Here goes again... The final assault!

@thebean Hi bean.  I am thinking you have now passed your 100 day g.f milestone? If so, just wanted to say congratulations 👏👏👏👏.

Keep going. Stay positive and committed 💪💪.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z Thank you Pink!

Very kind of you to remember.  Yes it was.  I am now on day 101 GF.

I am honestly not thinking about gambling and I can't put into words how good this feels.

Thanks again for remembering. 😊 

I am glad you enjoyed your break.  You will just have to see the red squirrels next time.

@thebean 😆😆🐿️.

🩷🍎.

Great job mate. 100 days is a great result. Glad you are like me and not even thinking about gambling. Long may this continue.

Keep up the great work mate.

Stay strong 👍 

Weldone mate keep pushing forward u got this, throw in the odd treat this is an achievement this helped me get through the early days am now on day 394 g/f i couldnt have asked for me 

Thank you Pink, Fish and Tazman 😊 

Nearly 110 days GF now.

It has been a very busy few weeks.  I have used my annual leave to only work 3 days per week over the summer and it is great to leave work on the Friday knowing I won't be back until next Wednesday.  I could get used to this.

Gambling wise there has not been time to think about it and I really am not missing it.  We have been busy with kids and days out, in addition had friends staying for a few weeks.  Personally I am all socialised out and need a few days in a dark room talking to no one so I can recover.  The other half is the exact opposite and wants to keep making plans. She thinks I am moody but I am genuinely not, I just want to be quiet no social pressure for a bit.

I am not complaining, it is a nice problem to have.  But on reflection I have used gambling as a retreat from social things in the past. I like being with people but then need to shut off and recover.  Gambling gave me that I think.

One issue I did come across re gambling...  I had to cancel one of my debit cards as someone tried to make a fraudulent transactions with it (The card in question has been locked in a key safe for months), it is a card that I had used to deposit to overseas unlicensed casinos 6m ago, the s**m obviously not only took my money but also sold on my card details. 

The issue is that a brand new card was sent to me through the post.  Instead of just handing the card to my wife I took a photo of the details e.i number and date, security number first.  A deep dark part of me was hoping to use the card for potentially gambling.

I did not even think about it, I just did it.  I deleted the photo later but it will still be in my trash folder waiting to be recovered.  The bank will block any gambling transactions but still, it shows how insidious this gambling issue is.  I took the photo and formed a plan without even thinking.

Still, I am gambling free and clean.  I am enjoying the rewards of this and long may it continue.

Thanks to anyone reading this rant and the best of luck with your journey.

So I failed.  I have gambled over the past 2 days.  *Warning* I would hate what I write to be triggering to someone else so please don't read if you think this could be the case.

I have to be honest with myself so I have reset my GF counter.  Those days meant so much, well over 100 but now I am back to 0.  I also feel a massive hypocrite as I have been posting on others threads for months now about how to stay clean when I have not done so myself.

Where did it go wrong?  I have been going over it in my mind.

When I received a new bank card a small dark bit in my mind gave me permission to use it.  I tried and failed, the block on my Bank stopped me, but by then I was already going down a path and realised that the gambling block on my phone had stopped working...  No idea why.

I managed to transfer money, 3 figure sum, to an unused bank account then use online card details to deposit. I was modest with my bets and won a bit, I told myself I would use the winnings to pay for a family meal out the next day.  Of course this was rubbish.  I hardly slept with my heart beating like a drum in my chest.  The next day while at work I sat in my work car in a MacDonald's car park spinning slots and hating every min.

The usual....  I won, then lost, then won enough for me to falsely justify the entire thing to myself.  Then told myself 'just keep at it until the next bonus round'.  Everything went.  Back to £0 so the usual emails to the casino begging for a bonus.

I tried to deposit more but it got rejected so I spent hours trying to find a casino I could deposit at.  Deposited another 3 figure sum wiping out my overdraft.  Drank too much and woke up the next day not remembering what I had deposited or won/lost and with a killer headache.

There was just enough in the casino bank balance to cover my lost deposits.  The money has been sitting in the casino account for hours...  It is like an unbearable itch I need to scratch.  It is an overseas casino so they know how it works.... UK gambler would never use them unless they have a problem, so make it as difficult as possible to withdraw.

I don't feel upset about it, just numb and a bit sad that I lost the GF days I had clocked up.  I hated the gambling itself, the tension and the numbness.  

I have not told my wife but she said 'you are really tense aren't you' earlier.  And I am.

I took an advance on my wages which covers my losses.  If I get the pending payout I will just break even.  But it is not about the money, it SO is not about the money!  My mind is not at peace, I am acting again, trying to behave like a normal person but I am not.

My youngest kid could have done a sleepover with his friends tonight but he was shattered after a sleepover last night.  He was tired and emotional at not being allowed to  and came crying to me, all I wanted was him to leave the room so I could try and win back more of my losses.  Stupidly thinking that if I won I could buy him the gaming computer he really wanted...  So messed up, he just wanted his dad?!?  

Getting interrupted while gambling is torture.  Any humanity or reason leaves my brain.  I just need to see the next spin or next card hand.

On a positive note I have returned the blocking software to my phone.  I have closed the casino accounts.  I need to analyse what was going on that led me to this big slip up and move on.

I don't know if I will get the withdrawal or not.  However no amount can return the peace I experienced in not gambling

Hey mate. I really feel for you but have massive respect for your honest post. I read my diary often and I will be reading this post many times in future. It shows that even the strongest people can be overcome by this addiction. The slightest chink in the armour can allow the demons in. Don't feel like a hypocrite. This post will help people more than you can imagine. 5 steps forward and 1 step back is still 4 steps forward. You have managed to get over 100 days and prior to this and can easily smash that again. All the advice you have given has served you well. The only issue you had this time was the little side door that allowed you to deposit money. Close that door off now and put an end to it. Try and think of all the ways you could gamble if you could and get them shut down too.

This has clearly hit you hard, which may be a good thing. I would be reading this post daily. A reminder of why you are here. 1 day gambling out of the last 115 or so is a huge achievement and you should be proud of that. The days counter doesn't mean anything though. We both know its only 1 day at a time. So now you are gamble free again. Don't let this get you down mate. Use it as a positive. You slipped, you came back stronger.

Stay Strong 👍 

d**n, mate, that was tough to read. I hope you’ll figure this out and come out stronger for it. At the end of the day, it’s not just about the counter but about your state of mind and your ability to maintain it.

First off, your relapse doesn’t diminish the advice you’ve given to others here, especially to me. The journey you’ve been on has helped you rationally figure out a lot, and sharing that experience is an incredibly selfless thing to do. For example, the support and advice you gave me have been incredibly helpful. So, yes, even though you’ve gained some experience and rational knowledge about recovering from gambling, your brain hasn’t fully transformed yet, as in the system you shared with me. That absolutely doesn't undervalue your advices, I will repeat.

When I read your previous post, where you described how you unintentionally took steps toward gambling, I didn’t pay much attention to it. I just thought it wasn’t a big deal and that you’d handle it easily. Now, from the perspective of my own relapse, I kind of understand (I think I did) what happened. I’m not sure how to express this properly, but I’ll try to share my point of view, and if it doesn’t resonate, that’s okay. I'll just try.

I wrote about this in my thread, though I didn’t go into too much detail to keep the post concise. Initially, I used a bonus from a sportsbook—it wasn’t actually a bet, but I considered it gambling and wrote about it. A day or two later, I hadn’t closed my sportsbook account yet and took some steps toward gambling again, but unlike you, it was pretty intentional. I filled in my card number and all the details you need to make a deposit. I thought that by going through the ritual without completing it, I’d get some relief and wouldn’t gamble. But that was the exact moment I got hooked. I barely stood a chance; my willpower only lasted a few days before I relapsed.

So, do you think you were hooked at the moment you took those steps with the photos and other things? From my experience, it seems very similar.

Before I relapsed, I had such a strong urge to gamble that I couldn’t function normally. It was overwhelming, and when I finally made the deposit, I felt relieved. I had a goal of making 140% of my deposit, and just one bet away from achieving that, I lost the money. Really don't know how I would act if I win, that is the point when your story took different direction from mine. After that, I really felt the relief and the sense that the story had ended. I analyzed what happened and what I could improve in my strategies, which has led to almost two months of being gf, now much more experienced and antifragile.

So, regarding what I mentioned earlier, I do believe you’ll either get your money back as soon as possible or come to terms with the fact that it won’t come back, as soon as possible. That realization should give you some relief and a sense of closure. After that, focus on strengthening your defenses. Maybe even talk to your wife about feeling vulnerable and needing help with certain things.

Sorry for writing so much, I lack brevity. I just want to help in any way I can. After so many steps forward, you’ve taken one step back. Hopefully, it will make you much stronger.

Take care.

@p6z38njbqm  Thank you so much Fish.  I really needed to hear that.

You are totally right about the 'chink in the armour letting the demons in', I think I thought that I could start to drop my guard a bit.  I clearly can't. 

It has hit me hard, but not hard enough if I am honest.  The gambling has always dulled my emotions and I feel that it has done over the way I feel about this slip up as well.

The thing I hate the most is not the loss of the money, it is the headspace I get into.  Also obsessively  checking my bank balance, working out numbers in my head, going over the 'what ifs' ...  What if I had withdrawn at the right moment?  What if I had increased my bet stake when I hit a bonus?

I will come back stronger.  I am already trying the tactic of re-framing that happened.  Yes, it was a horrible mistake but I stopped and put the breaks on before I lost too much.  Also I am going over my mental state and what happened when I did slip up.  It is also good for me to taste the bitterness of gambling to remind me of how hellish life is when I was stuck in a gambling loop.  The sleeplessness and tiredness of dragging myself through the work day.

I will use this experience to fuel my recovery even more.  Thanks for your kind words, they mean more than you may realise 🙂  

@h2gk3a76m1 Thanks Goodfella, I really appreciate your post and read through it a few times before responding.

You are right.  My brain has not formed the new pathways yet.  I just hope I have not set my recovery back significantly.  I suppose gambling is like a muscle, the less you use it the weaker it gets.  If so my gambling muscle was weak due to me not exercising it for months, but I gave it a good workout the past days so it's back.

The thing is that I did not get an urge to gamble, but I still did. The unintentional steps (or very much intentional steps if I am honest) formed like a plan that I did not have to curate, it was already set out.  If I had been having urges, dreams and thoughts of gambling I would be more at peace with my slip up.  However I did not have any urge, but I still did what I did.

In answer to your question about being hooked the moment I took the picture.  Yes, I started a course of actions, or followed a chain of premeditated thoughts that were always going to lead to gambling.  I should have stopped the second the thought came to take the photo. Once I had the photo it was burning a hole in my album just smoldering away there waiting to be used.  Then it was the same calculation as you, I deposited £200 and wanted to make £70 to pay for a meal, of course I was never going to stop at £70.

Once I had gone down that path of taking the photo of the debit card I had given myself permission to gamble, it did not matter what card or how, I was going to do it.  It was just unfortunate that Gamban had stopped functioning on my phone, but I take full responsability. 

It feels like there is a tiny little switch in the back of my brain.  This switch can be turned on at a point before I gamble and it overrides everything else.  It gives me permission to start going down a route that inevitably ends with gambling.

I am probably going to go off topic now but it makes sense to me lol.  I read the bible book of Proverbs a few years ago with commentary.   It told the story about a young man who lacks good sense and is observed passing by a street of ill repute.  He passes by the corner and then is led as though by chains marching to a house of 'women of the night' to his downfall. 

The writer is making the point that the sin committed started by the young man purposefully walking past a street of ill repute at a late hour.  The young man did not plan the endgame but due to his lack of good sense put himself in a situation that other urges would take over.  The man should have just avoided walking in that area at that time.

The story came to my mind today.  I am not seeing 'women of the night' lol but re gambling I should have stopped the moment I saw the debit card.  Once I took the details I was walking down a road that was going to end with me gambling.

Thank you once more for your kind words, though I don't feel worthy of them, they mean alot.

2 days gambling free.

I have no plan about what am I going to write so I apologise for the following bilge.  Turn back now.

Mental health state?  Okay, I am not in pieces over my recent relapse.  I am just processing it...  What went wrong?  What went right?

The casino that holds my money is already trying to play dirty and not pay out.  Apparently my registration details did not include my street name but the bank statement I sent them did.  So they are postponing any withdrawal pending an investigation.  The fact that I sent them my ID, video of me holding my ID, passport, card ect counts for nothing.  It just goes to show the madness of anyone depositing to an overseas site, let alone someone with a gambling addiction.

But it's not about the money.  It is about something much bigger.  If I recover what money I lost or not will make absolutely no difference to my life.  Gaining control of the compulsion will.

I would be lying if I said that more intrusive thoughts had not been an issue over the past 48h.  After all I have lost my GF days now so what is the harm in maxing out a credit card or two?  This would be me pressing the ...'f-IT' button.  I have seen gamblers do this and it is dangerous territory.  It means to gamble without any fear of loss as you have already lost by breaking the non gambling streak.  I have stopped, I wont gamble.  The withdrawal is sitting there. I wont reverse and gamble it, the damage is already done so why add to it.

I have been tense over the weekend and today.  I can't help it.  The kids were away last night and it should have been a take away and film with the other half, I went to the gym and over did it and spent 30min throwing up when I was back home.

I have been going over what happened.  I noted the following.

1) I had a new card sent by the bank.  I knew I could use it to deposit at a casino I know I can get a generous bonus.  I took a photo of the card.  I should not have done this.  It triggered a chain of events.

2)  The debt that I have accumulated gambling is not going down as fast as I planned.  Each month I pay off the debts and essential payments but am left with virtually nothing after.  I wanted quick cash and a dumb part of my brain reasoned that the poison could be the cure.  Gamble and get money.... or not.

3)  I have neglected myself.  Sounds indulgent I know.  Let me explain...  An important part of retraining the brain from gambling is rewarding non gambling behaviour.  I have not been doing this.

I start work at 6.30am dealing with end of life patients and their families.  I get home and straight away I am dealing with other half's mental health and her need to vent.  Then straight to sorting kids and trying to make things calm.  Until 9pm/10pm is busy then decompress with alcohol.

I was told to make time for myself as part of my recovery.  A big part of this was going to the gym by myself.  It was an agreement with my wife that this was my time.  That has dissolved over time.  In addition we have had visitors for 3 weeks and are either entertaining or being entertained for the past month.

All I wanted was quiet time to recover and be still and quiet.

All of the above was the perfect storm for me to slip.

It has been a hard smack in the face but a good wake up call.  STICK WITH PROGRAM.

Recovery can feel like a sunny walk in the park.  It can also feel like desperately clambering from a pit of hell using your fingernails to hold on before sliding backwards.

If I could just thanks @h2gk3a76m1 goodfella for your ellequence and emotional intelligence.  

@p6z38njbqm fish for your constant support and tenacity in gaining control.  Your daily posts have been the one constant in my recovery.

@j5a6meyr4z Pink and @tazman Taz for your constant encouragement and example.

I am lucky.  I have support.  But really is you guys who truly understand the true nature of trying to beat this beast.

Just for today I will not gamble.

@thebean Hi bean. You have come so far, done so well and been so supportive to others in the meantime so now it is time for you to accept all the help and support from your fellow gamcare family. You will get through this and come out even stronger and more determined to continue to abstain going forward.  As Fish said in an earlier post, every day is day 1 and whilst you did fantastic going more than 100 days, just have that thought in your head - "as today comes to a close, I have not gambled and this is a positive in more ways than one"! Keep it simple by just going day at a time and the days will quickly mount up again.

Will be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers 🙏. You have got this!

Pink Lady 💗🍎.

Mate, you’ve given some of the best advice I’ve seen, and by sharing your little set back in such an open and honest way, you’ve helped so many people more than you can imagine.

i feel invincible. I’m 145 days g/f. Your post has told me that I’m not safe in anyway. I always say the tally means nothing, we are all on day 1. You have shown that to be so true. I would be gutted if my day went to zero, but I’d also be so proud to say 1 day out of 144. Any day not gambling is a win. 

Nobody quits an addiction without a slip. It’s how you grow from that slip that defines you. You’ve been with me from day 1 and you’re still with me now. That’s all that counts.

Stay strong 💪 

@j5a6meyr4z)  Thank you Pink 🙂 🙂   I am feeling stronger.

@p6z38njbqm Cheers Fish.  It's great to hear just how invincible you are feeling!  Seeing how far you have come in 145 days is incredible.  I just wish I had applied some more of the advice I was so keen to give out.

Day 3 and I have not gambled.  The dust in my mind after the recent set back has settled.  I can see clearly where I went wrong and the BIG mistake that I made in not challenging my thoughts over gambling before depositing...  'I can control it' 'I am doing it to get money for my family' 'Ill cash out when I have won my target amount' etc.

I am much more together.  Reading the kind posts on this forum has helped massively.  It helped me centre myself and brought me back to reality.

Gamban now firmly back on my phone.  I checked the casino I deposited with to check the withdrawal (that I will probably never get) and still not processed.  s**m dodgy site, but I used them with my own free will.  Even if I get it back it will only just cover the losses which are insignificant compared with what I lost in mental peace and GF days.   I was so tense and irritable earlier today.

However I could have tried to reverse withdraw and then played away but did not.  This is massive progress for me.  This time last year I would have just gambled and gambled until it was gone.  

I have made massive progress.  Now I just need to shore up the defenses. 

The one thing I am disappointed in myself in is that I have not told my wife.  I should.  I owe her honesty.

Then I think what good will come from it?  She has been a rock but does not understand this issue and why should she.  To her it is black and white.  She thinks that if I gamble I let the family down and have failed, if I don't gamble then I am 100% okay and there is nothing to worry about.  In reality neither of these options are true.

There has been another credit card sent in the post after some fraudulent attempts when made on it meaning the card was cancelled then replaced.  The letter containing the card is unopened and has remained that way since it arrived 3 days ago.  I noticed my wife took it to work with her this morning, still unopened.  I had asked her to destroy it so I can't use the card details.  She obviously did not want to leave it with me but she had not got around to disposing of it.

It has a limit of £4500 but I can honestly say I am not tempted to open the letter and use it.  Tomorrow I will remind her to destroy it, it does not matter how resolute I feel, I just don't trust myself.