Hope

Good morning SA,

How are you feeling today? I hope good sleep followed after your tough week, and look at you - you made it!
Nice and steady my friend, one foot in front of another.

I am not sure what you have decide with the challenge. Please check in if you can and want to and i will be waiting patiently for your update on ur weekend ☺

Look after yourself

Sandra x

Self-destructed again yesterday. Am afraid your kind and thoughtful words fell on deaf ears. The gambling monkey got his way.

I use to be fairly stable in recovery. Ive done a year gambling free "3 times" and on one of those occasions I got up to 2 years and 9 months plus.

But now am back to square one once again. Self esteem flushed down the toilet and in a financial mess.

If there is such a thing as a "diary of a compulsive gambler".. then this is it.

I think I will go to the doctors on Monday. Get myself back on some anti-depressants. They seemed to help last time. Its a start.

I think that was always going to be the case S.A 🙁 You can't beat this addiction alone & alone is how you must feel putting on a brave face for the rest of the world 🙁

The doctors is a great start but having access to any money is a really bad idea when you are so vulnerable & low! Can you get a credit card that doesn't allow cash withdrawals (it was the case when I used them that they would only accept debit cards in the shops) & put a £50 limit on it so you can't go crazy getting into more debt? I'm sorry but I am not up to speed with your diary...Can you hand your money over to a loved one? Are you even excluded from the place(s) you have caused this additional destruction? If not, get it done! You now have some time on your hands to get to counselling/GA...Have a look back & see what worked before because something did!

You've not had a great deal of self esteem since I've been following you so the only real damage done is financial & you know how to live on pennies! Get yourself cleaned up, get your flat cleaned up & on Monday, get down to the Job Centre, nothing changes if nothing changes & whilst it's going to take monumental effort on your behalf, recovery is possible - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT.... you can draw a horse to water but you can't make it drink... like you say "nothing changes if nothing changes"

Only I can help myself.

Tired of...

Day 2

Its like there is nothing left to say.....

A big nothing.

After all these years of stop start recovery.... I grow extremely weary

A life unlived. Its very sad.

No need to reply. Its just the let down emotions from my two recent gambling binges.

Sooner or later the self-destruct switch will be reset to OFF

Hi SA,

We just gotta keep trying ok! You will find what you're looking for and all will fall bk to places..don't tell me it's too late..it never is, never too late to start living again!

Why don't you start it by checking in to the challenge today and commit on the journey ahead. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Go for a run, it is good medicine for tired brain.

S x

Dear SA,

This addiction that we have, leads us to many different roads and routes.

Gambling can be an escape route for the pain, misery, depression, lack of self esteem not being able to say NO to things in our lives, that we want to say no to, it disguises itself in so many ways, until we dig right down into ourselves, we think the addiction is just gambling, it's not, it is such a complex addiction(that is what I am learning now)

I had had a compulsive self destructive addiction since as far back as I can remember.

Becoming a CG happened (in my mind) around 13 years ago,

To combine self destructive behaviour and being a CG, in my mind, is extremely hard to handle never mind comprehend, and arrest.

To stop gambling as you know, can be achieved, but unless we get to the root and core of our behaviour and why we feel like we do, about ourselves, we will turn back to the escape of gambling.

Hell SA, these urges to gamble can come to us whenever

I can be feeling really good about myself, but hey presto, they pop up, from nowhere bloody where.

You are (if you don't mind me saying) surrounded by mess, everything you are looking at, yourself first, your neglected flat, and your job.but I think those three things should be reversed,because you think your job, your flat, and then you, I think that's the order you put your negatives in.

Depression is still a very taboo word, in fact any mental health issues still are, and they should not be in this day and age.

Our compulsive addictions, can lead to gambling, but gambling is not the initial problem. But once we are hooked it becomes a very serious problem.

You need to get back to the very first basics, again, if we don't succeed we start again, we try again,

I hate cleaning (especially windows lol) but my cleaning the last 15 months, has helped me get rid of some of the S***e, just .ike you with running, Duncs walking dogs, Delboy golf cycling miles and miles, etc, but that is not enough, unless we look deep into changing want we can change, and accepting what we can't, it really is tough, to go down this road, but we have to, you have done this before SA, you can do it now, get your bike out lol, get your running shoes on, get your flat cleaned (not forgetting the windows lol) get to the job centre. Get to the DRs, but most important and what must come first is YOU,

Listening, and walking along side with you as always, on this youth journey of life.

Suzanne xxx

Dear SA,

This addiction that we have, leads us to many different roads and routes.

Gambling can be an escape route for the pain, misery, depression, lack of self esteem not being able to say NO to things in our lives, that we want to say no to, it disguises itself in so many ways, until we dig right down into ourselves, we think the addiction is just gambling, it's not, it is such a complex addiction(that is what I am learning now)

I had had a compulsive self destructive addiction since as far back as I can remember.

Becoming a CG happened (in my mind) around 13 years ago,

To combine self destructive behaviour and being a CG, in my mind, is extremely hard to handle never mind comprehend, and arrest.

To stop gambling as you know, can be achieved, but unless we get to the root and core of our behaviour and why we feel like we do, about ourselves, we will turn back to the escape of gambling.

Hell SA, these urges to gamble can come to us whenever

I can be feeling really good about myself, but hey presto, they pop up, from nowhere bloody where.

You are (if you don't mind me saying) surrounded by mess, everything you are looking at, yourself first, your neglected flat, and your job.but I think those three things should be reversed,because you think your job, your flat, and then you, I think that's the order you put your negatives in.

Depression is still a very taboo word, in fact any mental health issues still are, and they should not be in this day and age.

Our compulsive addictions, can lead to gambling, but gambling is not the initial problem. But once we are hooked it becomes a very serious problem.

You need to get back to the very first basics, again, if we don't succeed we start again, we try again,

I hate cleaning (especially windows lol) but my cleaning the last 15 months, has helped me get rid of some of the S***e, just .ike you with running, Duncs walking dogs, Delboy golf cycling miles and miles, etc, but that is not enough, unless we look deep into changing want we can change, and accepting what we can't, it really is tough, to go down this road, but we have to, you have done this before SA, you can do it now, get your bike out lol, get your running shoes on, get your flat cleaned (not forgetting the windows lol) get to the job centre. Get to the DRs, but most important and what must come first is YOU,

Listening, and walking along side with you as always, on this youth journey of life.

Suzanne xxx

Sorry SA, it was such a long post it duplicated itself (lol)

Bigs hugs for you (((((SA))))))

Xx

Thanks for the hug Suzanne. Its what i need.

I use to be such a big supporter of other people... How far I have fallen.

Its so hard today, even to get out of bed. Am so very depressed.

I have done the washing up... its a tiny start.

No gambling

Depression stops our brain from functioning & our bodies from operating so there will have been nothing tiny about washing up I am sure! I was assured that there is something called a functioning depressive where you are able to force yourself to go to work & do the bare minimum but without a 'goal' you cannot operate! That was my diagnosis anyway, yep me with a couple of hundred days under my belt, surrounded by comfort & a happy home with thousands in the bank! According to 3CR yesterday 85% of the medical profession have experienced mental ill health @ some stage too! You cannot put your body & soul through 18 months of what you have without a bit of love for yourself & expect to come out the other side unscathed! Have you managed to book yourself an appointment with your GP...You must do this for your own sanity!

Don't worry about supporting others, @ the moment you need every ounce of energy left to support you & figure out how to move you forwards!

I'm not a huggy person but I did do a little celebratory punch @ your post. You could so easily have curled up into a ball & refused to surface but you haven't so good on you!

Keep fighting - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT... as always your thoughts help, you can appreciate what its like to me. I feel like am not alone.

Its been a very mixed day. The morning was a time of deep depression, especially it being a Monday morning... and society and my upbringing says i should be at work! But eventually I was able to shrug it off. I went up town, got my hair cut and then went to the shops and bought some essentials.. all paid for with a bunch of pound coins that the machine i'd been gambling on last friday wouldn't except and I then just walked out the place... 20 odd pounds in coins.. but still £200 and more down of course! Easy to feed notes.

I comes home. I watches some telly and then i get bored. Am waiting for a phone call from the school to say how the land lies with work there in the future. The call doesn't come. I don't call them. I have an urge to gamble but instead of acting on it i go outside and bump into my neighbour. We have a chat. We walk to the chip shop and back. It was nice to chat. Ive hardly spoken to anyone the last few days. Too much isolation is hard, my thoughts run away with me.

Anyway am sitting here now thinking how my stress levels have come down a notch. The day has got better as its gone along. It is nice not to be around severely autistic kids, feeling tense as you try to work out the childs state of mind and what mood they are in.... "am I going to be hit or spat at or pinched or head butted". Its nice not to be in a noisy volatile environment.

It crosses my mind that this might really be the end. I might I just might find the courage not to go back at all. I might find the courage to swallow my pride and actually go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants. I might actually find the courage to see what else I can do even if it means a period of time signing on. maybe... just maybe

Tomorrow i may regress into what i know but that how i feel at this moment in time.

Thanks for listening

Its not over till its over mind....I need time. time is a healer

"Most folks are as happy as they make up there minds to be" Abraham Lincoln

It helps me to feel like am helping others to. I am struggling to write to others at the moment but I feel like writing my own thoughts does helps others.. so that helps me

Hi SA,

I'd say you have moved up a notch lol, washed up, hair cut, conversed with your neighbour, went shopping. Watched some TV.

Posted on here 3 times, it has made me smile to read this,

You have some time now to think about what you want, you have some time to recharge your batteries,

and don't worry about not posting to others, this is your journey my friend, it's time for you, and I have told you a few times, your posts on your own diary have always inspired me and helped me to understand some of this complex addiction, and I am sure your posts now are helping others.

I am so pleased that you did get out of bed today and did some things just for . YOU.

Suzanne xxx

Writing your thoughts helps me...The brutal honesty shows how close I am to losing everything I have! It is 74 volumes of reasons why I can't go back to where I was & why I am going to read your journey from start to now!

I know what I say doesn't matter in your darkness but we are here, we are rooting for you & most importantly, we can see a strength that you need to find in yourself! Next time you realise your chin is not on your chest, phone & make an appointment...This is about your own peace of mind so don't let a daft thing like pride get in the way, it never stopped us gambling so don't let it stop you getting help. Abes has a great point but when depression is crushing your body & mind, it is hard to feel happy! Go online, find some relaxation techniques (go easy on the breathing ones, I'm pretty sure they are impossible), go for a run, drink water & maybe, just maybe!

Keep digging & you will find that little bit of courage for a few more steps forwards - ODAAT

No gambling since my last post.

Thanks Suzanne & ODAAT 🙂

I also decided to have a browse through my diary (untill I got bored of course!). Its littered with words like depression and anxiety. Back in 2008 I was an online advisor for people with gambling problems (believe it or not!)... i'd got the job after having been through rehab and it was deemed that it would help my recovery. It did when I was doing it voluntary (this was before the start of this diary) and this was when I was at my strongest in recovery. When i got paid for doing it everything changed..., the doing it every day, living and breathing recovery at the expense of everything else, the taking it all home and logging on from home... but most of all the clash of personalities and awful office politics, which resulted in my boss being removed from the building and sacked and me then working closely with a chap whom I felt bullied by. I'd happilly go for a beer with him now but back then working with him felt like a nightmare. I didn't cope. I fell apart bit by bit and it was instrumental in me starting this diary.

I left the job but only after a couple of years of miserableness and then after 3 months on the dole I got a job in a day centre for people with disablities. History then repeated itself but for different reasons but the end result was stress, anxiety and depression. I left after 3 years and then started temping at the place ive been working at for the last 18 months and guess what? History has repeated itself. Different reasons again but the end result is once again stress, anxiety and depression. Its almost laughable... In fact I will laugh ha ha ha with extra dollop of ha

I think this is why I am pausing and doing nothing because I need to take stock. Having spent so many years going round the same old patterns of behaviour with the same results... I have this habit of re-creating my past. I scratch my head and think... where on earth do i go from here?? Do I just not have the strength of character to be able to cope with work or have i just been unlucky. It is true that I have taken on demanding roles but the real problem is ME but what do i do to change ME

Anyway on a slightly more upbeat note... I notice i'd written some of my running times down back in 2008... and today in 2015 I am slightly fitter. In 2008 I typically did 5 miles in 45 minutes and in 2015 I typically do 5 miles in 43 minutes. Getting older getting fitter. Thats alright isn't it.

Thanks for listening