Hope

Hey SA,

The S***e can hit the fan a number of times, but we always clean the fan and carry on, I wished I could give you a magic pill, but I can't, but I can give you my ongoing unconditional support, as dear Sandra says , be kind to you, you come first.

(((((SA)))))))

Suzanne xxx

Did those choices you made take away your pain or were you just hitting the self destruct button afraid of this up & coming milestone? Just because you feel you have failed all of your life doesn't mean you should fear success! S.A. you have without doubt achieved so much since I have been on this journey with you, you need to stop being afraid of winning!

Sounds to me like you are treading a very lonely path @ the moment & lonely is a destructive emotion. I don't know how you intend to move forwards, whether you are ready to face your 5 more get ups head on like you have tackled your last few months or whether you are going to give this up as a bad job but I do know that you have the choice! It may not feel like it but only you can control where you go from here. You are exhausted! Exhausted from the tiredness, exhausted by the pain & @ the moment exhausted from the effort of living your life...You must get help! The running only gives you temporary relief, you need to figure out ways to relax so that your body can recover from the stress it is under!

Once again, I applaud your strength in coming straight back here & I KNOW you will find a way to keep going forwards. You have to be as selfish as this addiction is & start making the right choices for you, even if you're not quite sure what they are yet!

Keep fighting S.A. - ODAAT

Thanks recovery friends... as always your thoughts help alot.... am trying to stabalise myself once more. Actually sleeping last night and removing the last effects of the alcohol certainly helps.

I'd texted my friend yesterday to tell him of my relapse (he's also a Cg). This morning he rings me for a chat and to see that I have money for food. he gets the whole addiction thing, as do you guys. It was only the other week that I was doing the same for him. I put a photo of me and him online after the last run race we did with medals etc. Within the hour someone had clicked the like button from work and then asked if I got the job. I decided to be honest and say that i'd pulled out cos I was "burn't out from all the mega early mornings, cycling and the demands of the job" knowing only to well that a whole host of other work people, friends and family would also read it.... am not sure it was a wise thing to do, but am not feeling very wise at the moment. What is done is done, so to hell with it.

The gambling ODAAT was a highly impulsive moment of "f**k it" after several pints of Hooegarden. It had actually been a nice evening, watching a play going on on the top floor of a pub after a couple of hours of drinking in the pub proper. After the performance we came back down the stairs to the main bar except that my friend got delayed chatting to someone and this other person we were with went off to the loo. I was then on my own just for a few mins and in that time I went from no urge to gamble, gambling not even having crossed my mind, to a raging urge just to walk out the door and go gamble, with no thought for the consequences. This is exactly what i did.

I remember walking in and losing £20 within seconds. I spent literally the rest of the evening and the whole of the night, chasing that £20 and left alot more down and walking into the sunshine at 8 a.m completely frazzled for want of a better word, very thirsty and very hungover and i probably smelled to. I still had some money in my pocket amazingly enough, but it didn't mean anything, I was still well out of pocket as i was to discover when i went to the cash point. Its then that the panick started that awful after gambling, end of the world moment. Full amount with drawn beofre 12pm and full amount withdrawn after 12... o s**t. I wondered around for a bit, nursed a cup of tea in Mcdonalds and then the walk of shame to the bus stop. A last thought of more gambling but by then I was physically and emotionally exhausted and even the gambling devil within had had enough.

I managed to pick the slower bus home which must have taken an hour an halve. I was the only person upstairs, trying to sleep for the journey but unable to do so. I got home for 10 a.m and in all honesty i put the computer on and watched some P**n, such was my need to escapt my thoughts and what i'd been doing. I couldn't face my own thoughts, escape was what i wanted. The rest of saturday was of course a right off.

What ive described is a typical gambling episode for me, every few months I gambling binge myself silly usually staying up all night and then I start over, rebuilding once again. Trouble is when youve been doing this for as long as i have it becomes harder to recover. As more time passes I become more jaded, more depressed, more lonely, ever so lonely. I become sad, it becomes hard to smile, it becomes hard to speak. I feel as if i have nothing left to say. i become silent.

It has been 30 years of the machines, that is if we include the endless hours spenty as a young teenager on the space invader games in the arcades, all pocket money and birthday money consumed.... 30 years. I am broken, hold up in a one bedroom flat, piles of washing up, piles of clothes, dust and grime, alone with my thoughts, disapearing up my own a**e.lol ...even i had to laugh at that. 😉

Thanks for listening

Life goes on.

What are you beating yourself up for though? What you describe is no different to what I did, what my mum still does, without the alcohol numbing our senses (& I guess the P**n to escape afterwards although I can only truly speak for myself here)! It is normal behaviour for a CG & half the battle in recovery is moving away from our mistakes! The financial damages caused by gambling & the psychological caused by the slip is punishment enough so please stop kicking yourself! You left with money too, I fell asleep on the motorway once (drove right into the central res, survived, thank goodness) but I remember @ the time thinking, that wouldn't have happened if I'd been in a gambling shop! I've spent every last penny so that I can't get my car out of the car park (no money for bus fare), had to walk miles home & go back the next day, paying the overnight fee! I don't ever remember leaving with money!

I know what 30 years feel like, if I count the Pacman (I was more rubbish @ Space Invaders than I was @ gambling) it's even longer but, I am doing it so recovery really is possible! Obviously our lives are very different, our personalities more so but until you learn to love yourself, or @ least like you, & make choices for you the addiction will always be there with it's fake comfort blanket! It's bull, it gives us nothing but headaches & it makes no sense to anyone how it can have such a powerful hold over us when we hate it so much but the truth is, despite the pain, it offers us the fairytale! We don't hate gambling, we hate losing but because we cannot stop, losing is all there is for us 🙁

What about trying a different approach, next time you go out to get smashed, leave your bank card @ home...A bus journey back to collect it will hopefully be the distraction you need to sober up enough to think straight! Reduce your daily withdrawal limit so if you get caught whistling the time away waiting for the bank to reset, there is a limit to the financial damage you can do?

Don't disappear there S.A. 😉 You have a roof over your head, put a load of washing on, if nothing else, the smell of clean clothes will be a break from the grime (I hope you don't still pong)!

For what it's worth, I think the stuff you put online was both wise & brave, people need to know how gruelling your life is! Sad thing is, they can be there but they can't change it! This was one crazy night, fuelled by alcohol, when you were really struggling with life, you came straight back to here so you haven't given up giving up, that's huge! You must never give up!

You can do this - ODAAT

Hi SA,

Thanks for your post, you have always supported me unconditionally since I have been on here, and your posts have always inspired me in every way.

I am listening and understand where you are coming from.

Ok you got wrecked, and the urge to gamble came from no where and was too strong, so you gambled, but as you say life goes on, (I hope you have cleaned that fan at least lol)

I think as CGs we all live life on the edge, because that button is always close by,

Time to stop underestimating you, dear SA, you are a lovely man, It's time to really look after you now,

(((( hugs)))) SA.

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

Keep venting it all out my friend. None of us are perfect but we have to keep trying.
I'm sorry I'm not too good support , am kinda exsisting recently (work pressure) but please if you want to talk, you know where to find me. Am just an email away.

Keep being kind to yourself and try to rest as much as you can

Sandra x

Ps. I will be looking forward to your check in next Friday...we are in this together!

SA

Fella hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?

For this fella looking over the fence it's not the gambling that needs focus here,that's purely a symptom of escape.

I know that need, for me today it comes through endless walking with my beloved hounds, I must look truly bizarre at times debating with myself whilst wandering with them, I know even they find it loathsome at times when I walk for hours battling with my thoughts and self questioning my actions, but that has become my own safety valve.

I am a social recluse, I don't enjoy anything that involves 'others' apart from those significant to me, this I know makes life for Sarah hard at times but I know she accepts that if I wear a mask to cover my feelings the ramifications will follow.

Your life had become painful on many levels recently, I fully understand your brains desire to seek it's own solice,addiction rode those emotions all the way to the bank quite literally.

You have walked in these shoes, you will again overcome what addiction left.

As always a pile of sh##it, but please take heart,you will shovel it,you will find continued abstinence, of that I am sure.

I offered before and happily unconditionally do again if you would like more support away from the forum I would willingly stand by your side.

I also hope that you put that washing on! Lol

Duncs stepping forward never back.

ODAAT... Usually I leave with absolutely nothing to. It was only complete exhaustion and fatigue that that took me out this time to begin the tedious journey home. I tend to dump the vary worst of my self defeating thoughts on here as opposed to the happy clappy stuff I put on facebook. I accept that whilst my life is a bit s**t, it could be alot worse and its pointless beating myself anymore than ive already done. The hard work now is to stop myself trying to win back some of my losses and focus on bettering my life instead.

Suzanne.... " I am a lovely man" Thanks for reminding me! 😉 I need to repeat that like a mantra 🙂

Sandra... I will keep venting. Keep venting too!... and yes i know where you are 😉

Dunc's.... I am a social recluse to, but ive been surprisingly social today. Chatting with my neighbours and also went to my mates for lunch. Am sure your hounds love you for your ranting! 🙂

Right... 5 more get ups. Lets see what tomorrow brings.

Thanks everyone. Ive bounced back very quickly this time. Normally its a good few days of melancholly

It matters not to me why you left, the fact of the matter is you did & so whether you like it or not, I think you're great 🙂

Brilliant work today too getting out there in the sunshine rather than sitting home feeling glum! That can't have been easy!

Now, I still have the alerts set on my phone so that I can post as promised on these 5 get ups, I'm stupidly rather proud that you have managed to lift your chin up & are pushing yourself through this week!

Never stop fighting! You will get there - ODAAT

Morning S.A. thanks for dropping by, it really means a lot that you did that for me!

Get up number 1 down (assuming you are safely tucked up in bed by now & not still up)...only 4 more to go 🙂 Keep breathing & doing what you do for the kids...They may not be able to show it but I am certain that they are pleased you are there with them!

R bless you ODAAT 🙂

Alas the get up doesn't count (according to the officials!)untill ive washed, dressed, got on my bike, cycled and arrived at place of work. Usually i'd be arriving at bike shed about now, but thankfully this summer school lark is 8.30 start as opposed to 7 a.m. Thank f**k for that!

So anyway by 8.30 it will be 4 more get ups.

Thanks for getting me to smile though! have a good day! 🙂 S.A

P.S the officals have reminded me that I might get up and then go back to bed, hence the arrival rule for the get up to count lol

Hey lovely man, good to see you have bounced back,

Have a good productive day,

Suzanne xxx

Bah, what do those officials know...They don't know you like we do & our S.A. when he starts something he doesn't give up! Lucky really coz there's cat in hell's chance of me opening enough of my eye to post to you @ 0830, alarm or not 😉

So, by that reasoning if you have dragged your r*e out of bed, then the arrival @ work is a foregone conclusion so 3 to go 🙂

Lol.. yes, 3 to go.

The gambling monkeys on my back though... whispering thoughts of winning back losses. Everytime I throw him off he just climbs back on again.

Just for today....

Life on the edge continues...

Run...Mr Gamble has no staying power & I don't imagine his monkey's up to what you can put it through 😉 Failing that, next time you throw him off, jump on him & doof doof until he can't get back up!

If I had to give you ha'penny for everytime I went chasing back my loses, I'd be poor & you'd be rich! That's exactly what got half of us here in the first place!

These early days after a blip always seem so incredibly hard to get through but you came out of this episode fighting so don't you give up now!