Hope

Hi SA,

Many thanks for your post in my diary - it really made me feel worked up for a run tomorrow morning. I really have a need to brush off some cobwebs!

Brilliant to hear that you had a normal, ordinary day today and may there be many, many more of those.

We CGs really do respect those ordinary days as we have spent far too many days in the past in a hypnotised mode. We are much better people than this.

Hope you have another of those tomorrow!

Getting There

Hi SA

Just popping in to wish you well on the job hunting.I know things out there arent too well but im sure someone like yourself who has worked all of their life will pick something up.I know its humiliating having to sign on and get money from the goverment ,but just remember this you have earned that right. the goverment took tax from the money you earned m8.You ar eentitled to it.Stay atrong m8.All the best Jeff.

Hi SA

You are doing great under very difficult circumstances. I very much admire you.

Well done! Take care,

f x

Day 36 gambling free and gambling free it shall remain.

Thanks guys and gal (musnt forget f 😉 ) .. I take on board your supportive thoughts and comments as always.

To be honest Freda things are not that bad.. I think am through the worst of the transition from working to not working and claiming. When you just have yourself to support and the state takes care of the rent and council tax, then in reality it simply means tightening ones belt.. and of course as a Cg I know how to live on small amounts of money. My challenge now is to make that transition back to employment and to a job that isnt bad for my recovery.. that is my challenge.

Its also true that if i can not gambling through times of change and uncertainty (which i am doing) then when my life does settle down again into a steady rythym again.. then not gambling may become much easier.

What i do take from recent events is that never again will i put myself into a crisis of my own making. I may go through crisis again because of events out of my control but I will no longer put myself into crisis becuase I decide to go into self-destruct mode. And that means.. no gambling.

I had a great run today with people from club.. 14 miles up and down dale.. perfect running weather.. blumin sore nipples though.. protective tape came off.

Am gonna cook myself a nice meal in a bit.. I could eat for england. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A

Good to see another positive post from you.

Hope you are soon back on track on the employment front in a job that is conducive to your recovery.

Keep it going, you are doing well.

David

Into the 37th day since my last gamble and gamble free it shall remain.

Am very tired this morning though my body clock has got me up and out of my pit. Its windy and rainy outside and in a way its nice not to have to step out into that and go to work. But in reality i'd prefer to be doing just that... as going to work brings so much more than just money such as the banter with work collegues etc.

Sitting at home on me own doing job search aint no fun. But having said that am kinda feeling ok really.. the anxiety and fear I was feeling in the mornings is not so bad now. In part it might be that am not in a panick because of gambling. Must keep reminding myself to live life in the here and now.. one day at a time only. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA, glad to hear you are still gamble free, odaat. I've driving around the borders today and believe it or not there has been snow! I know you like your running. A charity is very close to giving me a slot in the London marathon. Have you ever done it? I feel that I need to give something back for all the years were I didn't appreciate the value of money. Keep strong. Russ

Hi SA

Just wanted to pop in and thankyou for your post, hope you have had a good day.

Emotions hey, counselling helped me to get these on an even keel, funny init, stop gambling and wallop...pure emotion returns. How we deal with it makes us who we truly are i guess.

Anyway im dribbling, soz!

Take care mate, ands.

keep it going s.a and thanks for your continued support mate :-)...we are much better people without this gambling rubbish...we can do this 😉

Thanks Guys... well here I am into day 38 since my last gamble and gambling free it shall remain.

I had a great run at club last night and enjoyed the banter with the regulars. I shall get to club in all weathers cos being out of work I spends way too much time in my own company. Must admit am at a total loss on the olf job search thing. I don't know what i want to do and after my initial flurry of activity on applying for jobs and then the knock backs.. am kinda scratching my head a bit.

I got interview tomorrow for working with kids. Am not even quite sure exactly what the set up is. I guess is prob a care home, back to shift work and challenging needs. I think to myself i just don't want to do it. I think I just want to get up in the morning go to somwhwere in easy travelling distance do something that don't stress me out and then be home by 5.

To be honest i don't really care whether its minimum wage of not.. I just don't want to be at work when its anti-social hours. I went all the way through my twenties like that.. when all my mates were out having a social life in the evenings and then there i was helping some person with a disability make dinner or escorting someone somewhere or getting stressed out with challenging behaviour.

When i was 21 I was living with an elderly man, he was paralysed down his left hand side. I was his enabler.. help him get on the toliet, get out of bed, get in his wheel chair, get out his flat. He was a miserable old b*****d, smoke and drank as much as he could and there i was helping him to carry on smoking and drinking until one day I was wheeling him down to the pub and he died.. had a stroke and that was that.

Don't get me wrong he had a nice side and I did my bit in helping him in his last few months but looking back i think why did I do it.. and i think to myself well its probably cos i didn't know what else to do. I was fresh out on University, no confidence, no where to live hence the "live in job" (volunatray) and then started my odessey into the world of social care and challenging needs.

I went straight to another live in project.. supporating five adults with mild learning disabilities.. help to cook and clean and escort and sort out monies and accompany on trips and holidays. etc etc. ten months llater I was in a full time job working in a care home.. leanring disbalities and some challenging needs. Two years later i got fed up of that and just resigned one day. Signed up with agencies and started working in all sorts of different places.. care homes and day centres.. all over London. I become somehting of a work aholic.. night shift followed my day shift.. sleep ins.. weekends.. no life of course. Just tired all the time. I was either at work or travelling between jobs and yes you guessed gambling when i could.. zombie style.. lost soul i was.

After a few years of that. I found myself in a challenging needs unit. I was one of two dedicated support workers to this chap.. six and half feet tall, autistic and without speech. Our job was to take him out into the community.. ordinary living.. f*****g hell that was challenging sometimes.. at the end of the day go home with my shirt wripped and trembling. Straight to gambling.. lose money in zombie like state. Anyway eventually his behaviour became so bad in the commuinity that he know longer enetered the community lol.. and my job ended.

Next came two years as an autism outreach worker. I worked with autistic adults tthat didn't fit into mainstaream services.. so there i was out and about one to one with more people with challenging needs but this time i was on my own much of the time.. stressed all the time and gambling like a nut case. Aftere a coupole of years of that my world evntually started to fall apart.. and 20 k in debt and suicidal I arrived at gordon house in 2003. Anyway fast forward 7 years and I find myself unemployed sitting in council flat 38 days since my last gamble wondering what comes next.

Am at a cross roads oncce aggain. For perhaps the first time in my life (well atleast since I was at Uni) I have something of a social life but with work I continue to scratch my head. I so don't want to repeat the mistakes of my past. I so don't want to take on the most demanding, emotioanlly draining and poorly paid ****** care work.. just because its all i know. Idon't want to bbe working when everyone else not.

Anyway thats me... ddin't realsie i was suddenly going tow rite so much. it just kinda had to come out though. I want to make decisions in my best interests.. not other peoples.. thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA, that was a moving post. It appears that you have given blood and sweat and tears for other people throughout your life. There's little wonder you turned to gambling. I have great admiration to people who work with the less able. It's about 'you' now. Don't go back to what made you so unhappy for years. If it means being unemployed for a longer period....then so be it. Thought are with you today. Russ

Hello ((SA)),

It was good to read about your past, about you... it always helps to 'see' what we feel... it always helps towards understanding ourselves, our recoveries... both for the writer and of the reader, so thank you.

I am so glad to read that despite the work situation(which had to end, you had been so unhappy for too long my friend), you are now having a social life.

I think this far out-ways anything else for you at this time of your life. I believe from reading your diary over the years, that a real 'social life' was something very important that had been missing from your life SA.

The more you enjoy this time, just for yourself... for what it really is/means, the more I think it will help shape the new you and as your future unfolds it will help it to become a happier one for you

As I read your last post I feel a lot of your past work experiences have been also all too familiar to mine. That kind of work, I feel in the end, always takes too much from us... both physically and mentally.

Yes, I know we are trained to have boundaries etc. but just by the nature of who we are, being able to be good at those kind of roles... asks & takes an awful lot from us that people in different professions can never imagine or understand.

The social life that you are now experiencing sounds far more fun, rewarding & fulfilling... not to mention healthier;-) than how you use to use any spare time in the past... gambling & getting wasted... SA, that wasn't a social life, that was exhaustion, escaping and trying to forget life.

Time to find a job that will care for your wellbeing for a change... or at least one that doesn't bleed us dry! 🙂 Tall order in this current climate you may say... but it will happen SA... probably when you least expect it. Until then keep busy, enjoy something about each day... see it for what it really is.

Take care

Jackie x

Oh...Forgot... and congratulations on your gambling free time! x

Hi SA,your last post was very emotional,open and honest,.....i can relate to a lot of what you have written from the perspective of a parent,my second eldest son is Autistic(he's 28 now) and lives in a "supported living" environment,believe me SA the emotional turmoil i went through when he left home was very hard to bear and has scarred me emotionally for life,there can be no doubt that be it as a parent ,or support worker people with challenging behaviour are indeed very draining,in my case it was a "labour of love" and that in itself in some ways adds to the pressure(i know you will understand what i mean).

Moving on to the job situation,i guess with your background the jobcentre will be constantly nudging you back in the same direction,have you considered working at a university?,most now have departments within student services that provide help and support for disabled students,the support is on all levels,personal,study,and socially and is more varied than you may think,plus you get the chance to become involved in the social scene at the uni.Anyway,just a thought that may help:).

Seano.

Hi SA,

It worries me, that for the past 200 odd pages you have talked about why care and social work type jobs are bad for you, and leave you drained and unhappy - but you are still applying for them!

It would be such a massive shame to drift back into this field, when you took such a brave and courageous step in leaving your last job of this type.

Seriously, starbucks, tesco - where-ever. Just not a care worker role.

Seano makes an excellent point - supporting uni students would be hopefully less intense. These jobs don't come around every week, but they do occasionally. His post made me smile and nod knowingly, because I had forgotten how true it is that whenever you see any kind of employment adviser, they want to pop you straight back into your 'box' whatever it may be! You can tell them til you are blue in the face you want to take a different direction, but they still try and nudge you back where they think you should be.

Anyways, my two-penneth for what it is worth is - focus on developing your life socially, and the rest will fall into place. When you are in a 'good' place, you naturally know what is good for you, and make choices that are best for you. When you feel scared, alone or panicky you just deviate back to the familiar (whether thats a good thing or not) because you know where you are with it.

Sorry for rambling, Im super-tired.

Take care,

f x