ranty & self pitty mood. All is left in mine almost like loosing fight is to find out if nights was really a trigger for my poor wellbeing. Maybe i will give a month in my new place and see if i can recover...or just catch up on sleeeeeeeeep properly.

If not....i shall keep my thought process noted & we will go from there.

No gambling to report. My new chapter starting now...for better or worse.
Ohh..btw, i started my "recovery" when i started at my no longer current job.. that has finished but i hope my road in this journey carries on.
Lol..i always manage to find sentiments in everything.

One day at a time.

S x

You are stronger than you will ever know. Lots of love to you at this difficult time. I can relate to not being able to believe that everything will be OK. I think just surrendering to the universe and getting through each day as it comes will stand you in very good stead. Just keep breathing in and out and not gambling. Everything else will take care of itself.

f x

Hi Sandra,

I'm glad that you will be finishing those night shifts, I've only done them occasionally during my working life (I did night watchman work....zzzzzz!). Personally I don't think that will be helping, and hope you'll see the benefits that come with regular sleep once you are in the new job. Then again, I'm typing this at nearly 1.30, so no guarantees I suppose.

Well done for supporting your sister too, it isn't easy, but sticking by family even when they are going through tough times is very important, they're the ones that'll still be with you in 30 years time.

Hope you've picked up your mood during the week, thinking of you.

Ryan x

Thanks for popping by my diary,

Good to hear from you, and I hope you have a fabulous day at the beach today. Sounds like a great way to recharge the batteries!

Tiredness is dangerous when you're traveling, especially if you do it a lot. Luckily I only have a short 10 minute drive to work, so I don't often have longer drives, but when I do I find that having a good CD to sing along to (for me it's Bon Jovi, Green Day, Frank Turner or Les Mis) and the windows open helps. It does mean that people get to hear me singing badly, but there's worse things in the world!

Keep staying positive and fighting through the bumps in the road, and when it comes to settling in to a new workplace, it'll take time but you'll get there.

Have a good weekend! xxx

Thank you all ☺

So diary,

Where to start? Went on a little journey today...just to see where i am at with gambling urges..

Hmmm...OMFG! i had quite strong one today 🙁 out of sudden, not expected and definitely not missed! Must of been the sounds of the arcades :-/... but, the big girl i am i kept walking till i reached the car park..result - safe place!

Work. Hmmmmm..where to start here? Apart from travelling & getting head full of tunes for the shift i find it difficult. Firstly - there are 1000 ppl walking in all directions at once and even if I'm a lil small (still..since I'm on taste panel by the looks of it i won't stay the same for long lol...cakes anyone?) I feel like being stamped on! Corridors or should i say tunnels are just a maze and good luck you if you had too much coffee and looking for a loo. It took me 10mins first time round and hell man, nappies was almost required. If you find your way to the shop floor you can pick 3 entries to go & play. Well..me being me...i always tried to make the right choice of door to go through lol..but i realised the "heaven" behind them all gets you to the same place :-0...
Next - safety comes first. If you're lucky to navigate your way to the final destination alive, you're a star! Ppl walks everywhere carrying stuff and pushing/pulling equipment. If you won't see them, they deffo won't give any notice of you..in other words - safe journey & good luck on ur travels!!
Next..still don't know where canteen is as didn't have time to find it yet :-(. Since i smoke, all i needed to find out is a safe journey to smoking shelter.
All in all is ok. Being trained well even if have to make a sentence up myself lol..seriously, i ask & get a answer about the weather...booo...language is an issue but who am i to complain..hand signage helps for now. & paperwork plus cra*cking the system will be on my own devices. It's in English ..yay!!! :-)))))

Journey home starts with me making a runner outta place with all the overalls and earplugs still in place (f**k this..i struggle to hear as it is...& now i need to wear these..no wonder i hear only lil "a" "b" or "c" in the conversation.)
As long as car is reached (3rd car park on the right) i can make my way outta gates! Security only saves bikes as I've been told as popped the question about gate entry code for next month..probs will park outside it on Monday lol.
The fun starts then..half asleep half awake changing all 7 radio stations i have in my lil golf (classic is not excluded this time) and off i go! The main hill i happen to overcome puts me bk into 3rd gear but who am i to complain again, i am slow driver anyway!..last two nights i was stuck between two trucks (i think they're the same and just is stalking me)..don't feel too good cause feel trapped lol and me overtaking is just impossible (the ones who seen my car's performance will know). ..so i just sing along some tunes, have some f**s and maybe a sandwich i prepared for original break..
So all is not too bad! Spending fortune on petrol, earning less and still living it day at a time! This is my life and the life i have chosen to save my mind from complete breakdown..i felt it going down hill..i don't want to go bk there again. 3 years did damage to my already suffering mindset. I will take my new life on, i will push through and for better or worse i am not going to give up now!

Besides...thanks Freda - " i am stronger than i think"..these words kept my ticker working just fine recently.

No gambling to report...sleeps awaits ☺

Stay safe all

S x

Smart girl Sandra... know thyself!!

Thanks amom ☺

Diary,

10miles in the bag but no peace gained. @ least some calories burnt lol.

Right.. changes huh. It's complete chaos at the minute and i can't believe that aiming for such lil thing as new start can create such destruction :-/

Don't expect it to be easy but tbh didn't realise it will b this tough going.

Now I'm looking at shared accommodation for a while..man...so cannot get used to the thought..it's really scary & uncomfortable! Due to some past events i truly struggle to step over the threshold of places. I'm scared to be trapped, locked up & loose the freedom to breathe. I was trying to address this & i think I'm making lil steps there but getting in a house with strangers is completely different challenge. Carry something for self defence? ..ha..don't think it's very lawful over here..

Everything seem to go down the s*** drain at the mo but i guess just need to keep pushing.

Every cell tells me to shut down, curl up in a ball & jut maybe expect not to face tommorow. Usual feelings i tend to have when find going difficult.
But i cannot curl up & die now. I am interested to see what tommorow brings..next month..year.

No gambling for today. I am not even sure why I'm typing here...it's not much to do with gambling...but from other point of view - it's everything to do with gambling!

Just for today i will keep pushing.

Hey sorry to hear you're having a bit of a tough time at the moment. But keep in mind that it really isn't forever. Awful you're having to o something you really aren't comfortable with, but try and stay strong and sure things, the future will start to look brighter soon. I spent last night reading stories online of people who have financially hit rock and bottom, wow great stories and amazing determination of those who got out of the life they hated and became happy again. Truly inspiring, think reading those is what has given me such strength this weekend. Good luck, stay strong. Keep writing on here, what ever is in your head, it's better than keeping it locked up in your head. Take Care. Cx

It's a bit risky going near the arcades to see where you're at with your gambling. It's great that you were able to walk on by, but why take the risk? Especially when you know you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. What is it that CW says? If you want to stay dry, keep away from wet places (or something like that). And of course all these feelings relate to your gambling. It might be tempting to use the false friend Mr. G to see you through this difficult patch. But you're wise enough to know it'll only make you feel so much worse. You've so much going on at the moment...the worry of your sister, a new job, changes to where you live...that's a lot for any of us. Keep digging deep. You absolutely have it in you to get through this.

LB x

On a practical level, I had a thought about the shared house. If you're talking short term would it be possible to stay in a cheap hotel/ B&B rather than have the stress of a shared house? They'd probably offer you special rates for a long stay. I'm all for facing your demons but sometimes you have to pick your battles and make life easy for yourself x

Hi Sandra... Thanks for your post and support:)I reply mainly in the late evening as I am in Canada ...although have certainly had my share of sleepless nights and many grey hairs to show for it.

Who knows why some end up with an addiction and some end up being the parent or spouse of an addict. I gave up on the whys years ago. Change, connection, faith and a real good measure of humour are what helps both my son and myself. Thank you so much for the kudos but I'm no different than anyone on either side of the fence fighting this addiction.

You have a lovely heart and spirit my dear... please keep fighting for yourself. You are so worth it:)

Cathyx

Hey, beautiful soul 🙂

This all sounds very normal and part of making big changes. Doesn't make it any easier, but good to remind yourself you're normal. Nothing wrong with you. This is one of the ways life can feel unmanageable. It's hard, right? Gripping on with your fingertips, wondering if you're gonna be able to 'hang in there'. Keep talking, expressing, connecting with whatever lets the pressure out a bit. Be kind to yourself and believe you can do this!

At times of change like this it helps me to look back at the last time I felt this way or went through this problem. It's good to remember that it felt the same, just as bad and notice that I came through it. Noticing that it did not last forever and got easier with time. It's gradually getting easier everyday, just like the sunset time changes slightly every day. You can't notice it because it's subtle like this but trust that just like you can notice today that the sun set a lot earlier than this time last month, sure enough in a few weeks you will notice how much easier things feel.

Keep doing your best every day. It's enough. Don't give up! Scream and shout, go to pieces at home when you can relax after a hard day. Let yourself feel. I promise this is the key - let yourself feel and it won't bottle up into something that feels overwhelming.

You got this, my friend!

A little tool that helps me when it all feels too much: http://www.duffthepsych.com/stopanxiety/

f x

Yo Sandra,

Can't really add any more than the good people who have added already.

Don't under estimate this big change your making at the moment. It's very admirable!

I'm very familiar with the area I believe you are moving to and I would say it's one of the nicest towns in the shire, with nice people to boot. Going into a house share if chosen wisely which u know you will, could really turn out to be one of the best moves you've ever made... your walking, talking, moving anda grooving in the right direction Sandra..

I'm hallucinating! :-((

Seriously, the other day i "replied to one post & re-read it back" just to find out in the morning that it wasn't there..
And now i sent an email out & already "got a reply" which made proper sense ...

Man ...why my mind takes me to such extremes! It all feels so real it almost scares me!..is it stress or overriding thoughts?...

Ya watch...i prob even not typing now..just an illusion lol

I need some Zzzz....else Coo-Coo house awaits & i don't feel ready for that just yet..

No gambling to report....god.....sleeps b good to me for once!

S x

Diary,

Don't know if I can do it.
To be honest it's the same as gambling..same emotions of worry, uselessness, stress, sleepless nights, panic... all positive is - there are no lies...i still have honesty so should be glad huh.

Spent last hour in a pool of tears, put others & myself to danger while driving near enough closed eyes. Why i find it so hard. Changes, decisions..f*****g mental this is.

I could choose permanent solution while in nights, and i still feel like being drawn to the same mindset.

Time maybe needed i just havent got much patience (same addict traits huh)...
Need holiday..just go and forget all this..

Gotta stay strong for my nephew..he is going through though path..only God knows how my poor decisions would affect him in his future.

World turns around money. Money also Kills.

No gambling.

Low post so sorry (again) but my diary is not a cheery place to be. Thanks for visiting anyway.

S