Hope

Day 148

Thanks Freda.. and yes its not about the number and yet I still get a sense of excitement about not having gambled for X amount of time. I will stop the count at some point but not yet.

As for my friend, well yes its a balancing act. We know each other well. We are both compulsive gamblers and weve both been on the merry go round for many years.

At the moment he's back in the thick of it (or heading that way atleast) and i'm not, though it could quite easily be the other way around. He knows not to ask me for money and he knows that even if he asked he wouldn't get it and vice versa. I will look after his money but I won't add to it.

he also knows that I have no problems in cooking a meal for him or him just coming round to use my computer or phone or just to watch tv and chat and am sure its the same the other way round. I would also buy him food to survive but not give him the money to buy food and he also knows that he cannot stay with me if he gets evicted. The cruel to be kind rings true.

Ive been on both sides of the fence when it comes to this addiction. Ive been a paid advisor to others and ive also lived it and been completely at the mercy of other peoples kindness.

For me I intend to stay on the right side of the fence... as another day passes gambling free. Thanks for listening folks.... S.A 🙂

For me, today felt like the first day proper of the summer months. The sun came up and it had a bit of warmth about it.

Red cones all along the riverbank at the weekend and thought it was for a marathon then zillions of cyclists appeared whizzing by instead.

Hope you are back on form and cold has gone. So sad the news from US, a simple thing that everyone can enjoy and they destroy the pleasure, such evil people.

Best just to carry on regardless I guess to prove they have not won.

Lovely sunny day here as well, even took my jacket off.

xxx

Day 150

Yes, Rainbow it was a very cowardly act but like you say am sure most marathon runners will carry on regardless. I know I will.

Day off today and long run time (my cold has all but gone), except I went for a long run yesterday eve and am f****d but long run I will do. A little more endurance here we come. 2.5 weeks till marathon day. Time to ease off the running in the next few days and rest.

No gambling problems. Gambling can go f*** off! Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Day 150 continues.

I did 2 hours 7 minutes of running this morning together with 2 hours 10 minutes last night which surely must have equalled marathon distance and maybe more.

I am of course feeling heavily fatigued just now. Am walking fine, ive even been up town shopping and yet I am thoroughly knackered. I just want to sleep but I know my mind won't allow that till night time.

I will do the same again at the weekend then that really is it until marathon day. Am looking forward to easing off the running. No balance in my life just now.. am either at work, or running or feeling the effects of running and only a tiny bit of other stuff... but that's what you do when your training for a marathon. No short cuts. I just hope its not too warm.

I twas watching a documentary about the NHs last night. They were following the treatment and recovery of patients with very serious problems including a burns victim, an amputee and a quadriplegic. For me it was the fella that broke his neck and couldn't move his limbs or even eat and swallow properly that hit home. Poor bloke, and upsetting for his young daughter when she came to visit him in his rehab and he couldn't even give her a cuddle.

Its things like this that really gets me thinking how my life really isn't that bad. Am so lucky to have my health and to be able to go out and about and do as I please. Some folk really do have it tough through absolutely no fault of their own.

Gambling to the point where you become reliant on the help of others really is a very selfish thing to do. I speak for myself anyway. Its being able to remember this when am tempted to gamble that really matters. Anyway another day passing gamble free..... onwards... S.A 🙂

Day 151

Dilemmas. Mate of mine at work has got a new car. He's getting rid of his old one...did I want it?... he says I can have it for just £100. I want it and then reality kicks in. Insurance, tax due, m.o.t and it needs a service, breakdown cover and that's before we get to fuel etc etc

The thing is I don't "need" a car as I can walk to work but by gum it would help me broaden my horizons. Dilemma, dilemma. Cars are money pits aren't they, but so useful. Belief it or not am 41 years old and iv'e never had my own car even though ive been able to drive since I was 17.

And its like how much pressure is this gonna put my recovery under??..shelling out all this money, when on a low wage. Would I end up buying it and then it just sits outside my flat waiting to be broken in to or vandalised cos I can't afford to run it. Dilemmas.

If anyone has any words of wisdom then i'd really appreciate them. On a positive if I was gambling then i'd not even entertain the possibility of a car... 5 months today as it happens. Last bet was in the early hours of Sunday 18th November ie after having got drunk on the Saturday night.

Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

Day 151. Great stuff SA. Hits home with me tho cos at one point i was just behind ya, now im on day 5. Im back under a new name, dont know excatly why. I know i am slightly worried of people i know or know of relaising its me, because i did share some personal stuff under my last alias. Also hoping new name, new start etc. Anyway glad your well and im 146 days behind you and i hope that never changes!!

As for the car dilemma, i really dont know. Can you really afford it and maybe even more important do you really need it? im sure it would be nice but would it be worth it? If you think so then go for it, you deserve it after all the fight youve put in to this battle. But if you dont think its worth it then you cant miss what you never had.

Have a good weekend.

Day 152

Hi D999... sorry to hear that you lapsed but good to see that your still here and fighting the good fight!

Thank you for your wisdom and as you say I don't "need" a car but I it would be nice.. increase my independence for sure. Its a bit of a head f*** really. It would mean debt, either credit card, overdraft or loan, albeit probably not that much "if" the thing doesn't break down and need repairs but that's always a big "if" with old car isn't it.

My gut feeling says no but my gut feeling changes constantly. I would be back under financial pressure for sure and I don't need financial pressure. I had that for a decade before i went bankrupt and my gambling head loved that. I don't want to put my recovery under pressure without very good reason ie like needing a car for work. I will get a bike for the summer... even that would be out of the question if I was gambling all my money away.

Anyway that's my thoughts at this moment in time. Thanks for listening folks.... S.A 🙂

Absolutely couldn't manage without my little old banger of a car as I live at the end of a mile long lane. Nearly went bonkers last year when I was on crutches for nine months and couldn't drive. Used to live in a village with no public transport and was the taxi for my children and their friends for years and have transported everything from rabbit hutches on the roof to chicken coops in the back. Just love being able to escape on a whim but a real B*****r when the bill for it all come in. Tax, mot, petrol, insurance, repairs etc etc etc. and you wouldn't have a no claim bonus so insurance would be astronomical to start with. Add it all up and see how scary the total is before you make a decision but always an unknown quantity without a warranty.

Having said that can't beat the midnight trip to the seaside or the sunday afternoon picnic.

You so deserve a treat but as you say if it adds pressure don't go there.

xxx

S.A

Fella what a great post or two to read!!

Why??

A dilemma regarding whether or not to get a car!!

That my friend is the rewards of recovery, right there in the face, fan bloo#dy tastic.

it don't matter if you do or dont but to have the opportunity is reward enough.

This my friend I see as huge progress, Be proud and as for the car, I don't drive but have been watching a documentory called trading up the fella statred with a banger, did some remedial work sold it for a profit, and is trading up!! Banger today super car tomorrow!! LOL

Duncs stepping forward enver back.

Day 153

Thanks both and like you say Dunc's not gambling brings "options" and the fact that am even able to consider getting a car is down to not gambling.

As it stands I will decline because I can't afford it without getting into debt, though if i'd of really needed it for work I would have gone for it, but as it stands I don't "need" it enough to justify getting into debt. Its not like I live in the sticks or iv'e got children to ferry around. However I do love the idea of being able to visit people, especially when they live off the beaten track. Also the weekend drives into the countryside with or without others. I like the idea of parking up somewhere picturesque going for a run and driving home. Also driving to running events and driving to see my family instead of getting the smelly old train or coach. I understand why Britain's roads are so clogged.

As it stands its not to be, but defo something to save for. This last few days has been very useful for my thinking and outlook. I think sometimes in the past when ive not gambled for a while and I start to have a little excess money, its ended up being "gambling money". Its good to have focus with ones money something to save for.

Am avin a good day today. Lovely run this morning, then a sauna and food shopping. Am cooking a nice beef joint for when mate comes over. He's sort of invited himself, probably because he's got no food in the cupboards, cos the 3.45 at Wincanton (the other day) came second and he don't get his next lot of money till Wednesday.

I really don't mind feeding my friend though, ive been where he is at many times and his predicament (from a selfish point of view) is very good medicine for me. I also like cooking even though its quite basic. I will get myself a decent cook book one of these days.

Anyway that's me. Just to say am still reading others diaries and willing people on to better times. Keep focussed and gamble free everyone as I do the same. Warm regards.... S.A 🙂

Day 154

Another day passing gambling free. Tired I am and feeling melancholly. Slept badly, not sure why. Had a short run early on as wanted to get back to watch the London marathon. I would love to have been there. I watched it near the finish many years ago, cheering on the tail I did. I seem to remember that I was drunk I was. More of a drunk than a gambler back then. Nothing more to say.

Thanks for listening... S.A :-/

Hi SA,

A huge well done on 154 days gamble free, u r doing brilliant!

I hope u feel less tired soon!

Take care 🙂

Day 155... hey thanks Charlotte.

Am feeling more on a level today. No running, just need to chill as have a day off.

Am gonna try and not binge eat between now and the marathon. It will not be easy as when I get bored or stressed I tend to turn to food (better than gambling!) but not ideal. If I can lose a couple of pounds round the belly then that will be a good thing.

Not much else to say at this moment in time. I may post later in day as thoughts come along. No gambling, that's a good thing.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hey SA....thanks for popping in brave man...tee hee....

Y'know ..just dumping out the trash so I can be my sweet as pie self to joe public ; )

keep on running ....wow....all these marathons going on ...your cardio system must be in tip top condition

It's all about balance isn't it ? ....I haven't got any level balance yet as I have to still keep on the pendulum this side for a while longer ...

R and D xx

Love what you say on Rach's post.

All this talk about cars and mine has started kangarooing down the road misfiring and I am a required car user for work so you are so right not to go there unless you have back up money. I wasted my back up last week so just crossing my fingers at the moment.

Hope you had a relaxing day today.

xxx