16 days of no Gambling now. If anyone would have told me I would be in this situation in 2004 when I placed my 1st bet of £2 on 'Sports Personality of the Year' winning 40p I would have laughed in disbelief.
20 years later I am in 25k of debt having secretly had a gambling addiction all these years. Years of my mind absolutely taken over with gambling, self hatred and self emotional neglect. Me just trying to get through the day looking like some semblance of a together person to those around me but actually feeling numb like an imposter in his own body. Only the hope of a stiff drink at 10pm and logging on to online casinos to get the sugary warm rush of calm and oneness flowing through my brain that gambling gave me kept me going.
But then to wake up at 4am with a dry mouth and anxiety, bank cards scattered around my body with my heart thuding inside my chest as I try to remember what I won and lost and how I could make it through another day.
I wonder now if my 1st bet of £2 had lost would I have continued down the gambling path? Or would I of just watched TV and never bet again. Would I have continued at Uni and finished that degree instead of the 15years of dead end jobs? How would my mental health be? Would I have inflicted so much pain on myself? The past two decades have been utter Hell. I could not live them again and would not wish them on anyone.
The lying, constant checking of bank balance and insomnia. The guilt of not being able to pay for my son to have a McDonald's Happy Meal as daddy blew the bank account on one hand of blackjack the night before. Or driving back from a family holiday praying that the fuel gauge was underestimating the 50 miles in the tank as we need to get home and I can't afford any diesel because I blew the holiday money and could only be given a small payday loan that was now spent.
After the first bet in 2004 it all blurs in my brain. What I do know is that a few months later my student loan was gone and my overdraft with it. I moved back to my parents citing 'the wrong degree' as my reason. Really, I had no money to pay fees and living expenses.
I would wait til midnight and sit by the computer waiting to make another deposit to play card games. There was a limit of £500 per day spend on my credit cards, the wait was agonising. I did win as well as lose, but winning was worse than losing. It reinforced my delusion that I would beat the casino... Obviously, I just increased the bets and lost more.
Over the next years gambling was always there but my credit rating was trashed so I had no access to cash, this stopped me from accessing the means to gamble.
I met my future wife and everything fell into place. I was just skint all the time as I was always gambling with any excess cash I had, but the rent was always paid, the bills were met it was just that after 10pm out the smart phone would come and the calmness with it of gambling under the duvet.
I kid myself that I was okay. The debt was normal, it didn't affect my wife as it was me dealing with it. Of course that was a lie, I was only ever half present, my mind mutilated by the constant dopamine rush that I knew was coming later.
Two children later and we are the picture perfect family. Only we are not and it is all on me.
The debt was manageable and after years the credit cards were paid off. It was now illegal for UK gambling companies to accept credit card payments so I was held back in blowing the now big credit limits. I even told myself I was doing well, only a successful person would have so many credit cards with such limits but hubris begets nemesis.
Then I did what I once thought unthinkable. At the end of 2022 I started opening accounts with non UK regulated casinos. I even won, the worst for me.
I would deposit up to £1500 per night, lose, lose then win and lose it all again.
The unregulated casinos would not hear my requests to close my account as I knew I had a problem. If I ever won they would hold onto the withdraw and encourage me to reverse it. Inevitably I would and it would be lost. But the drive to gamble was so strong I would just get a loan or open another card.
I lost all my money and all my credit cards were maxed with high interest rates. I could never pay them off but still this was all a secret. I had a full on breakdown and only just held it together, telling my family that I was having random anxiety issues. I had to pullover while driving one day as I could not stop crying with guilt at what I was doing. I sobbed then had to pull it all together for a work meeting saying that I had hayfever which is why my eyes where red.
It was then that I called Gamcare. I tried so hard. I posted on this forum and spoke to a lovely Gamcare worker who helped me vocalise what I had gone through. She made me see that I had a mental health issue regarding gambling I was not a bad and weak person, I thank her so much for this.
By early 2023 I had gone 30 days with not gambling. I had suffered withdrawals and had setbacks but I did it. On the 30th day I had my final call with the Gamcare worker that had been so instrumental. She warned me that it was not over, it wasnt. That night I gambled and won, only to lose it all and more.
I continued to gamble each night between 10pm and 3am. Burning myself out and losing everything. Doing anything to get hold of credit to fund the madness.
By late September 2023 I was done in. I could not stop gambling and realised that I would never be able to control this demon. So I did something very stupid that could have ended everything before coming to my senses and breaking down in a heap on the floor.
4 days later I told my wife everything. She was shocked but had never seen me so utterly devastated and unable to even stand up so just wanted me to feel okay and safe. I had hidden everything from her until then. She was absolute logic and reason. To her no-one had died, it was just money and it could be worse.
For years I had thought I would rather die than anyone know about my gambling. This is the cruel thing a gambling problem does... It makes you lie to yourself and those around you. It is trying to hide in the dark where it knows it can fester and take control. I wish I had asked for help earlier, but the gambling made me feel I would be rejected and hated if I did. In reality people around me where waiting to help, I just never knew it.
However even after I was open about it I tried to gamble. I just found myself doing it as though some other force was taking over.
Since Oct 2023 I am ashamed to say I still gambled.
This March 2024 one credit card agreed to refund a large amount due to their irresponsible lending. I felt elated then low and empty. I didn't want the money, it made me nervous and anxious. I don't deserve it, I don't want it, it will make me gamble and I really don't want that because gambling hurts so much. I spoke with my wife and the next day called an NHS gambling helpline.
I have been given a course of CBT of which I am now 5 sessions into a 12 session workshop. So far I have put into place all recommendations and have not gambled for 16 days. Though I have tried to remove Gamban from my phone (not successfully thankfully).
I am not the finished article but am starting to think I will get there.
If anyone has actually read this. Thank you for letting me vent! Also please, if there is one takeaway from my experience ASK FOR HELP! Your worst fears will not come true. Don't underestimate the people around you.
Thanks for your sincerity and openness it is very upfront and really brings home the power of total addiction Thank you 👑
Thank you for being so honest, so much of that rings true for myself, I hate myself for gambling and not telling my husband until it’s too late, I am also trying to see if I can get some of the debt cleared off my credit cards through the irresponsible lending, I have given all my finances to my husband as he doesn’t trust me and I don’t blame him neither do I, one day at a time is what I keep saying to myself
An amazing in depth post. Thank you for sharing, I hope I can take inspiration from you & this post. I have been gambling heavily for 8 years and in huge amounts of debts.
Well done on writing such and open and honest post. I hope Gambian will be of great use for starters but even more importantly, I hope you find help and strength from your CBT sessions/support from your Gamcare family on here. 🙏.
Stay strong and be kind to yourself.
Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.
Thankyou all for reading my late night ramblings. It's good to know others understand.
Thank you for being so honest, so much of that rings true for myself, I hate myself for gambling and not telling my husband until it’s too late, I am also trying to see if I can get some of the debt cleared off my credit cards through the irresponsible lending, I have given all my finances to my husband as he doesn’t trust me and I don’t blame him neither do I, one day at a time is what I keep saying to myself
I understand where you were coming from. It's the fear of hearing yourself say the words to someone, seeing their disappointment and it all becoming real.
I have one debit card I use with the security numbers on the back scratched off. It means I can't deposit to any online casino but still can pay for everyday things when out and about. The other cards are locked in a key safe that only my wife knows the combination for. It is a big relief. I just have zero trust in myself right now regarding money and gambling.
I told my credit card company that I was a problem gambler and had used the card at overseas sites so the transactions could not be blocked due to them not using gambling merchant codes. I asked that my gambling issue be added to my file. They still were happy for me to have a £11,000 limit. Months later I called them again and asked them to freeze the card due to my issues, they didn't.
I have complained to them and they gave an unpleasant response rejecting my complaint and showing absolutely no knowledge that a vulnerable person with mental health issues and a gambling addiction had asked them for help.
The sad thing was that I wasn't expecting money back from them. I just wanted them to learn how not to make the same mistake with the next person.
The CBT is going really well. It has given me a bigger insight into why I have been behaving they way that I did. Also the importance of rewarding myself for not gambling.
Thanks again for reading.
@thebean well done on this extremely honest post. I hope you can feel just a little bit better for getting it all out.
A lot of it I can relate to. Although my gambling only went on 4-5 years, it was still bad.
I really wished I had asked for help sooner, but I couldn’t get the words out. It’s such an awful trapped feeling.
Last July I hit rock bottom and same as you, fell to the ground. I had to tell my husband I had racked up a huge amount of debt (tens of thousands!) and in his name!
Realising that a gambling addiction is an illness and that you didn’t wake up one morning deciding to ruin your life, is the first and biggest step forward. Being kind to yourself and forgiving yourself is another.
Some people will judge because it’s so destructive as it involves money, but they won’t and don’t try to understand. I know it is hard because until you go through it, you’ll never really understand. I wouldn’t wish the feelings on my worse enemy.
I am currently 292 days GF and I’m feeling stronger each and every day! I’ve recently completed the Gordon Moody Retreat and Counselling course and it was the best thing I could have done! I learned so much about myself!
Massive good luck on your journey. Just take one day at a time! You’ve got this and you can beat those evils demons.
Claire x
@cpparch Thanks. I do feel better for writing it, I just wish I had edited it for spelling and grammar!
292 days GF is fantastic. Well done. It gives me hope.
For years I thought that I was selfish and weak, broken and abnormal because of the gambling. Then after a conversation it was pointed out that I never used the money to actually benefit myself. It was not like I used the money on a Rolex, sharp suit or fast car, I actually never spent money on myself. I was using the money to gain access to a behaviour that was hurting me deeply.
I was not being selfish and have an illness that needed treatment.
I am interested in Gordon Moody and further Counselling after my CBT as I am already nervous about when my CBT sessions end even though I am not even halfway through.
My next session is tomorrow. The theme is 'coping with cravings' and much needed as I really am having cravings right now as I write. But I will read some forum posts instead of gambling and reflect on what I know is actually happening in my brain right now... It is searching for dopamine and making me pay the price for withholding it. I would get a high if I gambled right now but I would probably lose. If I won, I would gamble it away. Also I would have to tell the CBT group that I am back to day one and reset my counter. Also I would probably lie about it to my wife which I do not want to do. And find the money to replace it.
So I won't gamble today.
@thebean I was exactly the same! I wouldn’t even spend an extra £1 on some different shampoo! But I was also hard on my husband because I stopped him spending too, said we had to be careful every month, because it was my gambling money!! He never wanted mobile access to joint bank account or asked to look at account, so it was made easy for me unfortunately!
It’s just about understanding that you can never beat the system, and eventually you could bet the value of a house, win double, but you’ll still always want more!
I’ve found by staying connected to people in the same position - group chats, checking out the forum on here, messaging people I’ve met through the courses I’ve done etc, is a massive benefit. Because they all understand and get it! So if you have an urge, talk to someone about it, don’t hold it in.
Being honest about everything, is the way forward. Even if you write down exactly how you feel, just to get it out, that helps too! If you start hiding things, keeping something from your wife, then it could be the start of something and somewhere you don’t want to go. I lied all day and everyday, I even started to believe the lies myself. It was mentally and physically exhausting, and I’m so glad I don’t have to do that now!
Claire x
It was hard (or should I say easy?!?) for me as well, my wife was very happy for me to run our day-to-day bank account where my income was paid and our main expenditures went from. She has always had her own bank account with her own money. It would have worked fine but given my gambling issues I just had free reign on using the account without her knowing. I have gone through some of the statements. It is a hard read.
On one month alone I deposited over £20,000 to online sites, just managing to withdraw £18,000 but ended up blowing the overdraft and taking a payday loan to pay the rent. Sheer madness! There was never any amount I would be happy winning and would always be a little bit relieved when I had blown it and there was nothing left as it would mean I could finally stop and sleep.
It was exhausting. Not just the sleeplessness as I was gambling when I should have been sleeping, but the anxiety and constantly checking back accounts and transactions.
I have now gone 21 days and 4 hours Gambling free. Over the past few days I have not had any urges to gamble. The Gamban App has really helped. It has been much improved over the past 12 months and I found it impossible to remove it instantly. Just knowing that it is there stopping me and that I no longer have access to money has been so good.
It was a nice day at work today. Really good atmosphere with my colleagues and nice feedback from some patients we were taking care of.
After work my wife, eldest son and myself went straight to see my youngest play in his Primary School Rugby then we ate out. My Bank account is now empty as it is going to take time to recover after last month's gambling, but I really don't care. I have always been at this point in the month and usually much worse. At least now I don't have to pretend.
I'll work overtime next week and can get a small wage advance from my job that will keep us going until I get paid on the 24th. That will be the next test... Payday.
@thebean you’ve done amazingly and should be so proud! Well done.
Keep going - don’t let the demons win!!!
We’re all worth so much more x
24 days and 4 hours with no gambling! My current record is 30 days.
Right now as I sit and write I have no urges.... So why did I try and remove the gambling blocking software from my phone last night? I failed thankfully.
It is like there is another force in me sometimes? The counselor who is delivering my CBT explained it to me like this:
When we are children 50% of our energy goes to our brain. Everything is new and we are making connections that require energy. As adults only 20% of energy goes to our brain, why? Because we have already learned patterns of behaviour that we go on to repeat, the connections are made and ready to go.
I have learned how to get pleasure from dopamine by repeating a behaviour (Gambling)... The primitive part of my brain seeks gambling on autopilot wanting a quick fix and when I do gamble it floods my brain with reward. The down side is the reality that I lose money I need to pay for food, guilt the trauma the depression and the emptiness. But my brain still wants to access the dopamine.
I need to build the new connections and behaviours that will go on to dominate the gambling habit.
This is starting to feel like a lonely journey. I'm not sure why I wrote that? I just wish gambling did not exist.
Today, I will not gamble.
Day 29 GF and the past week has been the most easy to get through.
Reading posts on here and the CBT has definitely helped.
Previously I have only managed 30 days GF and that it was much harder experience before. After tomorrow I will be in uncharted territory having never really had so long GF. Long may it continue!
I have my entire wage sitting in my bank account after being paid on the 24th, early because of the bank holiday this weekend. I actually feel quite chilled about it, before though, knowing it was there would be a torture.
Hopefully these are all signs that my mind has shifted re gambling. Still, I can't become complacent. 20 years of gambling hell as taught me the hard way.
Solid effort mate. Your story is very similar to mine, and to many others on here I'm sure. We can only aim to manage 1 day at a time but they quickly add up. Your mentality seems to have shifted like mine too. I never want to gamble again. My brain has switched from it being the only thing I could think about, to wanting to spend time doing normal things. Things I'd missed out on for so long. I now look forward to reading a book, or watching tv. Even playing a game on the Xbox which is not like me. And this is not to distract me from gambling. I genuinely want to do this now. Hopefully we have both had that lightbulb moment where our brains realise we can never win and we could have a much better life if we actually lived it!
Stay strong mate 💪
1 month and 5 days gamble free now and the days are stacking up.
Financially I am up to my eyes in debt and have nothing the bank but I never did anyway due to gambling so no change there.
I had a good weekend with a few pints with my bro and did an escape room with family and friends on the Sunday.
I made sure I went to the gym, completed the CBT workshop re gambling harms and tried to implement all the measures to stop me gambling. It seems to have worked so far.
I had to do a presentation at work which I was dreading as I hate public speaking but it went well. I didn't need to gamble to cope with the stress.
Still feeling vulnerable though. I don't want to gamble and I don't want to want to gamble but I know there is still the potential.
My wife has been great but seems to be in denial about what I have done and the debt and self harm. She is quite happy to continue as though nothing happened. I wish she would just acknowledge it, even if it was anger... I only just pulled it together enough to survive this. But I realise I can't ask for anything... I did the gambling, it was me.
All in I am going well. This is the longest in my life as a proper adult that I haven't gambled. I just wonder where it's going and if I can do this long term.
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