Hope

Hi ya,

So glad you got through today. I have put my gambling in a mental box padlocked it ( and dropped the key in the thames.) then sent it one way to Tom buck two

Just a suggestion ......

Have a great weekend, remember over indulgence at street parties will require additional time put on running. But you love running so that can only be a good thing

Take care , have some fun , you certainly earn it .

Dusty xxxxxx

good to see you still gamble free this year friend.

Keep fighting the fight odaat no matter what carp gets thrown at us.

Best wishes

winning post 🙂

Thanks Dusty and wp.

Am struggling to be productive and do productive things. Pleased to have survived another working week but am now bored and listless. Yesterday was not so good. Other than a run in the morning and a potter around the shops I struggled to motivate myself to do anything positive and then i started eating.

A large tub of Ben and Jerrys followed by a large can of ravioli and then marmite on toast. Interesting combination eh! Spent rest of day feeling fat and went to bed feeling depressed.

Am in a job that stresses me out for near enough minimum wage and i have no life to speak of. Its not great is it. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Having said that things could always be worse. I have a secure home. I have my physical health and most importantly am not gambling.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

Hi ya,

Bit sad to hear that you are not enloying the weekend as much as you could.

Maybe and this is just a suggestion, you could look on the net and find some free on line course. It is helping me out at the monent with motivating myself. Understandably it does not help you on the social front, but not sure what to suggest on that front.

Keep your chin up, hopefully you can enjoy the rest of the long weekend.

Dusty xxxx

Hiya SA

Nothing much to say except I hear ya.

Won't post too much on yours as I am 'the blind" at the moment and not the best person to be offering support right now ..just don't go onto my diary as it will make you feel worse.

Always reading though and floating around in the ether...xx

Rach n Doo xx

Thanks Dusty and Dotty.

What a bleak old day.. its rained continuously. More like a day in Feb that a day in June. Thought i was gonna have a good day today. I went for a swim and sauna and then I was gonna sit in a coffee shop and do some work on this corespondance course I got to do for work... but nope I just trudged about in the rain for a bit, got thoroughly fed up and came home.

Must admit to a few thoughts of a gamble. Cold, wet, nothing much to do, feeling bored and sorry for self. In a way i was kinda setting myself up for a fall. I escape outwards.. now am home, all thoughts of a gamble have gone.. am fine now.. but it is proving to be a difficult bank holiday weekend. I should have made plans really but didn't.

Anyways musn't be too hard on myself. I might be alone but my inner resources keep me on the straight and narrow. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

HIya SA..

Nail on the head time ...you hit it.

Absolutely right about ex as gambling was just the symptom.

Underneath he is a passive aggressive manipulating bully (in my opinion) who got found out by me and I blew his cover.

When I read about your trials and tribulations with your Boss I see your reaction and how she can throw all over the place just with a look or a few words...I was in the same boat under the same roof as someone doing the same.

Its been a case of the Emperors new clothes as I was the one pointing and exposing the truth..and then got locked into battling with a narcissist which you know all about.

I am no angel..i'm like a dog with a bone,have a highly vengeful side and can carry a grudge for life if necessary and also have a very cold clinical sarcastic side to me if really hurt..

I react violently to bullies of all kinds and swing from internalising that anger to acting out destructively.

So...its a case of just picking myself up now and stop beating myself up for feeling defeated and make sure I heed the warning signs in the future and get out rather than trying to fight it.

Thanks again for popping in and your words of wisdom ..i have spent all day dozing ,listening to rain...you tubing and eating uncle bens microwave rice with soya sauce.....yay!..let the good times roll

Rachel and Dotty xxx.

Hi SA...

Hope today is less rainy and you feel a bit more lifted....

Am going to actually leave the building today and do a food shop xx

Rachel and Dotty xx

Hi SA,

It sounds like you know what needs to change in your life, but don't feel in a position to do it right now.

I don't know, maybe after some more recovery time under your belt, you may feel more confident, resilient, and able to make these positive but difficult changes.

I have known for some time now, that I need more friends. I need a variety of influences to draw on, so I can feel supported and cared for. Due to chronic anxiety and depression, my social circle is down to 2 non family members! I really hate this, and it scares me and makes me feel alone and vulnerable. Recently however, I have realised that I have had a rotten time of it, and need to not push with anything new and scary for a while. I will be in a far better position to make new friendships and maintain them, when my anxiety and depression is under control. So I remind myself how counterproductive it is to focus on these things right now. Get stronger, then deal with them.

Maybe it's a case just now of recognising what you are not so happy about, but shelving it a wee bit, until you are feeling more robust.

Dunno...Just thought-vomited all over your diary there! lol. *ramble!*

f x

Thanks Dotty... interesting to read what you had to say... and yes my boss has effecting me greatly over the months almost like a dysfunctional relationship which i spose is what it is isn't it. We spend alot of time at work so work relationships can be just as damaging when they go wrong or aren't right in the first place as personal relationships. I know am not alone in how i feel..cos several others at my work feel the same way.

I really struggle with other peoples moods... particularly passive aggressive... snid comments, moody silences, sarcasm, not even being acknowledged as in the room, people being confrontational in tone of voice whilst denying that there is a problem, avoiding eye contact and alsorts of other behaviours that come under the general category of rudeness and of passive aggressive. There is no need for it in my book. Ya got a problem with me.. then just tell me. I might not like what you have to say.. but i will respect you for telling me.

Its not been a good bank holiday weekend really... once again two long runs have saved the day.. stopped my mood dropping too low. Besides a few brief phone conversations and a few cursory chats with till operators and people out walking dogs I haven't had any nearly enough human contact.

Thats always been my main problem really.. the more withdrawn and depressed i become the harder it becomes to get out and be with people.. and then i beat myself up, cos i think.. whats wrong with me??.. why am i always on my own?? Why am i not doing anything about it??

Its like (for example) every body at my work has always lived around here and our surrounded by friends and family.. just up the road and just down the road. Its just hard thats all. Its very hard when your on your own to stop being on your own. Sometimes i like being on my own but this weekend ive struggled.

Its been hard to lift myself, to talk myself into a positive head space and do positive stuff involving people. Its like i wait for some sort of kick start.. some sort of eureka moment.. a moment of clarity that doesn't come.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Final gamble 24th December 2011

P.s Just red your thoughts Freda... thanks.. and yeah.. sticking with the not gambling.. and nothing ever stays exactly the same. Even with my life change is happening its just that sometimes I can't quite see it.

P.s.s.. please vomitus on my diary as much as you desire.. just make sure it has bits of carrot in lol

Hi S.A

Just to say congrats, on keeping this diary going its been over 4 years since you started it, and good or bad, you've stuck at it, so keep up the good work, and no doubt it has been worth it, well done,

John

S. A u should be proud of yourself you didnt gamble at the weekend and you went 4 a couple of good runs.

If you had of gambled you would of been in a far far worse position.

Hope ur boss gets a transfer or something nothing worse than adult bullys.

1018 days i think u done and now headn that way again a day at a time be proud of yourself

Hiya SA ..

I know you have had a couple of bobbins days there but your humour still shines through,...

I also spend a lot of time alone and in my own head with all my driving for my job its sometimes too much of alone time.

In my real life I am not quiet but certainly I spend more time listening than talking as all my "talking" i do on here.

Also have thought whats wrong with me?

Not sure of your personal circumstances but I tried a few on line sites a while ago...not for dating as such just more for common interests so for me a film and dinner group was cool and also "book reading/discussion group...also looking at joining a walkers group and some voluntary groups just to meet new folk..

I also took a job in a really busy farm shop on a sunday just to meet people as i moved to an area where i knew no one ..and that was a real laugh.Weekends can be the worst if you live alone and have thought about pub job recently now I've moved back.....

Having a dog has been the best thing to get me out socialising as everyone wants to talk to you but understandably its a huge commitment.They are always looking for walkers though.

Sorry for the ramble there....(lol..ramble) ....but just to say that it is sometimes hard to always motivate yourself when its just you...

take care and always lots of people on here to see you through the good and not so good days

take care

Rach and Doo xx

Thanks for the support all... and yes Dotty I know what you say and i have at various times got involved in stuff involving other human beings but ive seldom maintained these things.

I once joined a walking group but I felt awkward cos i didn't have a car to get to places and I don't enjoy being reliant on the kindness of others.. so only went twice. It was also a bit pre-scriptive... "follow my leader" type thing. I don't really enjoy groups.

Ive also at various times shown up at some social club advertised on the internet type thing... ya know... "are you new to the area, come meet in the pub with like minded others" bla bla. I have to be feeling real good in myself to do that.. cos i struggle with social anxiety.. or the mere thought of being socially anxious. sometimes ive made the effort to go, only to then arrive at said pub and then run away at the last moment.. like a frightened mouse lol

Its a shame really cos once ive actually met someone or been introduced to someone then i can hold a conversation and be quite charming and funny... its the meeting people in the first place.. thats the bit that terrifies me. Its odd really am not particularly shy.. i just get a bit afraid and conjure up lots of reasons not to try something new

I should get back to running club really.. as i stuck that for quite a while..its less pressure than social groups.. cos ya don't even av to talk if ya don't want to.. just run with a pack of others (pack of wolves lol)

Anyway work has been suitably mad this last couple of days.. but i spose its given me something to focus on.. and its a laugh at times amongst all the stressyness.

No gambling problems, thank f**k for that.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

Hiya SA....

Back to the madness ofwork...am back too now and yes it does give a focus and also the days pretty much planned out so no need for us to search the memory banks for motivation eh?

Just reading your post there and your honesty it is funny how we have perceptions on a forum because you surprise me about your social anxiety...I imagine you to be a larger than life character which am sure you are when like you say you get over the initial hurdle ...

Likewise im not shy but do sometimes lack confidence particularly if i'm in a group situation with strong characters as I can't do that compteting for attention thing and just go quiet.

Im better solo or on a one to one.

Must admit ...im a great starter upper of thing but not aa good maintainer /finisher...so I too join stuff then leave..commitment to this forum has been great for me as even Facebook I go for ages without posting and get bored.

The running club sounds good and a "thing" to focus on rather than just turning up and making small talk...

I will one day wear my cool walking gear and actually get out there and "do" instead of procrastinating...

keep on running ....

Hugs

Rach and Doo xxx