...

Today actually was difficult

Following the chat with professional...i had a good cry..few times...

Poor poor little soul...its so wrong. I cried for the soul and their loved ones..my tears will not take the pain away..and im so sorry to be part of this..nobody wants to be in such position. Nobody should see the aftermath..

I send you love, care and peace lil soul...pls rest in peace...we are with you...always ❤

Today was difficult.

I had to talk about The day. What i feel...and i said that one of the emotions is anger. When asked how i experience it, i immediately went onto defence - anger is not good, anger is not what i was taught...

Suddenly this took me to the past and i spit out that i do feel angry at mum! That was as much shock to me as to "her". Maybe not much to her as she is specialist in trauma and stuff. The more we talked the more i understood but i still denied that i can feel such emotion...its love and care! No place for anger!!what i didn't realise, i had no love or care...i had anger all along!!!

Understanding this, and "inviting"anger round so i can allow it to let go, was difficult..still is. It comes in shape of tears now...from the very childhood..to "that" day just a month ago.

Its overhelming to go through all of this, but i must...because everything is very connected indeed..

No gambling

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Me again. In a lot clearer mindset let me tell you. Past week mostly spent in bed not being able to get up and fighting this high temperature. Not going out and just stuck between these four walls. Test came back negative tho so im left thinking " what the heck was it then".  Maybe run myself down with work...possibility there.

Today, first day in probably two weeks, im gonna try a run. Gonna take it easy but fresh air will be good, plus sun is trying to shine too and its not as cold as recently been. 

Counselling is going quite well. She taught me techniques for coping with stuff and also giving me homework to monitor balance in my life. Not easy as there is no balance lol but i started to aknowledge even smallest achievements i accomplish a day..and that's enough. 

I will cook fish  with rice today and have a proper hot meal. Past week was non existent food wise ?.

During all this, i didn't spend a penny on gambling and that's the biggest achievement of all!

I have lil worries about some tests upcoming, me and my vehicle lol but fingers crossed all will go smoothly and not costly as i fear! 

That's me. I shall allow this diary to see the daylight again.

Blessings

S&B xx

Glad you're feeling better, maybe you had the flu? Anyway doesn't really matter as long you are better. And what a positive that despite how ill you felt you didn't escape by gambling shows that the way you think has changed and you have enough barriers in place. Thank you for kind words on my diary and yes I'm looking forward to better days xx

Thanks Charlie and so glad you're well & safe. Better days will definitely come ?

So, i did mechanical work on a car as i do...hmmmm..guess used to it now!

I managed 5.4km in 32mins and even if its a bit slow for me, i shall take it! Plus there was a hill i had to climb almost on my fours for about 3mins  so, again, should be happy with the result!

Stopped only now as just tired. Declutted cupboards and i think in a hoarder ?..its like 3 years of post, xmas cards and god knows of what silly purchases were cramming the place! It made me realise that i may be holding onto stuff...same as i did hold onto mum's skirt when little whilst she pushed me away. I do think its connected and shall discuss with councillor.

I found greeting cards for my house purchase almost 4 years ago. Hit a nerve...o miss my friend from here..i will be forever greatful for all you said and helped me!!!never forgotten K!

I found AA literature..stopped and read few pages..again, quite different life i live now ?

Glad i did this clearing tho...now time to cook! Plus back in pain like hell!

S&B xx

Evening Sandra 

glad to read that you are still working the program, I thank you for your kind words on my thread this past week, I too miss K she played a big part in a lot more than I think she would believe or take credit for, for that I will always be thankful.

 I accept that things change folk move on, it’s part of life.

A year for me today since I found the ability to commit to change, and that change has been profound. I have found a sense of inner peace and better mental well-being as a result.

I think of you when I wander over the top of Portsmouth with my beloved hounds, they are getting older now so we take it a lot slower these days but enjoy it just the same.

maybe one day if the circumstances ever change we might get to wander again.

keep on keeping on my friend 

Just for today 

Duncs 

Hi Duncs, thank you very much for your kind post!! And congrats on your amazing achievement in this quest of free life! 

I can't say i follow any program if im honest. I just tick along day in day out and that's it. I have blocks in place, the main being blocked bank cards. If i have a bad day (had a few), i strangely do not think of gambling as prime escape route. Maybe cause i subconsciously know that i am  not able to. Time is also a great healer, the further i move away from it, the easier it becomes to keep on walking. Still, im very aware that one wrong choice can revert good work I've done and create more devastating damage as before..we all know this addiction is progressive and sadly, at least for me..relapse after longer period of abstinence is more devastating when previous active engagement with it.

Diary,

Not feeling it today. My good days does not last long but, as long as am not making today worse by my own actions, i will be fine.

Im being a bit pushed around to keep moving...emotionally and physically. Engaging with ppl, doing activities, chores, self care. Sometimes that's all what's needed..to push yourself when you feel it the most...so i shall do that...clean house, change sheets, revise work stuff i feel i almost forgotten, cook something...so the balance for body, mind and spirit is levelled up a bit. Little things adds up to great sense of satisfaction at the end of the day.

Stay safe all, day at a time

S&B xx

Glad to read you are doing all of those self-care activities.

f x

Hi f, thanks hun! Hope you're staying safe and well! X

Diary,

Mixed drinks yesterday so today paying the price ?. Not v good day and the self care list i have to complete is still basically empty. 

Had a good literature to read about rewind therapy which is getting popular now helping with PTSD. Closure without disclosure which i believe is safer way  therapy without needing to relive the events in detail. Very successful cases and i may go for it. Will need to discuss with my counsellor...cause i have multiple issues to process so this, very straightforward and quick procedure, may take longer for me.

Ummmm...finances...had to look into it in depth today as remortgaging the house. Seeing figures on black and white deffo sent goosebumps down my body...i need to keep working for at least 3 years, till i pay off all the debt. Few years ago, i was in 10k debt...mind blowing really since im not the one to borrow (..but indeed the one to gamble...go figure ?).

So now, im just over 6k debt and progress is visible indeed. Im making every payment i can and so..result...just need to keep chalking at this...i can do it! I want to be debt free again!...

Don't play with the fire as eventually you will get burned....

S&B xx

Ps...i thought about so many of you yesterday! Tried to count how many i actually met ...and ..wow, at least 6-7 of you..you're not active on here anymore but i wanted to thank each every one of you for  for the positive footprint you left in my heart. Xx

Hi diary..

What a crazed up last few days...jeezzz..another few to go and me being me, also taken some overtime on..i don't seem to learn from my mistakes as risking a bit of overdrive again but i just get into autopilot mode i guess and it's indeed difficult to stop.

Truly want this covid stuff to go. We are at a point, as a nation, of loosing the plot. I say that because see it with my own eyes (and its not only myself and my struggles).

Keep holding on all, this will come to the end eventually. We have been patient this long, we can do a bit more. 

I keep meaning to ring parents but 4th day running, i had no time. Last 3 days i was sleep walking as i say...so so tired its almost eye watering. Slept? Yes...cause simply passed out every day. 

Got counselling in the morning and tbf, already feel i would better choose an extra hour in bed!

But it is what it is.

No gambling.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi... its been a while... like you say, we need this covid s**t to be out the way. We are all going a bit barmy. I see it in others too as well as myself.

Just day at a time, isn't it...

Thinking of you...

S.A x

Thanks SA..you do keep me worried ya know ?...need to plan that run together when all the restrictions lifted!!! Let's stay in touch ?? ..look after you xx

Diary,

It was early morning indeed...i see on my clock now..its morning again..d**n shifts huh...

Don't feel 100%..but maybe 70% &pushing its enough huh..its not like 20%..i should take it!!..i once again missed a call to parents..almost a week..feel guilty...but i had so many thoughts about the past that i cannot even make a call to face it! Not sure it makes sense ?...

Ummm..another shift done..safe & well bk to my baby girl..i shall take it once again..little things brings huge positive feelings!

Counselling was interesting and we will go for that new therapy..let's see how it goes..she is actually one of the best counsellors i had so far..maybe cause i don't need to wander back in time in detail..not sure..she just lets me ..be free...and work stuff out by myself if it makes sense..

Had an open honest chat with work colleague..theme being -affairs. Im against them man..why to do something for satisfaction if no feelings are attached..? We had a good debate regarding this...its clear he wants to get in my knickers lol....jog on batman! Lol

Picked loads of shifts up...but also hoping to get a run or two in ...in between..helps with my mental state...

Also...about to apply gor something what interests me internally..doubt i will get the position but never know if ya dont try!! So..change is here..i see/ feel it in myself..at least for going for it!

Urges this morning...bahhhhh...best get myself to bed me thinks! Safest way forward...

Stay safe all, b kind to you!!

S&B xx

hey San,

Lots of positivity coming through, there. 

I'm sure counsellor will have warned you, anything or anyone linked to the difficult time you're dealing with, might be harder to be around than usual for a while. It's normal. Do what you have to do to stay safe.

Take care,

f x

Thank you Freda, hope you're well...please look after yourself and that soul, body of yours. Its important..always priority! Xx

Diary,

Extremely tired last night. All shift actually...it hit at around 3am and i still cannot recover. No need as sleeps is the best option going forwards anyway! Its just..very strange as i never felt this knocked down at work. Like 5 episodes of me dozing off..glad colleague did the driving...how did i get bk home? Angels must of guided me here..

Phoned parents yesterday. All's good. Sound peaceful in their world and may long it continue...dad is a bit poorly tho..pushing him to see doc..hope he does as tests are needed!

Didn't go for that position. Read the description and ..just maybe haven't got enough skills/ knowledge needed..yet..i shall graft more at the bottom before can consider alternatives.

Managed 4.5k yesterday...25mins...slacking indeed but that's all i had. Guess better than nothing as fresh air was my tonic for the rest of the day...i did go to the shore day before (work relocation) and it was absolutely amazing to breathe in the sea! Absolute blessing to my soul! Maybe that's what carried me along yesterday!

No concerns for damaging habit..im too tired...trying to build house up a bit lol...not sure why after 4 years i decided i need table, sofa, bed lamps ..etc....not sure if its positive my struggling finances given..but maybe..its a sign of self care ?...

Hmmmm...something is changing inside me..and i truly hope its for the better and im simply preparing to restart my life again and invite people to it..(of course after lockdown is lifted!!)

Stay safe all &g'night from me!

S&B xx

Thanks for your thoughts... we seem to be lurking on the site at the same time 🙂

If your reading this at 9.30. It means you haven't gone to bed yet!!.. so go..

We will run a marathon... just not today lol

Good night... sleep tight... watch out for the bed bugs and the green monsters behind the curtains.

S.A x