Here goes again... The final assault!

@thebean Well done bean on your continued g.f journey and dealing with and managing those urges in a positive manner 👏👏👏👏.

Take care and keep fighting the fight👊💪.

Pink Lady🩷🍎.

Lovely stuff mate. Always good to read of someone enjoying the new life that comes with quitting. I've never considered how gambling can impact peoples look, but i suppose the lack of sleep and constant stress will definitely have a detrimental effect on how we appear. Great to hear you are looking happy. You certainly sound happy. And congrats on 65 days. 2 months smashed.

P.S. I love a diary rant. Keep it up!

Stay strong 👍 

@j5a6meyr4z. Thanks Pink and @p6z38njbqm 🐠🐟 

I have been checking in but not adding to my recovery diary as regularly.

DAY 80..…. I can't quite address how big this is.  Me who gambled for two decades!

I genuinely don't want to gamble.

I don't think about gambling.

How did I get here and what shifted in my head?

I kind of know.  Being honest with my wife, handing over finances and getting CBT so I could really understand why I was hurting myself in gambling but couldn't stop 

I want to hold on to how bad I it was,  the anxiety, sleeplessness and self hate.  But it is all too easy to take it for granted.  I really don't want to lose focus with how much I have gained by not gambling.

In other news, one issue I have realised is that though I am not gambling I am drinking.

The two have always gone hand-in-hand.  I gamble because I had a drink, I feel bad that I gambled so I drink and gamble some more.  Now though, gambling is out of the equation.  But I am still drinking.

Minimum of one bottle of wine per night maximum of two.  If I have two bottles I'm feeling S&£t the next morning and surviving on toast, water and paracetamol.

It feels as though I always need to get into another state with gambling/alcohol.  It's not doing me any favours.

I am so proud of myself for going 80 days without gambling.  And if you are reading this, I am proud of you as well.  For being here and seeking support.  However I know deep down that I have removed one addiction but there is one more remaining.  I think it was there before the gambling, or maybe it emerged at the same time.

But for now I will own this 80 days ain't too shabby.

Thanks for reading.

Proud you should be mate. 80 days is a great achievement. Well done.

I totally get the drinking part of your story. I used to drink when i gambled. Its just what i did. I still have a drink but nowhere near as much as before. I made sure i distanced myself in the early days. Drink made me gamble harder. Take more risks. I wanted to ease myself back into drinking slowly to ensure i didn't slip. Its funny how addicts tend to replace one addiction with another though. I can completely understand why you drink now. Its hard to replace one part of you life by removing it entirely, and that's what you did when you quit gambling. the drinking went hand in hand and you're overcompensating now to fill the gap.

Now comes the hard part. As with gambling, you realise this could be a problem. You kicked gambling, now you can tame this too. Force yourself to have at least one night a week where you don't drink. Don't have any alcohol in the house that night so your not tempted. Get out for a walk (not to the pub!), entertain your mind. Same process as gambling. 1 day at a time. If you can do one, you can do another. If you cant go without totally initially, at least cut it down to 1 glass or something. You might feel surprised at how nice it feels to wake up without a groggy head next day!

I hope you can get a grip on this mate. You are a strong person, who is relying on alcohol as a support structure. You don't need this though. You can be gamble free, and you can be a sensible drinker. you've shown this by smashing those 80 days so far.

Good luck mate and stay strong.

@p6z38njbqm. Thanks fish.  Your story has really helped me get to where I am now.  I genuinely mean that. 

There is something really honest about someone saying 'this is where I am at, this is what is going on' that gives others a chance to identify with your experience.

I am amazed that I have separated the drink and gambling.  I genuinely don't have any urge to gamble (though I am not complacent).  Before I would drink and by default gamble.  Now I just don't. But I instill drink.

You are totally correct in everything you say about the drinking.  However the practice of implementing the solution is hard.

Tonight I was fine.  No gambling thoughts but I still found an excuse to go and get booze from the local shop.

It is wonderful to wake up without a groggy hangover. I need more of those mornings.  I just need to focus the strength I used to stop gambling to stop drinking.

I am still not the finished article, but so much better than before with the gambling.  I can't believe how bad it got but need to keep up with the program and stop/limit the booze.

Tomorrow.  I will not gamble.  Also, I will not drink.  I'll post on here to confirm on both accounts 😐

@thebean Hi Bean.  Well done on all those g.f days you have clocked up so far!👏👏👏👏. You should be proud of yourself. As Fish says, tackle your problems bit by bit, day by day. I used to deliver a drink impaired drivers programme in work and the people on there would write in a weekly diary, ho many drinks they had had and what emotions/thoughts they were experiencing at that time. It really helped them to see any patterns in their drinking, linked to their emotions. Just a thought and something you may like to try. 😊.

Take care and keep going from strength to strength.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thank you both ☺️ 

Day 82 GF and day 1 alcohol free.  Brought my 0% alcohol larger from Aldi today and had one 33cl bottle.  Wasn't bad and meant I still had 'special drink' to make the end of the day.

Better than the usual bottle of wine plus any other beers I could lay my hands on!

Night all

Great job mate. Proud of you and you should be proud too. Tough to give up two vices at once. Bet you felt good waking up this morning with a clear head. I still have the odd night where I have a drink and wake up next day thinking, why?, but i enjoy a drink and think its part of a sensible adult life as long as we can control it. Moderation is the key. Hopefully you can find a way to still enjoy alcohol without it becoming an issue. Total abstinence is not for everyone, and i get the impression you are like me in that you enjoy a drink to unwind, so hopefully you can find that sweet spot between relying on a drink to unwind every night and only having a drink when you truly have had a bad day.

Stay strong 

@thebean Hi bean. My son is coming up to 9 months abstinence from alcohol. He isn’t an alcoholic by any means but more of a binge drinker. He has done so well and is currently enjoying Corona zero, Peroni zero and Guinness zero. The good thing these days, is that they are serving so much of this stuff in the bars and supermarkets and it is becoming quite popular! Not like years ago, where it tasted fowl and there was a bit of a stigma attached to drinking non alcoholic drinks.

Well done on managing another of your vices. A great start!👏👏👏👏.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@p6z38njbqm) You are right Fish.  Two days of waking up with no hangover has been great. 

I never truly learned how to be a responsible drinker.  Both my parents were/are heavy drinkers and it was always a routine for my dad to say 'I'm shutting up shop' (we never had a shop lol, he just meant locking the gate and front door) around 8pm and they would crack open the cider or whiskey.

I was an adult before I realised how intoxicated they would get with my mum slumped in-front of the TV asleep at 1am and me having to go down stairs to turn off the TV and lights.

The I was 18 and it was all about going out for a few pints.  All my mates were drinkers.  Then drinking at home, in moderation at first then more and more regularly.

It went hand in hand with the gambling.  A few drinks and an internet connection with some chillout trance music on and it was a headed for a disaster.  But still when I was last gambling I think I was trying to get back to that state of being tippsy, listening to good tunes and spinning the slots when I was 22.

My wake up call came last year when I had been drinking each night and enduring heavy losses gambling for months.  I burned myself out, life was agony.  One night I drank a bottle of vodka and took pills just in an attempt to knock myself out to stop me from depositing more.  I had a moment of clarity when I thought about what would happen if the kids found me the next day as my wife was away.  I made myself sick to get rid of what I had taken and woke up the next day with a mega hangover and a massive anxiety.  But it was then that I realised that I needed to tell someone about the gambling or I was going to end up dead.

Still I blew more until my wife came back and I broke down and told her everything.  She did not believe me until she saw the empty vodka bottle in the bin and looked at my credit cards.

After this I still gambled like a dog returning to its vomit. 

When I reached out to the NHS and was provided with counselling I was honest about the level of drinking.  They advised that I get help and referred me to a alcohol awareness group but I declined the help.  It was draining enough to target the gambling without simultaneously the drinking as well.

Interestingly the CBT for problem drinkers is much the same format as CBT for problem gamblers.

Now the gambling urge has gone I need to sort out the drinking.  I love to drink and the relaxed feeling it gives but I am 42 now not 22.  My waistline is starting to feel strained and the mornings after and quality of sleep is getting too messed up.

I aim to not drink during the week,  just have one 0% beer around 10pm.  At the weekend a max of 2 bottles of wine.  If I do this for 1 month then reevaluate.

Like you say fish... 'Total abstinence is not for everyone'.

@j5a6meyr4z  Great.  You must be a very proud Mum.

There did used to be a stigma around no alcohol drinks.  Stupid isn't it!?!  I think people thought that you were not man enough if you did not drink or that if you chose 0% alcohol it meant you had a drink problem and could not handle the real stuff.

The quality has improved massively as was, as you say.  I am drinking 0% larger from Aldi, it's about 50p per bottle and pretty decent.  It is certainly a good replacement.

It's amazing how we can hurt ourselves with gambling/drinking and suffer so badly yet still go back to it.

All quiet here now.  We have the dreaded Covid in the house and I'm sleeping downstairs as I am the only one not ill and I want to keep it that way.

No urge of thoughts of gambling.  I have had a glass of wine as it is Friday night.  I will have one more while watching some Crime Doc on the BBC or Nexflix and get some shut eye.  

I am just so glad not to be gambling.  The realisation that I did not gamble last night and I don't want to tonight passed over me in waves.  It is such a relief to go through Hell and come out the otherside.

Thanks all!

Well done mate. We are very similar I feel in that drink will always be a part of our lives. Doesn’t have to be in a negative way.  I can see how it can easily become a problem. In my military career I would quite happily have 10 pints of a night and think nothing of it. If I’m honest with myself this happened many times a week. Very unhealthy, but was the norm. As long as we don’t make things the norm we can enjoy things. Gambling unfortunately makes it the norm after the first bet. Drink takes a bit more to take hold (in my opinion). 

Glad you’re doing well. Your post has inspired me to put on some 90s trance and enjoy a glass or 2 of wine. Off work tomorrow for once so time to relive some old memories and have a relaxed evening. 

Stay strong 💪 

@thebean Well done bean on tackling both your gambling and monitoring/reducing your alcohol intake. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👌💪. Keep going strong.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thank you Pink and Fish.

The alcohol is going to prove harder to regulate I think.  With gambling it's a simple 'no I will not gamble'...  With drinking it's less clear cut.  Maybe I should just go T-total but the thought scares me.

COVID has well and truly hit.  I have tested positive since Saturday and am off work as I work with vulnerable people.  I'll retest tomorrow but it was a mega strong line on the lateral flow test today, it showed it the second the fluid hit it.

A few aches and a bit of a temperature.  Snotty nose and tired but nothing terrible.  More like a mild cold.  I'll call the boss tomorrow and see what she wants to do re work.

Schools have broken up so I have two hormonal boys to keep in check and try to tear away from screens.  Away this weekend and them people staying for two weeks...  Not my idea of relaxing but hey...

I found myself trying to remove gambling blocks last night, I wasn't thinking.  I couldn't praise be! I didn't even want to gamble, I just found myself doing it.

88 days GF now.  Skint but I'm going to treat myself to a new bath towel on day 100 😂 

For now I will dose myself with paracetamol and try and get some sleep.

Night all 

@thebean Hi bean.  Sorry to read you are poorly with COVID 😪. My sister was poorly with it last week too! 🤒🤧😷. Hope you will soon be on the mend as it sounds like you have a busy few weeks ahead 🙏.

So glad you did not succumb to any gambling 👏👏👏. Eighty eight days g.f is fantastic so please keep surging ahead.

Take care and remain strong in your abstinence. 

Pink Lady 💗🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z COVID over and testing negative after one week thanks.  It wasn't a terrible dose, just temp, aches and felt tired.

94 days clean now.  No real gambling thoughts but I am not complacent.  I want to get to 100 days and then reward myself with a new bath towel!

There seems to be a lot of activity on the forums.  New people who have hit rock bottom and reaching out for help.

Some seem to post once when they are at their lowest and then never turn up again. Some seem to hang around for a few days.  I wonder how they are doing now.... I wish everyone the best.  It seems to be those who keep returning and being open who fair the best.

Many new ones posting seem to be family members who want to help a loved one.  In a way I feel sorry for these ones the most.  They have no control over the one who is gambling and take all of the responsibility.

Thanks for reading.  Sleep well