Going to keep this thread now!

If it didn't feel right freda then you did the right thing.. 

You will know when the time is right x

Boo ?

It felt right in the sense he seems a lovely guy. I just don't trust people to think I'm good enough. 

I hate feeling judged. It's like it could have dispelled my fears and given me more examples of someone who did think I was good enough but it could have also been yet another person who thought I wasn't. You never find out, either. Why they didn't like you. I wouldn't mind if someone just didn't like my personality, or my voice, or something random. There's something about being rejected because of my size, my body, that upsets me. It makes me feel ashamed. 

I've got a splitting headache. 

Just had a heated discussion with a friend. He was angry because he felt judged. He thought I was having a go at him for being one of those men who only goes out with slim women. I wasn't saying it makes someone a bad person, just that I think a lot of men won't even fancy a chubby woman, let alone a larger woman and it's quite a high standard to have, so it's frustrating. It's, like, most of us ruled out. Doesn't make those men horrible people but it isn't nice to experience.

I don't know, maybe I've got a skewed perception and it isn't even true but I find it hard to ignore the constant messages that it is true.

Isn't it messed up, for example, that there are dozens of kinds of underwear to try and hide what you really look like, as a woman but I'm not aware of any such thing for a man. It's good that there isn't such a thing for men, I just wish the same was true for women.

I have been making a concerted effort to notice when I see a couple where the woman IS bigger but he seems to be smitten. 

I was just honest with the bloke about how I feel at the moment. He was very understanding and still wants to meet me. I reckon I will, although I'm still feeling a bit too uncomfortable in myself, right now.

? that makes me happy Freda. Hopefully it won't be too long before you feel up to meeting him. 

Well, I went to my mad laughing group yesterday. Laughed until I cried and snot came oozing out of my nose!

Felt very tired after that but went home, had a rest and some food, then went out for a run at 10pm, haha!

Some of our accepted attitudes in society are bizarre when you really think about them. Most people would think a woman shouldn't go out running, alone at night. I think most people would have that attitude. Because there are rapists out there, presumably. But I was laughing to myself, as I ran around, thinking that is such a silly way of thinking. Why on earth should half the population be under house arrest at night, for, like, six months of the year?! Just because there are a few sick people in society. I thought to myself, if I were to get raped, it would completely be the rapists fault, not mine. Why do women take responsibility for someone else's sick behaviour?! Saying "I shouldn't have been out alone, at night". Stuff that! 

I'm reclaiming my freedom. Defiantly! I don't want to live in fear anymore. I live in quite a rough city. We don't have gun crime, thankfully, but it's not a posh city. Do  you know what?! Since I started walking about the city on my own, a few years ago, I have had not one tiny problem from anyone. Not once. Not even been slightly worried. Now, I'm not saying I'm not *slightly* increasing my risk of coming to harm by doing this - but do you know what? it's been 100% worth it. I just don't think we are realistic about the actual likelihood of something happening. Let's not live thinking there's, like, a 5% chance of getting attacked, if the reality is 0.005% Media skews our perception of how dangerous/bad the world is. 

Anyway, I feel better about the body image issues when I am able to do something constructive about it. Having had certain hormonal events twice a month, lately, I don't feel able to do this every day, so I cherish it when I do.

No gambling.

Freda I admire your grit and determination.. But can I just add (don't want to rain on your parade). I have had a couple of falls and been glad of daylight and company. I know you use your wisdom. Please don't think I'm being all knowing..

Do take care. I absolutely support your reasoning on this.

Take care boo ???❤️

That's a fair point about having a fall, Boo 🙂 

I stick to well-lit main roads. I live on the edge of a city centre, so there's folk passing, buses etc. I just think life is one long series of risk assessments. We calculate risk and make choices. 

Freda,

It is lovely to read your post. It just summed up the difference between living and being alive to me. Go girl ?

The laughing class sounds awesome!

Thanks, I've been really tired today. Physically. I found work difficult, walking around for hours. 

I got through it and walked home but have been lounging on the sofa, resting all night. 

Some of the weight gain recently, has been my doing, from overeating. I've started to get that under control, although it hasn't been easy to be firm with myself, when I've fancied a snack at night. I'm trying to do intermittent fasting, having 14 hours at least when I don't eat. Hopefully, by the morning, I'll have managed a 16 hour one. This is really very good for your health. 

I'm going to see a GP tomorrow, to see if they have anything they can do to help with the hormonal problems. That has definitely been exacerbating things.

Hiya.. I relate to the over eating thing, all tied in to being body concious. I woosh i could be one of these people that just lets it all hang out and doesn't give a d**n. But am not. I am not fat but not thin either. My belly never completely goes... especially at the moment. I find I hold my tummy in when am feeling self-concious and nowadays I always buy XL tops, the length kind of disguises ones tummy. I too am struggling on the late night snacking. I like the idea of fasting iv'e never done it before, I might try it.

I live on the edge of a city as well, like you say life is like one big risk assessment. I notice on the news that Britains most prolific s*x offender was a man targeting men! Its never bothered me in the slightest walking anywhere at any time of day or night... but maybe I should think again.

Take care.. S.A

I feel really depressed tonight. I have been comfort eating and the weather is terrible outside, so been stuck in, as well.

Lately, I feel quite sorry for myself. I know there are loads of people worse off than me but I still feel a bit fed up.

I want a boyfriend.

Evening Freda,

you must be going through a complete emotional roller coaster right now. It is ok to not be ok sometimes. I re-read your diary for the last week and you have shown some moments of real strength and self appreciation. When that feeling returns (it will be soon), it might be time to pick up the phone to your postponed date x

Thanks, Murlo. 

He got a bit rude toward me, actually, then I noticed he'd deleted our conversation we originally had on the dating app. So, not a terribly mature person in the end. I've saved myself some wasted energy there, I think.

Hi Freda,

Keep strong. We all go through ups and downs but you're staying GF so that's all that matters. Keep checking in and talking to us all. I can't wait to continue the journey with you and all the successes it will bring. Keep away from flaky men like that, you certainly don't need that if your life. It's certainly them, not you, don't worry!

Andy