...

Good morning :-))

Still dark outside so guessing our Ms Sunshine is asleep.

Rest up Hun as many courses to be eaten...hope your visit to sis went ok . R and D xx

Thank you Duncs and Rach xx

Dear diary,

Day 73, no gambling today and as Duncs says, i start falling in live with my recovery 🙂 got much love to give so why not to start with my recovery, it gifts me new better life, new goals and belief. Great!!

The rest will follow indeed..

Keep fighting and reaching for that light at the end of the tunnel.

Day at a time

Take care all

Sandra x

Sandra thanks for the post and congratulations on your achievements to date.

I hope your recovery continues to be strong. Yours and others like you are inspirational. I love reading recovery stories they give me the strength and determination to succeed and without them I would be so tempted to just fall back into the abyss.

Instead I leave this site full of hope and strength, I am so grateful. X

Hey S

ROFL = Rolling Over (on the ) Floor Laughing! :-)))

Today I would like to say I am but I'm not 🙁 ..

May be back to normal transmission tomorrow xxxx

Thank you both 🙂

Dear diary,

End of my day and i have to admit it was quite good one. Went out for work do and actually enjoyed it. Raised few looks ( smthing i was dreading tbh ) couse nobody ever seen me outside my work place.( prob couse they seen my hair down lol).. Not sure why i still get so anxious, like to be "quiet mouse " no attention required..

Anyway, come bk home, good spirit...and f****g urges hit??? Interesting, i only used to get them when feeling low, so must of been smthing similar to keep the "buzz"going....no problem..was just in time for a chat so went there and had a lovely banter with Graham and Robert...really festive conversations which lifted my spirit higher.

Time goes very quick recently...12 days till Xmas...and me being me,( always about this time) start panicking i didn't get enough presents, so did few last minute orders.

Weekend at work, so not big issue with urges, all i know time will fly quicker and i will prob find myself back into my routine at Xmas eve. A lot of "homework" paperwork to do from work over weekend, which requires a lot of attention and concentration. Looking at it as positive actually, as soon as i keep myself occupied and don't think about silly outlets to run away.

Last couple of days, my memories left me alone and i find that spark to keep going on. Which is nice feeling. I needed rest from my overthinking about sh*tty past and childhood..

All in one, all good...a bit of music before sleeps and face my challenges tomorrow.

Day at a time...no gambling

Stay safe all

Sandra x

Hi Sandra... I relate to the anxiety and wanting to be a quiet mouse in social situations. having said that when I feel comfortable I can "just occasionally" be the life and soul. I have to feel at ease though and that doesn't happen very often.

Glad you got through them pesky urges. They can strike at any time and anywhere, but you coped so you did well. Thanks for your support as always... S.A 🙂

Hey Sandra..kindest lady on the planet..

Thank you for your kind offer Hun but I will be ok..just got to watch the pennies that's all...

Your post there made me understand something I could not understand before about the buzz etc and wanting to keep it going ...something about the ex now makes sense..

I am thinking you looked a hottie on your night out....whit wooo!

Good ,bad and ugly days ....it's all ok here ..:-)))

R and D xx

Thank you dear soldiers..keep it up no matter what journey you are on !!!! 🙂 xxx

Dear dairy,

What goes up has to go down. Especially my moods lol..trying to have a laugh on here today but heart feels like split in half...hey ho..this shall pass too 🙂

Have a good day all

No gambling in my plans...still trying to reach the clouds with natural healthy buzz 🙂

S x

Ugly post so don't read it.few notes for myself.

Diary,

Sick of people trying to rule my life. Who to date, how to dress, what haircut to have, how to speak !!! You know what - f*k YOU ALL!

f*k it

So OK...thank you all xx

Appologies who had a glance of my last post. Nothing against my mum...she is just a person making mistakes as all of us. Love her more than ever no matter what..

Anyway, really bad mood today. Feisty, if that's a word. One of them days, and ppl sense ( thank god ) and keeping out of the way.

Blow the lid, couse one of the dearest ppl( family wise) here, decide to say how i hav to live...

It's ok...s**t happens..maybe just tries to help ..but i don't need dating service thank u..have legs and eyes myself..

Ok...breathing...breathing..all ok..no gambling.

Sorry all

S x

Thanks Sandra but everything just seems too much effort at the moment so hiding under my quilt today.

Thanks for caring.

xxx

Thank you ladies..Julie you have a great sense of humour, thank you for lifting my spirit up..sometimes that's all i need..just a smile 🙂

DF, rollercoaster is natural thing in recovery and life. I am there next to you, never forget that xx

Dear diary,

Well, what can i say..one of those days yesterday..from feeling sad, to going livid after a text to getting angry with myself and even my own parents for gifting me life. I can't believe i put some s**t on my diary. It was proper rage and i wasn't sure i could come out of it. But i did, as night progressed, and some chats on here my spirit lifted and i come off the ride.

Not sure what's happening with me. If i get low..it's ott low, if happy - no bounds there either. And when keep appologising to everyone who got in my way at the wrong time.

Maybe middle age crisis? d**n if it's like that now i hate to think what next...

No urges, just sad feeling about it all. Don't like to feel sad, but as i say it is part of recovery. Good and bad. It is part of me, as much as wouldn't like to show this side, i am who i am..

Waffling now..time for sleeps....:-)

Day at a time

Take care all

S x

Hey Sandra...No apologies necessary Hun..:-))

I didn't see your posts but even if I had then that's ok I'm sure they were not as bad as you think...xxx

We all have bad days on here and think anyone who is human understands that and doesn't take it personally. Its a good thing to get anger out and if you can't on here then where can you ?

Suppressing it is part of the problem anyway for me too ...

I also felt in a ranty mood yesterday often it can be a a small thing that links into other things...for example it can go from:

Sky overcharging me ...to

I only have this anyway cos of the lodger

I hate being compromised having a lodger

Why am i in this position at my age financially ?

Its because I met "him "

Cue..rant.

See how that escalates from tv? Lol

So that's how my mind can work within seconds..Your not mad or having a mid life crisis ..your human and that makes you real ..Real people have bad days ,say things they may decide to delete.

The way I look at it Sandra is that maybe in times gone by that anger would have kept inside you and you may have made a choice to gamble to forget or squash it down...now you can get it out on here and not gamble,

What ever it takes I say !!!

You have permission to rant on my diary anytime S...better out than in as Shrek always says ..:-))))

R and D xxxx

Thank you Rachel and Julie xx P.s. Julie...no worries, i will let u sleep tonight lol..i believe ur well deserved day off is finally here 😉

Dear diary,

Thinking about the escalation of my anger today. Rachel put a perfect example. Things can take stormy turn from little 'problem' and it is all about how we react to it.

I have to admit i feel sorry for poor souls at work yesterday....my lid stayed off till midnight and i did stormed around like a tornado picking on every tiny bit on my way...i better get few boxes of sweets for my crew today...little Xmas treat ( my guilty way of saying sorry in a way 🙂 )

Today is better, not perfect, which no way i'm looking for perfect. As long as my mind is calm i can navigate through today.

Still thinking a lot...the friends i lost ( which are not in this world anymore)..i was surrounded by death a lot in my youth.

It's weird how festive season brings all the memories back. I accept it, i can say i am alive and i can feel ... i wasn't like that last year while gambling...even before that...i am changing..i am becoming more "human" now..i look deep into myself and others around me. The wisdom i found on this site is unbelievable. I value you all so much. I am shaping myself the way i am and should of been for a long time. Accepting good and bad days, facing reality and not looking for the escape routes.

Once again i question myself...was my gambling experience last step to shape me the way i am now? I am not looking for cruches anymore, i grow stronger each day. I find myself amongst all of you fighters and am so greatful for every single word i received from you. It's the best place to be and find ur real self, understand urself better and look ahead.

Big thank you to all

I can go to work with a calm heart today, i have learned another valuable lesson, thanx to you guys.

Day 75. I like being myself today and i treasure what i have got. No need to gamble to crash it all in few hours..why would i want to do that???

Take care all

Day at a time

Sandra x