...

S&B really sorry to hear that,just the time fits with something tragic i know has happened 2 days ago...to a boy that goes to my nieces school.

Sorry if im totally off its just the timing..

Anyway  hope your okay here if u need a chat

xx

Hi Lou,

Thank you. I hope you're well too.

I dont think we are on about the same topic here but i think i heard it also. My thoughts are with you and everyone.

Again, thanks for support, look after yourself and stay safe

Xx

Ah okay sorry, theres some sad stuff happening in this world 

Hope you get some support soon

Loulou x

I walked through the door this morning  and caught a glimpse of a xmas tree.. i stopped in my tracks. The time has stopped for past few days! It just stopped. I feel nothing, im almost dead walking. I dont sleep/eat. I just function.

I am having a hard time with myself. 

Trauma is real. Trauma is painful.

Dear @sb28

I’m so sorry to read that you are having a hard time with yourself at the moment and to hear about the trauma you feel.

You will know that you have the support and thoughts here of the GamCare community and friends who offer a hand for you to take as you walk along the very bumpy road that is recovery from gambling.

Please also know that our Advisers are also here for you at any time, especially at those difficult times when as you say, something takes you by surprise and as you say stops you in your tracks, so do not feel that you need to be alone with this.

Kind regards

Jo

Forum Admin

Diary,

I dont know how many stages of all of this there are but today i just find myself crying non stop. I didnt for the past 4 days but today i cannot stop tears.

Help is coming on 23rd but i cannot help myself thinking..what about now?..you cannot time the emotions and grief.

I am not fit for work tonight but i need to go in. Me & colleague need to lay some flowers and pay our respects. I really want to but also i know i will be a wreck..but i just want to show my love and comfort....and respect.

Final offer for the transfer came through today. Worst time ever as i truly cannot make ANY rational decision. Maybe i should explain this to them and they could postpone it?

Sigh...

Xx

Diary,

I must of talked to 20 people yesterday...colleagues, bosses and friends..i struggled so much that i posted my emotions on FB. ..support was overhelming. We all know, we all understand, we all went through similar stuff.

It made me feel better for a while. I managed to sleep at least. Gym brought me back to the scene..not sure why gym is not helping recently cause all i do..is think!!

I managed to get hold of new job and explained my worries. They are looking into placement, closer to home...so, maybe i will be moving soon.

Im in and out of reality still..one min ok, next flood of tears.

Im doing my best with talking tho..it truly is needed...even chatting s**t...else, i would go crazy..i know i would. Thoughts are powerful indeed.

No gambling.

Diary,

I feel a bit sad and teary again. Its fine when i speak to someone or keep busy by cleaning/cooking/ walking lil girl...

But these moments are not forever and i find myself ...stopping and thinking. Deep saddness and questions. Deep grieving for the life lost. So so wrong. 

Im due back to work on Monday. Im a bit scared really. One of the reasons is that i shown my vulnerability by posting it on FB. I don't want to be felt sorry for..absolutely no...but, i struggle to cope and so i had to share that. Silent shout out for help which really was answered on the day..and then the next day came..and im all on my own again..

I know i need to keep riding these difficult times out. I honestly thought that my career is over also...but i was reminded by wiser person than me..that this one incident does not define me as a person or my whole career. ..me not being there, will not stop horrible tbings happening in the world and so it gave me a bit of reassurance. Im also just a person. I have feelings...i didnt come immune to the job...and its quite important i think. To keep that emotional side breathing.

No gambling.

S&B xx 

Diary,

I had my help at work today. I went in very worried of what to say and how express myself and how open can i be. The lady was great and a good listener. I opened up about everything. At the end of the session she did a scoring chart to "weigh" up my emotions/wellbeing. What she told me, shocked me to the core..she said that i was 2 points away from the highest score which would mean her whisking me off in her car and taking me hospital ?. I could not believe that! One - can they do that? 2 - am i truly struggling this bad?

I guess i am,..sleep, food and reoccurring images are still here. I still cry even at work and i still space out and am not "present"on many occasions. I still have low thoughts and i still struggle with many things...

I am being referred to trauma counselling its just a slight problem here - i am leaving my job...i am transferring and so this job will not pay for counselling sessions of course..why would they..

So..am a bit stuck here.

Ummm..i put my notice in just an hour ago. Short one but other job kinda pushed me last min. I had to make a decision. Good news - my new place will be 15 min drive away!!! What a change!!! Unbelievable really!

Im sad too tho. Changes are hard..and i kinda liked it here..and  colleagues....and now i will have issue with lil girl but sis said she will take her in for the whole set when im working...i am so greatful i could almost hug her and give her a kiss on the cheek! (We are not close).

Today was up and down..secret santa made me laugh tho and it was poper team get together!

Oh...i also had a slip and trip in this flooded town and of course...colleague laughed at me as itvwas amusing view and i came back to the place of work like just having a mud fight ?..kinda funny...but...not so cause i have no other trousers for tom so need to do a  super quick wash b4 work tom!!

I have no gambling thoughts. Im a bit low and so on but im trying my best. I still dont know what day it is but a lot of things indicate its almost Xmas. I find it strange that i have such short memory and am not in the here and now recently..very strange feelings.

So that's me!

Xx

Merry Xmas diary,

Another year in your company with all the ups and downs!

Life is such an interesting occurrence. Truly is..challenges..good bad and ugly..just so many shades to it.

Yet we plough through them. And in the end, life has a strange way of sorting itself out..sometimes quickly, sometimes after a year or two. I guess its worth waiting for it.

I felt better today. Umm..more present and chatty..funny even. Old me?this again surprised me knowing that i felt so so not me recently. Its unbelievable how emotions can change.

Its not important post..at least for me its not..i just wanted to make an entry and wish everyone Merry Xmas...even if you cant see it..know -you're in my thoughts this magical morning.

Blessings

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Today im gonna hit 500 days with no gambling. Quite nice achievement but today i also (already) want to gamble.

Last few days i just got along at work..just pushed through...Xmas?what xmas...Boxing day?what boxing day...that's right. .it just came and gone whilst i worked and gave my all to YOU.

Today was tough..massive trigger again..brought me bk to the 12th...cried a lot.

Also thought of ending it all but only cause the "colleague" from another country  spoke some truth about the job. It will come one day..PTSD will catch up. Its like piling that mountain up.

He didn't know that im struggling already after 2 years...

Its sad day..but...very very hopefully, a life was saved. When you meet these people, you talk the same lines. We understand. Only we can understand what we are going through.

I truly dont want to be on my own today. Im already feeling lost and lonely. I hate tgis feeling.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Diary,

Yesterday didn't go very well with yet another shock to the system. I sometimes wonder how much more can i take? Tiring, truly is. My MH has been fragile for a while now..one thing after another. Sad, but..sigh.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I cancelled counselling due to circs but just today asked to be put back on the list. 

I want to cry but also want to stay strong and hope that this..shall too pass.

Happy New Year everyone. Get better if you are feeling wobbly & enjoy happiness if you're feeling well. It is..a pure gift to some suffering souls.

Stay safe

S&B xx

Hi diary,..we meet again

Rollercoaster of life does not seem to settle down at all. What a ride huh! 

Just a week ago i was left jobless due to unforeseen circs..or, shall i say, someone's mess up. Managed to rectify it just in time and so it means im staying where i am...phew, that was stressful and really bad situation to be in. 

Now, covid has escalated so much that most of the staff is isolating. I decided to help out and so i shall go in tonight instead of resting in front of tv. Have a feeling it will only be me ..and fingers crossed, at least one colleague. The danger we will be exposed to is immense but what can we do? We simply out of options and left to face everything head on..

Dad made me very worried today too. He was ******* this morning...by mum ?...she is very poorly and hallucinations have escalated to the point where she sees me at home, other ppl and all sorts. This morning she ******....dad managed to calm the situation and made it safe.

We all know that she needs hospitalising..its dangerous environment for dad and herself. Yet doctors asks my dad to keep her at home as much as possible because..

1..no staff in psychiatric unit.

2. Half of wards closed cause of covid

3. She will leave hospital feet first if admitted as she is v vulnerable and poorly.

Dad is hesitant and for the first time i drum to him that he NEEDS to admit her. There is no other way now! He is in danger and she completely lost rational thinking..******* is the last resort you can tolerate..that's it, line has been crossed.

I cannot go back and all i want is to protect him with all i can. I am not sure he will listen..he is stubborn....but what will happen if this is not resolved,...i will hear about ****** ***** and feel sooo bad that i was not able to help out more!

Mum is almost 80. On medication for her MH for more than 50 years. No wonder chemicals are not working any longer simply cause her body is used to them!

I don't know what to do. I feel so sorry for both. I love them dearly but this cannot carry on. I dont think dad understands the severity of her actions. As much as it hurts, she needs to be taken away for her and his safety ?

So that's me..dont even know what else to say and who to speak to..so i come on here and do so..

No gambling, no escapes...just constant worry 

S&B xx

Hi S&B

I’m really sorry to hear your New Year has started so stressfully.

The work situation it itself was worrying enough and although I’m really pleased it has been rectified I am sorry to hear the worry you have with your parents too.

I can’t begin to imagine how difficult that must be for you, not only worrying about your mum but how your dad is coping too. There are so many things to take into account without even considering the extra worries around covid.

I can understand how you want to protect your dad, but how powerless you may feel when you live so far away, your dad’s stubborn streak and not being able to acknowledge the severity of the situation only serves to makes the situation so much harder for all of you.

But you can only do what you can and the fact you are there to listen, support and offer him advice does mean a lot and that in itself will make a difference. Even if your advice isn’t taken, just having someone he can talk to about the situation ensures your dad is not alone in this.

I’m really pleased that you have come here to talk, because your self-care is important too. When you are caring for everyone else and protecting others please remember to keep something back for you. I am sorry that there are no words or actions that can make your situation any easier, but we are here to listen and you are in our thoughts.

Kind regards

ChrisK

Forum Admin

Thank you so much ChrisK...i cannot see your replies, but Eva kindly forwarded it over email. I do appreciate it and hope you're well.

Diary,

What do we know and what we dont? Today i learned that the view of life stems from childhood..how we are raised, values we are taught..maybe deep down i knew it but thought that i can grow out of "the feeling"with new experiences and life lessons. What i do realise now is that i allowed my past rule my present. That i allowed the snowball get bigger and bigger in my walk of life that i finally got caught up with it and am completely lost in its force..continue go down that hill and allow it to get bigger.

We all know how to view life from an early age but the difference is, the way we individually see it. You may see blue sky where i see clowds covering it.

I repeat old mistakes. Sad to say that i once again pushed a good friend away. Today i realise the trait. The childhood difficulties and feeling worthlessness.."i let you go first before you do"..insecurities....same old mantra..same old difficult and painful feelings. Same old hurt for others...sigh...

Im looking back at recent days and see how i encourage other's in need. Its actually difficult to say to someone they're worthy not really feeling this myself. Feel like i lie. Deep down i know i am, but i struggle to process such acceptance. 

Maybe now i am at the stage where i am strong enough to face these issues. Maybe i had to get to the bottom and ...break down to finally reach out and work this out. One more trauma was enough for all of them to catch up with me..how strangely life works..more so mind. What is mind?what are thoughts? Are they the believes we picked up along the way? How to know which ones are true and which ones are self lies?...we tend eventually start believing...

Uhhh..many questions today..

Mum is struggling a lot same as dad...life is one big challenge and many ways to figure it out.  I honestly want to help myself to figure this out. Not to perfection...living at peace with myself is definitely enough.

No more thoughts really..no gambling..it was just another v unhealthy way to deal with everything in my life.

S&B xx