Hope

Hi Sa congrats on the three month mark great to see you going strong. A day at atime thats something im gonna try to live by.

Thanks for the message, it really meant alot and although im still down im trying to lift myself a bit and that post helped. I will look into some debt stuff in the near future and see whats the best way forward. With a clearer head i can make the right desicions. I guess will tell the wife but i'm gonna bid my time for now but your right be better coming from me.

Anyway thanks again and well done on the runnning thats another thing gambling has took from me, only ran once this year, gambling takes all motivation, all everything. End on a positive tho its day 1 im not gambling today and the journey begins. Thanks SA.

hey SA

Your influence on this site knows no bounds as whilst walking Dot yesterday in the crisp sunshine actually thought about taking up running ..although if truth be known I'm more turned on by the thought of accessorizing in lycra for a while.

Still the seed is planted although I guess it will be a fad for me and very weather specific...lol

Great to see your achievements though SA ..and also your coommittment to running and keeping clear of the things that bring you down...

Keep posting and inspiring

R and D xxx

cooo mittment! DOH! no edit button....pigeon version..lol

Hi SA, just dropping by to say well done on your latest period gamble free - good for the mind, body and soul!

Willing you on as always

Take Care

Blues

Hello SA

just wanted to say hi . we have spoke before a few years back . ive only be back here a couple of days i will try and read some of your diary and think positive for you

Paul

Into Day 94... and not a penny gambled in that time and thats a good thing.

It crosses my mind the hard work and courage it requires to have an enjoyable and fulfilling life. Its not enough, in my opinion, simply to stop gambling. In the short run life will inevitably get better cos ones finances will stablise (for most anyway) and the panic of living on the edge eases away. But in the long run of course stopping gambling merely unmasks and lays bare the original reasons that led to compulsive gambling in the first place and it is there that the real hard work starts.

I think this is why (for me at any rate) that after a period of time of not gambling I start to struggle, cos i see all to clearly the damage ive done to myself through gambling and the missed opputunities and in short the life unlived and then I get scared and when i get scared I want to comfort myself or escape from myself in the myriad of ways that western society allows and so the vicious cycle of addictive behaviours (not just gambling) carries on. Whats different for me this time??

I don't realy know. Am not struggling today I might add but i am a realist I know how it works for me. I am too self-aware for my own good. I am trying to change, it is just hard thats all. I am in a hurry and yet i know that is not the way. Slowly does it. As freda points out I have been moving in a positive direction for some months now and there is no reason really why i should start to drift back to my old ways.

At the moment I kind of see myself as moving 2 steps forward and one step back, which is fine, cos its still a step forward. In fact i am probably the most stable i have ever been in my whole life, right here and right now. I feel average and normal. I don't feel so much like am on the outside looking in anymore or on the inside looking out. I am becoming happier in my own skin, slowly but surely.

I keep the steady momentum going a day at a time. I take oppurtunites when they present themselves and I start making more connections with others. No need to be so self-contained. Its not a crime to be that way but its also not the way to true self-enlightenment. Its also ok to struggle and its also ok to ask for help. No more self-wounding. Onwards and thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

The sun goes up, the sun goes down.

Hi SA

I know weve chatted about this before but i also agree that it does require a lot of self motivation to live a life solo without addiction...

I think its doubly challenging when you have not got kids or another person in your life to share the load or to provide structure.

Most of my pals with kids have their days mapped out and free time for them is limited....in one way i envy that but in another I dont.

Most people without the structure of partner and kids are often the envy of their married pals as they seem to think we spend our time jetting off at the drop of a hat..as we know thats not true and even i thats a possibility it may not be what we would choose to do.

For some I guess lonliness is a trigger for compulsive behaviours...when i had my stint reactive drinking a year ago i was extremely lonley even with a person next to me in bed.

In AA many say "alchohol was their only friend"....I do understand that...I find it harder to communicate with the majority of people most of the time which is why i avoid social stuff as im usually bored stiff.

I am also too self aware sometimes ....and its difficult to regress..once you wake up you cant go back to sleep again..

Your posts are coming accross as very stable and there is nothing wrong with being self contained especially if you are prone to being sensitive.

Timing is also part of the picture which is where the thy will not my will comes in....you havent missed out..its just that you have had another path to walk first and get your foundations...

I often think we are blessed in a way as we are doing this back work now...imagine the ones living a champagne lifestyle on the never never burning the candles both ends... who are going to fall later on down the line and hard...probably at an age where recovery will be even harder...

Your time will come...and like you say ...slowly slowly..one step....

Socialising is a funny thing...we are all wearing masks..im probably more isloated than you are deep down but appear highly socialised...my socialising or appearance of it has nothing to do with wanting to connect with people at all,...I use it as currency to navigate through life superficially to appear involved so people leave me alone so I can persue life on my terms unhindered.....im actually anti social.

rambling there...

R and D xx

Hi Rach... bless you.. what a lovely and thought provoking reply.

This is the thing.. I do feel guilty and even a little ashamed of living life how i do and yet (yes!) it is true, I am a highly sensitive person and I do need to spend a good amount of time alone in order to be able to relax and centre myself and just "be" myself... especially given the job that i do.

This is why i like to run. I am at peace when am jogging along. When i was standing at slot machines (and before it became a problem) I was also at peace.. really quite happy in my little bubble. Relaxed and amused i was.. up to a point. clearly that was a very long time ago!

I know people who are the complete opposite to me and simply cannot cope with being alone. They need constant stimulation of being around others and feeding off of others. This is fine, this is them, but it is not me. I think it is certainly partly genetic as my family are very similar. My sisters my parents have never really been ones for having friends, atleast not "close" friends. Its like friends or accquaintences at a distant, exmas cards, yearly visit, that sort of thing.

Am not in denial though. I do accknowledge my need for companionship and a love life (I do have unmet needs) and my family would love me to be "settled and sorted" and "happy" before they depart this world (sounds so clinical and functional doesn't it) but like you suggest Rach, to be sleeping next to someone you don't want to be sleeping next to just for the sake of "having someone"can in some respects be even worse than sleeping next to know one at all. I would like to find my soul mate but being comfortable in my own skin whatever happens or doesn't happen is far more important.

As for general socialising, I agree Rach. Again i find myself making a big deal of it on here when i do socialise cos i don't do it very often, but yes sometimes I find am just socialising cos i feel I should not cos i really want to and yet sometimes when i do socialise i have a very nice time and enjoy peoples company.. usually this just happens when am least expecting it when am feeling properly relaxed. Just occasioanlly I can be the life and soul.

Am glad ive got the day off today..am having a good day. No running today, that long run at the weekend has led to seriously knackered legs. I was on the tread mill last night and i had the classic shooting pains up one leg meaning that a tendon was in trouble. I learn from last time, don't run when it hurts it only gets worse. Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

The sun is up and later it will go down.

still reading and digesting SA...sometimes posts need to just stand...

R and D xx

Day 95

Yes for sure Rach, sometimes i re-read my thoughts a day or two later and think.. I don't agree with that, what a load of distorted waffle lol.. but then what i write and what anybody writes is what they think and feel at that moment in time and like anything in life its constantly changing.

Another good day today, no major problems. Work stress was manageable and ive had a trully delicious 2 hour run this evening. A rest day yesterday made all the difference. Off to nigh nigh in a bit I feel like a long sleep if my mind.body and soul will allow it.

No gambling problems and thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Really identify with the post from a couple of days ago. Feel my recovery has gone over some similar ground. Gamble free for a few months then lapsing into gambling again. Its that working out that all the problems don't go away when you abstain and how to start dealing with them when the fog clears. Its not an instant process for me, its been very much like you said two steps forward one back. I read alot about moving forward which is great, i'm am not sure if this makes sense but sometimes stillness is the move we need. Just leaving things as they are and letting them fall.

Sun goes up, and the sun goes down indeed 🙂

Rob

Day 97 since last gambling episode.

Thanks for your input Rob. Stillness for sure. Treading water and taking stock and going with the flow. Change happens anyway.

The site has been down this morning. here's me thinking that they are fixing the "edit facility" but in a post i just made it was absent as usual lol I find in reality its making no difference to what i write or don't write... its just a very mild annoyance when i can't edit little bits and pieces.

All is ok in my world. Its probably been the best week ive ever had at my work. Still stressy but not with the added stress of the old boss. Been trying to do a bit of Nvq work this morning. I am now of course suitably bored and have come over here.

have had some vague feelings of wanting to play the lottery. These thoughts come and go like the wind and now they have gone. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hey Hun..just a drive by..Change does happen and it's about going with the flow..something I can do well !, not...

Glad all is well in your world of work and now the witch has gone your posts are a lot lighter...no longer the weight of the world on your shoulders..yes there will be off days but no where near like it was...she was toxic that one...

Sun goes up sun goes down and thoughts are carried on the wind..

Always reading

R and d xx

Day 97 continues... sad to read of some folk struggling... but from a selfish point of view its useful medicine for me. Its an awful addiction to have.

On a lighter note ive had another positive day. Am starting to spend a bit more on the day to day things. I prefer tinned salmon to tinned tuna but its more expensive so usually i get the tuna.. but not today. I also got some stewing steak and have made myself a casserole with lots of healthy root vegetables. I even had the patience to wait for it to slow cook.

I also bought a weekly bus pass, something which i'd never get when gambling. Who wants to spend £14 on a bus pass when your gambling?? Ok so i'd prefer a car but even with a bus pass I have the option to go places should i choose. Chances are i will get the bus down the gym in the week instead of walking, cos i have that option.

I remind myself that its the little things the little changes the little additions the little add ons to life that over time can add to the quality of my life.

Ive been at this point many times before and promptly self-sabotaged but not this time. I deserve better. I choose NOT to gamble. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

The sun came up today and now its gone down again.

Hi S A

Thanks for the post proved to be a real pick me up and for the 1st time in weeks feel much better just shows the affect and power we av on here to influence others and on this occasion a non gambling problem but which we both know could quite easily av turned into one if not dealt with correctly

Its a fine balance as u r well aware of needing this site to av that gentle reminder of our addiction and where it can take us if not careful comparing that to the days where gambling is furthest from our thoughts and its good not to see it mentioned

Some days all we can do is enjoy it as yes the Sun will come up and go back down which happens to make perfect sense

Thanks again

Castle2