Hope

Day 62... thanks all. I voiced my anger on here and i sure don't feel bad about it. 🙂

Am ever so run down. You know those times when your not actually ill but your mind, body and soul is telling you that it needs rest, it needs recuperation. It needs to do nothing

That long run a couple of nights ago was a run to far.. 1 hour 45 mins in the cold, dark and snow. No wonder i struggled so much yesterday with the pressures of work. I was knackered. Went to bed at 6.30 yesterday and have just got up.. more than 12 hours in my pit.. heaven!.. am still knackered though. Got to look after myself eh. Rest when i need to rest.

No gambling problems.. thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

As an employer she has a duty of care to the staff in so much that in abnormal circumstances she is not putting them in danger by travelling to and from work. You should bring this to her attention immediately if not for you for the clients and your fellow colleagues...she's a **** jockey!

S.a

thanks for popping by, the humour you bring to recovery is refreshing beyond words my friend. Something the forum has sorely missed of late.

As for the worn yourself out, Me I see it as one trait most of us compulsive gamblers share.

TO GO GUNG HO at life or dont go at all.

Hey we have to learn to take care of ourselves, you fella put that to the fore with each post,

Thanks for sharing, most of all caring.

A flaw modern society most definatly posses.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 63.. thanks hampton and Dunc

I don't know whether the below is a useful exercise or not but ive decided to post what ive written on the 20th January (with one exception where ive done the 19th january) in previous years. I have records going back to January 2007.

So here it is. Nothing has been edited, though part of me wanted to edit a couple of things as it made me squirm.. but no, it is as it was... in all its glory. Thoughts welcome...

20th January 2007

Days gambling free 632

Well managed to do some reading this morning re-counselling theory. I fully intend to transform this into a journal entry this afternoon. Some anxieties remain about my motivation to get my course work back up to date.

8.30 pm A productive day in the most part. I have more or less got a journal entry completed. Done some good work on psychodynamic thinking and theorists and have reflected upon defence mechanisms. I went to Birmingham to do this and also bought some jeans. Emotionally I felt quite elated after having completed the work but now feel quite down, a little lonely and almost tearful. I think perhaps that part of this is all the coffee I have been drinking today though perhaps this rationalising is part of my defence meachanisms. I am getting nowhere on the dating front at the moment and socially I feel at a loss. Am thinking about Spice but so far have done nothing about it. I need/want to take positive steps.

Football tomorrow I am quite looking forward to it. I have invited Andy over for lunch afterwards.. a pasta meal I am doing with bacon bits

10.30 pm have just thought its been 2 months since I got the keys to my flat. Am settled in now

20th January 2008

Days gamble free 996

Well its 14 months since I moved into my flat gambling free of course. All bills paid and up to date. Am reminded of the consequences of getting into debt with the appearance of an ex-resident at the door… baliffs and eviction pending for him. It gets me thinking that I intend to get my electric account into a decent amount of credit and as soon as the new council tax and water bills comes to pay a decent amount ahead of time. Anyway time for a good work out at the gym today.

Had a good workout. A respectable 5.5 km in around 32 minutes. Anyway the launch of the new site tomorrow. Indications suggest that it maybe successful. Must admit it does look fairly promising.

20th January 2009

Seems like everything I read at the moment is about people saying they are posting too much or its time to move away from the site or they are worried that they are becoming addicted to online forums or a general kind off feelings that its "sad" to hang around recovery forums cos its not life .. etc etc

Must admit its starting to have an effect on me.. but the fact remains that in the 8 months that I have been posting here in my diary on an almost daily basis I have not gambled. Am I a sad git I dont know.. reading some peoples comments you'd say i am lol Is their anything wrong with journalling?? ... isnt it just a positive thing.. am beginning to doubt myself.. should i follow the massess and make some statement about its time to move on bla bla... thanks folks but am off

Am a bit negative today... tired, weather dont help i guess. No gambling, no thoughts of gambling.. is it becuase i come here and say so that am not struggling or some other mystery reason. .. S.A

20th January 2010

Thanks Jasmine and Freda.. no update on romantic interest... rest assured that will be logged when and if it happens lol

Another day passing gambling free. 604 days since my last bet according to an addiction counter 🙂 Went to Ga last night.. a good meeting. Just the regulars this time, quite a light hearted meeting nobody struggling... I was the chair but in reality the meeting ran itself. A few beers after... a nice social.

I read about the struggles of others on here. It re-inforces my resolve to focus on myself and my own recovery and not to return to gambling.. a day at a time only.

A work day today. It felt a bit intense at times but I managed myself just fine. Will go for a swim in a bit I feel as if I need to de-stress.

Ive been reading a book about the rules of life and in essence the rules of life are to treat people how you would expect to be treated yourself.

I am a quiet man with a quiet sense of humour who quietly gets on with things. Sometimes i feel as if others take advantage of this but this will not stop me treating them as i would wish to be treated myself.

19th January 2011

Ive gone from suicidal despair (dead man walking) to ok ish, kind of on a level, fighting back, more f*****g determined than ever!!... all within the space of 2 days.

I start work Saturday with a training course (subject to CRB clearance)... and I don't think ive committed any crimes over the years which is surprisingly really given the addiction I have. If only they new how timely this job offer has come. I shall commit to the job with bags of enthusiasm.

I am of course in a dire financial position and yet I am not especailly worried about money. I will find my way through. There is so much more to life than money... like friendship and the unconditional love from my family.

I am so very grateful and humbled by the heartfelt support you have all shown to me in my hour of need. You have helped to give me the strength to re-commit to my recovery and not descend into the abyss anymore than i already have.. which would surely have been.. prison, insanity or death.. and given my personality the most likely outcome would have been the latter. I will in due course reply to you all individually.

Grant me the serneity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference. Today i will not gamble. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

20th January 2012

A fairly positive week all in all. My boss asked if i wanted to increase my contracted hours and I thought yeah lets do it. I want to earn more money not just because i f***** up on the gambling front and want to pay off my overdraft but also there are things I want to do and buy that cost a little something. It gets a bit depressing just paying the rent and bills and then there is not much left.

The boss even invited me to her wedding which was a bit of a shock really given our history.. but hey ho.. things change.. any bad feeling between us from the past is now the past and I try not to hold on to bad feelings... and by the looks of it neither does she.

Anyway I reckon barring anything unforseen happening I should be back on an even keel financially by end of March.

Am still feeling a bit melancholly just now but its only to be expected I spose. I get a bit sad at how close I have come to stopping and staying stopped over a good number of years now.. only to suddenly sabotage myself. If I'd of stopped and stayed stopped a decade ago when i first tried to give up who knows where my life would be at. Anyhows no gambling problems. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

January 20th 2013 day 63

Ive been gym. 11.7 km in 1 hour. Also did some speed work, running flat out for a minute then rest for 30 seconds and so on. Ive never done that before. Quite enjoyed it. Also had a lovely walk back in the snow. Feeling good. No gambling problems. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 63 continues...

Well one things for sure I am fitter than i was a few years ago. 5.5 km in 32 mins in 2008. I can now do 5.5km in a little over 26 mins on a good day and i will improve on that am sure. Despite injury setbacks my running is going from strength to strength. Am fitter now than I was 20 years ago for sure.

As far as the gambling goes well its clear that i was at my most stable when i worked for the rehab.. no surprise really... being in a high support environment. It was even written in my contract that i could not gamble... though ultimately that didn't stop me. Still glad i left working there though. I really did live and breath recovery talk 24/7. I needed out even if things did get harder for me, which they did and still are in some respects.

As far as social stuff and friendships and relationships goes its a case of more of the same... not much progress really. I go through periods of solitude (sounds so much better than loner doesn't it?) and then I have periods when i become more social and outgoing and I make things happen but it never lasts. I usually drift back to my solitary ways. Making progress here is my biggest challenge.

One thing that maybe has changed over the years (and i don't know whether this is good or bad or indifferent) but am slightly less bothered. The painful loneliness Ive struggled with for much of my life (and was probably a big trigger for gambling) has got alot less. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

Lots of thinking this weekend.. the cold snowy weather puts me in a reflective mood. Onwards.. S.A 🙂

hey SA..

wow ..thats some flashback there and you know what? you say about periods of stabiity before but i think since ive been on this forum for a year now ...that actually you usually stable ...even with odd slip you have still remained stable...

it seems that the only time you seem to dip is due to your old 'soon to be' nemisis at work...if you take her out of th equation...you're life has been very stable and the running has kept you focussed...

I guess making progress socially is something we both share but to be honest i really dont think im misssing much and am very happy just being stable with Dots as she is terrific company..

Great to see that timelin of progression there SA....its true also about your post to me on th various reasons why people leave....just feel a bit sad about it .

onwards..

r and d xx

Day 64

Appreciate your imput as always Rach 🙂

Tired and f****d off today. I couldn't remember what time i was in today so went in early to discover I wasn't in until 8.30 so went to the caf for a sauasge and egg sandwich. Got to work to find out that no clients were to come to centre today, which was good and yet it wasn't. Spent 3 hours shoveling snow to clear the car park, which was fine only then to be given menial tasks for the rest of the day. nobody was allowed to go early. She did however spend the petty cash on lunch which might be seen as a nice gesture but even that was s**t, cos she didn't ask what i wanted and i got another sausage and egg sandwich, which i didn't want but ate anyway. I feel a bit sick now.

Musn't grumble i spose cos if your lucky enough to live in Damascus in syria you get to queue for hours for bread whilst being shelled. But it doesn't detract from the fact that my boss is a fat c***.. sorry but she is. Always on a power and control trip.... 10 days until the fat c*** goes.

No gambling.. thanks for listening... S.A

Gan on pet! get it off yer chest!

She sounds like a right D bag like. Who buys lunch for anyone without asking what they want??!!!! sounds like she is taking self absorbtion to a whole new level.

Never forget that. She is an exceptionally obnoxious person, and there is a good reason why you struggle to keep your s**t around her. Don't worry it is a weakness in you - everyone has their limits, and she sounds like a right eejit.

Without wishing to sound patronising - well done for letting out those feelings in a safe place, and not gambling. Keep that pressure cooker out of steam eh?

High five!!!!!!

f x

Hey SA,

Thanks for the post on mine...you waffle all you like!

Watching the "one show" at the moment and would you adam and eve it Bernard Cribbins is on (wombles)

My HP tuned me in lol

Was really interesting to see your post about the last years...I think you can see for yourself how much better youy are now....the running is going great...keep it up.

At my count 9 days till the "Witch" goes.....my guess is party time at work when that happens!

My turn to waffle now

I always thought it was "alex jones" from the one show who was with frank lampard...only realised the other night it was the woman from dancing on thingy christine bleakly....well they sound the same and look quite similar???

Womble xx

Day 66

Thanks Freda and Womble 🙂

Another dollop of snow overnight, though again it won't be enough to stop us being sent out to get clients, bring them back to the centre (where their is precious little activity for them to actually do) and then take them home again.

Morale amongst us all is at an all time low. The b**** boss didn't make an appearance yesterday but she will today, with young sprog in tow, cos the schools will probably be shut.

Its very tempting to do a sickie but I won't.. its only me that losses out if I do that. No sick pay with this company of course. Onwards with a gritty determination... no gambling problems and thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Ding dong the witch is dead...in 9 days..thank f****k for that.!!

How she has used her so called feminine charms to get some one to even have s*x with her is a mystery to me... ..I reckon you should ask her to check her contract about bringing a sproglet to work cos I have a sneaky suspicion it would be a different story if it were you with a kid.

9 days and counting...

Begone CB ..(C.@nt Boss)

R and D xx..feelin the love.

Day 66 nearly endeth

Thanks rach n dot.. you do make me laugh.. 🙂

Well c*** boss didn't show up with sproglet but instead arrived to announce that a managers meeting was to take place at the centre..I being one of the grunts (support worker) that happens to work there. Anyway several grunts were swiftly detached to buy heaters, decent coffee and cocktail sticks for the nibbles for all the important manager types.

Clients and grunts (support workers) are of course not worthy of heating, decent coffee or cocktail sticks with yummy foody on them.

As for me i managed to escape to the snowy frozen front of building where i decided to design and build a car park with entrance and designated parking spaces for all the VIP's. Unfortunately I had forgotten my car park attendant uniform but hey ho I cracked on with the job anyway. The 4 by 4's dutifully arrived and i guided them to their designated slots ( no gambling pun intneded) at which point c*** boss emerged and said she was going to get her mother and could i keep a particular spot clear of ice because she's a bit unsteady on her feet in this cold and snowy weather. I said of course i will, no problem!

It crossed my mind (whilst she had gone) that maybe i had time to pop up to the local carpet store and get some decent red carpet to ensure that the mother would not have to go near any ice or any imperfections that unfortunately do exist in the lead up to the main entrance (as opposed to the tradesmen/grunt entrance).

Am not angry with cant boss today. Me and the other staff had a good laugh, taking the P*** out of her (behind her back of course!). The funniest bit for me was the appearnace of all these heaters that weve needed for ages but have only now materialised when people she wanted to impress were coming. I enjoyed doing my snow car park. I wanted to make it a multi-storey but am not sure it would have taken the strain of them there big cars lol

No gambling problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Does make me smile reading your posts as have had two jobs with managers from hell - they get to that position by stamping on everyone and everything in their way and in my case working in a caring profession, what a f*****g joke.

Think rather than a red carpet I would have poured water at her side of parking space so that it froze and she went a**e over t*t when she got out.

If its still snowing tomorrow my grandson told me tonight they have built a snow train in the school playground - just an idea to fill her parking space, hidden camera, U tube.!!!

xxx

Ah humour is a true saviour when dealing with cack, is it not?

From the sounds of her personality, she will be trying to provoke reactions from her obnoxious behaviour in her final few days. A narcissistic way of sticking the knife in one last time. Don't give her the satisfaction mate!

You are the clear winner here. You deserve Olympic Gold in tongue biting. I admire your skills in this field!

f x

Hi SA,

Was roaring with laughter at your last post........thank you for that....made my day!

I can't believe this person can run a day centre.....You seriously need to get a support worker job with a propper company....I work for "scope" they are a lot better than your lady!

I have my moans with them but always get some support if I really need it!

And also I would say a "support worker" which I also am is well regarded within the company.

Take care SA...And keep making me smile!

Womble x