Here goes again... The final assault!

Day 6 GF.

I have been very busy with work, which has been really nice.  It's a great team and I felt that I really played my part and got good feedback.

I haven't had time to think about gambling.

I was strong.  I didn't reverse withdraw the withdrawal.  From a financial perspective I am back to where I was as the casino paid out after much wrangling.  But it was horrible...  I had to send pics, statements and card details which I have now had to cancel as it's probably on the dark web now....  The constant checking my bank and emails has been mind consuming.

That has been my life for years now.  Stress, guilt, sleeplessness and obsessive checking accounts for deposits withdrawals ect.  It all stoped when I stopped gambling.  The past week has been a traumatic trip down memory lane.

I don't want to go back there.

My one main concern is that I can't get Gamban to work on my phone anymore.  It was my safety net and now it is gone.  I don't get why.  I keep trying to reinstall it but then it disappears.

For now I am so shattered I'll just sleep.  I have nothing left.

All the best wishes in the world to anyone reading this trying to beat this.  It can be done 👍🏼 

@thebean Hi bean. It may be worth contacting the Gamcare team to ask if they know the reason why you can no longer get Gamban on your phone? I am sure you will be feeling both mentally and physically tired after going through your last lapse. It is important to remember that this is indeed a lapse and not a relapse so well done to you for reflecting and being able to get right back on track.

I hope you are able to use the bank holiday to rest your mind, body and soul and you are able to feel more refreshed going into next week 🙏. I myself, am also feeling exhausted due to one thing and another 😴.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z thanks pink.  I will contact Gamban directly tomorrow as to why it just is not working for me.  They were very good previously when I had app issues.

I hope the Bank Holiday can be time for us both to recharge our batteries then.  I hope all is okay with you? 

@thebean Yes hopefully the team can help you with those issues 🤞🙏. I am having a real tooth problem at the min and have been in lots of pain as I am now dealing with a second infection! 😖.  It has all been quite exhausting over the last few weeks as it has kept me awake. 👎. Still no gambling though - couldn’t think of anything worse AND with toothache!

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@thebean Yes hopefully the team can help you with those issues 🤞🙏. I am having a real tooth problem at the min and have been in lots of pain as I am now dealing with a second infection! 😖.  It has all been quite exhausting over the last few weeks as it has kept me awake. 👎. Still no gambling though - couldn’t think of anything worse AND with toothache!

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi bean.  Just checking in with you and hoping everything is as good as can be in your world?

Would be nice to see you back posting again soon.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi bean.  Just checking in with you and hoping everything is as good as can be in your world?

Would be nice to see you back posting again soon.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Bean, Just checking in to see how you are doing. You haven't posted on this forum in a while. 

Stay strong champ, You are a big help to me and others. 

Hi Chaps @ialfk5mq8p @j5a6meyr4z .  Pink and gravity thanks for checking in.

It has been mixed....   First up, I gambled again on 26th Aug.  But I am not going to beat myself up about it.

It was the usual.  Deposit a bit, lose and then deposit more.  Unfortunately my wages were paid in the early hours of 27th as I was gambling so I lost even more with just enough to cover basic bills.

The reason I failed was connected to when I previously gambled the week before.  When I got the payout from the casino I mentally justified it to myself.

The day of the 27th was sheer hell.  The anxiety and self hate was present just like it was before.

Later that day I wrote off my car.  First accident in 20 years on the road.  No one was hurt it was more of a scrape at about 5mph but enough to write my car off.  I can't help but wonder if it was by lack of sleep and anxiety that contributed to it.

So no money and a written off car (banger soon due for MOT) that isn't worth an insurance claim, the other vehicle was somehow undamaged.  

Then my dear old dad found out about my car he randomly deposited £2000 into my account.  So between that and a credit card I have another car and just enough to get through the month.

The wife hounded me into spending a bit of cash on a new three piece tweed suit for a family wedding last week and felt and looked great.  I haven't felt so good in years.  Great to catch up with people I haven't seen in years.

Two days later I hit a low.  I didn't gamble but kept looking through photos from the wedding trying to find flaws in myself and going over what I said to guests and second guessing myself.

I'm actually a confident guy but got so in my head over it.  Wife said that I was the best dressed guy at the wedding and how attractive but all I could see is someone I don't like.

I think the gambling comes from the same place.

I didn't check in here as I felt so saturated with the entire thing that I couldn't bring myself to log on.  But starting to get in a better headspace now.

No thoughts of gambling but as the past month has shown it's never far away.

Back to work tomorrow and kids back at school.  They are doing great.  My youngest has confidently sailed through his 1st day of secondary school.  He has also learned the intro to 'She sells sanctuary' buy the Cult on his electric guitar and eldest has started joining me at the gym.  End of proud dad rant.

A old school friend who lives overseas is flying in soon and we are meeting up.  He has always been someone I can talk about anything with so looking forward to sounding off to each other over a few drinks later this month.

Cheers for reading.  I'm going to get back into posting more soon.  I just really felt the need to step back a bit.

Stay strong 💪🏼 and even if you don't,keep going!

Bean my old buddy. You do half make me emotional! I’m glad you addressed your need to step back a bit. This addiction and fighting it can be full on sometimes. With regards your confidence and doubting yourself. Look at it like this mate. You’ve got a wife, you’ve got friends and family, you get invited to weddings, you’re clearly well liked. Why seek perfection in yourself. No one is perfect. You have a flaw, one that needs addressed, and one that you are working on. Don’t look for more! 

Trying to beat this addiction will make you doubt yourself. This is just your gambling brain trying to get you down so you go back for more dopamine. Have trust that you have a great life, are a great person, and can be even better by ditching this burden. Keep fighting mate. I know you got this.

Stay strong 💪 

@thebean Hi bean. Nice to see you writing down your thoughts and feelings back on here 👍. Sorry to hear you have been gambling again but as you said, do not beat yourself up about it. Maybe ask yourself though “do I want to quit for good”? If so, it maybe that you need to look again at the blocks you have in place and strengthen these if need be? 

I can imagine you having negative thoughts, feeling full of anxiety and not getting much sleep. These are the kind of things that continuing to gamble does to us. Well done though for being open and honest with your gamcare family 👏👏👏💙.

Take the time you need, press that “reset” button once more and be ready to go again with your head held up high!

Wishing you strength and sending you prayers 💪🙏.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Bless ya fish @p6z38njbqm you great big softie 🤗.  I really needed what you wrote, cheers.

I have my mojo back.  Feeling good and had a great day at work.

I am liked and loved and am very blessed to have the people around that I do...

I have had 20 years of compulsive gambling and that is two decades of thinking that I'm a bad person.  I know that I'm not but it's hard to shift that feeling sometimes.

You are so right in what you say.  I needed to read and then re-read it for your words to hit home.

@j5a6meyr4z. Thank you pink.  Your words are insightful and compassionate 😊.  I do what to quit, but something takes over... Like a self destruct in me....  This diary is the edited version I'm ashamed to say.

I have the block back on and at the moment no urges.

Good day at work.  I had to talk to people who had recently been told they had kidney failure and needed dialysis to stay alive.  It put things in perspective.  I really hope I managed to support them a bit.

Really good banter on the team.  I had a good time with the kids when they were back from school, playing practical jokes on each other with a loo roll.

All good here.  I'm still processing my latest relapse but it's not casting shadows on me.

Thanks to all who read or posted.  You don't know how helpful you were.

Nice to see you back, my friend! Honestly, I had a sense that something was brewing, and your relapse story didn't seem to end after your post on August 19th, but I didn't know how I could help. It’s very encouraging to see that you’ve now moved past that setback. You’re in a strong position to heal from gambling to the maximum extent possible. You have extensive experience dealing with this, as well as a great ability to reflect on it, so you can develop an optimal strategy that will work for you.

Stay strong, keep pushing, and appreciate the progress you’re making.

@h2gk3a76m1 thanks Fella 🙂 

I think the latest relapse is behind me now.  My mind hasn't gone anywhere near gambling over the past week.

I seem to be gravitating towards risky behaviour though in other aspects of my life.   Just not quite sure what I'm playing at sometimes.

I decided to finally lose a bit of weight after the latest relapse.  I'm not very overweight but could do with losing about 8kg or so.  I have never had any self control over eating the wrong things before.  If it's there, I'll eat it 😂 if there's a bottle, I'll drink it 😂. 

However something odd shifted in my brain after the latest relapse, I suddenly found it really easy to control my diet.  Is there a connection? Or is it me reading into it?  At first it was easy as I was so anxious after gambling I found it hard to eat, but now it's easy even without the anxiety.

I have been fasting until about 3pm.  Then medium healthy meal, no snacks.  Something light at about 8pm and that's it.

Before it was breakfast, cake in the office, Macdonalds when on the road, big meals when home and raiding the fridge in-between.

The weight has fallen off so far.  No more straining waistbands and being strapped in with a belt 😂 

Just wondering where self control comes from.  Is it a mindset?  All dopamine and neurotransmitters?

I'm rambling again!

I gotta an email from the CBT team inviting me to potentially join future sessions to talk about my experience.  I didn't reply at the time as I had just relapsed.  I feel like I should be contributing more to this community than I am doing.  My reserves just feel a bit empty at the moment.

But still not gambling 😊 

@thebean For now bean, just look after you - if we can’t look after ourselves then we can’t start to look after/be there for anyone else! Well done on the weight loss. Try not to think too deeply about the self control bit, just keep hacking away at your mini goals. Today you remain g.f and hopefully tomorrow will be the same and thereafter. 🤞🙏🙏.

Have a lovely weekend with your family.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.