Hope

Hey SA

Read your post there and have thought about it a lot.

Just to share a few thoughts on anger as for me it is both friend and foe...

We all know the foe of anger but as a friend it has provided me with the rocket fuel if channelled right to make big changes as it's been the catalyst to say 'enough is enough".

In this way anger has been both a protector,a cleanser as it brings things to a head , an equaliser and also a barometer that my self esteem is rising.

That's just me hun and as we are know...we are all not the same....one mans meat is another mans poison and all that....

You don't have to act on the feelings of anger but just be aware what comes up ...as that is telling you what is really inside..

Take what you like and leave the rest SA...

Thinking of you

R and D xx

Hey thankyou Blues and Rach 🙂

I understand what you mean Rach... anger as the rocket feul for change.. thats a good thing. My history is that I push my anger deep inside and get depressed and then it comes out side ways as gambling or getting drunk or some other self-destructive behaviour. Its one of my biggest challenges in recovery (everyones recovery aguably) and thats managing ones feelings positively.

To be honest this mornings anger was because i was over tired. I had a pretty full on run yesterday and for some reason i didn't sleep very well and i could really have done with a duvet day.

What happened in reality was that 2 other poeple phoned in sick so i new it was gonna be a chaotic desparately under staffed day. But as it turned out I was driving for most of the day (my favourite part of the job) and so it was fine.. relatively speaking. Other staff were in a worse place than i was for sure. I continue to cope really rather well.

And yes Blues am gonna have a nice quiet evening of it. A slow walk to the supermarket in the cool evening breeze and buy myself something nice for tea.

No gambling. Onwards.. S.A 🙂

Yo,

So pleased your day went better than you expected .

Seems Rach may have found the cure for insomnia , so

be expecting a bit of advice on that front ( bit of a pun there, all will be revealed)

Hope you enjoy your dinner and get to relax and chill out ............work will still be there in the morning so try not to think about it 🙂

Shiny xxxxxxxx

hiya SA

You know what? that first paragraph on your last post in a nutshell is what I feel is the driver of addictions of all kinds.

You said it perfectly SA.

I also think that we become depressed when we try and keep anger in or like you say it comes out in a another unhealthy way or in supressing it it also dulls our passions too.

Its interesting that passion and anger are the same energy just two diifferent sides of the same coin...

Thats why I love the Latin Americans, Italians and Spanish....they do some crazy passionate dancing and singing and then if you cut them up on the roads they honk their horns and shout but its not scary.

Expression of emotion in all its colour is built into their culture and accepted but not in ours...it's seen as negative.

The good news is that we are at least aware and have our healthier ways of discharging that anger like in your case running and in my case singing and writing.!!

And why are we angry? for all the reasons we have

said on here in our posts like either being under or over assertive when people *** us off and our culture not supporting expression unless its done quietly or through a filter..

If they taught self esteem in schools rather than chasing grades and being competitive then we may become a healthier society eh?

Sorry for the ramble there but we know the causes and now the next step is for us to start applying it all. Easier said than done but we are all in it together and not alone..

Keep posting SA,...you always give me food for thought,plus like Elizabeth you manage to say things in one sentence eloquently that it takes me about a week to sort out in my head and process through...lol

R and D xx.

ps hope you are HALT-ing and getting plenty of rest.

Thanks Rach and Shiny 🙂

Likewise Rach, your insight and wisdom helps me enormously. Your capacity to devlope your points in a very readable way is just awesome.

That bit you said about surpressed anger dulling our passions certainly rings true with me. I don't think that i have ever not been depressed to a degree and consequently my zest for living life to the full has been effected.

I agree that "self-esteem" and "self-belief" is so much more important than any exam grades.

It reminds me of my time in rehab when my support worker suggested to me that if we make a huge generalisation then addicts (not in recovery) come in 2 varieties.

Firstly, those that spend their time getting angry with others in a very overt way and playing the "blame" game and secondly, those that spend time getting angry with themselves (and others) but in a very introverted way.

Clearly most addicts are a combination of both but the point being that the addict is not taking responsibility for self. All addicts have self-esteem issues (it was suggested) even when they project an image of self-confidence.

Anyway, the above sort of makes sense to me. My thoughts are getting a bit muddled. Just back form a difficult day at work but am not going to talk about that, cos its history now.

Gym beckons.. thanks for listening.. S>A

P.s no gambling problems.

hey SA

Can identify with both those addicts and yep the common denomintor is responsibility.

Very well put and your post should be put as the header of both sides of the forum methinks...for CG and Supporters as it applies to both.

Keep posting ...but best news of all ..no gambling...

hugs

R and D xxx

Hiya SA....just a nightcap as I cruise cyberspace before bed....

Thanks for your post there....

Guess what?..I'm havng steak tomorrow night...rare with peppercorn sauce even.....whooo hooo...yes..that's definately an indicator of where we are in life talking about food...lol

I do know that film "About A Boy "and have seen it a few times...with that song "killing me softly" on the soundtrack....Hugh Grant does play that character well where despite his material wealth he is not living just exsisting.

My life can also be very regimented which is why often it can border on OCD as being alone to this extent often is overwhelming ..in one repsect there are too many possiblities and choices that you feel paralysed.

No wonder I have been an ex sufferer of fear of open spaces with agoraphobia and also claustraphobia !! says it all really....

I know there are more people around at this age in the same boat,unmarried but in my peer group I am still an exception as I have no kids...even my divorced pals have a purpose with kids.

I know we have chatted along these lines before and its not said as a downer its just a fact...but it is hard to keep being self motivated just for yourself and a lot of people don't understand..

A lot of my pals think being on your own in your 40''s is like you were at 16 and spend all their time tellng me how lucky I am.

They have'nt a clue so now I have stopped explaining it to them as they don't get it.

Also, likewise I have spent a long time in a service role to feel somehow that im making a difference if not to my life then perhaps to others.

I'm not sure what the answer is...if indeed there is one...even travellers eventually settle down and find a nice caravan I guess and find something to make their life relative to...lol

Sometimes I wish there were role models who I could say..yes...he/she has done it and at least see a path that someone else has trodden down a bit.

Ah well...ramble over....perhaps the future for folk like us is high backed winged chesterfield leather chairs, some cigars and a brandy chewing the fat in front of an open fire like those muppet characters...Statler and Waldorf...but just occasionally snorting over the broadsheets.

That....or P**n stars ; )...lol

night

R and D xx

Thanks Rach... 🙂

Ive decided to put my diary down for a while. I think I spend too much time on the site and in some respects it only encourages me to isolate.

I will continue to read and catch up with my gamcare buddies some of whom I have been following for years.

Its a strange thing that people I have never met and are never likely to meet regularly occupy my thoughts and will continue to do so. I often wonder how folk are getting on especially when they stop posting.

I will of course update my own diary when i have something significant to say. A phrase that stucks in my mind is... "nothing changes if nothing changes" and I want to write about change you see.

S.A puts his diary in the draw until the time comes to take it out again. Thanks for listening folks. Sending warmth and compassion to all... S.A 🙂

Spread those wings Mr. SA......

diary sleeps time

R and D xx

Yo,

Sending it right back at ya .

Stay strong Hun , and do not let that boss of yours get you down !

Hugs ,keep running ....

Shiny xxxxxx

Hi SA,

I understand where you are coming from, and good luck to you mate. I did a similar thing recently, to focus more on making face-to-face type changes in my life too. I was running here to the forum to get comfort and support (which is cool, but not if you are not building new support networks out there as well) Because we all need a face-to-face, real life hug and shoulder sometimes.

All the best mate, won't be the same without you here as much, but you are doing what you need to do so HIGH FIVE!!!!! to that ; )

f x

All the very, very best in your chosen journey. Just remember to come back when you need to.

Keep on running...

...away from gambling.

...in events.

NT

🙂

Hey thanks my cyber friends 🙂

I thought it was time for me to come clean. What I wrote in my last post was just b*****ks and me being a wordsmith. I came up with a way to avoid having to say that i had gambled. Truth is that Saturday 6th of Oct was an evening of drinking then gambling. Same scenario as always really.

How did i feel? Again same as always really... the feelings of shame and guilt run deep with me but they soon pass. The wanted to chase my losses took a little longer to get over.. the internal struggle with the devil and hence my 2 week absense form the site. The devil lost. No gambling since the 6th.

Am disappointed with myself but what do you do...?? just carry on isn't it... and carry on I will. Thanks for listening... S.A

Two gambling events this year.

Two gambling events this year,maybes 4 or 5 slips in 5 or 6 years ? Surely thats better than hours/days/months on them machines.

i know we all want to be gamble free but take some heart from those stats mate.

Don't be too hard on yourself s.a I've told you before your literacy on here should be proffessional.

You give out very good advice.

Chin up,we can do this.

W.P

hey SA...

unconditional my friend..you know that..just glad to see you come back onto here and not disappear...

keep posting...believe it or not I do underestand betterr now of how trying to change old familiar but non serving patterns of behaviour..cos im doing the same in a different way..

(((Hugs)) No reason...just because your you.

R and D xx