Hope

Thanks guys and gals... well am just back from my first official day at work.. and what a day. We took some clients for a drive and a walk. Me and this other staff were walking around this big nature reserve with a client and the other client and staff stayed put as the client refused to go. Anyhow we walked and talked, client was fine but we got a bit lost and then the path ran out and we took a short cut across a dried out lake bed to get back to mini-bus.. accept it wasnt as dry as we thought.

The client got stuck in the mud and his shoe came off.. now this is a big heavy chap and it was a worry... if it wasn't so serious you'd wanna laugh. It was nearly a fire brigade job the way it was going. Eventually we got him out (minus shoe) but luckilly enough we found a random shoe just lying around so he put it on. We were all caked in mud but made it back safely.

Anyway where does this leave me.. I dunno really. I quite like to be back in the routine of getting up to go to a job and then to be home here at 4.15 pm writing about how it went. Am nervous about signing off though. Feel as if i just need a bit of a chat with the manager first. Its also a bit odd that the cllients seem to live miles away from centre.. so lost of driving to be done. I guess that will be a good thing for my confidence to get on the driving duties.. cos it maybe that in due course i will try and get a driving job. The staff seem friendly enough.. the usual mix of folk. Were all so different from each other.

A week since my gambling f*** up... of course with signing off i have to think about rent and how to pay it until my first pay day which looks like it will be at end of feb.. he scratches his head.. temporary rent arrears perhaps. Why was i such a d**k for going out drinking that day.. the drinking was what started the whole dreadful episode. Short term gratification for longer term financial worry and persoanl misery

O well .. one week gambling free today.. I am still here writing my thoughts and fighting this god dam awful addiction of mine and drawing inspiration from everyone else journeys to. Onwards and upwards.. S.A 🙂

P.s Never again will I allow myself to be in such a precarious situation.. one day at a time. For f*** sake i can do this.

We all know that sinking feeling when we are gambling mate but to almost feel it on your first day in a new job-well that would have been a first. Well done on not finishing the poor chap off but even more well done on reaching the first week after last weeks episode.

All the best

Stumper

Hi SA,

I believe that is called a baptism by fire! it reminded me of my uni flatmates brother (who did not need support workers with him - well, not officially!) who at age 20, went wandering off from a halloween party dressed as dracula and got lost somewhere on ilkley moor. He lost his shoe in a bog. He eventually found this remote house, knocked on the door, and was met with a scream when the owner opened it to be met by a muddy, scratched and shivering dracula with one shoe.

You couldn't make it up...

Anyways. I feel your frustration at the signing off thing. Its too soon after one day to judge if you are ok to come off the sick. Today may be completely atypical of what the job is generally like. I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but when I was on incapacity I think you were given something between 2 and 6 weeks to try a job and could go back on your benefit within this time frame if it wasn't working out.

Only you can say if this is worth it on balance. I'm sure it hasn't escaped you that there seems to be a drinking culture you said at this new workplace - and what led to your last lapse in recovery? ah yes...

I would say give it a few days more to see how you feel, but trust your gut feeling as to whether this job will be good for you or not. I know my own gut feeling is usually spot on.

Anyway, well done you on your first day done and dusted! you are doing just great 🙂

Take care,

f x

Well done on surviving your first day and it seems that it was quite an experience - not one to forget for a while.

But would you rather forget your experience this time last week or would you rather forget your experience today? Having days like those at work create many memories and will always put a smile on your face in the years to come. Especially Stumpers' comment about sinking in!!!!! Hilarious!

OK, Freda did say something about the links between their drinking culture and yours but the choice is yours. Do you have to join in with their drinking culture? Do you want to? Will they accept your decision? Do they really want to continue with their drinking culture?

Lots to think about here but the most important one is that you are back at work and you are keeping busy.

What is the way it should be.

Have a great day tomorrow, hopefully no more mud!

GT

hahahahhahaahaahahhahah sorry SA still laffing at the man who lost his shoe what a nightmare first day!!!! i know u are worried about signing off for the job and that but talk too the jobcentre etc... and the housing office explain too them you have just started a new job and you will pay them at the end of the mth.... im sure if u ask them they will carry your benifit on for another 4 weeks for housing allowance... a credit for getting a job!!! im sure it is u can only ask.. sorry if im wrong please dont shout at me lol.... have a lovely 2nd day at work tc shell x

Hi SA

Glad you survived your first day at work (just about!)- Your experience reminded me of when I took some disabled people on holiday to the country years ago and was told that there would be horse riding with disabled access. I don't know what their idea of disabled access was but I had to push some poor guy in a wheelchair about half a mile uphill through a country lane in the baking heat and then his wheels got stuck in a cow grate in the middle of nowhere! That was a stressful day- but we could laugh about it afterwards.

I guess in care work, you are going have more days like that unfortunately. They are funny when you look back, but at the time they are a nightmare!

Hope the rest of the week goes well!

Very interesting first day for you SA!!!!,still your back in work, and interacting with others,i'm sure that will help you tremendously:).

Seano.

Thanks folks 🙂

Another day passing gambling free.. stress levels high for many reasons.. financial, emotional, every which way really. I can feel the tension in my neck and shoulders. Doing my best to deal with lifes problems with support. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,i have started a thread on the OPG page that i'm sure you will find interesting.

Seano.

hi sa why not go back too the gym and cure them achin shoulders etc xx

Yes for sure Potholes.. exercise is good. Am getting quite alot at work now, walking around the day centre monitoring service users keeping them safe etc. I feel tired when i get home and my dodgy leg aches. I sure know that am working again.

Must admit that despite everything that Ive put myself through recently I had a few "thoughts" today. My gambling head said "well you can just pop in win a couple of jackpots and pop out again... and that will make my difficult financial situation a bit better". I dismissed these b*****ks thoughts of course but I just needed to acknowledge them. I am taking the sensible measure of not having my card on me unless I really need it.

I know how vulnerable I am at the moment.. increased stress with starting new job and increased stress from consequnces of my recent gambling. Thats why I try to keep myself busy and just take each day in bite sized chunks. I know what i need to do and i am doing it. Its just a question of keep on doing it. Sooner or later I will start to settle again and find my peace and serenity once again.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

glad u kept that gremlin at bay again he gets everywhere i hope u like your new job...... im sure u willl if u can do this anyone can youve been my inspirtion since 2008 id never ever thought you wud slip up.... but u did,,, just goes too show... this s**t can hot you with a fan if your not careful xx

Glad to hear you are not finding the job too bad so far, or it sounds that way anyway.

Is it Mon-Friday? I'm just thinking it will feel good tomorrow to have completed your first week - its always the hardest one!

Take care,

f x

Thanks Shell and Freda 🙂

As you say the first week is always the hardest and yes its felt like an assault on the senses. In fact its almost as if ive gone full circle.. back to the days when my Cg behaviour really got going 15 and more years ago when i was working with people with disabilities and challenging needs. Of course the difference now is that i understand whats going on.

Its like the real challenge of this sort of work is managing your own feelings and keeping on a level and helping clients to do the same. On top of this you have to cope with how other staff manage their feelings and how they interact with the clients and with you. Its a complex set of inter relationships that is really evident. And I tell you something I find it mentally exhausting some of the time.. well most of the time. Here's an example..

Today am sitting on a mini-bus next to a client (there is nowhere else to sit)... the client wants to pick my nose. I am gently but firmly oushing his hand away in a quiet jokey sort of way encourage him to stop it. It seemed to be the best thing to do. Now the staff sitting next to me is of a different character to me and the way he deals with situations is different. A no nonsense sort of approach.. like a parent might react perhaps. Now the client is getting mixed signals. In my head I just want my collegue to not do anything.. ya know hes not the one sitting next to the client and if the client kicks off I am the one whose going to get it. meanwhile the driver has got this music blaring out that feels like an assault on my hearing. Am also sitting there and its real hot as i got no room to take my coat off... do you get the drift i could continue.. its like I have no control over the situation.. I just have to run with it.. and cope with it... it was doing my head in.. I couldnt get away from it.

As it turns out nothing developed but it could have done and me being me I am hyper senisitve to the possibilities to my environment. I am so much better when itts one to one support.. when its amass of clients and a mass of staff. I just don';t like groups. I am not well suited to this job but given my siituation I will keep showing up and keep doing what i need to do until either

a. I find something else or

b. They fire me or ask me to leave

I will never resign from a job again. I'd be in so much financial s**t if I did that again. It was only because I played the gambling addiction card that i was able to sign on in the first place. I think If I do find another support job it will be with the elderly or with physically disabled people. I can't be doing with all this potential for being kicked punched or scratched for littel more than minimum wage.

I went to the cinema last night. A friend had free tickets. cant remember the name of the film.. but it was about boxers. One of them was a *** addict to and the film showed the boxers descent into addiction.. he ends up in prison. It kind of scared me a bit really.. cos gambling addiction is every bit as bad as *** addiction i think. I really do think that. Just as the *** addict lives a very ppre-carious existence its not that different to me really. My gambling has come close to ending my life just as it does with *** addiction and do you know what.. I came out after that film having these thoughts of gambling.. the film had got me into emotional flux that and the fact that I was v-tired from the days work and so on. Anyway i had very little money on me so it didn't have a chance to develope into something more. By the time i got home I wasa fine. I just went to bed and to sleep.

I feel sad today that ive developed this terrible compulsion to gamble over the years. Its stunted my personal development to such an extent. But hey ho all i can do is keep on trying to live a more meaningful life with the support of others. Its certainly helsp me to write today. Its processing my thoughts. A free flow of thoughts. Dealing with myself and my feelings. It works it works... thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Sounds interesting your new job and I can certainly relate to your experiences through my past experiences of voluntary work.

Am pleased to hear you are determined not to be out of a job again, no matter how much you like it or not. It's not only the money, it's the routine and the contact with people that is so important in our lives. Especially ours as we recover from this evil thing.

We all feel the sadness that you are feeling about this gambling we have done in the past but it is important to focus on the present and the future.

And as long as you keep busy (and entertained!) then your future will be great.

Stay very positive mate and have a great weekend.

GT