...

LOL girl I wouldn't play with ya on something like that. Just know my experience with panic attacks and the key to them is just keep breathing In deep and realize them for what they are. Guess ya look up the cr** they read more into it than what it is and yeah just makes for business for them. LOL

Good morning fighters xx thanx for ur support and good wishes xx

Morning diary...

Workaholic here....i realized i'm addicted in saying "yes"....bad habit...hey ho..no gambling for today...only sleep sleep sleep...ticking along...just:-)

Day 62..

Be kind to urselves all..

S x

Morning Sandra

Glad u decided to stick around this forum its a much better place with u in it and it benefits us all and most importantly for urself

Since then u mentioned ur health scare and again I hope writing bout it helped on here from what I see loads more support and people who do actually care which sometimes is a bit surreal when we don't really know each other, the bonds do become strong and sometimes gambling is a non topic of the conversation which for me is how it should be I hate having to think I should justify my diary by talking bout gambling in the end its our diaries we can say what we want, its great goin on Rachaels diary and just chatting bout all sorts and its amazing how much u can learn

Take care and hope alls well on the health front

Castle2

Yo,

Do not read or post that much lately , but like to touch base know and again.

Glad I did this morning , because I wanted to say , you know Hun , I did that worked , worked , worked .

No was not in my vocabulary . Looking back I believe it was all about how people would perceive me , and my perception of myself. I had this mantra at a very early age that I did not want to be the best but would never let anyone say that I did not try my hardest .

I believe that mentality was the ignition to a lot of my addictive behaviour .

I say or rather write this , in the hope that if any of this rings true to you, that it helps you . Coz it would make me sad to think that you end up battling away for another 30 years till the light bulb moment happens .

If our expectations of ourselves is too high , and each time we reach it , we then raise the bar . We will suffer mentally and physically .

You are a lovely person, your support for so many on this site is second to none . So let people support you whilst you are going through this , see yourself as we see you , as a thoughly decent hardworking kind sole .

But most of all Hun, give yourself a break , and be kind to you . If all else's fails , and you struggle to stop and relax for the odd five minutes ....................... candy crush is the answer lol

You are in my thoughts , hugs x a million

Shiny xxxxx

Thank you very much...really appreciated xxxxxx

Castle, yes, putting my health issues helped me, i needed to put it on black and white to get into my thick scull i'm no wonder woman...i am not strong enough to do it all...

Dear diary,

Don't feel too well today. Last round at work and i will be late lol....little step at a time...i will ring in sick eventually ....next year 😉

Spoke to sis today..she says how has this year been to you?....i said, the best year of my life....thinking now, that my gambling issue actually helped me to find true me...i can't open up in 3d...but i let you all see me as a open book. In a way, i would like my sis to read this diary when i'm not around anymore...maybe she would see, what i can't show in real life....i'm not that bad and i do have heart and feelings....

I suppose some of you think i'm laughing stock, don't look at life seriously....i laugh...when my heart wants to cry...and how many times in a week it's happening?? It is my medicine, i dig myself out...and i genually like to mk ppl smile 🙂

This site is very big help for me... i will always be thankful to all of you, i still tick along...don't feel too certain for how long since recent events, but i gave it a shot and got myself on recovery path..

I am proud of myself...i don't want to gamble anymore..i don't want excitement....i am happy to live calm life and watch the world going by..

Recovery is bespoke...and i made a change to turn things around...i learned so much and am glad i could share my life story with you...

Good bad and the ugly...it's all out there...it's my life..

It's not depresing post i hope lol....just calm with myself and trying to steady my heart beat 🙂

...works......hey ho...hour late for work ...wow...will get bollocking ha ha...at least i will come in 🙂

Keep fighting the good fight...

....stay strong and keep calm...

Hugs all around...speak later xxxxxxxxxxx

S x

Dear diary,

Decide to take it ever so easy today. Late for work and was greeted with smiles lol...( i think they was scared i wont come in all together ha ha)...i must look pale or smthing, couse was told to stay on break for hour or two!!!! Can you believe it!! I sure use this kindness lol...not busy anyway..

Second day in a row get up two hours before work...3 cups of coffee in a space of 40 min .. and then my heart starts pumping but body feels tired...that's not right..

I don't like to sleep this long, but don't seem to be able to get up early recently...maybe this is it??lol...body takes control over brain lol...

Gonna be brave girl and go for a run tomorrow 🙂

As i said earlier today, gambling start playing very little part in my head... i like it. I know it will stay close by, but it's true, as further you go as easier is getting to fight urges.... i think i start concentrating more on health too...not getting any younger 😀

1st of December...i can't believe how quickly time flies...Xmas coming and getting a bit sad( just a bit)...i can't go bk home to spend it with my parents...but it's ok...i will do it next year..

Ok..enough for now..all is good..old ticker doing it's job...time for some food to get my strength back 🙂

Day at a time

Sandra x

P.s.just seen.....over 1000 posts!!!! Wow...another 50000 to go lol lol lol xx

Hi Sis,

Rach is right. You are the heart of this forum. Huge hug coming right back atcha! 😀 -joanxxx

Yo,

Not that I want to out do lol

But I got through level 158 , needed a stripey and a hundred thousand to do it . But they fell right and now struggling with 159 those d**n Chocs keep popping up .

Know where there's a will there's a way . Bit like recovery really .

Hugs Hun, keep putting yourself first , cos right here right now , you need to get well , and be guardian of your health and happiness .

Shiny xxxxx

Hey Sunshine girl...

Some great posts there....I don't think your a laughing stock Hun I think you are a real person who has the courage to show your insides .

You do have a terrific sense if humour though which I love...I still chuckle even today about me driving into cars ..lol

The best words ever on your post being " I don't feel the need to gamble "

Too right ....why do that when you have all this personality and sprit it inside you ?

I am hoping this car passes this MOT or I shall be looking your mate up to get me fast track certificate.

I keep dumping on my diary as it keeps me sane but also I enjoy the banter and hearing about how everyone's day is going,

I can see you went to work naughty girl! * slapping wrists * ..just take it easy as there is only one you,

You make people very happy Sandra just by being you ..

R and D xxx..

Thank you very much Joan, Julie, Shiny, Rachel and dotty heh heh xxx

I made it to Monday and feel big relief that weekend finally gone. Old good ticker still in place and all is good. A little bit tired, had to put some extra concentration on a way back, was really foggy, so please all make sure you drive safe if it's the same situ round UK.

Time to get some rest. Another day without my habit ticked off. Really pleased with that.

Be good to yourselves all

We live only once..so why not to make something nice out of our lives?? We are free as a birds..

S x

Have a relaxing day off lovely lady and than you for the support as your words are so kind and always bring a smile to my face.

xxx

Thanx Julie and DF...peace for you girls xx

Dear diary,

Just sat down. Busy cleaning, washing and few other odd jobs. Finally went for a run and feel so much better. I start realizing that running is quite big part in my recovery. Then i run i do think a lot, but as well getting that energy(anger) out which is great for my recovery.

I wasn't too honest with myself uptil just recently. I am not sure how to put it down for it not too sound too depressing...i was 50/50 about my life all along..i had really low days and volcano's post made me to reflect on myself today...i am slowly letting things go and look at my recovery with calmer attitude.i refuse to let go of my past, which will always be close on my mind, but i learned that i have to concentrate on today.

There are no escape routes for me, no matter how much i would like that. I see the way it is. I start thinking straight.gambling will not help me, there would be no end to it and i wouldn't handle the beating myself up. Only couse of my last slip, i know i can't go back there. Simply..my life would be on a line.it's weird..but there is smthing in me, which cares about my safety and blocks myself from bad thoughts...GEMINI hmmmm...

I know slips are possible and part of recovery..i am not trying to be too hard on myself, i just know how my split personality works....

Today i will not gamble. I will not do a lot either, just relax now. Past is past, i feel a lot better these days, maybe my little health issue helped me to understand what is really important in life. ...health, family, friends(one in 3d) and many on here...it is enough for me...i couldn't ask for more..;-)

The rest...i let it flow at steady pace. If i meet someone i meet someone...if not, let it be...i will do my best to enjoy life anyway..

It is happiness out there...just to find that door and step that step. ..we all have the right to do it..

Ok, enough little tears, got some "celebrity get me out of here to catch up with" lol...

Take care all

Hugs to all my friends xx

Day at a time

Sandra xx

Hi wee pal

As always, its a joy to read your posts. You have always been honest and open about your feelings, which I respect greatly.

I hope today continues to be an enjoyable respite from work.

Take care

Irene

x

Thanx wee pal...and thank you for getting in touch 😉

Dear diary,

Arrr...Sandra feeling self pity today. feel tired and pain is back. A bit low mood...(warning bells ringing lol).Digging myself out of this mood of course, try to get a little kip and do smthing useful again. Checked my bank and w*f...not sure where money goes...only got paid 5 days ago..Arr..no more Xmas presents, next pay day 24th so gonna have to be few last minute prezzies 🙂

Got a letter from Samaritans organization. Brought not too nice memories back. But it is good to reflect where i was 7 months ago and where i am now. will always be thankful for that ladies voice on the other end of the line, trying to keep talking to me and keeping my mind occupied...Succeeded...saved my life..as well as staff on this site and all the people here..Arr..i needed a lot of help ey? It is tough to ask for help, but i believe at some stage of our life we hit the bottom where we need somebody to listen...for me...it is people i don't know, where i can open up the way i am and not being scared to be judged.

So yea...bank nearly empty, but i will find some pounds to donate for those great souls..(Xmas is tough time for people, if i can help people to reach for help they looking for, God...that's just great!!)

Alright, wasn't planning to blah blah..finish it short...day 64 - no gambling. Still ticking along and trying to keep my mind occupied..( cleaning spree on a way with some tunes from my earphones :-D...like you do, being a geek lol lol )

Keep it up fighters..

We can do it!!!

S x

Hello diary, back again with more thoughts,

Don't seem to shift thinking head on today lol...

Thinking about my recovery and single one of you dear fighters....

Carla, and her tackling the snow and trying to heal her hands, Volcano - using his strength from within and getting back on a recovery road, Rachel and her fighting spirit to find old self(plus little Dotty waiting for her to come back from work), Duncs and his 2 weeks away from the family but keeping true to his words, Irene - and her lovely new chapter in life, DF and her calm life by the river, Joan and her trying to wire thoughts together which P****** her off (lol..sorry J)...Soul and her fight against survival till pay day, but having a LOL always by her side, Julie and her determination to make things right, Castle and his hard daily routine, but time well spend with little Jess, SA and his challenging work duties, Shiny and her lovely life after breaking through plus tackling lever 159 on candy crush lol, Dave and his tread for Xmas, while facing problems in 3d, Pinksparkle which enjoying her life, Feb and her wheels going around town 🙂 , Alex and his fight against evil habit and many many more...I do think about ppl which are not as active on here....Charlotte, Phil, Stu, Stubsy, Lisa, Elizabeth,Lyn,Blondie,Nicki...which i hope having new chapter of their lives and enjoying it all...

and of course i think of people which starting their journey to recovery..

....Sorry if i missed few of you out...my memory getting worse with the age lol

I met so many of you guys, and every single one of you left in print in my heart...i will never forget you and always be willing you on.We are all on personal journeys..but reaching for the same result...freedom and peace with ourselves.

Look into your heart people...the massive thing we are lucky to have.Believe in yourselves and good things will happen..

Step at a time

God bless - Sandra xxxx

P.s.felt like in a church being a priest lol lol...that will never happen of course 😀