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Hi drama, thank you 

So glad to read about your lil pup. We always feel a lot calmer & content when our fur friends are well and happy. I spent last couple of days bonding with my lil girl. It still amazes me how much they give back..such love & loyalty. I absolutely adore my lil angel..truly don't know what i would do without her. ❤??❤

Diary,

I was thinking just now and actually worked myself up to a little state. I noticed i didn't ring parents last few days. Why?..im scared...just scared to hear they're struggling. Its a massive shame on me to run away from this but that's how i feel. 

Maybe i feel useless as there is nothing i can help with..i dunno.

Just started crying thinking of it all. So much of a loving daughter huh.

Gambles her life away and avoids so important stuff as supporting her parents..at least emotionally.

Not good...

S&B xx

Hiya.. I relate to how you feel about your parents and levels of contact etc. My addiction has disrupted the relationships with my family and i feel guilt and shame about that. Having said that I think its similar within many families. I speak with lots of elderly folk who see there offspring very rarely. But do you know what... a lot of them are absolutely fine with it, not because they have fallen out but just because they understand. They are not angry, they just want to see there kids getting on with life. Older folk have the wisdom of having lived a live to know that just because there kids are not physically with them that they still love them and its reciprocated both ways. For many of the folk that I work with, there is often a big sigh of relief once the yearly christmas visit from errant offspring has passed and then life can then get back to normal... whatever normal is 🙂

Hugs (((sa))) x

Thank you SA..i love them dearly...i will make that call tomorrow.

Diary,

What a day! Or two or 3! Was non stop & i mean it since yesterday morning...nope, didn't sleep yet either.

Diff town to sort my work devices, then straight to sisters (she cooked - i couldn't resist!) Then work (longest shift ever), then hairdressers (extra time invested...result..umm..yeah, i possibly look nice) and then hospital. ...

So yup..back now...for the first in x hours!

Tell ya what. ..the hospital. I was 5 secs away from doing a runner (seriously, i worked myself up that much!)  but doc walked in just in time and and asked to confirm my name (d**n!). So im there in the room full of around 7 people. All nurses & docs. Gives me some throat spray and asks how it tastes?..ya what? I cannot feel my throat immediately let alone play a "guess the taste!" game. ...so....give it a min and im laid on the side, looking like a Sid from Ice age tongue hanging out. The feeling of tube going through your throat is horrible! I did gag...once...but the nurse giving me instructions to breathe in and out kinda calms me down..not if he goes along the rhythm tho...thinking now if that's on purpose and they all just had a giggle whilst im out of it! ..stomach suddenly bloats and im told they're putting air in! ..jeeezzzz...i feel tears rolling down my cheek but i continue to breathe in and out. Lovely nurse busy with tissues cleaning tears and saliva coming out of my already "frozen" mouth.

Next thing i realise a shuffle..my doc moved! WTH! Where has he gone? ..shoot, i feel this piercing pain in my stomach...somebody taken over the tube huh...of course...my luck...student doc! So real doc shouting at him to do this and that and here is me with fists almost clenched cause i can't take it anymore! That voice above my head keeps repeating to breath in and out (still outta sync) and im just done in by now.

Ordeal over, they dont let me to sit up. Says they will wheel me in "recovery" room..im sure i can walk?..anyway, doc asks how was it and team gathers around all interested in my answer....me having to deal with docs almost on daily basis....and i forgot its different hospital so sarcastic sentence of " i feel like i was violated" jumps out before i know it...piercing silence...nobody takes my comment for what it is ?..true & sarcy!  ..i pack my comment in and say, i could be better and am not in a rush to come back....however, when can i eat? ...that raises some smiles and laughter around me....go figure huh..

So im wheeled in recovery room and a lady who went before me is looking strange...well, she had sedative as couldn't stop gagging...seems on gas now too...we had a chat, god knows what about! We laughed most of the time (not sure the numbing spray is all innocent and has no gas by now). 

Asking nurse when can i get out and she says that results are clear (phew) and i can go shortly. 

So i do that! The air pumped into me slowly leaving the "party" and im trumping from both ends now...fantastic! 

Good news - cancelled shift tonight..i am indeed bonkers to think i can do 3 days with no sleep......this (the clear mind...questionable tho after thos recent ordeal) is still serving me well.

No urges, no gambling.

Sleep would be lovely and appreciated, please!

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Sandra, 

Can't remember what thread it was on, mine or yours so I just thought I'd chat here if that's okay but yeah Green Bay Packers are an American NFL team. I had a Twitter friend P who was working in Jordan. He's American. He was real lonely and we used to chat all the time. He was on like a two year contract out there and real home sick and we had a great friendship. When he went home, he stopped in England for a visit and when he found out I didn't have an NFL team, he made me promise to be a Packer so I have kept that promise. It's funny but our friendship has pittered out since he went back to America. We never talk anymore but I've made other friends through my love of the game so I'm thankful for that. 

I will remain a Packer for life I reckon. Once I pick a team, they are mine. 

I have a friend called K that I made through supporting them and one of my dreams is to travel to Wisconsin and go to a game with her. That would be lovely. 

Drama 🙂 

x

Sandra,

I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time at the mo. Just popping in to say hi and that I'd you ever just want to talk on chat I will be there to listen. Take good care x

Thanks  Drama and Murlo,

Im not having a good day. I'm on a mission to gamble tonight...which means i will keep browsing till i find something. I found American site actually...Betting on Packers was  for offer too...don't think i will look at my mug the same again. I joined the site.  I deposited twice however payments were declined...blessing in disguise? possibly.

Im done in today. Really fed up with myself.

Stomach still hurts from yesterday's ordeal and i get more agitated by the minute when im not successful at depositing. Im in gambling mode..gamblers thoughts, gambler's reasoning...i hate this S!!!

I hate that everyone around me has people to share troubles with...and w*f is wrong with me?? what is f****g wrong with me? may aswell..........

d**n...i best skip chat tonight...and just keep browsing...i hate myself so much.

More to the last....I'm actually feeling better now. Booked a shift for tomorrow so i know i will keep urges at bay....plus earn so needed pennies.

No more attempts at gambling tonite. Thankfully, common sense comes back.

Ya see.....you can do it on your own really..did so for almost half a year....sad but doable xx

Blessings all

S&B xx

Doing it on your own is admirable. It really is. I would much rather do it together. 🙂 

You have so much to give and you often do. Don't retreat. We would miss you. 

Drama

xxxx

Yes drama, thank you...we can do it together on here  ...

Diary,

This actually brought a subject up..how many of us are alone and lonely? I mean...lonely - lonely. Can it be done by ourselves? How strong you must be? How vulnerable you must be? 

How much you want LIFE? 

To the ones lonely souls,  you don't have to suffer. You have it in you. Things wil get better..you must believe.

Life has a tendency of a change...unexpectedly..

S&B xx

I tell ya something am not looking to my life review when ever it is i go to the "other side"....so many occasions of being  lost, alone and emotional after yet another gambling binge... 🙁  ... hey ho 🙂

I was at the end of my shift yesterday, we had a staff meeting and at the end of that, everybody was on their "device", exchanging messages and pictures on a "Whats app work group"... It was a site to behold, nobody was talking, just laughing into the screen... except for me, cos am still in the last century when it comes to phones.

I felt lonely at that moment in time, cos i wasn't part of the group. I realised that when i spoke nobody was actually listening because communication was being done through technology, through pixcel's on a screen.

I recognise the need to join the 21st century and get myself a smart phone, which i will in the forseeable future... but my point is this. Is this actually healthy for human beings, does it lessen lonliness? Does it really bring people together? Answer on a postcard.

Sorry for rambling in your diary. have a good day x

Hi SA...my answer arrived through the airwaves on your digital diary lol...actually i forgot to answer main q - no, social media does not bring people together. Its fake environment to be in. It may help dealing with loneliness a little but its not helping with connection.

Diary,

Woke up early today. Figure will suffer later on as another mammoth of a shift awaits tonight. Will be fine i guess, will appreciate my sleep tom night.

Gonna get to the gym again. Had an hour session yesterday and eager for some more sweat and challenge. Like muscle ache post exercises. Reminds me im alive!

Yesterday was not a good day re urges. Went absolutely bonkers...but in the end - didn't do any damage. Just a bit of bruised pride in my achievement so far.

Will try better today and going forwards. It would be devastating to undo my good work so far...truly devastating.

Stay safe and well everyone

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Early one again. 

Im like a yo-yo recently with moods and emotions. 

Dont understand why after so long time g-free i yet again mess about with my recovery...not recovery - abstinence.

Sometimes (like today) i feel like im loosing my mind. Life is truly difficult but i keep remembering myself that ive been there before...and i DID push through. This time is not some kind of special time. Its just the time where challenges has to be approached in a rational manner.

..and i guess thats what upsets me the most recently - i dont seem to have rationale.

Sigh..no gambling..

S&B xx

https://youtu.be/I-VsisgVkHw

Nice tune... big hair! 😉

Sandra, thank you so much for taking the time to post on my diary. It meant a lot. I hope things are easing for you x