...

S&B, I love your raw and honest posts. They resonate with me. The biggest challenge I am finding is filling the "hole" in me (that I previouy chose to use gambling to fill) with something that brings me to life again. It's a tough road but one very much worth travelling. 

Take care x

I consider your last two posts are an excellent read Sandra and great food for thought and have chosen the following two extracts to think about as I drift off to sleep.

..... "Recovery is not full of roses. It is tasting some bitter fruits before growing your own beautiful tree"

......"The most important part in recovery is to reconnect with yourself emotionally and spiritually."

Thank you 

Stephen x 

Thank you for the kind feedback Murlo an Stephen. My head can go into overdrive now and again.  But i find that analysing stuff (esp human mind and behaviour) helps to ride out my anxiety.

I find the subject fascinating because we are all so different, yet so similar. So much to learn from each other and so much cud to chew on huh!

Thank you both for your input xx

Hi diary,

Restless sleep and only couple of hours of shutting down.  Will have to do for today.  I noticed sweet drifting off around 01:00. Remember this tiredness feeling when was young. its quite sweet sensation when sleep claims your body and mind. Slow and gentle transportation to Zzzzz land...priceless!

Baby girl still in bed. Will shortly come downstairs for a brekkies and a walk no doubt. At least she slept peacefully all night, can tell a bath last night did her the world of good! (Plus she is not stinky inky anymore either ?)

Work  calling shortly so i shall speak this evening.

Take care and stay safe all

S&B xx

Hello diary,

We get to talk again...very pleased..

Today has been difficult. Toughie indeed. I was ranting about me being emotionless and so on yesterday. I take it back, its a lie i tried to tell myself (& the nation)..i have a lot of emotions..a lot...and compassion...

Didn't have chance to eat today..yet..maybe a bite won't hurt. Yeah, i think i need to eat even if i don't feel hungry presently.

And then try and rest.

No urges, don't wanna gamble..just want to cuddle up with lil baby girl.

This will do for tonight.

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Ohhh im running late! But entry will go in anyway. 

Not too bad sleep, all 6hrs ..i will take it compare to my 3hrs yesterday. Had a nightmare around 22:00 o'clock having many trucks trying to run me down! Run for life and hid behind trees. It was a group of us and we looked after each other well...not sure what it means. It was scary at the time, real dream for sure.

Apart from emotional rollercoaster yesterday i am also thinking of the positives of the day. Like colleagues taking a mickey out of my accent. I cannot help it with this being my 3rd or 4th language. I see words "written" in front of me and so i pronounce them accordingly. Sometimes wayyyy out of context indeed lol.  You have to laugh sometimes and so im glad i can deliver at least some of that to my workplace! Plus they said i sound very calm when on the phone. Easy explanation for that - half time i don't know what's going on so of course i am not panicking or starting to squeek pitched voice.

My meeting was cancelled today cause i gotta do what i gotta do and help out to drag the sinking ship. Upset me a little if im honest..but, in return to informal meeting i pinged a formal email out lol. Waffled on like no tomorrow and thinking now i didnt have enough time to check for spelling mistakes or the "context of the sentences" as had to dash out. Sure it will make sense...well, i hope!

Back to today. Good job it was dark and empty streets because whilst i was walking lil girl, i had a drag on the cig and suddenly just threw up all over the street. That's no good. Im not ussually sick so this taken me by surpise. Is it my cold still clearing up or its a sign i should quit smoking? Possibly both ?

No gambling thoughts. Mind wayy too occupied with other....more proactive stuff!

Stay safe and well all

S&B xx

Its a sign you should quit smoking!! 🙂

Most of my colleagues smoke and they always have coughs and colds. Its one addiction that's never got a hold of me.. so am sending an official waggy finger your way... in the nicest possible way of course. 🙂

Keep well... S.A x

Hi SA and absolutely agree! Ironically, a position came up at work for a fitness mentor and so i am interested. ..but stopping smoking would be a must huh! Need to get my shizzle together and just do it me thinks ?

Diary,

Not much to report. Had a better sleep. Woke up with little girl's head resting on my shoulder...aweeeeee...she is such a cutie! 

Work in few hours but for now, walk, gym and something to eat. 

No gambling.

Have a safe and peaceful day all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Its tough one atm. Struggling. So much to say but im not allowed to talk about stuff on here.

Have urges. Yes. Big time. What can i do?i am not sure myself. Been back from work for an hour and don't feel like sleeps are coming. I feel it will be one of those days...overdrive. tiredness tomorrow. 

All is left is to look my baby girl in the eyes. What an amazing soul. It pains to see the greying snout. Just like a frost which doesn't dissapear.

I love her more than i did yesterday. Its eternal love. Many people are blessed to have this. I..i have it for my dog.  She calms me down just by being here. Love her.

Crazy dog lady? Absolutely. The only spirit which didnt let me down, how could i not be?

Enough for now. It is what it is. 

I will NOT gamble tonight.

Peace & stay safe all

S&B xx

Well diary 

Tough times continue. Im all over the place mentally. From up to very low..here i want to speak to the world or anyone who could listen, here i shut down in my mind.

Im not gambling even if temptation is there. Gpt very drunk last night following bosse's advice. ..suffering today but it is what it is.

I don't know what tomorrow holds...but dear Lord...just for another day...look after my mummy, my family...and me. I need you now more than ever.

Life goes on..ups, downs, sunrise, sunset, tears, laughs, accomplishments, dissapointments....choices.

S&B xx

Thinking of you SB. I hope you are ok xx

Thank you M xx

Diary,

Today im really struggling. I want to gamble. Break through the blocks..place x ammount so i can just escape "life".

These thoughts fills me with dread. My counter says 150 days since that horrible feeling of drowning. ..so why i want a repeat? Why i want to break the law and sign up with sister's details? o*g? what have i become? What is all this? Why dear lord...this is so wrong...please please help me someone.....please.

Still thinking of you. Be kind to yourself x

San,

You are a wonderful soul. I picture you reading this and mentally thinking "ah! you don't know what I'm really like! you haven't seen me at my worst!" You're right, I probably haven't - but I've seen your best. You are enough. More than. You're needed here, not only for others, but for yourself. I want you to love yourself fiercely. Love that little Sandra inside of you who learned too early that it isn't safe to trust others. Be her devoted guardian, give her space to rage, grieve, whatever she needs. 

Thank you so much for your posts...much appreciated! Xx

I woke up in a bit higher spirits. I have been stressing a lot regarding money, mum's health and obvs job. Its not good to stress, not healthy at all.

I should be on my days off now (lined up with my safeguarding purpose suspension) however i picked a lot of OT today. ...thankfully they allowed that....i simply need to concentrate on something rather than my own issues. It means busy next few days and i also go straight into shift from "operating table" ...but that's me...i am very similar to my dad...he never stops...has he got emotional issues to deal with too? ...i think yes..he just don't let other's see it.

Thats  it for now. Time to get ready for a "marathon" of a shift.

I very much so wanted to gamble last night. I went on demos...escaped for a short hour...urges surprisingly passed...thankfully. 

Sorry for the low mood on chat. That also aided in my decision making for the night. Thank you for your support all xx

S&B xx

Hiya Sandra, 

I did miss your post on my diary. Sorry about that. I had to google what an endoscopy is. Sounds horrid! I hope it's not too uncomfortable for you and that whatever they are looking for is easy to fix. 

My Pup is less stressed today. She's eaten lot's of sausages and some dog food and I take every little meal I get down as a victory at the minute. 

Please try and find another way to destress cos playing them games even for free is keeping your mind in the zone I reckon. 

I wish you all the best. 

Drama

xoxoxox