Hope

SA

Fella I have followed your diary since I came to the forum, we share a great deal of common ground regarding the way we approach life, work and people pleasing has been my own stumbling block in life,to fully commit to a job often to the detriment of what happens to your own wellbeing.

I remember in your own diary the occasion that brought your to the point where you were going to purchase a car, but didn't because it seemed you couldn't justify the spending on yourself.

I remember thinking then and again today that it's that form of self gifted punishment that has blighted my life too many times.

Because in the hands of addiction I would gamble the sort of sum in hours just to escape the misery work had brought.

My friend says often that life is what you make it and fella he is right.

I have never met you but I would trust you with my life.

I mean that, you are a decent bloke, you keep harms way from other folk,it's time for you to do so for yourself.

Work is a means to live, I have detached myself from all other emotional reasons for working, yes I have a good work ethic, like you I come from an upbringing were I have a belief in hard graft.

But for me the bottom line is I leave work at work, my dreams and aspirations today are founded on achieving things for myself and although that may sound selfish I am wholly comfortable with it.

Why? The truth is fella I have been played like a banjo by countless employers all for their own gain, f**k they haven't truly cared for my wellbeing, they have all to often either cared for the bottom line or feathering their own nest.

There is a different way to approach work life, that my friend starts and ends by looking after number one.

Recovery has brought this to my life, five weeks ago I changed jobs simply because I outgrew need for the need to dance to someone else's tune.

Today I am truly 100% happier for it.

Keep shovelling the shi##t from your life fella.

The answer lays underneath it.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dunc's your right. Dancing to someone elses tune. Thats the way my life has been. Thats the way ive lived my life.

Its got to stop!

No gambling

I feel terrible today. I was supposed to be going up to Manchester with my mate (15 years my senior) to stay with him and his elderly mother for a few days. Why on earth I agreed to this in the first place I have no idea???... people pleasing, unable to say no bla bla. I cancelled and apologised (I do apologise when I get things wrong) and now he's laying on the guilt trip big time, as if his mum is gonna collapse in grief because a person she has only met once is now not coming. In truth its his fragile ego that can't cope with whats happened so he will continue to have a pop at me on and off for the forseeable.

Its been an odd friendship to be fare. I know him from rehab of course. Besides playing chess we have next to nothing in common. Are personalities are different. Even are gambling styles are like chalk and cheese.

I need to take some learning from this. I need to surround myself with people who have a positive effect on me rather than getting me feeling small and inadequate.

A friendship bites the dust.

.... and so life goes on

thanks for listening

Not a nice scenario SA, but you have made a decision to say NO to something you did not want to do, (you would have been more miserable had you gone, because you are not in that frame of mind) to go.

Well done on choosing you, it's not selfish at all, to cancel, you are getting your life back,

Out with the negatives and in with the positives.lol.

Enjoy the freedom to do exactly what you want to do.

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

Saying NO is one of the hardest challenges we are facing but anything is possible and we learn on a way right 🙂
You know, true friendships are hard to find...d**n...i got burned from some big time and kept coutious for a long time...but you gotta let people in sooner or later and the right ones will prove what they are real by actions and not just empty words. Let me just say - true friendships i found on this site! Yes i did and that's a miracle itself 🙂
Keep on keeping on..never give up on giving up!..ur doing rather well in my little book 😉

Ps....i think it was the sweetest words i ever heard in my life...i still smile ear to ear lol...(not couse im hyped up from too long run lol)..."bless your cotton socks" Aaawwwweeeeee SA... :-))))))))) ...god..ur a keeper!!!

Take it easy my friend..one step at a time

S x

Hmmmmm...now i am getting worked up at my device lol..it says my average speed was 7.8mph..that's a proper speedy run isn't it? I don't believe these countings SA! I do 5 miles in 55min...and having to do nearly tribble that i don't think i kept up the pace all along (i did have proper speedy breakouts tho)..i use Samsung s health but think it's not accurate...

Lol..look at me moaning about run while still aching all over 🙂

I was thinking to do 24miles marathon some time this year...just run to the beach! And that's a challenge..whanever it happens - i keep ya updated!

And on the last note - keep up the good work dear friend..tipu tapu as Junniee would say 🙂

S x

Hey S.A, just finished Volume 23 🙁 I have lots of questions, well not lots but some, but 1st things first, let's get this diary back onto Page 1!

How are you doing? How's the flat?

Hi SA,

How are you, you have gone quiet lol, I hope you are feeling stronger.

Take care and stay safe

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

I hope you're having a well deserved break with your loved ones. Never forget how important you are and how many ppl cares about you!!

Touching by to ask you to check in ...hope you can also find challenge helpful, i am waiting with open arms to greet you bk ☺

Look after yourself, you matter.

Sandra x

Hi SA,

Just been catching up on your diary. So sorry I haven't been around. Yes, you do need to be on anti-depressants at this time.

We can pour all the love and support in the world toward you, and will happily do so, because you do deserve it - but we cannot make the appointment for you, we cannot take the pills for you. It interested me that you used the phrase "swallow my pride".

Everyone needs help. EVERYONE. I recently read a book called "Outliers" It was fascinating. It was about the study of exceptional achievers, and looked at all walks of life. In all of the examples they looked at: sports people, entrepreneurs, and so on - there was always an early and distinct advantage in their lives. With professional baseball players in america for example - it was which month they were born in! Why? because selection always happens in the same month, and at the same age in full years. So, when kids are beginning to be sectioned off into leagues already at the age of just 5, being 5 years and 11 months old is significantly different to being 5 years and 0 months old. At that age, in development terms of co-ordination, physical strength, height, 11 extra months on this earth gives you a real edge. Of course by the time they're in their twenties 11 months in itself does not make much of a difference - but by that stage you've already had 15 to 20 years of better resources, better coaches, better peers (ability-wise) to compete against, better opponents, more experience of success. The cumulative effect of this over the years is huge. To the point where virtually all major league professional baseball players are born within a 3 month window.

So you see, we are all different. We all have thousands of imperceptible differences and experiences that shape us and where we end up. The idea that some people are just better at life is an illusion.

If you need help, take it - or at the risk of getting a bit too "tough love" on you - there's nothing any of us can say or do.

love,

f x

Hi SA

Just wanted to drop in and say hang in there mate...I feel your pain, can relate to almost everything that you type...Its like it mirrors my exact life...I know from following your battle that these past couple of months have not been good, but as many others have already said ..Its now time for you to do something for yourself and put yourself first..

I hardly write anything down anymore but i've never stopped reading

I just wanted you to know that people are listening

Takecare

I wanted to add - massive kudos on cancelling the "friend". Not easy to do! Every time you observe your own needs, the gambling monkey shrivels up a bit like water splashed on the wicked witch from the wizard of oz.

Day 1

Your kind thoughts are still falling on deaf ears. I have reached a point where i really don't want to be awake. Reality is hard to acknowledge let alone do anything about. I feel weak and hopeless.

Listening to some music....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OHX_PA25Ok

There must be hope, even for me

Breaking down

What frightens you about a life without addiction?