Hope

I have an old friend who whenever I say I am not ok starts singing the Monty Python tune 'Always look on the bright side of life'. Drives me f*****g nuts, what a load of b******s. Listening and hearing that you are feeling that life is S***e at the moment and acknowledging what you are saying.

No magic wand, so wish I had but thinking of you and so wanting things to be better in your world as you are such a caring, lovely person.

The sun will come up and we will all be here listening and alongside you when you need us.

xxx

A little tune for you to dear SA...just to get spring in ur step in a morning 😉

Keep believing xx

https://youtu.be/mAwehFqIiiE

S x

thing is I don't really know whether my sadness and depression is just a normal part of being me or whether its something that really does need treatment. Unsurprisingly if I had a bunch of money in the bank and meaning and purpose in life then i'd probably be cheery wouldn't I. Its not rocket science to say that its my cognition and thinking thats at fault.... but then when ive had CBT in the past and the therapist has turned round and said "What do YOU want to do in life?" I just kind of look blank and say "I don't know".. cos i don't. All I know for sure is that I want this gambling monkey off my back, once and for all.

I ended up playing snooker last night and had a chat with my mate. He's a Cg to but a few years older than me. He talks of the importance of work in keeping him stable. he says that if he didn't work he'd be down the bookies every day (money permitting). As it is he just bets on a saturday now. he still gets himself in trouble but its kind of once or twice a year now (as oppose to all the time) and he's able to dig himself out the hole by doing over time. Work both stops him "going under" and yet prolongs the misery... always tired, never really addressing deeper issues and not wanting to try and stop gambling anyway. I guess we all understand that. He says he's not surprised ive had a melt down... nor am i really.

On balance I feel a tiny bit better than yesterday.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

P.s Thanks you lovely people 🙂

I kind of pondered what it was you were/are looking for throughout the volumes of your diary that I have read...Some days you went to work, went to the gym & wrote with the afterglow of the training buzz & yet you didn't feel like you were achieving anything! It actually knocked me a bit as I have read echoes of it throughout the forum...Yesterday on the train into work (the 0459 I hasten to add) I looked around @ some of the other commuters, some I know don't get the train back until 1900 hours! I assume they eat, maybe watch a bit of telly & then go off to bed & I wondered if they felt fulfilled! I have tried to determine what I want from my life since starting this recovery journey & actually found it incredibly stressful trying to figure it out! I know I am one of the lucky ones, I now have someone @ home, a job & money in the bank but I don't have a purpose in life as such! I wonder if maybe this is just something else to beat yourself up over? I get the loneliness & the need to get a new job but can't your purpose just be to be you?

I'm glad you're feeling a little better & my suggestion is, why not see your GP & let them make an executive decision as to whether you may benefit from treatment! What do you have to lose?

Keep fighting man - ODAAT

Hi dear SA,

First of all a big cuddle for you, (((((((((SA)))))))))

Have read through your recent posts my friend, and can't add much more to what the other lovely souls have said,

I feel you are terribly lonely and in a deep hole, and you don't know how to get out and change direction. but you do need change of direction in your life dear SA, you are not happy in your work and that can make us very depressed indeed, we isolate ourselves as we feel vulnerable, but gambling just makes everything worse, it's not even an escape, it is a path to self destruction.

Don't think of too far ahead, why try and reach the stars, when we can have the moon, no one will ever be totally happy, because no one will ever reach the stars, we all put too much on what we think we should be doing and behaving, we are all unique people in our own ways, we must try not to think of how we think we should be, we should try and think of what we are comfortable with within ourselves, this is very important to be able to slowly but surely make changes, it doesn't matter what we think our society wants us to be, there is far too much pressure these days to aim for impossible goals,

Be who you are (which is a lovely caring, and thoughtful man) and not what you think is expected of you.

I think your job has taken its toll, you have done more than your bit, it's time for you to find out what you really want, and seeing your GP is a good start, they will help.

Take care lovely man and start mending YOU.

Suzanne xxx

Thinking of you today SA. You're not alone

Hey SA!

Good to hear from you today ☺
I see we're digging deeper in our minds this morning huh..what do you want in life? Dreaded question for me too and very similar to the one i was asked by my counsellor "what do you see when you look in the mirror"..ohhhhhh...it's like they try to wire your brains for you lol...what can i see huh? Sleepy eye girl, hair all over, a spot needing attention and all that 😀 (glad i made ya smile just now)
I have no purpose in life also SA..nothing is wrong with that..as ODAAT says, just being you is enough sometimes. I was harping on how lonely i am for a while..d**n man i could of punced the air from joy and smiled sooo much having to go to bed by myself last night and noone doing my head in lol..crazy or what!?..sometimes i soo so like to be just a single girl, dealing with life itself and making some changes by myself. I feel stronger for it also...but..as many, i can also feel very lonely without a soul to talk to or wrap my arms around...balance is needed here for sure

Anyway, i am just glad you are back on your two feet and looking ahead. Don't let the expectations of others to affect you...what do they know huh? You are you and you're looking for the better way in this life. All i can say - you are not the only one..but for now - YOU being YOU is more than enough !

Day at a time..all will be ok my friend

S x

Be kind to yourself until the really bad days lift, then straight to the doctors, mate.

It's a good sign that you are staying close to the forum, and posting. Think about what you would say to me, if it was me in your shoes - then apply it to yourself.

This will pass. Keep yourself safe at this time, when your mind is scattered and panicky. Chasing thoughts might come up.

f x

SA

Fella I think it is easy to be drawn into the 'what's the point' mentality, because it's been utterly true for me that over and over again in my life I simply cannot see the wood for the tree's, life appears to follow a cycle in which it's impossible to get ahead, leaving the feeling that it's just not worth the effort.

The truth is that I have financially always behind the eight ball, why??

Because the actions of actively feeding addiction for most of my life left a double edged sword, on one side it bred contempt for life itself,feeding depression and self loathing, the other a perverse enjoyment that is brought by making something often from little or nothing.

In recovery I have had many times where I have wasted my hard earned on ridiculous things because I have a terrible relationship with the value of a pound.

It certainly is a cycle.

Fella my advice is simple.

Get help, there's a wealth of it, your gp,help to pay rent, the ga room.

None of these things will be a cop out, you have contributed to society, it's upkeep, so take back for yourself.

I believe that recovery is the one selfish act I will allow myself, because it has a profound effect first and foremost upon my life, without it I believe that the end game would come quickly.

I wrote about those two monkeys on your back.

The little one is still fighting, it's plain to see.

Open some doors my friend, there will be a light on the other side of one of them.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi
SA

I notice you mention CBT. Its, i would suggest entirely the wrong kind of counselling you require. Just from the outside looking in, it would seem that your best hope of help would be in the form of Psychodynamics. This looks at root causes rather than CBTs approach of putting a shiny coat of positive polish over every thing

Well thanks folks, but today has not been a good day.

I haven't opened any doors. All positive thoughts & actions just went to s**t. Ive just stayed in bed. Am a danger to myself if i go out now, so I stay in.

I haven't gambled and I don't want to gamble but i have little self-belief moving forward.

Tomorrows plan is to go to the doc's and then sign up with an agency in the afternoon.

Lets see what happens in practice.

Kuckety s**t and f**k. I just can'r live this way anymore.

I continue to exist

Hi SA..

Don't you f*****g beat yourself up about it!!! Agghhrrr !!! Staying in bed days are part of life ffs! It's nothing wrong with that.
Why you keep beating yourself up about it?
Good stuff on seing GP...very slow little step forward. It will help you, you know it will but now time has come where you have to use all the energy and stick to it! Stick to tablets, let them help you. Life will not be full of roses but f***k that, if you get out from this funk in your head that's deffo the right step forward.

Ride the storm out, keep bloody posting! We are listening..we understand..we been there and we get IT ok.

So start with yourself..nice calm bath, maybe a book to read to calm yourself down, some music, relaxation stuff? Or whatever else what helps you to pass those ticking minutes by while you collect urself together!

((((SA))))

I'm here...email, post on here..but please don't isolate.

S x

GET UP!!!

Only joking...As above! So what if you're having a duvet day...Dontcha think you earned it after all those early starts?!?

I was gonna suggest something a little less than my crazy friend above...Scootch over to the edge of the bed & use whatever you have to hand just to flick the curtain open! I've gotta be honest, it's probably raining cats & dogs out there so don't get your hopes up that the sun has reared its head...I just wanted to point out that in the weather world the sun is poking fun @ the rain because no-one loves it! Society wants it to be sunny everyday...You can probably guess what's coming next? We wouldn't survive if 'society' got it's way so quit worrying about your 2.4 children & open your arms to the help that is out there even the stuff shrouded in secrecy because 'society' sticks it's nose in the air to it!

You can do this - ODAAT

Hi Duvet Man:)

I am not sure whether I want to give you a big cuddle in your warm bed, or throw the duvet off and tip you out lol.

If you are chilling in bed, cos you are worn out that's fine, nothing wrong with that, you need to recharge your batteries, but if you are lying in bed thinking of the past, and worrying sick about the next few weeks that won't do you any good, mulling it all round in your mind, it's self torture, and you don't deserve this.

Have you thought about a complete change of direction in your work, ( ie retail) not on the front line, if that's no good, but in the background like the stockroom, there are lots of varieties of retail work, warehouse work etc, and there are loads of different types of retail, (supermarkets, etc).

I know it's not what you do, but it will be different and not stressful, and most of them pay above the minimum wage, it could be a start til you know what you want to do, there will be opportunities coming up in this field, now, as we approach September, cos Xmas starts in retail then lol.

Just a thought SA, hell if not retail there are other jobs that are not stressful like the one you have been in for so long,

Hey you may even enjoy a change of direction, and you will slowly be socialising with other workers and not even realise it.

As I said just a thought,

Suzanne xxx

SA

Fella I hope you find the courage to visit the doctor today and receive the help you need and deserve.

I became afraid to leave the house towards the end of my gambling life, it felt like everyone was watching me, the truth is I had lost any respect for myself, I wore ramshackled clothes, failed to shave, f**k I even stopped washing, I wanted to end it all, I fantasised about finally putting an end to my game, the truth is I couldn't see how change was possible.

My friend it is, it's there, ok it might not be on the other side of the door you open today, tomorrow or the next day, but rest assured it's there waiting for you.

You are capable of making change, embrace it my friend.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.