...

Diary,

Even if its day off, im still very much active with work. Phone calls, updates..makes me feel better maybe, i dont like rushing and trying to catch my tail..i like things organised and know where i am with everything...saying that, it can get chaotic in a blink of an eye but i guess its like that in a lot of jobs.

The news of this missing girl in London has also touched me deeply and i am trying to keep up with investigation. Awful so far with recent developments but i guess all of us wants some more answers...the sooner the better.

Started watching more comedies on NetFlix. Its good to laugh, even if just to myself lol..ah well...such is my life presently. Raining and cold outdoors but shall dress lil one up and go for a stroll. She has this hooded coat heh heh..she looks like a gang member really but so so cute in it!  Would love to bring pic up on here however privacy is priority.

Not much thoughts of gambling. Maybe cause im settled with the acceptance of having no way to get through blocks..its been 2 weeks now. Let go of the losses, still a bit raw thinking about what i could of baught but daily reminder of 4 chairs in the kitchen, just pushed to the sides as there is no table to fill that space ?..will teach me right huh...teach me right.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi S&B, thank you very much for kind words on my diary I appreciate it. I'm happy you seem to be more settled, and just sell the chairs !! I watch comedies as well laughter is the best medicine, I watched Bridget Jones's baby again the other night soo funny. Keep laughing and keep loving that gorgeous little girl xx

Hi Charlie,

Thank you for the message, appreciate it. Selling chairs..hmmm...i just bought them and they're still wrapped up (well, after i put them together which was quite a challenge!) so maybe i will stick to looking at them for now until i can get a table.... good stuff on comedies, i watched one last night (can't tell what) and had a bit of a laugh which is good....

...yesterday was sad day. I decided (after quite some deliberation with myself) to take lil girl out for proper walk..that's all i want really...proper, long, free, enjoyable walk.

I took her near the stream we used to visit so many times (before the attack) and was sadly surprised that most of the place is flooded..we couldn't get through on a walkpath...so, i turned around and secretly praying for safe walk, took her to the forest oposite. We used to walk there often too..like full hour walks...it was kinda ok even if i kept scanning every path and direction for any dogs who may just appear as they do. My heart was pounding and im pretty sure lil one sense this stress/anxiety too. I took her half way through and just felt we need to turn around and head towards a car. Just before we reached the end of forest i noticed this great dane (or similar breed), plus two other smaller dogs and two walkers.  The big dog kept watching us and as seconds ticked by, my anxiety rose continuesly. Lil girl didn't see the dogs..they were maybe 50 metres away from us heading to the same direction. I was quite in fear now as noticed the dogs are not on leads! Experience tells me that anything can happen now...and so...i began running towards the car. Sometimes this move can be wrong as dogs generally starts to chase..i guess its in their nature..i guess these didn't and i didn't turn around to check. Run run and run with lil girl next to me..only when i reached car, i could breathe sense of calm..so here we go...sigh..its just so sad. What has happened to me and why i feel so overprotective. I feel i don't give her fair freedom and walks this way. Wish to find a place, a field or park...for private hire so she can run free for as long as she wants and me having peace of mind knowing no other dogs will be there.

The attack (s) has turned her to quite angry dog towards other dogs same as made me completely mortified on walks. I don't take no chances..there is no place for taking that risk. 

Today i played safer and taken her to the field i take her quite often. Usually see if people brings their dogs there and have quite safe route to leave also...so i am calmer there...its just...same field..no trees or so so not ideal i guess..but better than nothing.

I once again struggled to wake up. Second day running, i just have pins & needles in my hands and they goes numb. I wake up at 8am but go bk to sleep till at least midday. Not ideal...not sure why but feel a bit powerless really.

Looking like my course will be cancelled as i had the covid test in Jan...the regulations states i need to be 90 days clear of anything so..its not gonna be that by the time course starts...oh well..i have no interest in things anyway. Down and under in my mind and have been for a while now.

Seem to post here often too. Feel like i will never get away from this place but on the other hand this is the only place i communicate and share. I still don't talk to anyone away from this apart counsellor once a week.

I wish to feel a bit better as this is difficult for my life but i must make changes in order to get bk to a bit of normality. Maybe i will, maybe not all is lost and i have few years of my life to notch off. Surely there is more to this....im sure there is and existence will stop one day...i may find the secret to LIFE. 

No issues with gambling.

S&B xx

I been reading your last few posts. Personally I don't think existence stops. I think that consciousness continues. We are having an experience down here on earth at the moment

Glad you both got through the "other dogs" experience. My Youtube feed keeps sending me "dog and baby" videos. Dogs can be very caring and funny.

As for voluntary lock down. I think that I have been in that state for a life time. Iv'e never really known any different. Even as a youngish child I took myself off to self-imposed isolation at every opportunity. I think that your right in that we are social creatures and we need each other, but some more than others I think.

I can on occasions be the life and soul of the party but only for about 20 minutes and then I want my solitude back again. Some people need to be around other people most of the time to feel whole, whilst some of us don't. Personally I think its related to how sensitive one's nervous system. If ya have a highly sensitive nervous system you need more alone just to calm yourself and feel human and connected to the universe.

many years ago, I went for 6 months plus, where I hardly spoke to anybody, just cursory chats with till operators. I was of course gambling my nuts off at the time and doing bizarre things like painting volcanoes on my walls. This awful period in my life ended in a trip to A & E and chatting with a psychiatrist at 4 a.m. Clearly the isolation had sent me dolally. Its about finding a balance isn't it. Different tor different people.

Anyway.... onwards. See what tomorrow brings. 🙂

"I can on occasions be the life and soul of the party but only for about 20 minutes and then I want my solitude back again. Some people need to be around other people most of the time to feel whole, whilst some of us don't. Personally I think its related to how sensitive one's nervous system. If ya have a highly sensitive nervous system you need more alone just to calm yourself and feel human and connected to the universe."

Im most comfortable in my own skin and being on my own. Sometimes i do feel lonely and want to have a partner to share this existence with..but, as ya mentioned, only for 20 mins lol.

Maybe stress of being drummed down that "normal" life is social life, i am steadily loosing my mind myself. Maybe that's where im going wrong and putting myself under so much pressure. Maybe i am normal and this is just my way of living? Me being content with my soul on my own terms.....sometimes when people asks me about my life, i feel it being life i chose and life i kinda enjoy. Im not interested in massive change, im not gonna suddenly become a butterfly and spread my wings to outdoor life...its not what i want really. ..what i want? Couple of likeminded people i guess, where i can feel myself around them.

Counsellor mentioned to approach someone at the gym which was absolute "No" in my head as soon as she mentioned this...but maybe i should, just set this challenge for myself and share my interests..but again, my gym time, im not there to socialise, im there to work out hard! ?.... i am not there to pancy around and make small talks..oh dear, just cannot win ?...but, its not about winning huh..

...well, im really confused now! Best paint some dragons on the walls to make sense of life ?....thanks for your thoughts SA!...as always, appreciated & i hope i didn't insult you with old potato bag sentence..my sense of humour is appaling sometimes...

S&B xx

Diary,

Day nearing the end and i find myself super nervous about work tomorrow ?..never like coming back after some time off because its so much easier just to go on autopilot and carry on day in day out..time out usually brings nervousness and anxiety back..like back at the beggining..i guess one of the reasons for my OT i usually do..so i keep chain running...tbh i see how much time off i had recently. Zero OT and more days off upon my request..something is not right huh, if i seek the solitude of my own calm and space..

Didn't mention this morning as didn't think it relevant but was up since 5am..maybe cause i was beggining to be worried about my waking up struggles. Got up to get some pop and just laid there till 10..ish..bin men came and gone, rain started and finished, wind battered fences and trees,  sun came out and lit the room a bit...lil girl continued to snore head head off..so..i am kinda aware of surroundings but also too tired to get up. I didn't fall bk to sleep this time. 

I never drank pop either..this is something new for me, i was water, tea, coffee person but never pop..maybe cause i had in my head that bubbles gives ya cellulite..not sure why but here we go..beliefs huh..now i drink sprite, Vimto and quite a bit of mineral water. ?...at work also..which is strange change in my behaviour but i guess we all change overtime. Its like you like some foods and then suddenly realise you don't any longer..or vise versa!

I keep following news quite closely and this ongoing investigation. Shocked to the bone really but also not completely in disbelief..seems like can expect anything in this day and age..world gone mad! All i can suggest, as i did to my mate who works just metres away from where girl dissapeared is quite trusty app called Hollie Guard. Great free app which offers protection and more peace of mind. Would urge everyone to check it out...its truly good stuff...

Ummmm...since lil one is not hitting that tarmac as much as she walks on grass, the aftermath came with her nails getting longer..not long and curly or not looked after but today i decided to trim them a bit..o*g she made me smile so much. She was like in that video of a dog being so submissive and almost sorry for herself when i trimmed them ?..down on her back and around..this great giant who could easily chew my face off if she wanted...just curled up and gave me the puppy eyes and kisses...bless her..she made me smile indeed..

So..all eaten, pampered and clean, we may head up shorty for some sleeps and see what tomorrow brings...apart from 11hrs shift (plus travel time) i guess i will be full on and tired after it...sigh...it is what it is, needs must.

Stay safe all, blessings and look after yourselves

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Looking at my last entry..i shall take it from there...

Got bk in..few really pleasant and appreciated feedback which just pushes me to keep going and few...yup..traumatic stuff which i shall not talk, think or dwell on...this mind has suffered enough i think in the past 4 months..

..and so i go...26hrs no sleep ?..my bad and shifts in a way too...feeling wide awake after the crawling on my fours to bed at 09:00 am but knowing i have an apt at 11:00 am...so...i stayed up and now could run a marathon ? (SA, where are ya!!?)...this is exhaustion talking of course and i will get few winks before tonight's work (fingers crossed).

Recent news around the country are a bit of  ...sad....but i shall not dwell on it either..it is what it is, everyone has an opinion..i just wish respect would be paid as it should of all along..again, power of press can be a c***.

Close to lil one..she makes me laugh..such a good girl...i never particularly liked a touch in my life but hell, i keep my hand on her back all night/day long and am peacefully asleep..like hugging a teddy bear -literally!

No gambling concerns...also, proud to say i did my revision for the course yesterday..few glitches but hope to pass the test to be able to actually attend the course. Found that occupying your head with literature/facts/knowledge ...is a great distraction and brings you bk to "life"..wanting to achieve something...cherry on a cake, appears i am being paid more than last month..rising those grades huh...phewww...thank you Lord.

That's me.....little steps, day at a time...

Ps..still searching for a round glass dining table ? (cheap may i add)

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,..

Feeling deep saddness today and trying to pin point the reason..just, ..very...alone & lonely. Almost want to cry really.

But maybe cause i just stopped..days off starting and no more running 24/7? Surely that should bring peaceful and calm feelings?..don't know..just feel tired and anxious about the course next month. Feel like nothing sets in my head on revision..but again, to do revision between shifts is quite a task..maybe i can allow myself time for proper sit down in next few days?

Not pleasant feeling today..truly is not but im thankful im not in the deep despair i know i can get...where rationale goes outta window and dark thoughts invade.

I will try and ride today out. Escape would be ideal but, as we all know....

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Take it easy on yourself it's early days after your relapse you're still raw. I hope when you get time and space away from gambling again that you'll start to feel better. And don't forget summer is just around the corner, I know I always feel better with the lighter nights. Take care and give that lil girl an extra hug xx

Hi Charlie..thank you. Hugs back to you from me & lil one.

Yes, 3 weeks now and its not long at all to even start feeling better.

Tripped out again last night, just could not hold my emotions.

Frightening experience is all i can say...just how low i keep getting these past 3 weeks...i don't understand why but it scares me big time.

....today is another day tho...no gambling.

Stay safe all, day at a time

S&B xx

Hi.. and yes, you need a proper sit down in the next few days...calm yourself.

Running 24/7 does you no good and then when you stop its no surprise that you feel lost and alone.

Iv'e done much the same many times. Get consumed by work and then have some time off and struggle like heck. I often have poor mental health on my first day off after a long work stretch and that's when am most likely to do something daft like gambling. It usually takes me  a couple of days just to settle and to move away from the angst of work related stuff.

Like you say, today is a new day... take it as it comes

S.A x

Hey, thanks SA..i think you're right..takes time to adjust to doing...something different than work..hope you're well..

Hi diary,

Slept 14hrs last night. Yup..guess i needed it. Last i remember was passing out on sofa at around 21:00hrs..v early for me!! 

Tidied this place today and all looks & smells a lot fresher!..new clean sheets to boot and im almost bk to normal now...its just...back to routine of work no sleep as of Sunday ??..oh my life huh!

Did the knowledge test before the course....three times lol..just to make sure i passed..and i did..not 100% but 86 will do.. can't complain..so that taken a bit of pressure off now..i was worried about this knowledge stuff...hate theories indeed..just makes me feel under extreme pressure heart pounding and stuff. But its ok, i may let this go now..

Umm..what else..not much really. Adjusted to loneliness as i do and guess recent "mental blip" was just what it was...a blip. I rode it out and so..all is ok. Im alive & kicking and caring and loving as i always have been ?

No gambling concerns..nearing 4 weeks so just have to carry on..

Like this song! The tune of it..it has Caribbean vibe to it (not if i ever been lol)..but something very peaceful about it! Enjoy.

https://youtu.be/jr47YisIsz8

S&B xx

Hi diary...

Not so good day..very stressful. Me and sis decided to test new waters for a walk..new forest, massive one..

I always get anxious about lil girl as everyone knows..today wasn't an exception..i took her..i put muzzle on just in case something unexpected comes accross..and guess what..it did..why oh WHY ppl lets dogs off their leashes and owners nowhere to be seen? Just WHY???

So now...me frantically running away from that Doberman as well as my sis with her lil doggo..and im just dragging Bella behind..sis huffs and P***s and says we can restrain Bella if needed and im just in the middle of this red mist seeing lil girl salvaged by dogs previously...so im pretty panicking now...very much so...

I run to safety of my car, got lil girl in..we are safe...sister decided to go for an extra walk with her doggo..which is fine..after all she came over for a break from her troubles...

When she finally gets in a car she says im mental..i stress lil girl more than anything..i was running from murderer or what?..i tried to explain that i witnessed 3 attacks on her..yes...3...and i am not risking any more...on the other hand i agree...my over protection probably stresses lil one more than it should..vibes travels over the bodies and leads...of course she panicked..

So yes...s**t owner over here...i need help not anyone else. Maybe i should give lil one away cause i am clearly not giving her freedom she deserves. I don't wanna b a dog owner anymore...i am not good at that.

If you could ask Bella what would she say do you think? Bella doesn't need you to be perfect she needs you to love her ✅feed her✅keep her warm and comfortable✅ give her your human touch ✅ You are good at it , what you are also good at is beating yourself up. Throw away the big stick , show yourself just a fraction of the kindness you show Bella and tomorrow will be a calmer day xx

Hi Charlie..thank you..the negative thought passed and am back to normal appreciating every second my lil girl provides me and hope i give her the same in return ❤

Diary,

Read SA's post and really liked it! I like analysing our thought process and finding quite important leads which explains our behaviour. Would be interesting to sit down with my counsellor one day and just bounce thoughts off because she is as fascinated about all this as i am!

Talking of counselling...i shall end the sessions possibly today or next week. Few reasons - my work will start huffing and puffing soon as i had quite few sessions and they pay big bucks for them. And on the other hand, i do believe she helped me immensity to process, understand and let go of a trauma i experienced few months ago. Really worked magic and strangely i almost feel hypnotized regarding this!  Spoke to my colleague about it and he seems still to struggle and push emotions/memories down when they appear...i, on the other hand don't even have these thoughts. If i do (only if we talk about it) i noticed i don't personalise it and am not emotionally attached to it as i was before..i let it come in and i kindly let it out of the door pretty quickly. Sense of peace..strange that is but here we go...something definitely helped and i can only thank my therapist.

Had busy last few days and actually snapped at the end of yesterday's shift. To the point i had to leave the office huffing and puffing needing a vape. (Sworn a lot too)..Colleagues and boss seen it..i kinda didn't hide my emotions..maybe need to learn to contain them better next time...but..they know me also...i can have a rant and 5 mins later after the breather im as good as gold..however key element is me showing emotions and creating that "damage"..view everyone perceives me going forward..oh well...it is what it is.

Got couple of shifts to go. Work is a bit sad and reflective place to be recently..but, we must carry on.

No gambling concerns. Just for today

Stay sage and well all

S&B xx