Hope

Please don't give up on me. Ive been gambling out of control since Monday and now it really is as bad as you could imagine. I am now at rock bottom, once more. If somebody handed me a gun, i'd think seriously about topping myself (the ulitmate selfish act) and then not do it, cos i'd feel guilty and ashamed of that as well!

A couple of days ago i'd lost all hope and had given up, but now the tiny flicker of hope returns. Am thinking about that programme "A year to save my life". Am at the start of that journey even though I started this journal years ago.

Thanks for listening... from a very sad and depressed and panicky S.A... but I can get back on track

Hi SA,

I am sorry to read that you are having a tough time of it at the moment. I too am re-starting my fight against gambling after falling off the horse a number of times. We CAN and MUST continue to fight this illness. We have so much to live for.

With my very best wishes.

Dave

Hi SA,

Sorry to read you have blipped, but as you say you CAN get back on track, and you will.

Stay strong dust yourself off and keep going forwards fighting this awful addiction.

Sending you positive thoughts

Suzanne xx

Please say something. .i'm not giving up on you!!!..my friend, dear soldier and companion in this walk...to be honest your last post pearced my heart. Why? Because i can feel what you feel....grab my hand SA...let's keep walking. .giving up is not an option..never was and never will be. For the better tomorrow my friend!!! Let's show the world what we're made of and no freaking gambling will stop us in achieving what we so deserve...hugs....Sandra x

Thank you for your support folks. Am pleased to say that I haven't gambled since my last entry but am still in shock at what ive done to myself yet again. Trying to calm myself. It is not easy. Many problems lie ahead that am not able or willing to look at yet

As you say Sandra, giving up trying to give up is not an option.... so yes, on we go. Life goes on regardless. No gambling. Thanks again.. S.A

Morning S A.

So sorry to read about your recent troubles.

You were one of the first to welcome me to this forum 5 years ago. In that time you have learnt considerably more than I have about this affliction and abstained for periods I could only wish for.

With what you have learnt about yourself you are certainly well positioned to move forward in this next stage of your recovery. Blips, after all, are a part of the recovery journey.

One day at a time my friend, think no further ahead than that.

I wish you well.

M

SA

fella I am sorry to read that addiction once again broke through the defences and reaped havoc upon your life.

I know the effort you have gifted recovery in my time here will show you the way back through those doors that revolve my friend,learn from your latest episode,don't punish yourself.

Like me you are a compulsive gambler,you did not choose addiction it choose you.

Be kind to youself,we both know addiction hate's it.

You will win the war fella,of that I am sure.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

No gambling since my last post.

I appreciate your thoughts Mrt. Like you say just one day at a time.

Am soo f****d off with myself. A grown adult feeding £20 notes into machines. Such a stupid stupid thing to do and yet I did it once more. It wasn't fun, it was just a stubborn childish action to try and make these things pay me.... and yes just a way to switch off from my crappy life.

Don't be too hard on yourself some of you maybe thinking. Well actually i think I f*****g well should be hard on myself. I clearly haven't learnt from the past 15 years of wasted time.

I just feeling like a b*m, a J****E... I should spend my days sitting on park benches doing nothing. Waste of f****n space.

The above needed to be said. Give myself a right royal kick up the f****n a**e. Take recovery seriously your numpty!!

S.A

Thanks dunc's. Are posts over lapped.

I appreciate what you say. Am not able to be kind to myself yet.

But I will win this funking war!!

Enough is enough

For f**k sake!

SA

fella that post that overlapped raised a huge smile.

You are the only one who can give yourself that kick up the backside.

After the last punt I had,the humiliation that it brought with it,the folk saying 'see you will never stop'

I did the self same thing

From it I today do know that for me gambling is a totally unacceptable event.

My advice go sit on a park bench with those folk who have knowhere else,I do it often these days,gift what I can,without judgement,because the truth is SA, I was one punt from being there too.

Good to have you back!!!

Duncs.

Good morning SA. That's a spirit man!!! 🙂 Really good to see you back in this mindset. ..and so true...enough playing games with the devil..time to give ourselves what we really deserve - life. Here with you all the way!! Stay safe my friend, and be kind to you xxx

Hi SA,

Strong words but very positive, well done, determination and strength, one day at a time,

Keep posting, you have a lot of support here, use everything you can get to build that wall up to kick that awful addiction, into outer space, and good fxcking riddance, it hates that.

Suzanne xx

No gambling since my last post.

Its been a difficult day. My mate has had his pension lump sum come through and is gambling heavilly and mostly winning from what i can see. I found myself sitting in a pub with him, whilst he went out every few minutes to place his bets. He is in "generous mode" and is paying for everything "food drink etc" which I can understand in a way after he having lived a hand to mouth existence for many years. He decided he wanted to buy me some table and chairs, so now I am having table and chairs delivered, which i don't particularly want (living in a 1 bedroom flat with not much room) but I wasn't able to say no to. He is well meaning and a kind man in his own way but its been hard for me. Its been hard to not get sucked into more gambling, with horses and sports bets, especially given how precarious my whole financial situation is.

Anyway I didn't gamble. We parted company and although I am feeling depressed I am not tempted (as i type) to go and try and win money.

Am back to the stresses of work on Wednesday, which is good because I will be earning some money and good because it fills time and I will be back on the "feeling knackered" because of all the cycling. I think its no surprise that in the first 8 weeks of term I didn't gamble and wasn't tempted partly becuase my time was filled and i was too tired to do much.

Onwards... S.A

Hi SA,

Firstly, sorry to hear you slipped with gambling over the weekend, free time was always a bane to me too when the temptations were raging, at times work is the refuge from all the other problems going on.

When I have relapsed in the past, fighting the addiction has seemed like building a house of cards, one that kept getting knocked down. Nothing to do but keep on picking those cards up. I know that this is a battle you can win though, and hope those Wednesday "stresses" aren't too bad.

Ryan

SA,

I just wanted to add my support and encouragement to your ongoing fight. This morning is Day 1, again, for me. I can relate with your journey and how frustrated you are with yourself. A year ago I made an oath on my families life to stop and then broke it 137 days later. I hate what I am when I gamble. I managed to stop for 41 days this time. I was surprised to learn recently that this addiction is not just in your head but that it is also a physical addiction. Your body craves that rush of chemicals and will trick you into using again. Unfortunately, in terms of addiction, we are exactly like the junkies in the park. However the fact that we are here and trying to beat this thing has to mean something. You have had a such a strong recovery and helped so many people with your support and comments. I just wanted to let you know that your posts have helped me too. Stay strong and keep moving forward.

Mark