Hope

Day 268 without a gamble of any kind. Its the safest way for me to be, given my history with gambling.

The debate within myself about "controlled gambling" ended some time ago. I don't gamble on anything anymore... that is my aim a day at a time only. That's not to say I don't struggle sometimes because I do struggle sometimes but the internal debate has ended.

To those who have previously got into trouble through gambling and have felt the financial, emotional and psychological consequences of their gambling but still struggle to decide whether to try and stop or not... you have my commiserations. Its not a nice place to be in. I understand that place well.

No gambling for me today. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 269... another day passing gambling free. Its been a productive day at work. Ive been given a deadline for my Nvq so hopefully that will give me a rocket up the a**e to get it done. It would be a shame not to complete it and better to feel like iv'e achieved something.

No gambling thoughts here. Ive red a little of the disagreements on here and thought about things in a positive way. At some point I will stop counting the days me thinks but not just yet.

Also I think that talking about the day to day and even the mundane has its place in recovery especially when your like me and you live alone. I except in my own mind that its the thoughts in my head that lead to the feelings that leads to me gambling. If by writing about stuff on here stops the process that leads to gambling then that can only be a good thing, even if that "stuff" appears irrelevant to the casual reader.

Whatever works, keep doing it. What other people think is none of my business. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Thanks for post and good wishes, appreciated. And well done on the 269 days.

Hey SA

Thanks for your post on my diary ...and yes the vibrancy of the forum kicks in now and then..

I am also not immune to engaging in activities for "a bit of sport " keeps the blood pumping ..

Keep on keeping on...and congrats in your well deserved determination to slay that b*****d aka betting .

R and D xx

Good morning S.A,

Fantastic news about work and your opportunity to progress:-)

You are big inspiration, keep up good work and carry on !

All the best and have a good day...and of course keep counting, it helps me a lot in this recovery:-)

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hey SA

thank you for being so candid ....I love also reading your story as you have " been there "..the only thing I know a lot rehab is from the TV and probably not a true representation,

I can also identify with what you say from "group" and 12 step meetings..

The personalities I have the hardest time with are the closed, withholding, stern type ...who don't give much away.

I'm the opposite as I am really open and warm when I meet people so meeting closed off folks scares me a bit because I can't "read " them and know where to pitch it.

What I have learned as you have too is to not judge a book by its cover..some of the most painful shares have come from the folks I would have least expected and once I understand that then it's as if all my caution barriers come down and I become their biggest protector...

funnily enough I saw a woman from AA the other day in the supermarket queue , she is not someone who I would call naturally approachable as most days she looks like a bulldog chewing a wasp....she didn't see me but I just went over and put my hand on her arm ( the whole anonymity thing) and she gave me the biggest smile..and patted my arm back...I sort of mouthed "are you ok? " and she nodded

She was having a bad day and I could see that as I have seen that look in meetings ..

Things like that really warm yer cockles as in real life our paths would never cross...a bit like on here I guess..

But we are all struggling with the same stuff underneath.

R and D xx

SA

Fella thanks for dropping by, as always it feeds my resolve to continue with my path of abstinence.

I do believe you take out of recovery what you put in and I salute you for the efforts you make in not only your own recovery but that of other folk too.

we are all like minded and the humility that abstinence gifts I will be ever greatful for.

Keep doing what works, me I am honoured to share the time.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi SA

Congrats on the days- you're doing great 🙂

The SVQ will be worth the effort- you have proven that hard work reaps multiple benefits, as Duncs says in recovery, but I believe in life too.

Keep doing what you're doing cos its working for you!

Take care

Irene

x

Evening all and thank you for your supportive comments.

Day 271 without a penny gambled. I had to go and check how many days, cos i'd forgotten. I guess that's a good sign.

Nothing of any significance to say other than I am feeling a bit manic after a very mentally tiring week. Am going to run a training marathon in the morning. Lets do the whole thing. bring it on! 😉 Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 272

Well I started running at 6.00 a.m on the dot and stopped at 9.48 a.m. How far I went I don't know, but I ran (or jogged depending on how you view these things) at a steady pace with no stops. I is chuffed to bits. Tis the longest training run iv'e ever done and it sure beats time spent standing in front of a slot machine!

Time for a little sleep me thinks. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Gordon Bennett! you must be army fit!

Day 273... 39 weeks or 9 months to the day without having gambled a single penny.

Just been reading what I wrote when I last gambled. Interestingly the 18th November 2012 also fell on a Sunday and the gambling binge followed my drunkenness on the Saturday night. I stopped gambling at 2, 3 or 4 a.m on the Sunday when i'd run out of money of course!

I'd written about my frustrations of having gone for over a decade of trying to stop but never quite getting off the gambling merry go round. I ask myself what's changed since I wrote those thoughts???

I think perhaps the main thing is that am less stressed. I no longer have a narcissist for a boss and I think that's helped. I have been able to cope better with stress than I was back then. That's what my gamblings about really... a reaction to some form of stress, usually when I end up feel rubbish about myself or consumed with anger at myself or others. It builds up over time and then "bang" am feeding the machines once more.

Am I now in recovery?? Not a straight forward question to answer, because recovery in my mind involves change, a change of lifestyle, a change of thinking and outlook and to be honest I question how much I have really changed.

When all is said and done I have once more recreated my past a past which ultimately led to addiction. I am still reclusive, I am still alone, I still find it very hard to seek support (other than here) I still work at the challenging end of care and I still indulge in other behaviours of an escapist flavour.

Am just saying it as it is..as I see it. Its a reminder for me not to get complacent. I am abstaining from gambling and doing a good job of abstaining and for that I give myself a big pat on the back. I am not "in" recovery though. I feel like am treading water with a desire to move into recovery but I have not made that break through yet!

Recovery for me implies contentedness and genuine feelings of well being that last more than half a day. Recovery implies forward momentum and a clear idea of where one is going and what one wants to achieve. Recovery for me implies a complete break with the past. I have not completely broken with my past yet!

I am not beating myself up. I am not being overly hard on myself. I am just being realistic and looking at the cold hard facts of my life and how I am living it here and now. I am open to change if only I could find the opening.

No gambling for me today. Thanks for listening.... S.A 🙂

Hey S.A,

Well, really big congrats for going strong and reaching 9 months mark! Fantastic, your determination shines through.

I'm affraid change is the hardest thing in Life, but it's surely needed. It makes everything so much easier.

I know i need a change too, i can't make myself to go out socialising still, but i try to make that change and break through.

For now just day at a time and as long as we stay strong we coming out as a winners !

Be proud of yourself! All the best

Sandra x

Day 274... another day passing gambling free. Another days abstinence.

Am stressed today. Work stress, client stress. We have one client who is quick and strong. New staff don't appreciate that they need to be on the ball. They learn the hard way. And I tell you something else am gonna sort out the child locks on one of the vehicles, cos they don't blumin work. Client opens door, parked car nearly gets a clatter. Also we have a number of staff at the moment who sit and do very little. It P****s me off.

Having said all of that all I can do is concentrate on me and do my best, which I continue to do. It would be much harder to be able to cope with my work if I was gambling and consumed with thoughts like "how do I pay my rent?" or "how do I make £10 last 10 days?" or "will that direct debit bounce or will the bank let it through?"

When I don't gamble I live normally, pay my bills and budget and save a little, just like most of the population. Ive always been good with money until I gamble. When I gamble I am utterly reckless with no thought for the consequences of putting a months wage into the machines with a week or two.

Thankfully I don't live in that world anymore and whilst I may get stressed out with work and stuff am still in a much better place than I was. Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

You know, your job has been P is sing you off for a really long time, and it's a credit to you that it hasn't dragged you down. I mean, how resilient are you?! You seem to be able to offload, then more or less let it go.

I do envy that about you. I'm not great at letting things go, and starting fresh with people. I can stop being angry quite quickly, but I continue to be wary of that person, and never quite let my guard down and trust again. I politely go through the motions as best I can, but the way I relate to them will always be informed by what went before.

I think your way is much better, because you can move on, and get on with people so much better. I guess you are better at forgiveness. Something I'd like to improve in myself.

f x