...

Thanx soul and castle. Soul, you gave lots of food for thought last night. Thank you and just want to say..never give up giving up..for yourself..your family or any1 dear to you xx

Good morning diary,

Early day for me and already done a good deed 🙂 worked as interpretor for the person i seen first time in my life. Life and its curl balls ey? Good to help on this occasion.

Well,last night start reading very interesting book. I have to say a lot of words are hard to bite because it's written by psychoterapist, but going to keep reading and trying to understand it 100%. Really makes so much sense already. I am digging in myself and want to understand myself inside out. Accept myself as i am. And that's the hardest bit to me.

But i'm determined.

Ok..waffling here again...lol..no gambling in my little world today.

Take care all and keep strong

S x

Thank you Julie x

Got my thinking and 'dangerous' head on. ( i love it when it happens after i have a good day). Accept myself for who i am and look for the ways to change. I always said i am who i am and can never change myself. Funny enough i was told by my exes too many times that i need to change. So that's telling me straight away, if you want person who you are with to change, means you want to be with diferent person. I could never find that balance in my relationships, i always been myself and looked at " changing " as faking the real me. Yes...now i'm coming to terms i need to change the outlook on many things to let myself move on. To change and want to change - there is a huge gap between them two. I am lacking that strenght to ' want ' that change. And it's the hardest but sometimes necessary thing to do.

You know diary i was pretty much rubbish in all aspects of my life. And then i got my head from the sand and start standing for myself and letting the world know my opinion about things( not following the lead ) i start seeing people changing around me too. The hard 'arses ' gone from the view. I saw everyone at who they are.

That's when i completely shut everyone from my life. I suppose if people don't want to see me as who i am, i am not going to pretend somebody i'm not and try to ' fit ' in a group. Everyone for their own liking. I lost trust in people and even if i had a circle of souls who wanted to be around me i got my wall high up and stood by my believes.

I think that's when i made a mistake.i didn't give a chance for good people and by that i start sinking in my closed up world. And it's really deep and lonely end to be.

Now. ...by trying to change the view on things i am trying to dig myself up and open up again. d**n hard thing to do. Is it right thing to do? Will i be expected to ' change ' for someones liking? I have set a limit on change. I am who i am, and i can agree and disagree on things...but i can try to understand and admit my mistakes by changing my outlook on things.

Listen and understand...not jump back roaring to protect myself and my defences. By accepting myself and my mistakes i can accept others around me a lot easier. There is no perfectionism and i'm not looking for any.

I can only give myself one more chance to face my fears in a wide open world.

Money is a hell big part in the relationships these days. Where this world is going? Materialism is overtaking the world and feelings are pushed to the second place. Mad mad world..only by showing your soul as priority you can be understood and accepted by the same understanding souls... you just can't give up giving up..

....S x

P.s. i suppose there is not much about gambling here. But for me it's the part of the picture how i come to sit at the screen of slots 24/7

No gamblng for today. I dread to put these words down, because my defences are low today...but i can try..all i can do - TRY.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8TRoMSG-5I

Carla...xxx :-D....yep..i am what i am!!

Diary,

Was thinking that it's my 6 months in this recovery. Gone very quick and i did come far. I wouldn't of done it without this site and people on here. How many times you brave souls picked me up from the ground and gently pushed me back on the straight and narrow? Thank you is not the word. I will never forget any of you and always be thankful for welcoming me in this great comunity.

I am scared of leaving this site, but deep down i know i will have to make that move and stand strong without cruches( not yet..maybe 10 years later lol)....but you all will be in my little pocked anywhere i go 🙂

Massive thanx to every and single one of you

((((((( All )))))))

God bless

Day at a time

I believe in myself and getting the strenght from all of you..

Good, bad and the ugly. - colours of life

S x

Hey Sandra ...

Change requires courage ..I definitely needed to change as I was doing the same things over and over and expecting different results namely being too nice and thinking that my Rachie love will be enough to fix other people lives.

Nope and Nope...love was not enough I found.

Now I'm more of a be- atch I am the more men like me.They say woman love a bad boy , loveable rogue or bar-steward, but equally men love a beatch I'm finding.

The more unavailable ,uncooperative,high maintainance , unsatisfied I am, the more they want to please me..lol .its all about the chase. They think they will be the one to change me ...lol ..role reversal eh?

I'm not advocating this as a way to be but it's working for me.

I'm nice and caring and kind in secret now not as my standard behaviour. I use my niceness as a way to reward good behaviour...Like giving a dog treats..I'm applying this mainly in my work life not with friends.t

I did not respect myself as a nice person.

Xx

Thank you Rachel and i do get it all. The "chit chat" openned more understanding for me.Never ever call urself a b' itch couse you are not!! You had to handle so much in your life and for that should b proud girl!! RESPECT!!

Live and learn and i thank you for your expresion about life and reality.I will never try to be someone i'm not. Only forward never back.

Dear diary,

Day 46. No gambling.

Goodnight

S x

Hiya Sandra thanks for the post. I've opened a savings account so I can save for a new hat lol. Have a great weekend. Keep up the good work!

Hi Sandra... and well done on your gambling free time.

Just to comment on something you said. Many people think that once they have chalked up some gamble free time that they should then stop using their diary and move on. I use to think this because that is what most people tend to do but now I simply think that diary writing is very therapeutic and it becomes almost like a hobby. Just one strand of ones life. Pick up ones diary, put it down and let it gather dust, pick it up again and so on

Have a good weekend and thanks for your support... S.A 🙂

P.s I think that diary writing is a life enhancing crutch, not a self-wounding crutch.

Thanx guys and yes SA i do agree about diaries. I would of never imagined that to put something down( especially in cyber public space) gonna help me to keep on a straight and narrow and unlock the deepest places of my inner self.

Dear diary,

Still thinking and overthinking about Rachels words about the relationships and that adjustments and changes in life are needed to move on from pain and unhealthy relationships. Changes are the hardest decisions we can make in life and most of the time are the boost needed to carry on. It does require courage and i believe we all have it in ourselves..it's just the time we unconciously set by ourselves to finally to let it out and make that move.

No gambling today. Gonna spend all day with my little boy ( nephew) and enjoy being a kid again and having no worries in a world. A movie lined up and then a lovely meal and loads of desert lol...( auntie Sandra will need a good run tomorrow 😉 ...) sying that we are going skating tomorrow..God help this " cow on ice " couse last time i've done it i have to nurse my knees for a couple of weeks lol...

All good fun 😀

Have a lovely weekend all

Stay safe and keep doing what is working for you

S x

Hi Sandra, just reading some of your posts you have done so well and are an inspiration to me. I hope I can get as far as you have. Thanks for posting in my diary it really means a lot, take care and keep strong, L x

Hey Sandra, love your positive post! Hope you enjoyed your day and all that dessert! Yum! Have a fab weekend and keep strong xxx

Thank you ladies, it's much appreciated xx

Good morning diary,

Sigh...not sure how i feel these days. It seems like as more i try to find the answers and look "into" myself as harder is to come to terms of reality. Two steps forward - two steps back...leaves me in the same position...heavy stuff in my head and not too sure if i want to keep tiring myself out by constant thinking.

No gambling...That's a bonus i suppose.

Ok time to navigate another day and see what it got for me.

Fighting fighting and not giving up just yet.....

Have a safe day all xx

S

Exactly, Sandra. Nothing wrong with "maintaining" when you've made progress already, and you most certainly have! Thanks for the little vid.... if you can believe it, I did have to sweep snow from between the doors!

Thanx girls x

Yep Carla...maintaining recovery is a hard bit...Gambling?...well..just fleeting thoughts..;-)

Was more worried going on a motorway and thinking to keep my foot on a accelerator lol

Now i know what Rach means on moments like that....

Nice and safe at home of course.......xx

Day 48 ?.....not sure actually

Day at a time

S x

Your safe Hun!! That's all I care about xxxx

(((S))) xx