Here goes again... The final assault!

Thanks for your sincerity and openness it is very upfront and really brings home the power of total addiction    Thank you 👑

Thank you for being so honest, so much of that rings true for myself, I hate myself for gambling and not telling my husband until it’s too late, I am also trying to see if I can get some of the debt cleared off my credit cards through the irresponsible lending, I have given all my finances to my husband as he doesn’t trust me and I don’t blame him neither do I, one day at a time is what I keep saying to myself 

An amazing in depth post. Thank you for sharing, I hope I can take inspiration from you & this post. I have been gambling heavily for 8 years and in huge amounts of debts. 

Well done on writing such and open and honest post.  I hope Gambian will be of great use for starters but even more importantly, I hope you find help and strength from your CBT sessions/support from your Gamcare family on here. 🙏.

Stay strong and be kind to yourself.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

Thankyou all for reading my late night ramblings.  It's good to know others understand.

Posted by: @b18tl3m5jx

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Thank you for being so honest, so much of that rings true for myself, I hate myself for gambling and not telling my husband until it’s too late, I am also trying to see if I can get some of the debt cleared off my credit cards through the irresponsible lending, I have given all my finances to my husband as he doesn’t trust me and I don’t blame him neither do I, one day at a time is what I keep saying to myself 

I understand where you were coming from.  It's the fear of hearing yourself say the words to someone, seeing their disappointment and it all becoming real.

I have one debit card I use with the security numbers on the back scratched off.  It means I can't deposit to any online casino but still can pay for everyday things when out and about.  The other cards are locked in a key safe that only my wife knows the combination for.  It is a big relief.  I just have zero trust in myself right now regarding money and gambling.

I told my credit card company that I was a problem gambler and had used the card at overseas sites so the transactions could not be blocked due to them not using gambling merchant codes.  I asked that my gambling issue be added to my file. They still were happy for me to have a £11,000 limit.  Months later I called them again and asked them to freeze the card due to my issues, they didn't.

I have complained to them and they gave an unpleasant response rejecting my complaint and showing absolutely no knowledge that a vulnerable person with mental health issues and a gambling addiction had asked them for help.   

The sad thing was that I wasn't expecting money back from them. I just wanted them to learn how not to make the same mistake with the next person.

The CBT is going really well.  It has given me a bigger insight into why I have been behaving they way that I did.  Also the importance of rewarding myself for not gambling.

Thanks again for reading.

@thebean well done on this extremely honest post. I hope you can feel just a little bit better for getting it all out. 

A lot of it I can relate to. Although my gambling only went on 4-5 years, it was still bad. 

I really wished I had asked for help sooner, but I couldn’t get the words out. It’s such an awful trapped feeling. 

Last July I hit rock bottom and same as you, fell to the ground. I had to tell my husband I had racked up a huge amount of debt (tens of thousands!) and in his name!

Realising that a gambling addiction is an illness and that you didn’t wake up one morning deciding to ruin your life, is the first and biggest step forward. Being kind to yourself and forgiving yourself is another. 

Some people will judge because it’s so destructive as it involves money, but they won’t and don’t try to understand. I know it is hard because until you go through it, you’ll never really understand. I wouldn’t wish the feelings on my worse enemy. 

I am currently 292 days GF and I’m feeling stronger each and every day! I’ve recently completed the Gordon Moody Retreat and Counselling course and it was the best thing I could have done! I learned so much about myself! 

Massive good luck on your journey. Just take one day at a time! You’ve got this and you can beat those evils demons. 

Claire x

@cpparch Thanks.  I do feel better for writing it, I just wish I had edited it for spelling and grammar!

292 days GF is fantastic.  Well done.  It gives me hope.

For years I thought that I was selfish and weak, broken and abnormal because of the gambling.  Then after a conversation it was pointed out that I never used the money to actually benefit myself.  It was not like I used the money on a Rolex, sharp suit or fast car, I actually never spent money on myself.  I was using the money to gain access to a behaviour that was hurting me deeply.

I was not being selfish and have an illness that needed treatment.

I am interested in Gordon Moody and further Counselling after my CBT as I am already nervous about when my CBT sessions end even though I am not even halfway through.

My next session is tomorrow.  The theme is 'coping with cravings' and much needed as I really am having cravings right now as I write.  But I will read some forum posts instead of gambling and reflect on what I know is actually happening in my brain right now...  It is searching for dopamine and making me pay the price for withholding it.  I would get a high if I gambled right now but I would probably lose.  If I won, I would gamble it away.  Also I would have to tell the CBT group that I am back to day one and reset my counter.  Also I would probably lie about it to my wife which I do not want to do.  And find the money to replace it.

So I won't gamble today.

@thebean I was exactly the same! I wouldn’t even spend an extra £1 on some different shampoo! But I was also hard on my husband because I stopped him spending too, said we had to be careful every month, because it was my gambling money!! He never wanted mobile access to joint bank account or asked to look at account, so it was made easy for me unfortunately! 

It’s just about understanding that you can never beat the system, and eventually you could bet the value of a house, win double, but you’ll still always want more! 

I’ve found by staying connected to people in the same position - group chats, checking out the forum on here, messaging people I’ve met through the courses I’ve done etc, is a massive benefit. Because they all understand and get it! So if you have an urge, talk to someone about it, don’t hold it in. 

Being honest about everything, is the way forward. Even if you write down exactly how you feel, just to get it out, that helps too! If you start hiding things, keeping something from your wife, then it could be the start of something and somewhere you don’t want to go. I lied all day and everyday, I even started to believe the lies myself. It was mentally and physically exhausting, and I’m so glad I don’t have to do that now! 

Claire x

@cpparch

It was hard (or should I say easy?!?) for me as well, my wife was very happy for me to run our day-to-day bank account where my income was paid and our main expenditures went from.  She has always had her own bank account with her own money.  It would have worked fine but given my gambling issues I just had free reign on using the account without her knowing.   I have gone through some of the statements.  It is a hard read.

On one month alone I deposited over £20,000 to online sites, just managing to withdraw £18,000 but ended up blowing the overdraft and taking a payday loan to pay the rent.  Sheer madness!  There was never any amount I would be happy winning and would always be a little bit relieved when I had blown it and there was nothing left as it would mean I could finally stop and sleep.

It was exhausting.  Not just the sleeplessness as I was gambling when I should have been sleeping, but the anxiety and constantly checking back accounts and transactions.

I have now gone 21 days and 4 hours Gambling free.  Over the past few days I have not had any urges to gamble.  The Gamban App has really helped.  It has been much improved over the past 12 months and I found it impossible to remove it instantly. Just knowing that it is there stopping me and that I no longer have access to money has been so good.

It was a nice day at work today.  Really good atmosphere with my colleagues and nice feedback from some patients we were taking care of. 

After work my wife, eldest son and myself went straight to see my youngest play in his Primary School Rugby then we ate out.  My Bank account is now empty as it is going to take time to recover after last month's gambling, but I really don't care.  I have always been at this point in the month and usually much worse.  At least now I don't have to pretend.

I'll work overtime next week and can get a small wage advance from my job that will keep us going until I get paid on the 24th.  That will be the next test...  Payday.

@thebean you’ve done amazingly and should be so proud! Well done. 
Keep going - don’t let the demons win!!!

We’re all worth so much more x

24 days and 4 hours with no gambling!  My current record is 30 days. 

Right now as I sit and write I have no urges....  So why did I try and remove the gambling blocking software from my phone last night?  I failed thankfully.

It is like there is another force in me sometimes?  The counselor who is delivering my CBT explained it to me like this:

When we are children 50% of our energy goes to our brain.  Everything is new and we are making connections that require energy.  As adults only 20% of energy goes to our brain,  why?  Because we have already learned patterns of behaviour that we go on to repeat, the connections are made and ready to go.

I have learned how to get pleasure from dopamine by repeating a behaviour (Gambling)...  The primitive part of my brain seeks gambling on autopilot wanting a quick fix and when I do gamble it floods my brain with reward.  The down side is the reality that I lose money I need to pay for food, guilt the trauma the depression and the emptiness.  But my brain still wants to access the dopamine.

I need to build the new connections and behaviours that will go on to dominate the gambling habit.

This is starting to feel like a lonely journey.  I'm not sure why I wrote that?  I just wish gambling did not exist.

Today, I will not gamble.

Day 29 GF and the past week has been the most easy to get through.

Reading posts on here and the CBT has definitely helped.

Previously I have only managed 30 days GF and that it was much harder experience before.  After tomorrow I will be in uncharted territory having never really had so long GF.   Long may it continue!

I have my entire wage sitting in my bank account after being paid on the 24th, early because of the bank holiday this weekend.  I actually feel quite chilled about it, before though, knowing it was there would be a torture.

Hopefully these are all signs that my mind has shifted re gambling.  Still, I can't become complacent.  20 years of gambling hell as taught me the hard way.

Solid effort mate. Your story is very similar to mine, and to many others on here I'm sure. We can only aim to manage 1 day at a time but they quickly add up. Your mentality seems to have shifted like mine too. I never want to gamble again. My brain has switched from it being the only thing I could think about, to wanting to spend time doing normal things. Things I'd missed out on for so long. I now look forward to reading a book, or watching tv. Even playing a  game on the Xbox which is not like me. And this is not to distract me from gambling. I genuinely want to do this now. Hopefully we have both had that lightbulb moment where our brains realise we can never win and we could have a much better life if we actually lived it!

Stay strong mate 💪

1 month and 5 days gamble free now and the days are stacking up.

Financially I am up to my eyes in debt and have nothing the bank but I never did anyway due to gambling so no change there.

I had a good weekend with a few pints with my bro and did an escape room with family and friends on the Sunday.

I made sure I went to the gym, completed the CBT workshop re gambling harms and tried to implement all the measures to stop me gambling.  It seems to have worked so far.

I had to do a presentation at work which I was dreading as I hate public speaking but it went well.  I didn't need to gamble to cope with the stress.

Still feeling vulnerable though.  I don't want to gamble and I don't want to want to gamble but I know there is still the potential.

My wife has been great but seems to be in denial about what I have done and the debt and self harm.  She is quite happy to continue as though nothing happened.  I wish she would just acknowledge it, even if it was anger...  I only just pulled it together enough to survive this.  But I realise I can't ask for anything...  I did the gambling, it was me.

All in I am going well.  This is the longest in my life as a proper adult that I haven't gambled.  I just wonder where it's going and if I can do this long term.