Hope

Thinking....

I feel like ive failed as a human being and let my family down... no proper career, not settled down, no children.

I feel empty and completely alone, even though I know that people care about me.

I have no joy in my life... other than the transitory feel good factor after a run, which in many ways is not much different from the feel good factor after a "win"

I feel pressure to catch up on all the dead years of simply existing and escaping.

As I get older the feelings get worse as more time passes

Clearly counselling hasn't helped. But in a way I don't feel like I need counselling, cos I get the problem.... feelings of abandonment as a child... unable to trust people as an adult.... its just that I don't know what to do about it. I guess all i really want now is to be at peace with myself and get a little joy out of day to day living.

Its embarrassing writing this stuff down, but easier than talking. I imagine my mother reading it and saying... "o for goodness sake, just pull yourself together"

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA, Im new to this site i have been reading through a couple of diaries to get some inspiration. I am only on day 1 of being gamble free so feel i am not one to give advice. However i work with children for a living and pride myself in being silly alot of the time, listening well and talking to others. Music seems to be your outlet. My teaching assistant gave me some advice the other day. You need to find an angry song. NO SAD SONGS. They can make the happiest person in the world feel sad. And a piece of advice from zoe whojamafip (new girl if you watch that program?) Make the most of car kareeokee! Surprising how much this helps. Heres a list of songs i listen to when i need to get angry not sad

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJ7LsLEERkE- Cheryl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDPW_g2AhAU- Rudamental

My outlet is singing (not well) but it helps me to get rid of anger, sadness and any muddy feelings. When i broke up with my previous boyfriend i danced around my new grotty dingy flat, naked lol to rudamental.

Hope you feel more positive soon.

Thanks! 🙂

This might not be possible for everyone but do you like animals? My dog is called jasper. Hence the username lol! He is my life. Whenever i feel down hes there. He doesnt judge me, he doesnt feel disapointed in me, he doesnt look down on me, he loves me unconditionally. His wet nose comforts me. He licks my tears away and licks my wounds when im hurt. He walks with me, runs with me, sits with me, sleeps next me. He there when i wake up and greets me with a waggy tail. Okay so maybe your not a dog person lol. Maybe a cat person. Not a fan of cats personally as they always seem to have a hidden agenda. But if you can love and care for an animal they are the best form of therapy. I got jasper from a rescue kennel and he came with a lot of issue. Broken if you like? I've spent a lot of time trying to mae him fell happy and secure and he in return makes my life feel fuller (if thats even a word?). Maybe a hamster or a fish? im rambling ........

please do ramble...

My sister has a dog, I stayed there for a few days. Bailey ( dogs name) took an instant liking to me, followed me everywhere and sat on me when watching Tv... he's not small lol Like you say, unconditional.... I get what you mean.... 🙂

My dog isnt small either. He a lab cross and hes bloody heavy. He has filled a hole in my life and made me into a more confident person. Not sure how. Ask to borrow the dog for a week.? Do you watch firends? Theres an episode when foebe borrows her firends dog for joey. Funny stuff. I personally am a fan of lists! As a teacher my world revolves around them. Usually they never get finished but are more of a working document really. Lists help me stay focused and busy.

Make a list for today and get going. So far ive managed to wash some clothes.......

SA,

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I have been there myself. I go there at least once a week to be honest. It is hard to function.

All I can say when you get to that point is - wait for a good day. It might not actually feel "good" but will feel less impossible. Take action on that day. Just one thing, calling to make a doctors appointment. The rest will take care of itself.

Set yourself one target today. Cleaning your teeth, anything. Doesn't matter how small. On days like that, it is baby steps. That is OK.

I have seen you interrupting several cycles recently, and it is scary. It is bound to create a strong reaction. It's still good that you changed something though. Your addiction not only to gambling, but to the safety and predictability of these cycles is taking an almighty tantrum now that you broke the pattern. Hence, crippling depression.

These feelings will pass. Take gentle care of yourself, as you would a tiny chick who has fallen out of it's nest.

f x

Thank f**k you are back posting again, I really was worried about you! Sounds mental but I kind of hoped you'd holed up with some dirty magazines & you know what DVDs & I can't possibly write the rest because I'm a lady & you know where I'm coming from!

I know this is much deeper than a pity party but for what it's worth (I'm pretty sure we are the same age) it is literally only just in the last couple of years that I have let someone in & look @ me now! You sure have some dizzy heights to aspire to but they are your family's expectations, you have not failed! You may not have given them everything they'd expect of you but you have protected them (not that I agree with this) from a world of hurt by going through your addiction alone! Isn't it time to let them in? Or one of them maybe? Maybe your Mum might tell you to get over yourself but @ least it will be out there? I'm rambling, you said we could! I may only be @ Volume 28 but it's a difficult read watching you beat yourself up over & over because of what 'society' expects of you & throughout these first volumes I feel the undercurrent of sadness because there is stuff that you won't/can't talk about! Where has it gotten you? Joggers nipple & a big empty heart...Time to get it beating again man! Don't let the blaze of light that lit up this forum go out...It's a tiny LED @ the moment in comparison to what it was but you are in there, still here, still fighting!

I don't know what the answer is but I know you can find it! Keep fighting - ODAAT

In the same boat have couple good weeks then relapse
Just feel like walking away
Have good job house blowing it all

Hey... I been reading and re-reading your comments folks. They don't arf help. Your like my guardian angels.

Nowadays it seems a bit pointless saying this but I will say it anyway "I haven't gambled since my last post" and unsurprisingly I feel a tiny bit better than i did this time yesterday.

Ive been flicking through job sites.. welders, store managers, scaffolders, HGV drivers, home care assistants(WITH CAR), multi-drop van drivers and yes youve guessed it... support/care workers with experience of autism and challenging needs. Hmmmm.

I am of course starting to panick a bit now. I will have to be earning something within a month or so. Nightmare scenario... eviction from flat for non-payment of rent. On tuesday I sign up with a social care agency. Thats about as far as it goes at the moment. I really don't enjoy my life. I am once more on that part of the cycle which is simply about survival.

I don't think about life when all that concerns me is getting the feature on the machine.

I feel very sad... but thanks for listening... S.A

Another day.

I want to be positive but I just don't see a way forward at the moment, just debt, panick, depression, eviction and the end. It feels like the end game is being played out. That is how I feel today.

Maybe I will feel different as the day goes along. It does tend to feel worse in the morning.

Thanks for listening...

I haven't gambled

Hi
SA

You already know gambling is a symptom & not the cause of your pain but that doesnt always make it easier to get out of our self inflicted misery does it? I can only suggest start somewhere, anywhere, it matters not which problems are solved or in which order. It is just the physical & mindful act of doing something that will build confiidence to tackle the bigger picture.
Have you ever asked anybody what there expectations of you are? My perception of what i thought others expected of me turned out to be very far off the truth. As addicts we expect everything to be perfect & when it isnt(cause it never can be) it creates huge inner turmoil & feelings of not being good enough.
Work on your perspective of how you view yourself & your place in this world.
Stop running away & breath. Things can be different but only if you begin to do & view things differently.

Dan

Morning S.A.,

Depression is real. Unfortunately, not always taken as seriously as it should be. My opinon of course. Folks like myself who suffer from functional depression oftentimes get written off by society at large and what happenes to me is that I start believing that my depression is not real. I must have some terrible character flaws that I am refusing to address. So, I turn to gambling for some relief. Others turn to booze. Whatever... Your sadness/depression is real S.A. You are real and you matter. If you think that going back on the tablets might help then do it! I don't write as much as I used to but, I am still here and still listening. Hang on dear S.A. It aint over til it's over. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SA)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hi SA,

Echo fellow soldiers here. Depression is horrible feeling..hell i lived with it more than i would of liked of..but it is what it is. It's definitely not recognised enough and usually just brushed aside with pills and all that. I think people having depression should be provided with more help cause that's what they need, emotional state is damaged and it's not a laughing matter for sure. It takes time and care to make ourselves feel better. Tablets helps but only on day to day basis, there is so much more work underneath. Are you looking for help? Did you see your GP? Maybe counselling would help you also?

I hope you're feeling better than this morning. Please give us a shout here or on emails to let me know all is ticking steady with you.

All will be ok my friend..it will..keep being kind to yourself, you matter the most

Sandra x