Hope

Hey, remember how you worked yourself up into a state over the contract...Just focus on the todays S.A. you are doing great 🙂

I don't know your management but I know mine & yesterday's emails are like old newspapers, largely unread! What matters is the children & you know you give them what they need so stuff the idiots that hand out the certificates & don't have the sense to make them out of rice paper or serve them with dips (as our urges should be eaten - you did make me chuckle)!

I occasionally get up @ 0445 to get a train to work, not cycle 8 miles plus I finish early for those troubles & yet that can completely ruin my week...I wish people like yourself with such low esteem could see what strength others see in you, rather than the distorted reflection you get of yourself!

Good on you for making a decision for you & I am sure, without Mr Gamble clouding your judgement, you will figure out your next step when you are ready!

Keep fighting - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT, yourself and Freda the day before have helped to lift my self-esteem out of the toilet. I have something of a game plan when i speak with management tomorrow, and its basically says this...

"I am pleased with my performance over the last year as an LSW (state reasons why) but feel that the demands that the role has put on me is to much for me to do on a permanent basis (state reasons why) but I would be happy to take a temporary role as a teaching assistant for the Autumn term, whilst I consider my long term future" bla bla

... something like that anyway. I recognise that i need to earn money and teaching assistant would be 8.30 starts as opposed to 7 a.m.. which means up at 6.15 as opposed to 4.45... which is better!!.. alot better

It maybe that they not giving out temp posts this term and if so I will go back on the agency. We shall see what happens.

9 miles in the rain this morning... averaging 8.42 mins per mile. d**n watch wouldn't upload it to the Garmin website, which is a bit annoying, cos that was good pace for me.

Life goes on and despite low self-esteem and general miserableness (accept after runs) I have no urge to succumb to the gambling devil within.

thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Lol SA, I meant 4.45, hey you have taken a very big step to not attend that interview/ meeting, don't get stressed about this 2 week

Summer school, and don't feel rubbish, it's time to really think of you and what you want and what will get you out of your stress.

The amazing thing is at the end of it all, we do realise we can choose what is best for us and our lives, do exactly what you want to do about your job, you have done a very rewarding and amazing job (not many people would even negioate this job so you have proved yourself worthy and capable of such a responsible job) if you want to try something totally different, don't feel rubbish, go for it, you have a bit of time, ( but if you are anything like me it has to be now, if I am that unhappy in my job, else hanging on would just make me dither more, and then make the wrong choice, because it's hard to say NO. and I would feel even lower, but that is me, not trying to influence you in any way, but it might help to see how someone else who dithers when not happy at all in their job,

would LIKE to do .

Every thing is very much a day at a time, but time does go quickly, too,quick as we get older lol,

You have so much to give, please make sure you get some back for yourself because not only are you worth it,,you need it to survive, we all do, we can't just give and we can't just take.

After all this rambling 🙂 I really hope you have a good day tomorrow, what will be will be, but having said that you do have a choice with your job.

Take care ( oh and fantastic going on your gambling free days)

From one of your many followers on your hard journey.( your journey has and still does inspire me in mine more than you know.

Suzanne xxx

Day 93 gambling free.

I get what you mean Suzanne. Thanks for your considered thoughts.

I didn't sleep much last night, contemplating chat with management. As it turns out, management not about and it ended up being a really tedious day sitting doing nothing in one of the care homes, making tea for folks from time to time. It was a days pay though, musn't grumble. Nine more work get up's until the end of this stint of work and then a big blank canvas.... Am keeping things day at a time, cos otherwise its all a bit scary.

having a gamble just doesn't figure. Every penny I have now becomes precious.

My mate another Cg, went to the shopping centre to buy some decent glasses for his deteriorating sight but popped in the bookies before hand and "did his money" trying to win his glasses. Gambling addiction sucks.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Thanks SA,

Yes every penny is very precious,

I hope you have a good day,

Take care,

Suzanne xxx

Day 95 gambling free.

This extra two weeks summer school thing is proving harder than expected. Working with staff and students I don't really know. Feeling so tired and emotionally unstable. Struggling. Seven more get ups... I don't think I will make it. Feels like am slowly grinding to a halt in myself and everything.

Thanks for listening... S.A

You can make it & you will! I have not been around the site long but this is not the diary of the man you think you are...It is the diary of a man who is broken but has not allowed addiction to take his soul! Who has gotten up before the sparrows for too long now, to ride through whatever Mother Nature deems is her gift for the day, to benefits those who do not know how to say thank-you! A job that Miss Billy Big bollo x here with all her bravado could not do for one second, a job that takes every ounce of energy you have to give & then more! 7 more sleeps in comparison to where you have walked to get here today is a walk in the park my friend, you can prove that to yourself!

If it helps, I will put a message on your board every morning for you to read & know that we are behind you every step of the way!

Congratulations on your 95 days of winning, keep @ it - ODAAT

Hi SA,

Keep pushing dear friend. Your job is very challenging but you always meet your struggles head on! You are not alone and those 7 days will go as it always does..just look after yourself (sleep and food is priority) and come out through this fog.

Prob shouldn't mention this on here but so ya know i relate to your mental state and tiredness. Was trying to hide from the world myself this morning after work. Things topped my tiny roof (brain)...had a drink and was close to take something which helped me to sleep for a few days...bad thoughts but hey, we are survivers right...we are pushing through every s*** which comes across in our way...we are here and now, and we matter!..tiredness & stress & anxiety & all the rest pushes us to the corner, ....we cannot let negativity take over - fact!

95 days of making the right choice..keep at it, we both know that things will get better!

Alongside you all the way!

S x

I'm guessing you would have found your way here if you didn't manage today's get up so...Six more get ups S.A. & a weekend of lie-ins (I hope) after this one 🙂

Whenever you think you can't move forwards, glance back @ where you have come from & then put one foot in front of the other! I admire your strength & know you can do anything you put your mind to - ODAAT

Day 97 gamble free.

Thank you both.. your thoughts mean alot.

I better get to work. I feel tired & lost but determined not to relapse.

More over the weekend... S.A

Hi SA,

97 days, well done you,

Sending you positive and strong thoughts to have a good day at work,

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

Hope all is good with yourself and you're looking after you. Keep pushing man and take things easy..rest, eat and repeat 🙂

Am more than sure you just physically exhausted and will wait for your check in when ya get ur energy back.

For now..keep looking after no 1 - YOU

Sandra x

Ps...if you keep the mantra every morning when ya wake up and say I WILL NOT GAMBLE TODAY, that might be a little extra push to fight those urges off!! You're doing it and you're stronger than before!

Relapsed, same old story... much alcohol then a 24 hour arcade.

I am self-excluded from it but I nonetheless chose to walk in and gamble anyway and nobody batted an eyelid. Why should they I haven't been in this place for a long while. Staff change. I take full responsibility.

I of course feel all the usual let down emotions and feel panicked because of money lost... bla bla

but life goes on...

it is was it is and I am what I am

some of us just don't quite make it

Hey you!

Listen, s**t happens..i wish we could take some fookity f**k pills to ignore the reality...but we are here and now..shouder to shoulder...never giving up on this journey!
Stand back up my friend, you are hurt but not beaten - never will be
..baby steps remember?

Slips..blah f*****g blah...as i said s*** happens but that's how we learn

(((((((SA))))))

Be kind to yourself

S x

Dear S.A
It doesnt have to be this way. I know that freedom from your pain may seem an impossible obstacle to overcome at this moment, but contrary to popular belief people can change. Its not easy, addicts know this more than most. I spent 30 years believing it was not possible, that this was my life, that i am what i am. That was the lie that kept me in my cycle of self abuse for all those years. I found away to stop listening to that lie, that i could become more than i thought i was. Where you find your truth i cant say. I just know it is out there if you can find the courage to look for it.

Dan x