Hope

Hi dotty...your right ya know.. am not actually partucularly socially anxious.. no more than the average anyway. Sometimes i find myself being overly negative about myself in my blog.. usually when am over-tired or troubled about something else. Much to hard on myself.. its got to stop.

Work beckons... thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

Dear diary... nothing much to say really. have lost my creative writing juices for now. Going through a depressive phase. Finding it hard to motivate myself to do anything except run and go to work.. work being something which i must do of course.

having said that.. am not struggle with thoughts of gambling.. so thats a positive as always. I will see if I can foucs my thoughts and read and reply to others during today. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Last gamble... 24th December 2011

Sorry you are not feeling so good SA,

What else could you try, to help lift your mood if exercise alone doesn't seem to be enough by itself? What other tools do people who experience recurrent low mood tend to utilise? What would you suggest if you were talking to a friend?

Food for thought mate. Keep your P****r up!

f x

...away at the moment on hols but just popping whilst signal allows to say that i am thinking of you and sending you some good vibes whilst your not so good.....

hugs

Rachel xxx

Could not resist posting,

Your count was

2222 , four ducks in a row.

What an incredible amount of posts and replies , your dedication is second to none.

Hope you are feeling a bit more upbeat, maybe you suffer from the the seasonal disorder thing , call sad.

Take care my friend

Dusty xxxxxx

hey thanks all... I might be down in the doldrums at the moment but am coping to a fashion and as always just taking each day as it comes. I don't want to gamble. My motivation not to gamble is strong and i intend to keep it that way. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

Hi SA

Funny how our prime objective, when we come n here, is to stop gambling. As time goes on we uncover things about ourselves and we have nowhere to run or hide. The gambling has gone but we are left with ourselves and our thought processes. It is tough sometimes but working through these horrid times makes us stronger next time we feel down as we start to realise we are getting better. At the time it doesn't feel like it but I'm sure we do get something from it. Hope your spirits lift soon. Take care

Thanks all and yes it makes alot of sense what you say Smiler. When in the grips of compulsive gambling we are forced to focus upon the immediate consequences of our compulsive gambling which in a way takes the focus away from deeper issues and the real reasons that we turned to gambling in the first place. Its like after a period of time "off it" when the immediate aftermath does not feel so raw.. we are left looking at the bigger picture.. with nowhere to run and no where to hide.. unless of course we pick up another addiction. Thats how it is for me anyway.

Am approaching the 6 months mark again... and for me this is where historically it starts to get a bit harder. Am depressed at the moment. I know am depressed cos i haven't done the washing up for days and this weeks local paper has just dropped through the letter box and landed on last weeks local paper. I canny be bothered to pick them up.. let alone read them. Am off to docs tomorrow to review my blood pressure and meds so i may talk about my low feelings but then i don't really want depression on my medical notes.

Am also feeling paranoid cos my boss never showed me or got me to sign my May timesheet so i can get paid at end of June. They can't not pay me.. but am paranoid and uncertain cos i simply don't trust my boss. I haven't been able to approach her to clarify things cos ive already pre-dicted in my own mind how she's gonna respond ie "with attitude" I struggle to cope with others moods especially when am not feeling very well myself.. so i do nothing and wait to see what happens.. but it still bugs me. I shouldn't have to feel this way but i do...

Despite everything though.. I do some how feel like I am recovering. In seeing and feeling the bigger picture I have no intention of making things worse with gambling. I real do despise gambling and what ive done to myself through gambling over the years. I read through parts of my diary from time to time.. and it sadens me that so much of it I could just copy and paste to now. here's me saying much the same stuff that i was saying 4 years ago.

Nothings ever exactly the same though is it?? Moving forward I am even when i can't quite see it. Gone of the days of gambling every day. Gone are the days of getting drunk every weekend. Am a work in progress.. onwards..

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

Hi SA,

Do you mind me asking why you wouldn't want depression in your medical notes? just curious really. Have you considered St. Johns Wort? you don't need a prescription for that, and in many parts of Europe it is suggested first, before pharmaceuticals are introduced.

I typed a long message out there, then thought "nah, nothing I haven't said before. Shouldn't push your opinions on people if they don't want to hear em". So I deleted it.

Anyway, take care,

f x

Hi freda.. its not that i don't want to hear them.. I agree with much of what you say.. always have done. Its just... finding the courage to make changes that i find hard.

I think with the docs I don't like the idea of "depression" in my notes..cos employers sometimes write to your docs to see if your suitable to employ or continue to employ.. or maybe its just that I don't really want to acknowledge that am depressed and don't really want to come out with a prescription for prozac. When i was in rehab they always tried to ween people off of anti-depressants cos they said that... if addictive gambling is a "reaction to life" and a reaction to ones negative thinking and negative outlook.. then anti-d's arent the answer.. its good old CBT thats the answer.. and all that. maybe its also that I think that i'd failed at life if i sttarted munching on prozac. You are right though I could also argue the case for a "short course of anti-d's".. I guess the bottom line is that i just don't want to. I always listen to what you have to say even if i don't act on it... S.A

Hi SA,

didn't mean to be sarcastic or mean at all. Its cool that different people have different approaches, and anti d's are most certainly not the answer for everyone. Some people I believe do have a chemical imbalance though, much the same as if you had an imbalance in your thyroid, you would need to take thyroxine, some people need anti d's to restore the balance. You are probably not one of those people though, as you function really well.

I reckon if you can access CBT go for it! it's a great alternative to meds. Which CBT tool do you currently use?

Do you know, for a really long time, I had real trouble recognising depression in myself. Just couldn't identify it in myself. Anxious, yes, but was still a chirpy soul, lol. But depression isn't just limited to being miserable 24/7, and the day I finally saw it in myself it hit me like a train! I was really distressed one day, about being in a discussion group where it degenerated into trading stories about how awful people can be. I felt really panicky and had to leave. talking to one of the support workers later on, she suggested that perhaps I couldn't handle all the negativity because of the way I was feeling myself. That was when it hit me - of course I was depressed. I couldn't handle hearing about nasty things people did!

Anyways, sorry rambling now. I understand the difficulty in affecting change, I have the same immobilising fear myself on certain matters. It is really hard to push past, and I do respect that.

Take care,

f x

Thanks f.. and yes I don't think I have a chemical imbalance or not anything significant anyway. Its nice of you to say that I function really well, cos i am not sure i believe that myself. On a negative my flat looks like its in a permanent state of distress and when am stressed I turn in on myself and become insular and withdrawn. On a positive I continue to get up in the morning and go to work and do my job to the best of my abilities. I pay my bills, keep a roof over my head, keep on running and most importantly... stay off the gambling.

I relate to what you say about recognising depression. It becomes easier to cope with other poeples behaviours when you feel good in yourself... and clearly if feeling cr** about self it becomes hardly to cope with negativity.

Anyway am kinda feeling ok today. I might have a little rest from my diary and write when i have something significant to say. Things tend to work out when we don't gamble.. thats what i think anyway... tahnks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

I can't really tell you why i keep repeating the same mistakes. But I have.. all my adult life. Its the definition of insanity isn't it. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Though am not sure that I even expect different results am just a hamster on its wheel blindly running round and round.

Yes you guessed it.. drinking followed by gambling ( in an arcade that am banned from I might add)and then all the let down emotions and then starting the process of facing reality once again. I say starting cos am not yet ready to face the bank balance. The only saving grace is that this time.. no bank charges.. cos i'd put things in place to stop this happening.. just in case of this eventuality.

Ive been here so many times before that am just numb to it all really.. shrug my shoulders and carry on... what else can i do? Am I still committed to a gambling free life?? Well long time readers of my diary might shake there head.. but yes I am.. never give up giving up.

I spoke to the samaritans initally... just needed someone to listen to me.. the first 12 hours after a binge is diffilut.. the sense of disappointment and regret and self-loathing runs deep. Thirty hours on am returning to some sense of normality.

Something ive learn't from past mistakes is that in telling others it does bring an episode to an end. keeping it a secret brings further gambling.. thats been my experince anyway.

Am finding it hard to press the send button. This is not a surprise. The internal struggle. If your reading this then thats a good thing. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA

you blew it, big deal, up you get and the journey continues.

Your last bet 17/06/12, second to last bet dec 2011, great work and good luck again,

John

One bet in 6 months, though not perfect is a far cry from years of continuous betting, silver lining, bright side etc