...

Hi Freda,

No worries about dissapeared post, thanks for dropping by ?. & No, same and only girlie in my life. Don't think I could handle two dogs with my routine!

Well, hi diary....

I wrote quite few poems in my time away, few self talk lines and bits and bobs...so I can keep writing something down as talking/writing is still very much my therapy.

It's not only strange to be back but also quite emotional. In many ways...I guess I am just greatful.

Not gonna ramble too much. Am nearing 70 days g free, receiving counselling and working at my flaws on daily basis. Socialising is extremely challenging, it feels like massive piece of me has died few years back and I struggle to bounce back in that respect...but again, small steps forward, never giving up on giving up!

Am still extremely active with gym. Even received a nickname at work as Xena lol...not sure if it's to do with warrior in battle field spirit or fitness levels lol... not gonna complain, it's good to feel and see the change of hard work inwardly and outwardly.

I shall leave it here. No partying, raving or dancing...I shall rather enjoy peace and serenity my day suddenly brought over.

Stay safe all, blessings ❤

S&B xx

Good morning diary,

Not the best of time in the day to be up and kicking but here we go! I'm on leave and guess just want to use every minute to its potential. (Not if I can be productive much at this time).

Dear Duncs asked about my beloved doggie. She indeed still dominates my life. I love her more with each and every day and the bond is growing stronger daily for sure. We celebrated her 6th birthday last week. Time flies so quick! I am just extremely blessed and greatful to have such companion in my life. She is truly amazing!

Am also thinking about recovery. (As I said I use my time wisely this morning ?). The journey with hills, roundabouts and obstacles. I lost count of the setbacks I had so far but still, i rise as dear Rach would say.  Today matters the most. The decisions and choices I make will lead me to better and more fulfilling tomorrow. 

I am greatful for an opportunity to make that choice. It's as simple as that. Life is not complicated if we don't make it to be. 

I know, easier said than done but little steps forward...anything is possible and maintaining this attitude and focus can only yeld good and positive results.

Blessings all ❤

You again Diary ?

Filling my boots now with posting lol..it's like I've been away for 10 years ?

Had quite tense and emotional counselling session. I still notice the lack of eye contact when I speak of some subjects. It's if I'm ashamed...yes, i guess thats what it is. Anyway, some good food for thought and again, the connection between gambling and life events is clear to see. All unhealthy choices...tut tut me but here we go, i am still here and trying.

Drinking is creeping back in now I stopped other self destruct methods and I am becoming concerned here. I am however glad I'm clocking it now and shall try and address this particular issue.

Anyway, went to the gym afterwards. Good session and had a chance to get my current "dissapointment" in myself out. 

Walk with babs and I'm back a little refreshed and calm again. 

Recovery is no way easy job. It requires commitment, acceptance, belief and hard work. ..however results can be outstanding! It's our life we are fighting for..our own one and only life in this universe. Time to make action, time to live again and enjoy the journey ahead.

Just for today - stay safe and well all,  blessings ❤

Morning diary!

Am extremely happy & excited today. Not sure why, just woke up with smile on my face. Its windy and chucking it down buckets over here but it's not clouding my morning (and hopefully day ?).

1 day off of 10 weeks g free and couldn't be more proud of myself! My last slip was around 74 days clean so I am happy I almost reached the same time now and have no intention going back to the "Dragon's den".

My identity also arrived today and I almost jumped on computer to book a flight home (I'm dying to see parents!!!!!) But then I read a form with it saying it's not activated until I send the signed form back ?. ..so I can't use my last 4 days of leave with my loved ones...but, ... I shall keep organising something really soon because my heart is so so longing a hug and a smile from parents...truly does.

Not sure what today brings but very positive gambling is not gonna be part of it.

Step at a time... stay safe all

Blessings ❤

So diary,

Day turned out to be a little deflated. But its ok, i knew i need to recover physically and emotionally. Physically, yes, i took a day off from activities. I know my body needs rest. Instead I ate ...lol...a lot but again, i need to recoup my calories.

I purchased the tickets! Yeah man...I'm coming home! ?..that's if all goes well in between these next two months. Didn't tell anyone about this and shall see how it goes.

Thought about recovery today. Basically, i usually rant on about everything apart gambling. Maybe I should make more reference about it. After all, that's why I'm here. Gambling brought me to my knees. Financially, emotionally, spiritually. 

Last episode proved how addicted and careless I am. I am still to recover from such shock I inflicted upon myself. ..but small steps forward.

I got a loan few months back. Most of the money went to sister..just because..she asked as she struggled. The rest for survival, paying off little debts, sorting car out, ...and obvs tickets back home. In a way it was good not to have pressing feeling of not being able to cope month to month, wage to wage, however im aware its borrowed money and i need to pay every penny of it over 5 years time...gulp...yes, a long time but that's what I have done to my current situation with the last relapse.

I thought about GA today. Meetings. I still have no intention of going even if deep down I know its helpful. ..I was just wondering about a step (I can't remember which one it is) where you ask for forgiveness. Do you need to do steps in order to attempt such step? Do you need to be in a program?

I know I bit the bullet with Duncs the other day. I simply apologised after over a year of zero communication. I risked the rejection but the man he is....of course he forgave me. ..not sure anyone knows how hard it was for me, the fear I have in these situations...but hey ?....thats the blessing i collected along the way.

I feel quite calm inside. Mainly cause I am in secured place with my girl by my side. I thought today how much anxiety it brings me when I have to say goodbye to her when I leave for work. It's truly heart breaking experience day in day out....and the happiness and relief I get when I see her after work. No words can express that.

Call me crazy dog lady or so lol....but she has saved my soul. To have such heavenly connection is also a blessing. She brings me outside world, greatfulness, love...simple things to enjoy.

There is a learning in life every step we take. Do we see those lessons? Do we choose to see? And that is a question. We can envolve in life without limits, it's a matter of how much we accept the change and how much of a open mind we want to keep.

All I know, and still working at - you are what you make out of yourself. And believe me...there are no limits in achieving your goals if you really want to get them.

Stay commited, stay safe, blessings all ❤

Congratulations Sandra on your continued abstinence from gambling. I admire the hard work you are putting into rebuilding your life, your wisdom and your compassionate nature. You may not attend GA but I believe you are living the Serenity Prayer by accepting the things you cannot change and having the courage to change the things you can.

I do enjoy reading your posts, which I have always considered inspirational and thought provoking. 

We are all different but fate has brought us together on this journey of recovery. I consider it an honour and a privilege to walk alongside good people like yourself.

Thank you for posting kind words on my diary. 

Stephen x 

Morning diary and thank you Stephen!

Another day in walk of life and I can say I had considerably good sleep (apart from feeling broken from turning, twisting, packing myself into the box since lil girl struggled to settle down and did rounds around the bed most of the night ?..at least I can say I'm flexible ?, sometimes I do find myself sleeping knees to my head to allow her space ?).

So, all is ok. I find myself a little overthinking again. Recovery stuff but just had a ? moment where i thought " As long as you see the benefits and feel better within yourself, do what is working".  I'm quite easy to put expectations upon myself. God forbid I'm striving for perfect! I do need to chill and take it easy. No matter how small progress I make, it's still a progress. And whatever future holds I shall meet head on when the time is right.

Today marks 4 months since I got back in the life of gym. With kind advice by one of the great team leaders on here I stuck to it 100%. Of course the idea was to get me out socialising a little, classes, team activities and so on. I can't say I succeeded in that respect but I am still getting myself out of comfort zone, still go, work hard and "meet" people. A nod here and there and a smile followed by "hello" is becoming common thing now so again, a little progress huh.

Physical transformation is mind blowing. Jeezzz, how many muscles are there in the body, who would of thought! I feel stronger physically and gaining my confidence accordingly. Win win in my eyes ?

No gambling thoughts recently, more so recovery mussings but I figured, i have to think about something to keep my head occupied. Rather healthy thoughts huh ?

All is as good as it can be. I'm alive, healthy, have roof over the head, food in a fridge, sound mind and peace in my heart.

I'm also on the road to learn some boundaries and address my behavioural flaws. I know these needs to be worked at to achieve the ultimate goal - be a better person....and I truly want to get there.

Day at a time, step at a time.

Stay safe all & blessings ?❤

Hi diary,

Not a good day so far. Terrible night's sleep with so much worry and rising anxiety. 

Woke up deflated. Desperately needed to speak to someone. Sis at work, dad's phone didn't connect...am sitting with my thoughts again.

Supposed to go and help someone to move today. However in the mindset I am, i politely asked to confirm if my help is needed but was told they are ok, so I cancelled...just like that...opportunity for at least a little company whilst doing a good deed for someone.

I'm almost giving up on myself. The affirmations kindly suggested by counsellor has stopped almost a week ago. I don't seem to stick to things which helps me..and I knew they did.

Urges..yup. the desire to go to nearby town  casino and gamble is increasing by an hour. Just how quickly I up the sticks and run from my emotions/ feelings huh.

Presently the devastating outcome (every time post gmbling) stops me in my tracks. I am aware of what will happen...and I truly don't want to put myself in that position again for a few minutes/ hours of escape.

Maybe this will pass, maybe I need to show myself more kindness. Maybe it's normal and I am only human being and all my feelings are valid. Good or bad. Maybe I just need to accept that. I'm not perfect...and I still want to learn about myself and world around me.

Maybe, i need to hold on to hope...keep holding on, never let go.

I shall do what I can do - my best for today.

Blessings ❤?

Hi diary,

Another lovely day almost reaching the peak of daylight before darkness falls again to usher us all in the land of dream.

Slept way better last night and kind of accumulated reserve for a short night tonight. 

Managed to catch up on emails with work even tho I shouldn't as it's day off. Am thinking ahead as pretty sure I will be burried under with so much tomorrow. ..so glad I ticked few things off the list..oh what a relief!

Urges came and gone yesterday. Thankfully clear mind won again and another day of peaceful freedom in the bag! 

Made an apology today. ..thought about the act of such gesture. Is it selfish to make YOU feel better and get rid of the heavy stone you carry or it's overall shout out for peace and harmony for all involved?. It's always in the back of my mind how the recipient gonna react...Will they  start a tirrade of points which made them hurt, will they accept apology and move on or will they brush it off as it wasn't a big deal and carry on ahead.

I'm not talking about apologising for accidental push in public or walking in someone's path...yes, i can be daydreaming sometimes and loose sense of my surroundings...

I'm on about deep rooted guilt feeling. Knowing that you were in the wrong however bravado didn't let you to get your head down and admit it. ..and sometimes (this is weird one) I don't even realise I was in a wrong or what I should apologise for. But is it ego talking again?

Such act comes with kindnes I suppose. It's not only words and for some people it can take months if not years to make such step. I know I am like that. I carry guilt for a long time...not forgetting, just carrying it within.  It's a tricky one indeed. 

The other day, i felt frustration rising while was in a supermarket. I took place in a queue with one customer with quite a bit of shopping, belt full. Cashier was talking to the customer and I just brushed it off. A queue on the next cashier had three customers.  I watched as they cleared one by one but the belt i stood at almost didn't move an inch. I am almost sure my bitchy face showed up briefly while I was tap dancing in the spot my patience wearing away by the second. Cashier next to me was empty and I almost transferred all my shopping onto it to speed the matters but something held me back...respect to the cashier who was still chit chatting away? ....or being in the spot of embarrassment? ...

I don't know. I just waited....and then I felt very bad for feeling this way. It's like I had somewhere to rush to huh...no, i wasn't in a rush and yes, the cashier had right to catch up with her mate. Who knows how long they haven't seen each other, what hours they work and how much time they have to catch up. Maybe they're very good friends and gets to talk once in a blue moon...or maybe it was something rather important to be told to hold each other up...who knows...I'm not here to judge. 

It was just strange to watch myself from the side. I still have impatience and oh man, it's showing...

Random thought...talking about rush. While I was in London the other week and took a proud spot on the left hand side on a escalator. ..yup, what a mistake! Didnt hear one "excuse me", "can i pass", "move"....all just seem to be happy to trample over you regardless of your mistake or lack of education.  My sister had to pull me to the opposite site giving me right talking to about the "rules & etiquette" of those places. I still have this burning question tho....if we drive on a left hand side and we overtake on the right hand side, why there are different rules created then? ?.

Full of garbage today but that's where my thoughts are. All & nothing. ..besides if i had to hold them all in, imagine the mess my head had to cope with lol...better out than in huh!

Stay safe all, stay commited and enjoy your day to the full. No rushing, just taking in the moment here & now.

Blessings ❤?

Hi diary,

This will be a brief one as already have just one eye open.

Very busy day, emotionally, mentally and physically. 

I honestly cannot feel my feet from clutch - brake - gas - repeat...plus a mountain of .....dah dah dah...

Didn't even consider gym as just got in around an hour ago. Belly full tho as originally consumed bar of Snickers and KitKat ....followed by banana? (Go figure) since 0500 didn't see me through the day. Come back starving like never before. 

Need to look into my diet as I eat some days and don't the others...and then binge like today ?.

That's it from me. I love my life ?...but sometimes I do think, maybe this exhausting feeling is better than unhealthy habits I have. ..but again, what about balance? I cannot burry myself with work, it's no life either...

Bahh, enough "what this and what that". I'm safe, warm, girl by my side, didn't gamble and about to hit the sack with a blink of an eye....till alarm beckons me for repeat at 0300 ????

Blessings & love ❤?. Stay safe all!

S&B xx

Brick by brick, no looking back

Hey, thanks zobios ?

Diary,

Another short and sweet entry....(I swear my hours at work gets extended by few hours daily without my permission lol)

Not gonna lie, it was quite inspiring day...but maybe cause I didn't stay in my own head but had an intelligent colleague to speak to.

The lessons learned today - gratitude! One word - thousands of meanings to it!

That is it. Peace out, stay safe all and g'night diary from me!

S&B ❤?

Morning diary!

What a blessing to have all 8hrs sleep! ..too much actually..it's true that body gets used to 4-5 hrs sleep and when you have proper slumber you feel equally tired as not having enough sleep. 

So am shaking the cloudy head off alongside a cup or two (let's be honest...3rd one going down) of Joe and trying to plan my early aft before I head for work later on. Gym is on the agenda and it's been the whole 3 days without it! I missed it! I had conversation about fitness yesterday. 

We spoke how seeing results spurs you on to carry on. Challenge yourself and set goals. Bearing in mind my marathon runs I used to love to bits and achieved almost every second day, this time round, i do 2-3 5k runs a week and  I'm all about weights for the rest of the sessions! ?️‍♀️. Am not bulky (yet) but even body building competition has crossed my mind already. The thing is, never did i think i will like this avenue in sports but here we go. There is deffo an addictive trait in continuesly reaching for the better shape. It can get addictive. Balance is extremely important here and I am trying (failing a lot tho). I kind of see a vision. If i transformed physically already in 4months time, let's say a year will see me achieving results I set for myself now. ..now, fitness & welbeing is ongoing process and I don't want to accomplish it all in let's say 2 years time when I have nothing else to add to this body. So spacing out is my next goal. Slow build up and maintaining it. Will see how it goes.

I am still quite fragile and even if i didn't weigh myself for almost a year, i believe I put on a stone maybe on this 8 stone frame. I have a lot more energy tho, and strength. Just over 10 months ago I hardly pushed 8 push ups. Now i do 35 on the go. Result! 

Fitness also keeps urges at bay but hour and a half in the gym still leaves me with around 12hrs of mulling around on days off. 

I'm continuing to fight my addictions. Alongside gambling, i am still dealing with smoking & drinking. To start with, i have awareness of those and so, brick by brick I shall start chipping at them. It's so clear to see how I transform as a person if I don't have drink. ...and so it shows me that it's becoming a problem again which i need to address asap. 

Wellbeing is priority. Looking after oneself must be a primary goal...the rest will follow...we all know it's true.

Strength and honour all forum users and blessings coming your way!

Day at a time

S&B ❤?

Ps. Thinking of drinking, my main issue is loneliness and boredom. ...and, not knowing how else to get rid of heavy emotions. 

I talked about loneliness yesterday also, and boom....not long after i start receiving invites for days out with work colleagues. Coincidence or words travelled fast, not really bothering me that much.

I work in male environment. ..the ones who knows me from this diary, knows about my relationship with males due to my childhood experiences.

However, having worked with my group the last 5 months, i wouldn't change it for the world! Yes, it's difderent banter and conversations...however I learned to channel them in a way, kind of understanding what goes on in their head (dirty is underestimatement ??). 

It's also good to know that I kind of fit in the group....May long it continue!

Hi diary, ??

Good day (night) in a office and icing on a cake - no gambling!

May long these blessings continue ?

That is all I have to say for now, good morning world - g'night me ?

Have a good & safe one all ❤