Hope

I just been reading through recent weeks in my diary. I ain't going to this interview or am I?. I just can't do it or can I ?. Ive spent 3 terms getting up at 4.45, cycling 8 miles and working with difficult kids all day. Yes ive made a difference to childrens lives for the better but at what cost to me personally??? .... tired, stressed, anxious and depressed and going to bed before 9p.m cos am so f****d. Its no life is it?? Ive been very resilient but do I really want to sign up for more of the same indefinately, purely for the sake of job security?? I think to myself well if I did manage to get a car and afford to run it, would it make things better??... I think the answer to that is... "a little bit"... I won't be so physically knackered but then I will be worse off money wise, with debt and I will still be working with kids that hit out when unhappy and do i really need that??

But then again am I just mentally beating myself up, cos i don't feel good enough, "as a person" and that i don't feel like I deserve job security, just destined to live a hand to mouth existence forever... life on the edge.

Am tired.

Feeling f****d up!!

f**k f**k f**k w**k f**k b******s

Thats better!!! 🙂

87 days since my last escape into the machines

Surprisingly... no urge to gamble

Hi Ya S.A.,

You are one of the diarists on here that I continue to follow because I feel as if we live in a similar universe. Misery loving it's own company? Maybe. Or, maybe, alot of folks struggling with "the reality" that we have all bought into do not bother writing about it. Kindof like Facebook.. the land of perpetual bliss. Rach and I used to tease about the Stepford Wives.... Anyway, I digress.. I believe in the power of positive thinking and all but, I also get that some days, some of us believe that we will be corporate slaves til the day we die. Will we be?? I don't know but, it's ok to feel disappointed and tired from time to time. It's ok. It's ok to be uncertain. It's ok. The opening line in your diary reads, "gambling sucks". That my friend is the plain truth. It sucks because for folks like us - it solves nothing. Once started we don't stop. Do we scramble some days looking for an escape from our pain? Of course we do. The problem is, we sometimes trick ourselves into thinking that gambling will solve our problems. We lie to ourselves. We believe the lies we tell ourselves. You know the truth S.A. All we can do in any given day is live up to our truth as best as we can. I admire you for your honesty. I admire you for your tenacity. I admire you because you are flawed and don't mind writing about it. I am helplessly flawed too my friend. But, gambling sucks and it brings nothing to the (on some days what feels like ) the already bare table but more misery and emptiness. I don't write much these days but, I read all of the time. Keep living and learning and being you. Wishing you continued strength. -joanxxx

Thanks Joan... I kinda need to be told "am ok" today.. cos I don't feel it.. my self-belief has gone. I am completely incapable of making a final decision about this job. I am wrestling with my mind so much that I have become exhausted and utterly dejected. I will be required to give a presentation on "supporting a student to learn" but I won't allow myself to think about what I may want to say. Its utterly self-defeating and time passes. Time stops for no one and it seems as if "time" will be the final arbitor. If I don't get on my bicycle at 7.30 a.m tomorrow morning, thats it, game over. No chance of this job by default. Failed to show.

Hi SA,

I sincerely hope today turns out how you want it to with work,

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Well, I think so. At some point in the middle of the night I left a message and sent an email saying I wasn't going to attend. Atleast I didn't show up with not even letting them know. Am just left feeling very tired and slightly relieved and rather guilty. In retrospect I kinda new all along that it wasn't for me, not long term anyway. I just woosh I could have handled it all a bit better and not got in such a tizzy. The trouble with asking lots of folks what they think I should do is that you get lots of different answers. People that don't know what ive been through with work and how ive felt about it will always say "but its a permanent contract, go for it" but then people who know me in person and see how tired and withdrawn and reclusive ive become say get the hell out!... and then theres the class teacher who says i'm really good with the kids and then there's me who doesn't know what he wants. Its hard to know how to be good to myself, am tired. Tired of feeling so flawed and inadequate.

The not gambling thing makes sense though. It turns a crisis into a nightmare. I have vivid memories of winning hundreds in an arcade only to shovel it all back in again. I have vivid memories of winning hundreds online only to click the mouse and lose it all. I am banned and i am blocked and I am motivated not to gamble.

and so life continues.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Just logged back in before I go to twerk lol, and just read your post.

I can see so much of how I dealt with various jobs, in your words. this probably isn't you, but in the past, I have had a variety of different types of jobs, could never stick at one for long, I was always wanting something else, (the grass is greener on the other side lol) and all that, of course it wasn't, it was me, I was unhappy within myself, no self confidence, so real self esteem, no real self worth I guess, and the way I left some

jobs was appalling really, I could not face any of my employers when I wanted to leave,

A couple of jobs, I just never went back, and others I went on the sick and never returned, some of these jobs were responsible jobs, too, the fact is I could not face any employer face to face when I left, obviously I did when I moved away to another area, I knew it was not right to feel like this, but I was younger and quickly shrugged these thoughts off and moved on.

No one who knows me would even think I lacked self confidence in myself, and I was lucky in my last job, the decision was nicely taken out of my hands I was made redundant, so I left with my head held high, instead of withering and withering about making a decision and facing it with confidence, these are probably not how you see things with yourself dear SA, but I thought this might help, reading someone else's, hang ups lol.

My recovery is helping me so much to understand me, (and trust me I am complicated :0

Do what you want to do whatever the weather, because it really is ok, to think of ourselves, and what we want.

Sos to ramble on your thread, must fly to twerk now else I will be looking for another job ohh, 🙂

My job is boring, stress free and part time, now, and do you know what SA, it just suits me at this time just fine lol

Take care

Suzanne xxx

yes Suzanne, am very similar with jobs. I don't think I have ever gone neatly from one job to the next, without a period of crisis in between. In my last job I went on the sick and then to the agency in a very disjointed fashion, in the job before that I resigned with nothing to go to and it was only the intervention of the doctor that prevented me from being sanctioned and not being able to claim, before that i'd been on incapacity benefit for 2 years and more and before that I just left my job to go into rehab before eventually resigning, before that I was temping for years and before that I just left a nursing course with nothing to go to, before that I left a full time job because i was bored and had nothing to go to and before that I was a full time volunteer and before that I left Uni with nothing to go to.

Of course what ive deliberately left out is the impact of my gambling and also in my teens and early twenties my drinking. Theyve both addled my brain. Theyve both knocked my self-esteem and self-confidence, but particualrly the gambling. It becomes much more difficult to make rational decisions when your up to your eye balls in debt and no food in the fridge. You just don't care anymore. I didn't care... well that is until I wanted to die!

Gets me thinking again about that FOBT chap in this "Britain at the bookies" documentary. Thats been me, when your hole world revolves around the next bet and having no money and no food just becomes normal as if everyone lives like that. You become very ill but you don't appreciate how ill youve actually become. The machines continue to seem like the solution as well as the problem. It doesn't seem like there is any alternative??... its all you know.

Thanks for listening.

More time on my hands just now. Am going from one extreme to the other. probably be posting lots

More thoughts.

Its the first bet that does the damage, however insignificant that bet might be. I trully believe that.

It starts the ball rolling.

Ive seen it happen with myself and with others.

You have a wee bet and then try to convince yourself that either

a. it didn't happen or

b. its inconsequential and irrelevant cos it was of such low monetary value.

But in reality it changes things because now youve had that bet you have to start lying. Lying to yourself and lying to others.

Somebody asks you whether youve had a bet and you say NO... but unless you have no conscience at all, it eats away at you "just a little bit", especially if you have a diary on here or go to G.A and/or have loved ones who have been affected by your gambling... it eats away at you "just a little bit."

So the first bet, leads to the first lie, which eats away at you and before you know it, youve had another bet cos you think...

"well its just a quid and what harm can it do".

Maybe just maybe my gambling wasn't really that bad after all or it will be different this time.... and so the cycle begins again.

As far as NOT gambling goes it makes sense to me today.

The first bet does the damage

Just for today...

thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Thank you for your kind words..sorry I'm the group of ppl not knowing you lol cause if my memory serves me right (wouldn't count on that) i suggested you going for that place in my email yesterday..and what do i know! Lol..i am only glad you made a choice you were comfortable with..that washing machine brain is tirening at a times..you think and overthink but at the end of the day there is only two options - yes or no...crazy huh lol..why we tend to work ourselves up like no tomorrow and then make a move last minute so all those ruff waters subsides in a blink of the eye...life i guess...full of curve balls and most of those we tend to chuck on ourselves..

I feel like rambling and i guess you agree 🙂

Thank you for joining the challenge..my knees are wobbly now cause i didn't expect such a big interest from ppl..i guess i best get my paper out (black book i have lol) and start noting things down 🙂

Good to have you here alongside me, thank you again..you bring me peace and more confidence !

Still rambling...ok...
Have a good day and well done on your g free days, keep them coming! You are doing it

Sandra x

Have been missing in action and just wanted to say what a relief to visit and find you still offering the gift of your thoughts to us.

xxx

Day 89 gambling free.. and thanks both, good to see you back Dragonfly. 🙂

Ive been flicking through the pages of my diary for the last year. Its been sobering reading. Since August 2014 ive been messing up on a regular basis, never managing more than a few weeks gamble free. I am now reaching my longest gamble free period in the last year and I have no intention of messing up again. Some of the things I have written are very sad. The ramblings of a desparate man in emotional turmoil.

Whatever I do or don't do in the next few weeks and months I fully intend to stay gamble free and that will be an acheivement in itself.

Its so nice not getting up at 4.45 a.m

Thanks for listening... S.A

90 days today SA, yes it is nice not to get up for work at 5.45am lol

Have a good calm day.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne... and you mean 4.45 a.m, if I got up at 5.45 a.m I would have been late lol

Another 3 month stint off it to add to all the other 3 month stints over the years. Of course it doesn't mean anything if I then go on to gamble.

I don;t want to gamble but I need to keep working recovery. Today am starting to feel a bit stressed about going back to do a two week block of work having not gone for the interview for the perm position. Questions will be asked to which I have no proper answers other than "had a bit of a meltdown". I will show up though, its 8.30 starts as opposed to 7a.m and of course earning some money is always a good thing.

As yet I have no idea what i will do to earn money after these 2 weeks finish, such is my life "living on the edge."

Ive been spending a bit of time chatting with my neighbours now that ive been around in the day time. Its been nice. Its only me that works in the block and they all think ive made a good decision in not going to that interview. They can't believe what ive been prepared to do in the name of going to work. One of my neighbours is building a green house, another was potting his plants and a third was playing with his dog. I just sat and watched.

One of these days I will find a nice balance between work and not work. I do need to work, I can't not work (for any length of time) but my attitude to money is slowly shifting. Money is not the be all and end all. As long as i have enough for necessities and a little extra, thats fine. I want a life and not to feel f****d from work all the time.

Things will work out

Thanks for listening... S.A

HI SA,

I've been avoiding catching up on diaries until I have had the time to read them properly and catch up properly - instead of just reading their last entry.

I want to give you a huge hug, if you will let me? A long, tight, soothing hug that you can stay in for as long as you need. I am really, really, proud of you. Not attending that interview, was interrupting the cycle - and I completely get how difficult that is to do. When I read that, I did a fist pump in the air and started grinning! You chose you. That. Is. Huge.

Have you ever tried meditation? It is not for everyone, but it really helps you to listen to yourself.

As far as I'm concerned, even if you spend the whole summer in bed watching reruns of "My name is Earl" you have made huge bounds in progress with that one action of saying a gracious "no". Take some time to reflect on that, and give yourself a high five 😀

f x

Day 91 gambling free... the longest gamble free stretch ive done in the last 12 months.

Freda, what a lovely post. Lifted my spirits for a good while it did. thankyou. "Interrupting the cycle"... quite literally as it happens. Saying a gracious "no". Like you say I need time to reflect on it. I don't want the job because of the physical and mental demands it places upon me. I think thats the bottom line.

Its not all over yet however and am dreading going back in on Monday for 2 weeks summer school and "having a conversation with management" especially after the email i'd sent to hr which I agreed could be forwarded to whomever. What will be is what will be i suppose. I do feel rubbish.

No thoughts of gambling. The thought of walking into a gambling hell hole and feeding notes into a machine, just doesn't equate anymore. Its akin to stabbing myself in the arm. The thought of transferring money to an online gambling site, just doesn't equate anymore. Its akin to stabbing myself in the arm. Exclusions and blocks add an extra layer of protection.

Thanks for listening... S.A