...

Thank you all for visiting "happy place" lol

most appreciated xx

Dear diary,

Finally can sit down. went on a road trip this morning lol....which was nice entertaining for myself, music on and singing out loud all the way to my destination 😉

Thinking about Xmas today...have no choice since the house looks like Santa's hut with all the decorations and lights lol...might even wrap some presents.

My Santa's dream was shattered at the age of 5...thanx to my sis, which digged the presents out a week b4 Xmas ,and found the same ones under the tree lol

ha ha just remembered when she said she went on a excursion with the class before Christmas ... - on a clouds, and eating candy floss!!! Of course i believed her and give quite hard time to my parents saying i want to go too lol...Don't you just love big sisters lol lol

Ohh...happy childhood with no worries and stress in it.

Xmas this year will be different compare to last year. First i am not gambling, i feel the whole lot better about myself i will not watch the clock and try to make excuses why i want to leave early, i WILL enjoy company of my loved ones.....and....some gamcarers might turn up too!!!:-) Happy days lol

Today is a good day, and everything seems to tick the right boxes. So just for today i will enjoy everything what comes my way and will not even attempt to push self destructive button with gambling!!!

Battling on !!!! Day...60...??? WOW lol

S x

Hi Sandra... good stuff on your 60 days! I see your getting into the festive cheer, I can't say am doing the same lol.. but anyway, happy days. This time of year is always better when we are not gambling. Take care... S.A 🙂

Thank you so much SA and Julie xx

Dear diary,

Sigh.....mood is going down...but it's all right,my weekend at work so will have something to concentrate on.will not do anything silly.

Day at a time

S

Diary,

Went on a chat last night and thoughts are going round my head constantly...somebody who has learned to live with this addiction for a good period of time and keep it at bay with full understanding what destruction it can bring....is experiencing the same feelings while watching the loved one go down the same path...i think it's horrible..person feels guilty and is killing himself/herself inside out couse of the choices the loved one makes. Stuck in between watching ticking time bomb....

Now if it was me watching my sister going the same path...let's say if she didn't know i have this addiction.what can you say???? I watch her pressing self destruct button with shopping ( still).....i feed her addiction in a way....it makes person happy...w*f it's destroying her...and she can't see it..makes me mad, makes me angry but i feel stuck somewhere and not able to express how i feel about it. I start distancing myself...sort of leaving it be...

It's wrong...and i did try number of times...am i waiting for her rock bottom? I thought she had it earlier this year...deep end...but she worked her way out and back on merry go round. What? Not happy marriage, life?? Not f*****g excuse!!! I can easily say i don't like this life and find the easy numbing medicine - gambling. Where that would lead me??? In a f*****g hell... and that's where she is going.

Addictions....they all around us in one form or another...can i keep turning blind eye to it or can i change the way others think? It hurts, i feel helpless...only couse i love her and know what hearing he truth can sometimes pull family apart...

Nothing changes if nothing changes..

At the crossroads again....speak up or keep my head low ?..............

Hi Sandra,

Taking a bit of a risk responding to your post because I am in no position to dole out any advice. So, this is not advice really just a thought about your thoughts: My mind is reeling these days because last year my brother died as a result of his life long addiction to alcohol. He chose alcohol over his health, his family, his job and countless relationships. He died alone in his apartment at this time last year. We don't even know the exact day he died as he was found by the landlord in response to complaints of a neighbor... Anyway, the point here is not to depress you further but, to say, I understand what it feels like to love someone who is in the process of self destructing. There is a line in a song that plays continuously in my head. It goes like this:

"where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness..

And, I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how

to save a life"..

I could not save him from himself Sandra. I understand your pain today. I really do.. -joanxxxxxx

Yeah we'd like to but can't live other people's lives, hell can hardly live my own. LOL Guess when it comes to this addiction gotta worry about yourself first. Guess for me there wasn't anyone that could of told me I had a problem and had to figure it out on my own. I'm sure she'll see it soon enough and maybe come to ya for some advice but till then ain't much anyone can do. Hang in there and hope your Friday is good to ya.

I m definetley not one to give advice because I don t even take my own advice. but could the person not ask if everything was ok as the person doesn t seem theirselves and ask if they need any help or just to talk and if given a negative reply just say their always there to support them when needed for any reason.

you have a very kind heart but remember you always need to look after you .because we re all here to firstly help ourselves and if we can help and encourage others on our journeys as you do then great. but we all need to follow our own paths we can offer a hand to help its up to them if they choose to take it

Thank you so much dear soldiers xxxxxxx means a lot x

Would appreciate if won't get any replies to this post pls...had enough "sorry" looks in past couple hrs..

Dear diary,

Escorted home early...hmmm...ticking along like normal person, middle lane normal speed going about my business at work. Got my team together for a little brief...and...boom..my heart decides to go on strike....( maybe it just don't like audience haha)..

...Anyway, laugh through tears but...it was a amazing feeling at the age of 28 lol...all thanx to stress, no sleep, "forgetting" to eat, 20 cups of coffee every day, extreme excersising, night shifts, plenty of f**s, enough booze, and past "dedication" to my green slowing heart beat friend...hmmm,..start having some protests in my body lol

Actually, not first...had few issues last year and ...i noticed more extreme changes with my heart earlier this week...went for a run and half way through couldn't run anymore, couldn't breath and it felt like somebody had knife in my heart and was repeatedly stabbing in....didn't dare to have another go since...

I rush to live, i do more than i should...i am like "energizer rabbit"....i need to slow down, body can't keep up with my brain. I think it's time to look after no1....my body sending me signals and i need to react to them...

...

....well.blah blah blah lol...maybe start with getting some rest.

Day 61...trying to calm myself down and look at the bright side - at least i have a heart!! lol

Will not worry about sister for a while....i think i topped myself off yesterday with too much stress....breathe in and out......

Day at a time

....health is priceless and i come to realize it now....better later than never...

S x

You have one big heart Sandra ...((())))

I won't give you sorry looks if you don't like that but I am concerned about my cyber friend of course...

I hope you won't be rushing back into work and give the Ol ticker a rest..I know your job is a stress on your body and it's not as easy to just change it..

Omega 3 Fish oils very good for the ticker if you don't take em already and a good multi vit and mineral so you can get your nutrients that coffee may drain off..I drink a lot of coffee too btw..

Also there is a Russian ginseng called Rhodiola that works like a stress buster and brilliant for night shift and people who keep irregular hours and maybe don't have same quota of daylight like pilots etc..just make sure your not on any other medicines with this herb...

Can recommend you some good quality brands if you like and nearest stockists once your checked out by the doc xxx.

Ok..dr Rachie is leaving the house now..lol lol xxxx

REST UP xxx

Well hell girl at age 28 ya shouldn't be having heart problems. Yeah too much coffee, not enough sleep, and over working yourself will do a number on a person. Could be just panic attacks but Maybe time for a physical for ya girl.

Hey girls...so much out of my kind request not to feel sorry for me lol xxx ((((R))))) (((((S)))))

Diary,

Ticking along and all is good. As i mentioned on Rachel's tread, my hibernation season must of started haha...maybe just needed a good sleep. ..

Hey ho...round two and try my luck to finish off my speech lol lol

No gambling - no problem 🙂

Take care all...enjoy ur Saturday xx

S x

Sandra..do you know how difficult it's been to withhold my sympathy..you are testing my recovery girl! Lol lol lol

I am hoping you have called in sick Missy!!!

I'm watching ya....: : : : : : : : : : : :

See that above ??? That's 12 eyes of the Apostles watching ya too and will withhold poppy seeds if you go into work..lol

R and D xx

Lol hell just deleted that whole bit and yeah hope all is good with ya.

Lol sorry about that!!

Typed two messages, but was logged out twice for some reason lol

Thanx girls..

Rach...all i need is twelve eyes watching over me..i'm looking over my shoulder as it is with my panic about suspicious cars lol

Going in,couse too late to ring up...on my way out.Will be ok, battling on!!! (maybe just spend night in front of computer all night, plenty of paperwork to do) will tk it easy don't worry...

Enjoy ur Saturday ppl xx

S x