Hope

haha very well written and witty story S.A . Sometimes its the small victories in life that make a difference and can sometimes spur us on to further change.

Keep taking the small victories S.A, and everytime you put on your clothes now you will know they didnt touch the kitchen floor once lol.

Take care

Blondie 🙂

Hi SA,

Thank u 4 ur post on my diary the other day, it made me smile 🙂

I enjoyed reading ur last post about ur washing machine, def a best seller I think 🙂

Have a gr8 nite SA 🙂

Day 55.. thanks both 🙂

Ive had a good 24 hours. I almost enjoyed going to see my friend, having a meal, a few games of chess and then our for a few frames of snooker. Then this morning I had an excellent gym session.. 10km in 48 mins and 40 secs.. not far off my pb for that distance and ive been in a good mood ever since.

Am thinking about entering the 21st century and getting a smart phone. I like the current marketing from Virgin media. I think get rid of my landline. I think get rid of virgin tv and just have freeview. I think have the internet and smart phone on virgin contract and pay less than what i currently pay for having tv, landline and inetrnet with virgin and in doing so this will offset all the up and coming rises in rent, council tax, electric etc etc. makes sense doesn't it, well it does to me anyway. I will mull for a few days. The only thing i don't like is another 2 year contract that they tie you into.

Anyway thats me folks. Time to post a bit to others. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hey SA..

lol lol lol....Fanuary...ha ha ha ...or what about Januhairy?...hee hee hee...at work we have had arguments about this subject as the opinion is split down the middle.!!!..ha ha ha (am so rude)...

All I can say without it being too obvious on here are the women who are signing up for sponsorship will be wandering round itching like mad..ha ha ha .....: )

Anyhoooo...glad its not just me that has got socially phobic.,Im usually ok when I get there and enjoy it..its just the build up before and expectation to entertain.

You did 6 hours and even enjoyed it my friend so things are looking up for us...might even be normal soon lol

Money is funny....and yes my attitude has changed to it..partly by circumstance but more by realising it does not make you happy if you feel poor inside...

Takes away a lot of stress for sure but it brings a whole new set of responsibilities.

Hope you have the storage on as it was snowing in northants today as a friend on fb informed me.

Asked my "Oooo Arrr" Farmer Giles landlord about heating costs and he said it was'nt my storge thats eating up the cash its becasue ive got the water tank on all day and night?..hmmmmm..not sure

I shall have to check..and anyway...its off now..

Thank you for reading my long posts SA..i know its hard going somedays but its nice to know you are there and i dont mind how long your posts are to me..just great to see your name on the forum...

cyber hats to be bought and black tie for the upcoming wedding...lol...plus cyber jiving.

keep warm

R and D xx

Hi SA,

"The Angled washing machine"

Loved your post...was with you all the way. I think us CG's hate to spend money on anything once we start recovery....tight ar*es we all are !

Brilliant...thankyou.

You actually sound in a really good place at the moment...running...socialising.....SMART PHONE...Yikes...modern technology......very impressed!

Keep on doing what you are SA...Cos I'm lovin' it!

Sue x

Hi SA,

Thank u 4 ur support on my diary. It means a lot 🙂

Sounds like u had a good nite out with ur friend, I am glad u enjoyed it... U deserve nothing but happiness 🙂

Ur strength shines thru SA, u give me hope!

Have a gr8 nite 🙂

Day 56... thanks all 🙂

Its a bit cold. Anybody fancy a 2.5 hour jog?

Was that a no??

Ah just me then lol

I will let ya know how it goes. Laters.. S.A 🙂

I will just stay here in bed but I am with you in spirit s.a, lol. I have so much admiration for you . Enjoy !! Blondie

Day 56 continues..

Hey thanks Blondie! 🙂

Well ive done exactly what I said i was going to do... thats jog for 2.5 hours. I did a minimum of 15 miles but highly likely to be 16 miles plus as i was going faster than 10 minute miles for sure and faster than 9 minute miles at times. So well done to me. My next long run will be for 2 hours and 40 minutes. I will run a marathon in training before I run the actual race. I will ya know.

Am sitting here with my green tea. Its spose to aid fat burning. How to stop myself eating for the rest of the day is another question? Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Fantastic effort with the running, S.A. I'm hoping to do a 10k later in the year and also get under 30 minutes in my 5k - as you will tell by that time I'm something of a plodder!

I am a long-time lurker of this forum and always read your diary as you talk a lot of sense and I can relate to you.

You seem in a good place at the moment, so well done you.

Day 56 comes to a close.

Thank you Paul.

Ive just been reading what i have written at around this date in years past and i came across a post i'd written in January 2011. It was a shocker.. talk of suicide, talking to samaritans, tears to family.. end of the world stuff. I notice how quickly i go from trucking along nicely with positive posts to the complete opposite.

It just goes to show how vulnerable i can be and how strong my capacity for self-destruct is. I also notice how quickly i forget the very bad times (don't we all).. reading what i wrote brought back the memories and the emotions. This is a good thing to remember that is.

In some years past I have got through the exmas period without gambling only then to mess up in January. I need to keep on my guard and break my destructive patterns built up over many years and i will.

I notice quite a few posts recently from returners many of whom who have gone for long periods of time without gambling only then to have returned to their gambling ways. The only difference with me is that I never went away.

Usually with me its been one full on binge followed by another period of abstinence and then another binge and so on. So close to having not gambled for many years and yet i have. So close to prolonged financial and emotional stability and yet I have snatched relapse from the jaws of recovery.

What is it that I don't quite appreciate?? What shift in thinking do i need to happen?? What is it that I don't quite get about myself??.. answers on a postcard. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Sa

Firstly thanks for sharing such an insightful post.

I can relate to much of it, the difference with me is i don't have a record in writing.

For me whilst gambling I could not see a life without it, quite simply i could not do anything that did not revolve on the outcome of chance.

When i look back today i see two things, first when did i enjoy gambling.the answer is only very early in my life, maybe winning a pub fruit machine jackpot less than a fiver and all in tokens. After that gambling memories are all of shame, failing to do things as my gambling stole the opportunity to do things.so from this i conclude i gambled to rid the shame of losses.

The result always the same. I cannot win because i cannot stop. And further shame.

For me recovery started truthfully about three months into lighting this diary, my first. Through attending ga and writing here i had several sort of lightbulb moments which led to me seeing that i can live without gambling and therefore without the shame.

I have seen through my recovery that firstly gambling truly did beat me, duff me up, had me licked.

Secondly there is no shame in losing, if you admit defeat.

So i conclude with this.

On 23/01/2012 I stopped my train just before it went over a cliff . Each day dawning i wake to see the train could head toward that cliff again, just one decision from sending it over, I pull the safety cord and go relax in the buffet car.

Just for today no bet and no more shame.

I accept my loses and change my future.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Sorry to ramble on my friend, i hope i make sense and did not highjack your thread.

I identify so much with what you say.

No answers and new to this site but your honesty and the way you express your feelings is so helpful to me.

xxx

Day 57

Thank you Dunc and Rainbowsend for your thoughts. Glad that my thoughts help in some way.

Dunc a phrase that hit home from what you said was the concept of "shame". Found myself looking up the definition. One defintion is

"A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace." This is certainly what i feel after a gambling binge.

I think for me if i take money out of the equation I gamble when i reach a point where I don't feel any sense of self-worth.. when my self-esteem diminishes to such an extent that I think.. well whats the point in anything??.. mights as well gamble and then when i gamble it only serves to underline how i probably felt about myself before the gamble except i feel even more wretched.

Am just thinking aloud here. Am not conciously thinking this stuff when i gamble or just before i gamble. Its like the reality of my gambling over the years is that once ive made the descion to gamble the final trigger is usually that eroneous belief that am gonna win money and all the things am gonna do with the money that i will win. Once am in gambling mode it doesn't cross my mind that i might actually lose or that if i win I will keep going until I do lose. Once the gambling blinkers are on I cease to think things through.. all i care about is gambling and getting the action going. Anyway enough of that.

Ive been lucky enough to have today off.. which is good. Ive done positive things and have had no thoughts of gambling. Long may this continue. Onwards... S.A 🙂

hey SA...reading your post with interest...trying to put myself in your shoes there and seeing that self fullfilling prophecy...

Will get back to ya on that as going ot mull over in my head and see if i can make connections in my own head as to where i do that so i can understand more...

thank you for sharing that x

r and d x.(store-aged up) ; ).