...

xx

http://youtu.be/b-3BI9AspYc

OK diary,

I have been in recovery for 6 months. And i do believe a lot of people helped me in that time. I am on this forum..counting days...supporting, finding new friends and souls to " chat " to...opening up.. Had my counseling and she was the best person i had to speak to face to face. She done everything in her power to drag me out. Yes...success...no gambling!! Moving on with my life...hmmm...i don't think i did my homework..I CAN'T MOVE ON...and i keep asking myself WHY? And it's really doing my head in..

Just wanted to establish that..am i losing my mind..is there anything else out for me? Change? Strength? Patience?

Day at a time...still a progress...all i know i can't just sit there and wait for life to change...i need to do something otherwise i will end up locked up...and i really believe my place is not there..not just yet..

Oh... life...c'mon ...just need to break through...

S x

I know what you mean by "can't move". Well, for me, I know any kind of movement has to be baby steps, at least for now. Trying something dif is good for me... like the drumming. I don't have to commit as it's just drop in so that's perfect. I do have to slowly start making an effort to break out of my self-imposed cage, though. I really seem to be a slave to my own stupid routine. Have you thought about trying to do something different/new?

Thank you Julie and Carla xx

Morning diary,

Day 49 since my slip and i have the fire and spirit back up.Phew...sometimes when i'm ready to give up the fight and don't see the way out, it takes me a deal of thought and weighing things to see the sense again.

It's alright. It's a lesson in this life and i can only learn from mistakes. Since i'm a bit "housebound" couse i've got into my bubble and didn't want to face the world, i pushed myself to the limit over past few days and dragged my b**t out. The thing is, i still had my negative attitude about it.

My nephew's words gave me a good shake yesterday.You can be very surprised what 8 years olds sees and understands.

As Carla said i need to find something else to do to help me to break through. I am searching...still lol..but i believe in myself again and thank god for that because my fire was going out recently.

Back in the front line of the battle..let's do it soldiers!!! Because WE CAN!!

Day at a time

S x

P.s. not even once fell over while skating yesterday!!! 😀 and even that is a massive progress for me lol ( no wonder while i was staying in a slow lane holding on a railings lol)

Oh yay! Good for you. You got yourself out there! I have skates but never go anymore. It always hurts my ankles. Still, maybe I should dig them out and give it another go this year. Thanks for the inspiration.

Hi wee pal x

Just a quick fly by to check up on you lol. The skating sounds like a hoot- actually its a great analogy for living......when trying anything unfamiliar, we may need help, feel shakey and unsure. With practice and as our confidence builds, we get better and need to hold the railing less. We may still wobble occasionally but we will never give up!

Take care

your wee pal

x

Thank you ladies xx

Irene, such an inspiring and true post and i am amazed how you put it in the meaning of life. Yep..it is going on my front page 😉 thank you !!

Carla, thank you for you continued support, means a lot and i still got smile on my face after reading your tread and watching that funny video ( you know which one i'm on about lol)

Evening diary,

Today coming to the close and i have to say it was one of the most relaxing days so far. Went for a good and long run and got back just before it start raining( run is a way to relax for me :-)..) spend some time for myself, cleaning, washing and cooking..and of course checked in with my buddies here 🙂

No urges what so ever and that makes me even more happier. Soon go back to work which is constantly on my mind but has to be done...will be ok...it's just a battle of my life 🙂

All i can say - for the same or even better tomorrow!!( don't want to wish my life away lol)

Day at a time

Take care all

Goodnight

S x

Hi Sandra... yes I am back to work tomorrow after being off yesterday and today on top of the weekend. Am already depressed about going back but hey ho such is life.

Your doing great, keep at it. Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Thank you Julie and SA xx

Dear diary,

Start of day 50 and already feel the pressure building up...not for gambling(thank god) but about work. My last day of freedom and back to mayhem tomorrow...

Didn't do a lot on my holiday..of course lack of money played big part in it, but did i do enough to look for changes in my 3D life in general? No!! i had a chance to search for new job, which i did, but again not hard enough. Bumpy last couple of weeks, up and down with my emotions, anger, memories,recovery. I didn't gamble either i had few struggles over last week.

Surfing for a new job, and more less they are out there in bigger cities, which is a block for me to move out, find a place to live and so on...I know i could ask for a transfer in my current job...maybe even go to America to pursue my career...but...always but lol...i have to be in my placement for two years to be able to apply for transfer..and been here only half a year. The question is, would i manage that period to keep going here? Stress is immense, and would it be different in other placement? Still the same company..

I'm back and forward with my decisions..maybe just try a bit harder to have a look around, change profession?..but that requires studying and getting qualifications..which is money for studies again...Arr...that's how i go round in circles in my mind lol...I seem to want to make that big step but always find some negatives to block the way..

Ops..waffling here too much..it is what it is..i know nothing changes if nothing changes, but i could be a lot worse..Shall i play safe and keep my secured job, or just step in the open and start from complete scratch?

Dilemma of my life and future..

No gambling

Day at a time

S x

Hi Sandra... I understand those circular debates in ones mind concerning work. I have never settled them. I always end up with "I have no money to re-train, so I stay where I am"...and then when gambling came along, the self-talk stopped because I was up to my eye balls in debt and simply keeping a roof over my head was a struggle and hence the priority.

To some extent ive downgraded even further in my ambition and my self-talk has become "well atleast I have a job". My degree has long since been removed from my Cv because when it use to exist I'd get the predictable questions about "being 40 or so" and having done nothing with my degree, the implication being (from job finding people in agencies etc)that "its too late now we want graduates in their early to mid-twenties".

Gradually gradually as ive got older ive started to care less and simply try and make the best of what I do have. Do I want even more stress in my work life?.. nope. I know that for sure. I have my health and for that I am very grateful.

Take a risk or play it safe. The conundrum of life. All I do know for sure is that escaping into gambling makes it even worse. Am off for a run. Good day for it. Enjoy your day... S.A 🙂

Morning Sandra

itchy feet was something that plauged my life for a long time, wanted to have whatever it was over the other side of the fence rather than actually stop to enjoy the moment I lived in was kind of my life mantra when I first came here.

My mantra today is I work to live, rather than the living to work.

I found alot more happiness in what I have and keeping up with the joneses actually stopped me from enjoying what is there.

Keep making the right choice for you, that surely begins without a bet being waged.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you S.A and Duncs xx

A lot of food for thought from both of you and i sure think about all options possible. I know i can't carry on with my attitude at work, because stress levels are high and does take it's tool on my health. But at least I've got a job..I will come out the other end....Thinking about promotions lol..i think closer goal is to downgrade myself...i have a good think about it. Health comes first:-)

Sad reading Joan's last post....I feel i grown too close to this forum and people on here..Feel like it's my second family...I need to find a balance between this forum and my life. I just can't stop caring about ppl here..Really think of many of you big deal. Maybe need to try my luck getting work at GC lol..the winner on both occasions - less stress and keep an eye on all of you my friends lol lol

OK..that's it, time for a run

Please be kind to yourselves dear fighters

Sandra x

P.s. took me 14 years to find this song (only remembered first line but it had something special to me since young days) YAY got it now!!!

As my mate would say: " you groove lol"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?…e&list=PLFE75525F8AFD2917

Hi Sandra,

First off, congratulations on the 50 days, I hope its the latest of many more gamble free milestones that you pass.

I took a promotion a few years ago, and found myself in a really lonely and stressful job which was not at all what I expected (or was told it would be), and that saw my own stress levels sky rocket. I lasted a year, before I eventually went to my new manager, and said I'd like to go back to my old job. I've been back a year now, and I have to say it was definitely the right choice for me. I'm not really career orientated, and my current job suits my approach much better.

Hope you find a job that offers a good balance of satisfaction, enjoyment and pay...any tips let me know!

Keep up the good work,

Ryan

Thank you all so much xx

Again appologies for my last posts to any1 who got a glimpse last night.

Dear diary,

Insomnia and battle for survival begins lol...long day and night ahead..back to my lovely routine with 3 hours sleep lol

Love it...bring it on!!

No gambling..that's a good one for sure

S x