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Hey SA...all i can say, we should class ourselves lucky to realize we have a problem and tackle it head on. Keep writing and i will keep reading my friend ....and thank you for being here Xx

Dear diary,

Once again i can'tmake myself to swich off and try to sleep...didn't rest very well last few nights....and here we go....work tomorrow again...is it me, or time just flies recently? Maybe because of short days.....

Feel very lonely again, and start blaming myself for it... why i can't have normal life, and why i can't let someone in? As longer i am in relationship as bigger the wall getting and eventually we end up splitting up....maybe i haven't met the ONE...Lol i make myself laugh sometimes...but you have to...i must sound like right desperate girl in the need of love and care lol....

I have always kept people at the distance since my childhood.........never ever let somebody to intrude my feelings and take charge of me..is it always gonna stay this way....i don't know...

Thinking about my personallity...since it's two of us ...( gemini)...one can be very open and give her heart away( which ussually being used for that) and the other one is protector which is seeing alarm bells as soon as something nice start happening in my life and start building that brick wall between me and another soul....

I suppose you all think i lost the plot, maybe i do....but as i said i can be my best friend and the worst enemy at a times. I hate it really, because one minute i can be as sweet as pie..and the next lashing out in rage......scary.....

It is d**n hard to make a change...it is scary and challenging, but slowly i am getting my believe and hope back....i will stand up one day, break a smile and walk with my head high...i will not hide in a corners trying to be so small that nobody sees me........ I can do it, i let the past go, because the future is something fantastic and new....and every day brings at least that little ray of sun into our new lifes....

Today, while running i nearly had a accident....well since i'm that small, i think driver failed to see me, and turn away the last second....wing mirror actually touched my arm....

s**t scary, and i felt guilty having earphones in running on dangerous road( no footpath) and failing to hear it coming behind.....

It made me realise how quick it all can end....that spare second.....i need to cherish my life more, i am happy with what i have, i'm healthy, i'm working, and have a roof over the head.....

Life can be good if you make it good...and i am on the journey to that direction....i will break free....eventually....:-)

Day 129.....i've got a choice to make......and i know the outcome already.....freedom from this addictipn is my goal for the future!!!

Take care all

Oh......it's a little story here....sorry, didn't realize..:-) xxx

Day at a time and keep fighting dear soldiers

Sandra x

Wow that is a bit scary. I'm glad your ok. Like you've said use it as a way to appreciate life and in regards to the other stuff, your learning more about yourself all the time and your clearly becoming more confident and in time I'm sure you'll let those walls down when you feel your ready to. Your tackling a lot right now and dont forget how great your doing.

Thank you for being part of the thread, you've been great and your support over the last 70-80 days has been brilliant and I can't believe we're so close to the end. On that note I've just put a post on there, check in this Friday as normal but next week is the final week and 90 days is actually on Saturday so final check in will be next Saturday not Friday. As I said your support means alot and I'm glad that you are still going strong. Don't forget it is hard and your doing great. Keep it up!

Thanx Dave, most appreciated...

The ups and downs of life, it’s all part of the life experience package. Without the downs, the ups won’t feel as good. Without the absence of the sun during a storm, you won’t appreciate the warmth of its light when it eventually reappears.

Deep in thought about our friend Charlotte....Sending my strength and believe out to the good people struggling to find a way out...

day at a time

Sandra x

Focus on your great accomplishment, Sandra. Day 129 is fantastic! Oh, how I can relate to you. I also push people away. Had a few dates last year, first time in a long, long time. The first time (and last) he kissed me, my wall instantly went up and I pushed him away. Just as well, I suppose, as "they" do say you shouldn't consider dating anyone until you've had a year of abstinence under your belt. I don't know about you, but I was raised in home where children were to be seen and not heard. I'm sure this plays a part in my personality, along with good ol' DNA. Keep up the fight, Sandra, and breathe through the emotions!

Thanx Carla.....yep...very complicated..boys boys boys:-)

Hello diary,

Early post from me, because still up....can't focus anymore so last couple of hours here i'm just gonna shadow away lol....apparently my apraisal later on today....ughhh...scary, been here 6monts, worked my a**e off so they better give me some good points and payrise lol...

Oh god, losing it already...

Day 130, defo no gambling in my plans, just warm comphy bed with little Gizzy( cat) alongside me.:-)

Nearly home time!!!

All good in my world...another day another dollar..:-)

Take care all

Sandra x

Morning Sandra

Glad ur ok after ur run in with the truck moments like that do make u think, with work like myself all u can do is ur best I'm sure u r appreciated but if its like my lot they don't tell u very often, a lot now comes down to self belief which gambling takes from u, now u av it back so believe in urself ur doin incredibly there's so many positives goin on in ur life

Castle2

Thank you Castle, and you are so right...self belief is coming back...slowly.....:)

Dear (deaf) diary lol Rach

Well today is the busiest i had in ages...up and ready to face it all;) i wonder if i have high spirits tomorrow morning, after today lol......keep standing Sandra lol

I love it, because even if wanted i couldn't fit gambling in.( but i sure can fit time for my diary and my friends on here....)

Just before i set up to go, feel very positive today, i'm here, sun is shining and finally free of urges!!!!! ( i dread to speak too soon, but i shall enjoy this heavenly feeling just for today)

I love to see my bank statements, there is no overdraft, no dreaded fines from the bank...it's not a lot in there...but it's so much enough for me...

I really want to set myself free from this nightmare, day at a time will take me there...i believe in myself and want it more than anything each day...

Lets do it fighters!!!! because we have that choice:)

Ok busy bee setting of now, take care all, have a fantastic day, believe in yourselves and keep fighting a the good fight!!!

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hi Sandra, not been on her for ages as I no longer have a job long story but it means no pc access so having to do this on my mobile. So sorry for not supporting you over the last few weeks. It sounds as though you are doing great. Going to try to go to my parents over the weekend so I can use pc, catch up on things

Take care

Lisa

Thank you so much for popping by Lisa, really glad that everything is fine with you....but sorry to hear about your job..Hopefully catch up soon:) take care xx

Good morning diary,

Well, back home early today, because really felt like dying all night..Typical cold before my days off...cold shivers, sneezing, running nose, coughing...you name it i have it lol...

At one point had a right cough fit, i couldn't even breath...scared me, couse didn't want it all to end in that place...lol

Anyway, my weekend in bed with all the tissues and medicines....fantastic.....well,hopefully catch up with more of you guys...:) there is always positive in all this.

I was very surprised to log on early this morning and see so many sad posts...hate this addiction more each day...it's just so not fair...

Another day g free for me, not sure which day, so just leave it as that 🙂

Take care all

Please stay strong and be kind to yourselves....don't let this addiction to rob your souls and belief that everything is possible.....

we all can do it..day at a time

Sandra x

Good morning Sandra

Thanks for the support, much appreciated. Have followed your progress and your doing a sterling job in taming this gambling beast and with your support. Keep opening them doors.

Rest easy with your cold, am sure with the same gusto you use in combating this gambling; that you'll soon kick it into touch.

Den Pobedy

Hey V, i am so glad you are feeling better today, please be kind to yourself and keep posting.

Hello diary,

Not long ago had a chat about acceptance. Really tried to get deeper into this emotion and did a little research. It is for my record, but if any of you find it interesting,- be my guest and have a read:)

Day 131, i finally worked it out lol...still bed bounded, and really want just to sleep today..

So...here goes:

Acceptance can occur only when we see through clear eyes, open our hearts, and join in the flow of experience.

Acceptance requires vision, or in other words, mindfulness. We must pay attention to be aware of what is happening in every moment. Our thoughts, our emotions, the sensations we feel, all of those must become part of our awareness in order to be mindful. And we must practice awareness without attaching to them or resisting them. We must not hold on to things we want, nor must we try to change those we do not like. Being mindful requires observation in a nonjudgmental way.

Having an open heart is also important to acceptance. In this context, open heartedness means being compassionate, even to ourselves. No matter what we see or perceive, we must embrace it compassionately. If we have pain, unpleasant sensations in our bodies, joy, happiness--it doesn't matter. Self-compassion enables us to respect all of those experiences and bring them close to us.

Acceptance can only occur when we have both mindfulness and self-compassion. This is particularly important when we are dealing with negative emotions or experiences. Mindfulness makes us aware of the pain that we wish would go away. It allows us to see our fear, frustration, or anger. Self-compassion allows us to be non-judgmental about those emotional experiences. It nurtures us, allowing us to be good to ourselves in the presence of the hurt. It promotes healing by allowing us to stay with the discomfort.

Acceptance allows us to live with our experience, freely and openly, nonjudgmentally. It positions us to be part of the "flow." We accept the constant change of life, watching it wash through us, being part of it, knowing that we will make it.

S xx

Yo,

Yes surreeee I agree.

Once I accepted it was no my fault that I was the way I was and stopped berating myself , life became a zillion times easier .

Hope that the same things happens to you 🙂

Keep on keeping on Hun, recovery is sooooo much more than not gambling and you my friend not only get that but live it .

It's is my believe that if there is a way to keep our addiction or addictions in check it is going bout it the way you are .

Anyways have a good weekend , work or no work .

Shiny xxxxx

hi Sandra

Hope you feel better soon-paracetamol, fluid and chocolate should do the trick 🙂

Catch up soon, take care

Irene

x

Hey Sandra, poor you - hope you feel better soon just take it easy and look after yourself x Well done on your gamble free journey, you are doing fab xxx

Thank you very much ladies, most appreciated xxx

Hello diary,

Struggling to sleep again. That's when some nasty thoughts start creaping in...i wouldn't do it, but i'm not gonna lie, i had few urges today, and i noticed it came from reading some posts( plus tiredness and boredom).......not going to dig deeper...

I'm no angel and it is down to me to react on things or not.

Actually i think i am too active on this forum. Maybe because i still don't feel secure with myself and need to keep reading to reasure myself in this recovery......it's not all of time about gambling, it's about live, who i am, who i'm becoming and what i want from my life....a lot of knowledge and lessons here....i still believe it helps me...hell yea...but start thinking that the things i put down don't really helps others...mainly it's not making much sense....Don't know...fight with myself starting again....

Ahh...bla bla bla, getting angry with myself again..just moan and moan and moan...charming..

Hot milk and honey time .......and then just trying to swich off like i used to ...before destruction come into my life....

Day 132

Keep calm and carry on

Sandra x