...

I think i kinda figured some stuff out.

My lil girl is absolute gem! She is clever, kind, compassionate, protective, ..charming.

My sister's family adores her and so does she. She loves them and her lil cousin! 

She is extremely easy work at home and great companion..outdoors..not so easy but she deffo sees sis hubby as her master..i think she listens to him more than me (as im softie!!).

I will give her away to them. She is not high maintenance and i shall pass few k for sis for her upkeep. She will be happy..i know she will.. constant company and care..love...belonging..

She will be happy..and that's what what matters the most..

Why? She's your companion your comfort in strife. Don't give away your reason for getting up in the morning, I'm worried about you xx

Never worry about me dear Charlie (angel)..this is about her & the best for her..

Love to all xx

Dear Sandra.

So sorry you have been having a torrid time of it lately.

Nothing I can say which will improve matters but I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and best wishes to you and Bella.

From Stephen x 

all i can say my little 4 year old daughter is everything and what keeps me going , it sounds like this similar for you.Dont let gambling demon win , know life often not easy.

Thanks All,

That was a right trip i taken myself on ?..very scary and real but mind can tell you so many things when you're running on empty alongside the rest of worries you need to deal with.

To convince myself that giving lil girl away  so i can be free is the best course of action?..this does not sound right in any aspect now ..but now is now..and then was then and that was the mindset i had....sad..but true.

Couple of nights sleep has steadied me out a bit. Thank God! Couldn't of done much more of that self beating.

I think early this morning, after i did a race track bk home, spoke to someone and put myself to bed next to the amazing lil girl....for the first time i felt at peace. Honestly..just a lot lighter. ..no thoughts, no overthinking...just being here and now...grounded...beautiful and soothing feeling. 

I dreamt strange dreams, not related with what im going through (or are they in strange shape or form?..my counsellor says that every emotion is a messenger, which i truly agree with. We react to thoughts, emotions..dreams are no different as we still function and think while asleep...

Either way, i feel a bit better today. Have extremely stressful day ahead as arranged a meeting i don't feel v prepared for but...all i can do is my best and that's what i will do.

No gambling thoughts..just a bit of regret feeling having to eat on kitchen counters instead of table i should of bought last week

..but guess prioritised the thrill and chaos instead. Positive here - i still have food..some ppl are not so fortunate so moral of the story - you can eat anywhere you're able to as long as you have what to eat...that itself is a blessing

Stay safe & well all..and thanks for positive thoughts.

S&B xx

Your post has made my day. So glad you're out the other side, hope you're on the way to more happier peaceful times. Bella doesn't know what you think, all that matters to her is the love and affection that you constantly show her. Don't overthink things because believe me I've been there and I know how it feels just enjoy a bit of calm after the storm. Anyway who needs a table that's what laps and trays are for !!! Lol . Take care xxx

I don't even have trays ??....but i have chairs! Thats half the battle won!

Thanks for popping by Charlie...i will get round responding on other diaries in due course...just no energy or motivation for a good while now...xx

Diary,

Busy and stressful day as predicted but its done and over with! Back to lil girl which took about 15mins to get up from her slumber for a potty..she does make me laugh..cause she sleeps all day (i guess) she is like set in stone on her bed...so what it takes is slow and gentle waking up process where we cheerfully greet each other and me helping her to get her joints moving again by massaging her legs and back..until she gets the energy into gear..she is fine after that...like a baby ready to go go go...can't rememeber the time she actually made an effort to go downstairs to greet me...maybe indication for age ??...bless her heart...i love her soooo much!!!

I told another person about relapse. This time round it seems more easier to talk about it. Maybe cause i had a really close call the other day with my sad decisions..i don't know..when im asked how i am, i spill the beans now. I let everyone know i struggled big time not long ago..and now slowly bouncing back...i kinda spilled it to my counsellor the other day but not exactly..i just said financial loss and difficulties....poor poor choices i used f9r escape..she started to go on about drugs, s*x addiction, self harm, alcohol and so on as escapes...i never clarified exactly apart from discounting most of above...she knows i think...we just didn't have time to go through this thought in detail as i was at work and my baterry died during session...

Glad to know i can have proper lay in tomorrow as well as all day for myself. Will work nightshift but i shall take no rushing around in the morning.

Mind feels a bit settled. Glad i sorted some admin at work which was doing my headache for a while.

I think its a week today since my last gamble. Will take it as its simply day at a time thing.

Really looking forward to gyms to reopen as i will have my mind set on workout again. Would be great to get to the shape i had over a year ago...i know its possible. ..anything is if we put our heads and minds to it...and a heart as a cherry on the cake ? (here you go...smile for you diary).

Goodnight

S&B xx 

Woof Woof to four legged friend

Strange isn't it, but if you talk to random Joe about addictions they automatically assume its drugs or alcohol. s*x, P**n and gambling continue to be the "in the closet" addictions, never to be mentioned for fear of shame or embarrassment.

My days of being a gym J****E have now passed but good look to you in your new work out regime, when it becomes possible.

Am looking forward to the slightly warmer weather and doing more outdoors running and to get signed up to some half marathons and then a marathon ( which your doing too!!)... and before I get too old and decrepid lol 😉

Enjoy your day... S.A x

Hi, thanks SA...ummm, a marathon ?..well, if i perform as i did last night trying to get over gates, you would definitely need to roll me down the track ..lol..im out of shape completely!

I skim read your entry and what caught my eye was a thought about what would you do if have plenty of cash. Strangely I had the same thought this morning and very quickly came to the conclusion that i would gamble....why? Because its the only thrill i see in my life presently..not right, but until the rest is sorted, this opinion is not gonna change.

I was feeling low again this morning. My emotions are on rollercoaster indeed. Wasn't to the point of..the worst (not sure i want to experience that again) but felt pretty low..

Had many captions of dreams....last two being me watching lil girl "stone fishing" in a river and me worrying that she spends to long under water and the last dream which jolted me right up in bed with lack of breath & mini panic attack, was me looking at her and soothing her ...when she,..looked like..being on her last minutes..hearing whimpering..pain, discomfort maybe..or maybe sound of being under anaesthetic...few other ppl there and me coming in the room last and collapsing next to her...i did wake up at this point. Not something i want to dream again or ever go through. Its too difficult emotions.

So here i am..we went for a good walk and run. Not miles but it was enough for both of us get some fresh air and move these joints...

Work shortly and of course not looking forward to it...but needs must.

S&B xx

It was a tough shift....

One person died (car crash) and one...i managed to save..i hope tho..its difficult when i am as confused as they are. Im not good with words really...i went on my knees so im level with the person and just kept saying "you're worth so much more..don't do it"..that's all i have to say really..i know the drill...and i know there is not much help out there..i can provide numbers to call, but that's where my responsibility ends...as soon as they promise to stay safe and don't hurt themselves...

I see the pattern here..with GC...staff doesn't care..they ask you to confirm if you're safe, and just draws a deep breath after that..don't blame them..it's a lot to take on...

Not sure if i care more tho...but again...boundaries..i always step over them..

Cold hearted or clear headed?

No gambling...

S&B xx

Hello SB28

I am sorry to read that you had a tough shift at work and I do hope that you managed to get some rest last night.

I am both concerned and saddened to read your comment "I see the pattern here..with GC...staff doesn't care..". I am unsure what you mean by the 'pattern here with GC'.  Please may I reassure you that every member of staff at GamCare do care.  We are all fully committed in our roles and continue to support anyone who reaches out for help and support; with compassion and respect and we shall continue to do so.

I do hope that you have a better day.

Best

Amanda

Forum Admin

Yes tough shift... you did what you could. You did your bit. You might have wanted to be able to do more but circumstances and your job role meant that you couldn't. But be proud of what you did do and that you helped.

There is a bottom line of course. We are all the masters of our own destiny. We are all following our own paths. We cannot save each other, it is what it is.

On a deeper psychological level, using transactional analysis, I sort of fit into the camp of "nobody cares about me but I care about them". What iv'e learnt in practice is that I then overcompensate and go the extra mile for the people that I care for. I then get frustrated when I may see my colleagues not "going the extra mile" and just doing the bare minimum required in their contract. But then i ask myself... "who's the one that gets burnt out??" Whose the one that breaks down??"... it's me. Application of boundaries is important and something iv'e never been very good at but still working at it.

What ever job you work in. You will always have a mix of people that give a lot or give a little and a smattering of people who really don't care because of how there psychological make up is.

Anyway lecture over. Sorry to ramble on.

Keep walking and running and then chillax and relax x

You hit the nail on the head here SA! I like your lecture..deeper level thinker huh, same as me. You're right, we are all so different in this world. And its not a bad thing as everyone brings something into the mix. You're right about the extra mile, its not a bad thing either as long as its not damaging you.

Admin, i must of confused you with that sentence. I sometimes struggle to express myself. I am sure many of you cares (sadly not all but again, the mixture in every organisation), i was talking about how far responsibilities goes i guess. 

I am not mental health practitioner and guess none of you are and so its difficult to draw that line in helping someone. Did i do enough? Can i do more?..etc...its immense pressure on a person dealing with someone in crisis. We are all reaching for the same goal tho - protect the person and direct to the right channels in obtaining more help.

So i guess, i was just comparing the two here.

No sweat, it was just my thoughts and ramblings.

S&B xx

It has been an interesting counselling session today. She is truly good and i feel like i have no secrets to keep away from her. I trust her 100%...maybe cause she has insight in my line of work and knows...fully knows what we have to cope with on top of other life's stresses.

I told her about my dark time last week where i almost planned suicide. She is right, there is a thin line between thoughts and action. Very thin one actually.

Thoughts creates emotions, emotions creates body responses which are basically action in other words. So..again, it all starts with a thought. What you tell yourself materialises into action. It is possible to change the thought and as i told her, this happens with distraction/ communication for me. 

She asked if i was thinking to phone her last week when felt this low...she didn't wait for the answer...her warm smile was her answer...No, i did not..she knew that.

She would of done what anyone else would..get help and tbf, help was not what i was seeking whilst in that mindset...mindblowing really huh..all this mechanism of how our brains works.

We also touched subject of isolation, socialising, lockdown. I see myself how many people struggle mentally with it and as i stated to her...i was in this "voluntary" lockdown for 5 years now. Crazy when you think like that, but its true...national lockdown didn't change anything for me...why? Cause i lived in it before it all started last year...so i guess, this particular behaviour and difficulty will be hard to change..this is MY normal..which is not normal for others.

I think i want to change it this time. I told many previous counsellors and ppl that i know what's missing from my life - connection/human interaction which creates distraction from my inner thoughts...but i never really did anything about it. I know what is wrong but im so used to this "normal" i almost believe it is...but its not...humans needs one another, that's the purpose of universe. We are not designed to be alone and isolate...

Last thing she kinda put out was a question if i feel safe at home...this threw me a bit and i responded with "yes...mainly". I can look at this question from few angles...and yes, i am safe because how could i not be? I protect the home and lil girl...but on the other hand....i am not always safe cause of my thoughts..again, last week, plus gambling..etc..so i see where she is coming from. She doesn't think im safe but in this moment in time i think i am. Im no danger to myself or others.

So yeah, has been interesting session...oh, and i cried...because she kept saying that i deserve happiness...these words always triggers me..and so i cried..i didn't say anything....because its something what is difficult for me to accept even if i know its true.

Ok, anyway..no gambling. Few fleeting thoughts today but i remembered that i have blocks in place and so tbe urge passed. Need to do a lot of study and refreshers for my knowledge as got a month's course next month which will be intense...so, got my notes out...thousands of pages...sigh..i will get there.

Stay safe all ans be kind to yourselves

S&B xx