...

14 hours sleep! ?? now I'm talking! Who wants to rise for such challenge lol

Dont even feel like overslept which just confirms  - i needed this! Besides lil girl didn't seem to complain either lol. I got up & went downstairs to make coffee and she still stayed under sheets for extra 10mins as she always does ?...two lazy gals here lol

Yesterday was tough urges wise. I think i spent good hour trying to bypass Gamstop...didn't in the end and am thankful today.

Remember thinking  - "dont chuck your progress away" however whilst gripped with urges, nothing really matters..very soon forget the consequences my actions may bring.

Went on the chat last night and it was actually tolerable...lol...no offences intended but yeah, it was ok. Had a laugh as far as i can remember.

Anyway, clear head today...so far. Gym gym gym - i missed you so much! Off for a session shortly and shall see what afterwards!

Stay safe all, day at a time..tipu tapu

S&B xx

Good to see you taking rest as self-care xxxx

Hi San,

We've had our ups  downs in the past ( life's too short ) but it was fantastic to see you on the chat tonight you're a big miss when you ain't around.

Best Wishes  

AL

Hi Freda & Al..thanks to both!

Diary,

Better hurry up as have 15mins for the post to get approved. Had a right rocket yesterday as waited all day for one to be approved..dont see why im still on moderation..a bit annoying.

So..

Y'sterday. Mate came round which i see probably twice a year. I decided to cook, quick chat (very disconnected) and couldn't wait for her to leave. I think as soon as she mentioned she will go, i already had door open. Bad...that's what isolation done to me...don't like company..and once upon a time we were best friends...soulmates.

Body absolutely aches today and trying to think what have i done to it to hurt so much. Must be gym...?

Dad has his eye op today. Whilst im typing...worried for it to go well. My cousin is with him and will take him home so at lwast a big comfort here...

Had broken sleep. Chapter after chapter regarding work...really tirening. Usually have those before first shift back but it happened last night..hoping more peaceful sleep tonight.

Thats about it. Hopefully gym later on and shall take it easy...cardio day today.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Strange.....i got to meet "Sandra". The one i almost forgot i knew. Humble, compassionate, attentive and caring. Very rarely i see her these days. What i used to be, carrying my heart on my sleeve....changed into person having to have eyes on her back. Alert, firm, emotionless most of the time.

Today was strange. Quiet chat room , 50minutes of silence, did me good i think. I had time to think and reflect...and that's when i saw a glimpse of my old self. Difficult to explain really.

Thought about gambling also. ..recovery. what used to work and what didn't. I dont think i found my niche just yet...but i am aware im running out of options too.

De attachment. ..from my own self. Let alone other human beings. It does spell danger. I tried to ignore it for a long time. And to be fair i do not know how to go about it to start making that connection again. Is it even possible? 

I messed up with work the other day. To the extent, i got bollocking from my boss and a "waver" of a disciplinary action. Only cause i didn't protect myself & my safety. He caught me on "f**k it" mood as i responded with..."so what, not first not the last". Thinking back, it was daft of me....but, one of those situations where "red mist" sets in. You just go on autopilot..not much rationale then. Many lessons learned i must say...moving on.

Dad is back home from op. Looks like all went well, check up tomorrow morning..fingers crossed its all a success.

Strangely i am contemplating a bit of socialising. ..who am i kidding lol...seriously, what a massive step it would be to go to the gym without earphones? Be present with folks around me? ...hmmm...maybe worth a go, nothing to loose huh.

Lil vulnerable Sandra is still here somewhere. Wouldn't mind for her to show her face more often..she is a good egg.

S&B xx

When i found this site...the approach was - day at a time. Even if we say this nowadays, there is hardly any celebration for the achievement...it became just words..no meaning.

I remember members being quite tight knit community. Here, checking in daily, a line or two to catch up. Very little talk about GA and strangely this worked for many of us. Keeping it simple. Being within community of like minded people..online. safe environment. Many wise shares.  

I remember at the begging i was so scared to speak up, that a line or two used to do. As long as i checked in. Gradually i started to find my feet and there was no stopping me to support every single soul visible on this site..

Many strong connections made. Many friendships came to life...wonder now why? Because at some point in life that is what we need. The right time/ place/ needs.

It used to work. Simplicity was the way forward.

I never thought i will stick around for this long. Neither did i think that i will relapse so many times. Soon the things what worked, stopped working its magic..

 Soon anger and frustration set in. Towards myself. Failure, useless, which way forward. 

Tried many avenues. Made many changes.

Where i stand now i would of never believed i would get there...massive achievement in personal life and even bigger detoriation emotionally..its almost devastating.

And i still didnt quit gambling and am still lost regarding this...6 years later..6 years of trying.

What i still have from day one and 6 years later? Strength to pick myself up and dont give up hope. 

I think we all have this. ..i truly hope

S&B xx

I hear the green shoots of self-compassion starting to sprout and I love it!

Thanks Freda,

My music has gone :-(. Apologies about it and if anyone got upset about it, maybe it's true and it's not relevant for the forum, however it was very relevant for me & my recovery as it's a way to learn...lyrics and music speaks volumes to me...

Anyway, another day. Another gym session to get into a bit of better shape than i was yesterday. 3rd day in a row and i am almost hooked on it lol..love it!

Dad sees well with his eye. never heard so much joy in his voice being able to read letters without aid of glasses. bless his heart! Truly made my day....little things huh 🙂

Take care all, stay safe

S&B xx

Ahhh...those mini panic attacks again. Very uncomfortable to say the least.

Cannot sleep and its as a rule, switching body clock is not easy at all. Lil girl snores her head off her body gently resting on my chest. Heart to heart..do feel her heartbeat which is strange sensation. She is terrible with space and always has to touch you physically. Today she started next to me and gradually whilst yawning and adjusting her comfort....ended up partially on me. Cannot move her off as possibly she would think im pushing her away...and i would never do that. She has my love and care and so if she is comfortable...so it be.

This month has many mini celebrations. Will hit my century (hopefully), will be exactly a year since i went "live" with my job....i still don't know how i managed this far... next month will be a year of active gym dedication too.

I honestly don't know where the year gone. It flew by. Many says its cause of shift work which i do agree...time truly flies by.

Im a bit upset today as looked back to this year. My ever so painful and life changing relapses. How could i do this to myself and other's around me? Its pure devastation indeed.

Earlier this year i also almost checked out. This i guess was the worst time for me emotionally and spiritually. Very very testing time...

But....as my dad always reminded me - " where is no bad which won't turn to good".  And these gold words may lead the way forward...

I miss them both so much....my parents, my guardians.... i hope to plan a trip next year to see them again xxxx 

Anyway...will try deep breathing and maybe shall pick up the book. In the middle of good story which didn't have energy/ chance to read for over a week.

Blessings all

S&B xx

Blessings to you also. 

Drama

xoxoxo

Yes, its strange being in chat with you! haha, sometimes I just like to sit and listen. 

Looks to me like lots of stability starting to form. I read somewhere that addicts are often pants at sticking to things, at persisting. So, this must be growth for sure, right?

Gym again for me, today. It's helping my energy levels and mood. Friend had a little dig at me in the car, on the way. Seeing her very differently, lately. She's just cynical and negative a lot of the time. Smaller doses may be the way to go and I've started socialising more with other people. 

A psychic said to me that my joy and happy nature are irritating to her and whilst I take psychics with a pinch of salt, she may be right, on this front. 

It is what it is. I don't really care what she thinks of me - I like myself and that's all that matters.

Well done on battling those urges, it really is a huge success every time we manage to!

f x

Hello Sandra.

Hope Bella and your good self are happy and well.

The heavens have opened up in Hull so I got drenched coming home. Raining cats & dogs some would say (although I have never figured out what that means)!! Someone said we are due for some snow but I find that hard to believe although I have put my mankini away for a few months.

I understand from one of your posts that you are in the Sin Bin and have also lost your DJ job. That is a shame on both counts because 1/ I have always enjoyed your music selections and 2/ I will not be able to visit you in the Sin Bin because I am now Stephen The Virtuous and it wouldn't look good.

Thankyou for posting on my diary. Your support and encouragement is always appreciated.

Take good care of yourself and Bella. Give her my fondest regards.

Stephen x 

Thanks chooks 😉 

Diary,

Worked on my diploma yesterday. 2 hrs in and i was bored to the bone so ended up clearing the workload and and flying few emails out. Also asked for the person responsible for checking progress on diploma to have a look at it. I didn't really steess about it too much uptil now (have enough on my plate as it is) but have a feeling, half of it is wrong and so rather earlier than later to rectify the mistakes..time is pushing now also...gulp.

Spent my morning in & out of the building having a ciggie. Thought crossed my mimd that this time last year i wouldn't light one up nowhere near it! I actually almost quit back then.. how times changed...im surprised im sustaining fitness at this rate..

Met many old faces...no surpise, all b******g and moaning about their choices. Almost related to a lot, moaned also...but at the end of the day, it is what it is.

Went to see another boss to give an earache about the transfer. Actually word "transfer" stick in my throat while i stood at big boss desk and i couldn't get it out. Nerves i guess..forgot what my name was at that time. He came down strict on me and stated " many people with medical conditions are lined up for the same, do you have medical condition?". Didn't take me long to reply with "No, but soon will have. Im at breaking point and in constant fatigue which affects my performance let alone mental state and physical health..plus not sure how much longer i can put mine and other road users safely at risk". To that he made few calls, took my phone number to update me and reffered me to my local big big boss to tell him exactly what i said to him and be honest. Not sure if subject already reached this  person but i may give it a go today and ruff the feathers again.

Come back home for two, was in bed by 6. Fell asleep around 22:00.  Felt very tired, not sure if weather something to do with it too.

Talking about weather, its flooding galore round here. Didnt make any effort to get up earlier to make sure i get to work on time but on the other hand, what can they expect? Me up at 02:00? No way Amigo!

Struggled to see the road yesterday and that lightbulb still playing up..so yes..praying a little this morning.

On that note, best hit the road Jack. 

No gambling thankfully...thankfully 

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

Today was emotional but not gonna bang on about work....

Biggest emotion came over when i stepped in the house. My lil girl was extremely overjoyed..about 15mins later i found out why...the fireworks were going off again ??... she collected her teddy bear and run to safety zone (i not long find out)..bathroom...sitting next to bath...with her lil baby bear.

I tried to cooh her out from there to go for a walk as fireworks stopped for a while..first time I've seen her giving a bark and a whine...whilst holding her bear safely in her grip...

I managed eventually to calm her down ansd assured her she is safe...same as she keeps her bear safe -i keep her safe...its strange realisation, as much as she protects me -i do the same for her.

I love her more with every single day. I cannot explain how big bond we have.

We had a walk, ate well and soon will be going to bed. A laying lined up and gym shall follow tomorrow before another shift.

Am tired but...i have a choice to rest and claim peace with this lil one beside me..ya know..how little person needs sometimes huh.

Connection.

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

Morning diary,

Better night's sleep with only few waking up moments during the night. Body clock must confused with me getting up at silly hour followed with going to sleep at similar hour.  Glad i didn't have to drive early today as roads were icy. Car is covered in the sheet of frost so can imagine what it was like earlier this morning.

Bella dropped out of bed at some point last night ?..second time it happened, bless her..she just climbs back in and resumes her slumber ?...no injuries thank God!

Gym in a little while. Am in a lazy mood actually. Again, see it as a struggle but knowing my position that i will not be able to get there in the next 3 days, i must drag myself today and give this body a good work out.

Its cold out there peeps...so stay warm, safe, enjoy the weekend and stay commited to recovery.

Blessings,

S&B xx