Hope

Morning S.A.

Keep posting fella, you know it works when you let it out.

Hear from you soon hopefully

M

Thanks, thanks and thanks again everyone. Your support is much appreciated as always.

Pleased to say that no gambling since my last post.

Its as if my compulisve gambler switch has been reset to the OFF position once more.

Ive done 3 days of hard work and I am beginning to calm myself knowing that i have earn't some money and am slowly bringing myself back from the edge.

Psychologically I have seemingly recovered very very quickly. From a point on Sunday where I just wanted to be run over or shot dead or something else equally dramatic and life ending... i now feel resolute and determined and wanting to carry on and most importantly carry on being gambling free. It really does feel like a Jeckle and Hyde type scenario. Its wierd. I feel wierd. I probably am wierd... but kind of ok, despite the hole I have dug for myself.

My lastest setback feels like the continuation of my August setback. I never did come to terms with money lost and self-esteem lost and so addiction had a hold of me. I was the greater part of 2 years clean and then when i fell I fell along way.

Thinking about it, I go into a complete panic when i gamble. My whole thought process just goes into over drive and i go into meltdown. Its scary when it happens. Logical realistic thinking just goes out the window and flys away. I feel just fine today.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Glad to read you're feeling a little bit better about things, and that you can see how you react to gambling. I'm not sure if that would reduce the temptation, but at least you know what you're up against. That edge that you're pulling back from, I'm glad you could get away from it and that you have resolved yourself to beating this once again. Whack a bit of duck tape over that switch to keep it at off.

As for being weird, I wouldn't be too concerned about it. An ex of mine once said that I was weird in a good way, which frankly is one step above just plain old weird, which most people think I am. If we were all straight down the middle with no quirks, this world would be a rather dull place.

Ryan

Hi SA,

Can't say much more than what Ryan has said, except the only weird thing in your post is the way you spelt it lol.

Soooo pleased you are back on the right track, and not letting this addiction get you down, and why should you, you are in recovery and you are winning,

Suzanne xx

Hey SA, good to see you bouncing back from that little blip on Sunday. That's all we can do..try and try again...eventually we will succeed, because we don't want to jeopardise our lives, and self inflict pain anymore. Enough of that, time to move on and look ahead. Keep up the good work and have a lovely weekend. Be kind to you. S x

....still listening, you can't get rid of us this easily 🙂 .. have a lovely and peaceful weekend, believe and good things will never stop happening, you are simply worth them all. S x

Thanks folks... pleased to report that no gambling since my last entry.

Its not without thoughts though. Today is not an easy day, with time on my hands after a long tiring week at work earning some money to start digging myself out of the hole that I dug. Memories are still fresh and not just the misery of losing. What if questions pass through my mind. If only this and if only that. Perhaps this time I will strike lucky and walk away quids in. Its b******s it is, its just b******s to live this way... like waiting for the next moment of weakness to arrive.

I will go for a run this afternoon. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi Ya S.A,

I know what you mean. When still fresh from the stint the adled gambling brain still clings to fantasies about winning. But, that's all they are - fantasies right? Why? Because number one jackpots are one in a million and, even if we did win we wouldnt stop until the winnings were spent and our accounts were busted. Go for that run S.A. Stay away from that rat hole. I will too. We dont need more s**t in our lives. I agree, it is bullsh*t having to live this way but, these kinds of urges will pass with time. Hang in there friend! (((((S.A))))) -joan

Had that winning streak this week but did I walk out with it - not a chance in hell - lost the lot and more besides.

The only way we can win is to never go there in the first place.

As Joan says 'hang in there' and I will be up there alongside.

xxx

Well yes ive hung on in there. No gambling since my last post. Going for a run yesterday certainly helped. Got home and enjoyed that feel good factor from having done some exercise.

My resolve not to gamble was strong for 2 or 3 hours and then I switch on the telly to see some woman holding a big fat cheque above her head saying it was the "best day of her life" (she'd just one some lottery) and then "thoughts" of doing the "lottery only" entered my head and so I returned to the "internal struggle" that is gambling addiction. I did not succumb. Oddly enough I haven't actually done any sort of lottery for a decade now. Thats a long time.

Today is a lazy Sunday. As a minimum I aim to drag my clothes out the tumble dryer where they have been languishing for several days now. I think they are dry, or maybe not. No urge to go out or stay in and gamble as i type. Onwards... S.A

Hi SA,

Well done for not giving in.

Have a good lazy Sunday and stay strong.

Suzanne xx

SA

fella glad to read you internal battle with addiction continues to be won by the rational side of the brain.I relate greatly to that new title of your thread,it rocks me straight back to my gambling life,I do believe every day I boarded the same train which had one destination and that was it headed straight for the cliff,rather than put the brakes on and slow it down I relentlessly piled the coal into the furnace,that 'oh well f**k it' attitude right up until the point where the funds ran out,meaning that the train slowed just enough to miss the cliff,turn at the very last second.

How did I feel each day,oh yes for a period I felt remorse,self loathing even suicidal but good old addiction would pick me up and whisper sweet nothings about how everything would change,how all I needed was more funds and look at the 'lucky' escape I had just had in not plunging over the cliff!!

Addiction would in the the end convince my thinking into believing it was ok to 'lose'

Today I still board that train,it still drives toward that cliff,it's just that I know if I keep my hard earned in my pocket the ride doesn't speed up and danger is averted. Yes the consequences are 'No buzz' some might even say that life becomes boring or normal.

I laugh at that because I will be honest I am anything but normal,but hey that's a story for another day lol.

Keep making the decision not to throw your hard earned into the furnace fella, because you are simply worth more than that.

Lastly you said that you gambled online last week, is this something new,I don't recall you gambling that way before??

If so I hope you have in the course of handing the arena back to your rational self you have put the right blocks in place.

AS always look after your self.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks SA yes online slots are the Pitts, they swallow hundreds of our pounds in minutes.

Take care

Suzannexx

Hi SA,

Thank you for your kind thoughts upon my tread..d**n it's like a relief knowing that my mind works similar to others lol (that's a good thing i mean). I am torn with myself to be honest. I know we have to be kind to ourselves but at the same time keep that discipline intact. I guess it's a case of finding that balance.

Riding the storm out..we know how to do it! We did it before and can do it again. Day at a time..that's the only way to go and allow the days build up. We both know that it gets easier..definitely. just need to stick to it and hold strength we have. That's why we are here my friend, we are in recovery with like minded folks, we are not alone and if it takes some pressure of the shoulders sharing our thoughts - it is working and it is a progress. Together we stand, stay connected and i shall too...every day we abstain, we are getting closer to reaching for that peace of mind.

Well done my friend, stay safe.

As of the running, well truly miss that but batteries didn't recharge fully to get out today...but tomorrow is another day 🙂
Glad you keep gifting yourself medicine inside out. It's only for the better.

Progress not perfection. .let's do it soldier!

Sandra x

Thanks all and pleased to report that no gambling since my last entry.

It was hard to will myself out of bed this morning. It was dark, wet and miserable outside. But get out of bed I did and cycle 8 miles I did and do a days work i did. Its what I have to do, its what i need to do to earn money to carry on living my life and pay my way.

Money is a necessary commodity to function and 99% of the time I give it its due respect. Its just that 1% of the time when i throw it away like it has no value whatsoever, when it becomes merely a piece of paper with a picture of the queen on it. Its like 1% of the time I am a sick human being but 99% of the time I am not. But that 1% of the time needs to go to 0% because that 1% of the time stops me moving forward.

The money i had saved that could have gone towards getting a car is now history, gone, kaput, no more, paying for some gambling bosses week away. O dear, s**t happens eh. Living on the edge. Trouble is I don't like living on the edge, its hard, its scary and am tired of it... soo tired. I feel sad.

Thanks for listening... S.A