Hope

Hi GT and yes. People have been suggesting to me for years that i have great potential and yet in myself ive never really believed it. Its as if ive lived a self-limiting life for so long now that i don't know any other way. I build myself up after a relapse only to knock myself down again. But god d**n it I don't want to be this way anymore.

Today I will tidy my flat.. its a mess again, washing up left to fester. I haven't had the heating on for a while now because of money worries, maybe its a self-punishment thing to and there is dew and dampness on most of windows that makes its way to the bottom of the frame, collects in a puddle on the sill and then drips onto the carpet. There are also black damp marks on the ceiling especially in the kitchen and cobwebs to. When gambling or struggling in the aftermath of gambling my flat deteriorates. I will sort this and other stuff out over this weekend. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

P.s phoned my Dad this morning, told him of recent events. It felt good to do that. Also had a nice chat with my mum. That felt nice to.

Positivity is now shining through in your posts mate and it is also showing that you are happier with yourself now than for a long time. Funny how that has coincided with not gambling again.

I really hope that you can stay strong and hopefully things will continue to improve.

All the best

Stumper

Hope your flat is sparkling clean now....

Hi SA

It does sound really stressy, this new job. Chaotic! I was sat in front of an autistic boy on the bus this morning, and he was prodding me in the back and asking me the time every 30 seconds. The lady with him (who I think was a paid support worker) said 'you mustn't touch the lady Lewis' I turned round and said 'its ok, really it is' and then thought 's**t! I was trying to be kind and patient, but I have probably just undone weeks of work this lady has done to get this chap to stop prodding people!'.

Such a complex thing dealing with autism. The guy who told your client off - he was probably just trying to help you because you are new, but as you say, mixed messages are not good with clients who get really agitated and distressed when they are confused!

Sounds like you are great at what you do, but it might wear you down after a while? just remember, if you aren't getting paid much more than minimum wage, but it starts to impact on your wellbeing - sit behind a checkout, work serving coffee - whatever it takes to safeguard your own wellbeing.

You know all this already though!

Take care,

f x

Thanks guys and gal 🙂

Yes your spot on f... this sort of work aint good for me or my mental welfare. Am on edge around the clients thats why i want to get stuck into the driving part of the job. I did apply for other jobs totallly different but even the min wage jobs are hard to get without experince. I will keep looking.

I went for a 40 minute run this morning or rather a 40 min slow jog where even the neighbourhood snails were over taking me. I was like a dog with a hurty paw that doesn't want to put it on the ground. However joking aside it wasn't to bad. I ran mostly on the grass and towards the end I thought yes this isn't to bad especially as i wasn't drugged up with pain killers. I reckon am 80 - 85% healed up. Had a cold bath for 6 nano-secounds to help with any swelling.

Still angry with myself about the other weeks melt down. The consequnces of said melt down are still emerging. Its awful that an impulsive moment can have consequnces that last and last. A few minutes or hours of escapism for long term financial drain and misery. Hey ho nothing i can do about it. Got to try and remain positive. Each and every day gambling free I become a little stronger even on those days where I disagree with myself. Onwards, upwards and forwards. I can do this.. S.A 🙂

Who cares whether snails or tortoises overtook you on your run, what really matters is that you have finally managed to go for a jog. And that can only be a good thing.

I have never tried a cold bath and have no plans to do so - the thought terrifies me!

You're right about the half marathon, it's a couple of laps and very flat - nice to be able to see how fast the leaders are when they overtake you during the first lap. The difference in the elevation in this morning's run can only help me towards the half marathon.

Take it easy with your next run, you don't want to take one step forward and two steps back.

GT

Thanks Gt.. yes i was joking of course re the snails.. but I see some joker started a diary about being addicted to betting on snails.. did you see it?.. its out of order really but you can't but help laugh a little.. its good to laugh something i haven't done much of the last couple of weeks.

Tough day today at work.. did my first driving duties.. it was good that i had someone to go left, right, straight on etc otherwise i'd of been lost. I was just able to concentrate on driving.. something i haven't done for eons. Later back at the centre one of the clients was "kicking off" and it was all a bit stressy for a bit.. but hey ho keeps me on my toes.

No gambling problems but am still mad at myself for f*****g up the other week.. though it feels nice to be once more getting some gambling free time under my belt. My mental health improves a little day by day.

Had a letter from the council about rent arrears which freeked me out when i first saw the red writing but then it said i was x amount in credit because i was ahead on my rent before i went on to housing benefit when i left job. Why send me a letter saying i'm in arrears and then say actually am not..?? computer generated i spose. Am living on not very much until the end of feb.

My family have been great this last couple of weeks. I speak to them every day now. I try to be open about stuff. Its like what i was reading elsewhere its important to not keep everything secret and in my own headspace.. support is what makes it. Anyway onwards and upwards. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,i'm sure your new job has it's very stressful moments,i have seen my own son "kick off" so often!!!,although the very odd thing is he has never ever kicked off with me in his life,very strange that.Anyway,i also wanted to let you know that the answer you gave to a question i raised last week re B3 machines has been incorporated into a joint statement issued to the press by a number of concerned charities,church groups and others aligned.So thanks mate:).All the best.

Seano.

Im intrigued as to what a B3 machine is...!

Glad to see that confidence returning bit by bit. As long as you do whats best for you, the rest will fall into place mate.

Take care,

f x

Hi SA

Spotted your interesting comments from a few weeks back on a different thread, regarding different CG profiles.

I googled some key words, as you recommended and ended up at a remote GA outpost somewhere in the deep south of America.

You reckon you fit the ‘escape’ profile. I definitely fit the ‘action’ profile, right down to certain quite personal personality traits. Really spooky to realise you are not quite so unique and indivdual after all, but reassuring in another way, if you get my meaning.

The two profiles seem to converge in the latter stages as the consequences of years of CGing take their toll, which is understandable. It is clear that whilst the two profiles set off on the CG path quite separately, the action gambler absorbs many of the escape traits as s/he starts hitting the hopeless/desperate phases.

I obviously understand that we are all ultimately different and so are individually capable of bucking the trend. I note, however, that studies from a medical/professional viewpoint have shown the prospects of long-term recovery for action gamblers who have passed through the desperation stage (I’m pretty sure I must have entered that zone) are nowhere near as hopeful as for escape gamblers.

I’m not disheartened by this too much as I feel I am doing okay under the circumstances, but I am still feeling pretty sore about my encounter with my GP back in December when I was almost literally shooed straight out after 2 minutes after I had tried to enlist help with my gambling problem.

One of my strategies in dealing with my CG behaviour is to find out as much as possible about the problem so thanks for the signposting. Wish you all the best in your own struggle.

Chris

Yes I know you were joking about the snails and yes I did see that post from that joker (well, I believe he was?!).

Hope that your jogging trail is back with you and that all is well.

GT

Hi SA

Glad to see that you are running again. It seems to be something that is important to you.

I know it's hard but try not to beat yourself up about the recent episode. If there is something that you helped me with, when I was going through a similar experience was that what's done is done and to look to the future, rather than the past.

Hope that work isn't too bad!

Take care x

hello mate...i can sympathise with your flat situation....i am hopefully moving shortly from very basic to basic accomodation lol....sorry,i didnt notice the snails poster but i mentioned snails on my diary as ive sometimes had them as "pets" at my flat...yuk...glad to read of your contact with your family and keep going forwards friend...odaat we can do this 🙂

Hi S.A.

It's always daunting to start somerthing new and different. Fear used to live with me all the time. Fear to fail, fear to not live up to someone elses expectations.

You know what...stuff it...I tackle things head on now...why should I feel fear for someone elses inadequate thinking or behaving.

You have stopped gambling..huge step...you have a new job...even bigger step.. all of it into the unknown.... it's ok ... because you are doing it... I am proud of you...

In a few weeks time, when you have had some more practise in driving and you feel like you know people a bit better, you will look back and think, why did I fear this so much, it wasn't bad at all....

Sending heaps of love and encouraging hugs..

God Bless

Sabine xx

Thank you to my recovery buddies.. as always your thoughts mean alot. Rest assured i shall be parachuting into your diaries over the weekend.

I am tired, its been a long week.. two weeks back at work completed and today its ended positively. Getting on with collegues fine, getting use to the clients. The driving I still find stressful. believe it or not although I passed my driving test 20 years ago when i was 17 ive never had a car.. partly becuase ive always lived in a city (public transport) and partly because ive never had any money because of gambling.

Anyway its been in at the deep end driving mini-bus in congested streets and negoitating massive roundabouts with no idea which lane to be in.. getting bibbed all the time lol I don't think i could ever be a delivery driver for a living.. though i spose I probably could.. I just don't want to. There's too much blumin traffic everywhere. Ive already had a scrape.. a a park van with trailor and this trailor lept out and bashed the front seat passenger door.. it wasn't my fault 😉

No gambling problems. Am looking forward to a nice chilled out weekend. I'm still surprised at how quickly I am recovering from my crisis the other week. I guess am mentally tougher than i thought I was. Am just taking a realistic view of life and where i am at and just getting on with it. No more f**t arsing around in the land of self-pity.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂