...

Everyone needs to stop the bull about chat room tonite.

.

I was talking to mod privately so no chance they could see what abuse was going in live chat..my bad...

My fault i don't get on with some people..

Leave it be.

Move on ...i leave the place to gain peace for everyone.

Stay safe

S&B xx

Hope your okay SB

I know you got stressed last night but take care and dont be out off chat room

Were all here to support one another to stay gamble free 

Loulou x

Hope you come back to chat.. Even if just to keep me updated about your four legged furry friend. 

Take your time and take care ?

Hiya... groups can be hard sometimes, both online and in the real world. That's why I generally don't do them, I get wound up by other peoples behaviours.

Anyway thinking of you.. S.A 🙂 x

Hello Sandra. 

Just wanted to send you my regards and wish you well.

My song choice for you today is ......

"Don't Leave Me This Way" by The Communards

Stephen x

Ps. Missing your bright and breezy posts so don't stay away for too long.

My doggy is eating every day this last week. Nowhere near what she should be for a dog her size but I am comforted that she's eating little and often. I just wanted to update you cos you have shown such care for her. I hope you are okay. 

Love from Drama x

Hi diary,

What a beautiful sunny morning! Missed daylight and more so sun. It provides positive energy and awakening to sleepy body & mind. Winter slumber lasted for too long this year.

I was thinking about self care a lot recently. Posted something inspiring on overcoming. Self care is not always pretty. What an amazing statement which puts the whole debate 're this into different perspective. 

My mind continues to be very complex. Depths of it are unbelievable! I am practicing not to dig so deep anymore. Take things and emotions on the face value. What purpose they provide, which ones to accept and which ones disregard. 

Had urges last night. Comes when i have free time. Filling that free time is difficult. One, it takes few days to recover from the shifts, two - when i finally want to do something, its silly hour in the morning...bahh. i could of course go for a drive to Mc D's for a coffee or something like that. I no longer feel shy or awkward to do so by myself. I could watch movie or read a book. ..yesterday just wanted some company, someone to speak to but at around 01:00 there are not many awake souls around...and also i haven't got many connections either.

Managed it all tho. All safely navigated. Didn't gamble, cuddled up with lil one instead, had a drink or two, shown myself kindness by switching mind off and concentrating on the tv screen. Worked a treat actually. I started to appreciate those moments where i manage to find peace within...even if only for half hour. "Not thinking" is an amazing state of mind. Thats when you realise you're indeed part if this universe, you are safe and you are cared for. 

Anyhoo! Another day is here. Gym session planned in. Still feeling ruff & to top it off, mother nature threw a curball for this new year ?. If i go, i will have a light session...that is part of self care plan for today.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Afternoon diary,

My thoughts are with Australia. What a complete devastation. My friend has been safely evacuated and shared some pictures. ..what a heartbreaking view..the families loosing their homes (and lives), animals, nature... If anyone can spare a minute - say a prayer, send good vibes over please. 

We need to stand together.

S&B - ?❤

Hi diary,

So yesterday was a tough one. I made the decision to go on demo slots. Honestly thought that i have gamban on laptop but looks like i don't as it loaded the gambling site. Dipped into that "magic world" once again.  It did bring urges over indeed.  Im thankful for my blocks on bank cards. I dont even attempt to try it out if it works. It was embarrassing enough to tell bank i have this problem. Not depositing real cash is not the point. Point is to keep sowing those seeds in my mind about imaginary win.

I am struggling financially this month. Know it will carry on at least till Feb pay. Had many opportunities at OT these past days however i wasn't feeling 100%. My cold just now started to clear off and i want to be fit for my job at least for my regular set. So decision been made to R&R. I did so actually.  In my terms....i went to the gym again today. A lot better session as strength is coming back now i feel better. I cooked yesterday and shortly will be eating what's left. 

Something bizarre happened last night. I passed out on the sofa. Now...i never sleep anywhere apart my own bed. So waking up with a start to tv sounds and dim light in the room, sat up (slumped on settee)was a bit scary. Didn't realise i fell asleep. Wasn't long,  maybe 5 mins but again, freaked me out.

So all in all...it could be worse. I could of gambled last night and i could of woken up in a morning on a settee! That would of been disaster.

Relaxing evening ahead (hopefully), cuddles with little one and maybe a movie or something. Need to prepare for a informal meeting for Tuesday but thinking now there is not much i can prepare. Go with a flow. Be assertive, focused and honest. ..that i can be.

Stay safe all, no gambling.

S&B xx

Hiya... its been a while, good to see you back and posting 🙂

Looks like the bank card blocks are an effective barrier. Whilst playing demo-slots is not ideal, at least it doesn't empty your bank account.

I think your doing mighty fine.

Hug from ((((S.A ))))

Hi diary & thanks S.A,

Late morning today as it was veey late night yesterday. Was fighting urges and so eventually decided to take lil one for a walk at around 23:00.  We had a good walk. Some strange and shady people aroun at that time tho...wouldn't be comfortable walking on my own for sure.

Kept waking up most of the night. Caugh has returned and its choking me quite bad. Was up & down to take medicines...which helped for a bit.

Messages for OT kept coming in over the night. Something hit the roof and they need the staff. Yet, i chose not to volunteer. As much as i need money, ...i so missed my ME time. Doesn't matter if its not exactly the healthy one...

Will take day off gym today. Ironing and a hot bath planned in. Early night afterwards.

I really connected with my lil girl over these days off. Spiritually it has been an enormous journey. I love her as much as she loves me. It was nive revelation to see.

Stay safe all

S&B xceptis

Good to see you saying no when you need to! 

Thank you f xx

It surprises me when a woman of a million words can get stranded into silence. Is it when there are no words left to say, or addictions suffocate you so much, you simply give up of speaking out. ...because what you say may as well bounce off the wall? 

Empty words, empty promises, empty tries.

When i first arrived here i couldn't be more happier. Ever so exciting times of new life. Freedom, weight lifting off the shoulders. Challenges, hope and determination. Like a baby exploring their surroundings.

Every single lapse knocked me off such image and even if i thought each time im gonna come back stronger, i failed to see that addiction has also got some artillery up its sleeve. 

Recovery is very much so achievable. But work on the self inventory has to come full force. ..continuesly, keeping an eye on the ball day in day out and of course enjoying the sweet fruits the choices brings. Recovery is not easy. Its an honest act. Its facing your fears and admitting your shortcomings. Its looking yourself straight in the eye and saying " yeah man, i was wrong". 

Its the desire to break the pattern. It comes in painful and frustrating manner. Its the breaking of ego and we all know how that feels i suppose. Its admitting defeat. Its getting dirty with hard work of making changes. Its finding yourself again who is not the same as before. New you, with very much so the same core. Its  re training yourself. Very slowly and patiently. Recovery is not full of roses. Its tasting some bitter fruits before you grow your own beautiful tree.

Its being selfish for the right reasons. Its taking risks. Its emerging into unknown..but with a different outlook.

Now, i thought i did all those. And maybe i tried few avenues but im as lost as i was before i arrived here. When and how it went wrong? I cannot answer this question myself. My ego tells me i tried everything, i made strides, i AM different, i AM better person....because i don't gamble. Ha...what sweet lies are those huh.

Reality is, even if i dont gamble, i well & truly messed myself up. The most important part in recovery (in my view) is to reconnect with yourself emotionally and spiritually. I did just the opposite. Lost that gem somewhere along my path. Im emotionless..and even if i want to fight with my all against this "no emotion", i keep failing.

The beauty of recovery - you can try again and again as many times as you want. There is no limit. That is very hopeful indeed.

But,...if you do the same things you did before, how can you expect different results?

A lot more mussings in this machine of the head but, it actually tires me out. My thoughts are not changing my actions...so what's the point?

Wish everyone a safe and fullfilling week. Make positive changes, brick by brick, it only helps to build that bridge ahead.

You got this.

S&B xx

 Further to the last, i can tell im unsettled today.

Thinking about trust...from an early age throughout our lives...its learned behaviour. From trusting your dad to catch you after throwing you up to the ceiling (i used to call this game a superman lol..and to be fair he always caught me and so that trust stayed within me towards my dad)...to trusting your school friends of meeting point & time, to trusting your boyfriend having control of a motorcycle and promising to be careful and not to splatter you all over the road...

I am sure a point comes in life when the trust is broken. Small or big. It gest broken. Its inevitable. Simply because we go through so many situations in life, meet so many different personalities as a result. The space for the doubt gets created automatically. Even if someone never let you down before, you still wonder how much trust you can put in...and, as grown human being, you also have consciousness alongside you. This provides you with a choice. You learn to read at least a bit into situation to make those decisions.

Its very hard job to get the trust back. In my own experience, i know there are many souls who i wouldn't ever trust again and i also know others wouldn't trust me...we learn from experiences.

What about if we cannot trust ourselves? If we break those promises to ourselves. How does it affect us? Are we more trusting ourselves even knowing we broke the promise? Are we more forgiving towards ourselves? Its a interesting one. No matter how much i trust my own actions, let's say, not to gamble again, experience shows me that i am possibly lying to myself. Why? Because i broke that promise already, and not even once. 

Actions not words. This is the major factor in repairing those cracks. The "piece" will never be the same, smooth and shiny. It will be slightly different. But still the same piece. Even if we are not able to build something back to it's perfection, the attention and dedication to make it as good as before is the key. It takes time and it also takes determination. This also puts more passion for detail, most likely creating something slightly new...maybe even better sometimes.

These thoughts about trust brought me to thoughts of loneliness. Again, all connected. I absolutely adored the safety of my own company for a long time. Of course i can trust myself can't i? No, i reached the point where i lost the balance using this lonely space for my benefit. It became painful and unbearable. Chuck few dissapointing decisions i, myself made and i soon realised im falling down to oblivion.

So now i have two issues (apart from thousand others). I have no trust in myself and i am struggling with loneliness. Both together can be very damaging. One mind can be great asset but it never beats two. I think thats why recovery groups works in a way. Its the collective mindset which helps your own mind to make better decisions...and build that trust again.

Fear of loneliness. Do we all have it? Is it habitual? Baby is scared to be left on their own, elderly person is fearful to spend last days on their own too...we were not created to spend life on earth on our own i guess..

So many fears and emotions huh...fascinating when you think about human and what makes them who they are...

S&B xx