Here goes again... The final assault!

@thebean Hi bean.  Just read through your posts again and wanted to say so well done on working through your days, doing the best you can, receiving the support and guidance from here, attending your CBT sessions and still remaining g.f. 👏👏👏👏👏.

Your bank balance will, in time, get better.  I have learnt that “patience is a virtue” and if we keep this at the forefront of our minds, it helps to keep our brain and our thoughts so much calmer. 👍.

It was really nice to read that you went out with your brother and had a good time away from gambling, and it shows how much more you will be able to do stuff like this whilst remaining abstinent. 🙏.

I hope this weekend is kind to you and more so, you are kind to yourself!

Take care and keep clocking the g.f days up.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z  Thanks PinkLady!

The Bank balance will recover, you are right, but it will take time.  I think the gambler in me wants the instant hit of it being sorted but it will take months even years.

I am trying to rediscover enjoyment in life after being so dulled by the gambling for so long.  I am finding the not gambling easy at the moment, but still don't feel as though I have found myself if that makes any sense?  Lol, probably not.

Thanks for the post and checking in.

40 days now GF!

Definitely feeling calmer happier and generally more at peace.

I am sleeping better as well.  Maybe because I am hitting the gym more but mainly as I'm not up gambling and then losing sleep due to anxiety.

Still I am not complacent.  Though I have not had any major urges I know it could all fall apart and I could find myself gambling again.  This has happened before.  Though this is the longest GF I have gone.

I still have money issues and will have for a long time to come.

A weekend away coming up and then a big week working away in Scotland.  I just really hope this is it and the madness is over.

@thebean 40 days done. Congrats. Well done on getting this far and setting a new record! Long may it continue and this be the final journey. I see you on here most days and that shows your commitment to beating this, so I'm sure you will continue with this. Yes, there will be tough days, but from your first post to where you are now is a massive difference. Clearly the abstinence is making you a stronger, better person. Keep fighting the fight and before you know it you will be debt free and living the life you want, free from stress and happy. Makes me happy seeing others tackling this with such strength.

Ridiculous to think that all we have to do is not give our money away. What could be simpler?! Keep the positive mindset and remind yourself of how stupid it is to even consider wanting to give your hard earned money away for nothing in return. If you walked into a shop and handed over £100 and left with nothing you'd be mad, but we used to do this all the time......for fun. God we were mad 🤣 

Stay strong 💪

@p6z38njbqm cheers matey.  I am checking in most days. 

When I abstained from gambling before for 30 days i was checking in on the forum daily.  I don't know if this is cause or effect... So did I want to stop gambling so I check in on the forum or I check in so I stop gambling...  Or maybe I shouldn't overthink 😂 

I find reading your story very encouraging.  The fortitude and acceptance you have with the entire situation in particular.  I genuinely think you have your best years ahead as do I.

But it is so good to keep vigilant and not complacent.  I don't have any urge to gamble right now but I know fully well that I could.

The gambling was madness.  I would go to the supermarket to get reduced items and save 50p from a loaf of bread then go home and blow £1500 on a casino.

Right now I am enjoying the benefits of not gambling.  But also having to face the reality of life without gambling and the solace it provided is hard.  It is a much happier place but not without it's challenges

Hello Thebean,

Your thread was the first one I read on this forum, and I want to express my appreciation to you. I personally thank you for sharing your story because it helped me to see how my gambling could take a direction I didn't want.

Sharing the truth with your wife and visiting a therapist are great steps. You're a great man, and I wish you to continue success in your recovery from gambling and in your life.

I hope your GF streak will always be 18 days more than mine!

@h2gk3a76m1  Thank you for your words Goodfella.  They mean a great deal to me.

Reading other people's stories has been a great instrument for me to tackle my gambling.  There is something very powerful about realising that there are others out there going through the same nuanced pain and experiences as yourself and beating it.

It also allows me to see what happens if I don't gain control over the gambling and were to continue to allow it to dominate me.  

There are some very sad stories here.  For me the saddest are the ones who just stop telling their story.  Hopefully, they managed to beat it but I think many give it their best shot and then slip back into gambling and lose the positive energy to return to heal again.

Understanding the biological reasons on the neurological level as to why I could not stop has been very important to me as well.  It allowed me to gradually strip the power away from the gambling.  However I am by no means the finished article.

You are clearly a highly intelligent and intuitive person.  Well done on your self awareness.  I maybe 18 days GF ahead of you but it took many years to get here, I think you have come to some insights in life at a much earlier age than I have.

49 days now GF and going strong.

It has been a crazy 7 days.

While we were celebrating our wedding anniversary weekend away we got news that my mother-in-law was at the end of life. My wife took a flight out to be with her the next day but unfortunately did not make it on time as she had already passed away.

Things moved fast and there was no way myself and kids could get out in time for the funeral.  I had a work presentation that had been planned for 6 months in advance in Edinburgh that I could not get out of so had to leave the kids with family back in England.  With us all connecting via Zoom for the funeral.

All went to plan.  The funeral was a real celebration with over 100 attending on zoom alone.  My boys did great and behaved really well for their grandparents I got through the presentation and had some great experiences.

I was out for drinks in Edinburgh with some from the team.  I had probably had one (several) more than I should have done and I ordered a bottle of wine for £48, way more than I would ever usually spend.  I instantly regretted it as it would have cost £6 in any supermarket.

Walking back to the hotel an idea popped into my mind.  Deposit £100 to an online casino and make back the £48 that I spent on the wine.  I was angry with myself for having the idea.  Even in my tipsy state I did what I had learned in the CBT sessions.  1)  Don't try to not think about the thought, just allow it to pass through and focus on something else 2)  Challenge the illusion....   

Will I win?  Probably no. 

Will I lose?  Probably, the odds are against me. 

If I do win, will I stop gambling and withdraw the full £148?  No, I will just gamble more.

What else will I lose by gambling?  I will lose the days GF and be reset to 0.  I will probably be so let down in myself that I won't tell my wife so I will be dishonest.  If I lose the deposit I will probably just think **** it! and deposit more and lose that until there is nothing left.

The next day I had the same intrusive thought about this stupid bottle of wine and getting the money back through gambling.  I was not going to actually do it but I kept daydreaming about it.

All in I am feeling really good.  My quality of life is so much better since being GF.  But I was really thrown by my mind telling me to gamble that night.  Particularly given what my wife was going through in another country when she has been so supportive of my recovery.

For now, bring on day 50 GF!

@thebean Well done. 👏👏👏👏👏. You must be feeling so relieved that you are now not regretting all those things you listed above! That’s what I say - we can all have as many thoughts as we like about gambling/past gambling. The important thing (as was in your case), is that we don’t act on them!

Hold your head up high, as you March in to day 50!👏👏👏👏.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z thanks Pinklady.

The CBT covered dealing with gambling thoughts when they creep in and how to deal with them...  And it worked.  I hope all is good with you?

56 days GF now.  And I'm not over my bank overdraft and having to get wage advances to cover my debt/bills this month.  Just another 8 days till payday and maybe I can actually clear one of the 2 overdrafts I have?!?

I don't have to constantly check my bank app (well I can't anyway as I removed it) as I know there is money in my account.

Just the relief that when I buy something I know the payment will go through is amazing.  I can't forget this.  It would be so easy to pass the page and forget how bad it was, the anxiety of not knowing how I was going to get through the month.

CBT sessions have finished now.  I'm a bit gutted as they were the rock in my non gambling week.  I actually feel strong but wish the sessions could have continued a little longer.

I have volunteered to help with CBT sessions in the future.  Just using myself as an case study example and saying how it helped me.  Who knows.  It would be good to give something back and selfishly it would help me stay on the path.

Right now life is good.  The usual stresses and pressures that we all have in life but at least being a broke gambling addict full of self hate isn't one of them! 

Best wishes to anyone reading this and trying to stay/become gamble free

@thebean A lovely read Bean 👌. You, like me, are now starting to see some of the benefits early on after abstaining from gambling. I agree, it feels so good and so normal to be able to buy the simplest of things, knowing that all our hard earned money has not been swallowed up by gambling transactions! So motivating too, to see/know you still have money in your bank account - it may not be much for now but I just keep telling myself that continuing to not gamble, can only improve this 👍.

Take care and keep up the great work you are doing by not returning to gambling. This only seems to bring everyone on here devastation and heartache 👎👎.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Welldone mate this is great achievement am back to reading people diary to keep me motivated after my last encounter am still gamble free it day 346 coming on to a year keep pushing forward mate i honestly believe by coming on here on a daily basis is what kept me away my issue is has i managed to remain gamble the days will rack up keeping a diary is what helped me as i dont want to experience those horrible feelings i encountered which gambling makes u forget the funny thing with gambling the brain forget the thousands i have lost but remember the few small winnings by looking at my losses over the years i still dont understand why i even bother going back it true what they say its not about the money

@j5a6meyr4z thanks Pinklady.  The crazy behaviours we get while gambling hey?!?  I have started spending a bit of money on myself now instead of punishing myself by giving myself nothing.

I have had the same bath towel for 15 years lol... I looked at it drying on the clothes line today and just thought ****! 😂 It is falling to pieces and I haven't brought myself a new one in all these years because I couldn't justify the cost, but would blow £1500 in a night on my phone watching the pixels hopping that a random number generator would give me back a small part of my losses 😂 😆 ?!?  Madness

@tazman good point mate.  I don't remember the multiple losses over the years, I just daydream of the time I hit a good bonus.

The CBT covered this well in one session...  All about correcting the illogical thinking about gambling.  We remember the wins not the losses, we think we are due a win when we are not.

Thanks for all of your input and both of your activity on the forum.  It is people like you who keep this resource going and it is priceless.

Day 57 and no gambling urges which is amazing.  After 2 decades of gambling I can't believe how far I have come.

Having said this, though I haven't had gambling urges I feel on edge.  Noises are making me jump and really irritated.

We went for a walk earlier and it was gorgeous in the sun.  The way the light played off the trees and the stillness of the everything was so chilled.  I just sat in the sun and enjoyed.  

This has happened a few times recently and I think they are moments I missed before.  My mind so saturated by gambling.

Though now I am irritated.  No major issue but I feel like totally being on my own.  While I don't feel the urge to gamble I think it was at these points in the past that I would try desperately to get online casinos.  

When I logged on and played everything else would melt out into nothingness.  While I don't miss the gambling I think my brain misses the space it created.  

I would love to get out of the house and walk right now but kids watching TV and wife would worry about me being out late.

I am talking rubbish lol.  All is good.  57 days GF is amazing.  Nearly 60!  I never thought this possible.

65 days now GF and I sailed passed the 60day mark without even thinking about it.

Having said that, a few days ago I found myself trying to remove one of my gambling blocks.  I wasn't even thinking about why I was doing it.  I stopped but as I look back on it now I see what was going on...

I was stressed with work, family and had a drink or 6.  This is the classic time that I gambled in the past.  My mind was on autopilot, it felt stress and went back to the learned  behaviour.  I have analysed it and I see why I tried.  It is also a wake up call for me not to be complacent.

June was always going to be a busy month as I had two work trips away.  Then anxiety and worry/guilt about how the kids n wife were doing at home without me was made much worse when I got the news that my mother in law had died.

All of the above has kept me distracted from gambling as I have been focusing on more important issues but it is still there, a slowly glowing ember ready to reignite.

For now though I am happy.  I paid all my monthly debt committments on the 27th and had enough cash to go out for a family meal and buy the neverending coffees and treats over the weekend.  Money is still tight though.

One odd thing I recognised about myself...  I hate spending money on myself and having my picture taken.  I can't look at myself in pictures, I just hate it.  This past few weeks I found myself taking pics of myself with the family and not avoiding them.

I look different in them.  Even my wife said so.   She said I look good and she can tell when I am relaxed and happy in them. She is right.  I actually do look okay.  Just normal and relaxed even if I need to shift a few KG.

I seriously wonder if this is a result of my not gambling.  In other pics when I was gambling I look stressed and tense.  Everyone else is happy and looks good but I stand out as unposed or angry and distant.

Maybe it's just me reading into it but I don't think so.  I think I look better in the pics because I am actually relaxed.  I also think I don't hate myself as much so can bear to look at myself.

What the hell, it's my diary.  I'll rant about lol

For all of those potentially reading this, including myself at a later date.  Don't gamble, it hurts you and you don't deserve to hurt.  Life can be much happier.

One day at a time.  Each day is sufficient for its own worry.  So just for today, I will not gamble