Hope

Am still e*e,,, thanks folks... your thoughts are a godsend at the moment.

I just rang the doctors but the only appointment is at the same time as my appointment to sign up with an agency. I will try again tomorrow. Just had a look outside, sunshine at the moment.

Am thinking about going to GA tonight. First time in maybe 3 years. It will mean hanging around in Brum for 4 hours after signing up with the agency, but then if I haven't got any money on me then i can't do any harm can I. Take a book, chill out.. if thats possible for me at the moment.

Just been reading day@atimes article about gambling addiction. It reminds me of how cruel this addiction is in that in our warped minds the problem can also seem like part of the solution. Made me smile about the Vietnemese man who dug a hole and hid in it for two months to avoid his creditors. I understand that. I get like that when it all becomes two much, I just want to crawl into a small, dark space and close the door. Out of sight out of mind. I have done it before, just for a few minutes, two months is quite impressive!

and so life continues..

Good morning SA,

Sending you strong and positive thoughts for today,

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

I've been wanting to say hello for a while now. I haven't got any great advice or words of wisdom, but sometimes it's good to know that people care (even if it's a total stranger). You clearly have a lot of people on here who care about you and who'll be pleased to see you posting today.

A doctors appointment as soon as you can make one is an excellent start. As is signing up with an agency. I don't know your story (I haven't read through your whole diary) but it's fairly clear that therapy of some kind would be useful. The gambling seems to part of a greater depression ( sorry if I'm stating the bleeding obvious) which is unlikely to go away on it's own. I know that Dan wouldn't recommend CBT, but if that's all that's on offer it might still be useful. GA tonight sounds like an excellent plan and I really hope you go to it. Putting some action in is half the battle and you're doing that, so give yourself some acknowledgment for that. I'm not trying to paint everything with a rosey glow, but when you're down it's easy to see the negatives and really hard to see merit in the things that you have done. To my outsiders eye I see the following...you're not six feet under (always a plus), you have a roof over your head, you have the ability to work and get a job, you have family, you have friends, you've got yourself out of bed and made appointments, you've (presumably) had a shower and shave and have gone for your interview, you're planning on going to a GA meeting tonight and you haven't gambled. I think that's pretty good going.

If you don't end up with a job you really like, then maybe consider a bit of voluntary work in something you are interested in. That way, you'll be earning but still doing something you enjoy. For what it's worth, I'm not sure I know anyone who can answer the "what do YOU want to do with your life" question. Most of us just plod along.I'm sure there must be some people living the dream, but probably not many. I have the marriage, kids, house etc but I'm still here battling it out alongside you.

Anyway, I wish you well.

LifeBegins x

Yes your right Lifebegins...most people just plod along and are happy enuff with there lot.... and thats all I want, just an ordinary life. So why do I keep sabotaging myself??... But I suppose this is just a rhetorical question... it doesn't matter now, the past is done with... all i can have any influence over is today and moving forward.

Its been a whole year now since my relapse started. I was edging towards 2 years gamble free at the start of august last year but since then ive been falling and falling, ledge by ledge, down and down... and with each gambling binge I have become more unwell and felt more helpless and hopeless.

I went into Brum. I struggled to find the agency I was gonna sign up with and felt myself starting to stress. Luckilly I had no money and no card on me but if I had I really don't know whether I would have been able to resist the lure of the machines. In a very sick kind of way the machines bring me relief don't they. Switch off from stress and win some money. Yeah right.

Anyway I found the agency eventually. I started the process of signing up. Muddled my way through a few awkward questions. Health forms.. Have you ever suffered from stress or anxiety? Ermmm.. Why did you leave this job? Why did you leave that job? Ermmm. In truth a few little white lies came out. I hate lying... it goes against my nature.. but when your feeling a bit desparate, when you need to earn money... you do what you have to do... I am a good person.... just a good person with self-belief and self-esteem issues. And thats what has happened to me in the last year... ive lost my self-belief. What ever sense of self I did have, its now gone, its gone to China or some other far flung country... and i want it back. By f**k I want it back!!

My desire not to be alive anymore is passing. I remind myself again today that its addictive gambling and to a much lesser extent other addictive behaviours that gets me to the stage where i just want to die and has done for the last 25 to 30 years.

I remind myself that compulsive gambling is not about money. Its about me and my reaction to life. I have become unwell infact ive always been unwell but BUT i can get better. I do have it within me.

Thanks for listening... S.A

You really do have it in you to get better SA, and you're proving that by all that by that you've done today. You say luckily you had no card and no money on you today or else you may have gambled. There was no luck involved...you made a conscious choice to protect yourself and break your triangle so kudos to you.

Sounds like the interview with the agency was difficult for you, but you got through it. A few white lies? So what? You're a good person. If you need to bend the truth a little here and there to get a job, I doubt that anyone would judge you harshly. With the possible exception of the Dalai Lllama I think we've all told a few porkies in our time. I think it's great you attended the interview.

So what comes first the chicken or the egg? Does the depression lead to gambling or does the gambling lead to the depression? For me, depression led to gambling but then, once the gambling had taken a hold, it was more or less solely the gambling which would cause my depressive episodes. One of the many valuable things I learnt in therapy was this (it's a psycho-dynamic opinion)....

"The pain you know is familiar and, by causing it yourself, you at least feel in control. You know how things will turn out since, without realising it, you have engineered it that way". Does that resonate with you?

I guess the question that leaps out to me, given that you were almost two years gamble free is what were you doing then that you're not doing now? What changed? Were you attending therapy? A group? Taking meds? Something was clearly working, so what are you doing differently now? Can you go back to what you were doing? LB x

Thanks I guess on balance ive had a better day. To answer your thoughts...

For me, depression led to gambling and then gambling took on a world of its own and I obsessed with it and it with me and yes your thoughts resonate with me.

I was on anti-depressants, I took them till the end of the course and from what i remember they did help a bit. At the end of the packet i never went back to get more and soon after that i gambled. Whether it was just coincidence or whether just stopping taking them sent me in a downward spiral am not so sure. I rather think that the physical and emotional demands of my work had a greater impact on my relapse.... I says to my mate that i signed up with an agency... He send me the following text...

"Its like talking to the wall. You are in denial.You need to tell doctors what is going on. Work is a no no.. If you carry on thinking that a change of job is a good thing your wrong wrong wrong. Doc's first and tell him whats going on with you. He can help and only him. I give up. You will do what you do. Make yourself ill."

His opinion is that I need to sign on and then rent and council tax is paid etc and then ive got time to sort myself out. I get what he means and its well meaning but at the same time ive got a strong ethic and i don't feel that signing on will do my self-esteem any good but then maybe for a short time it wouldn't do any harm. My mate (still of working age) hasn;t worked for more than a decade and has a completey different outlook on life. My other mate says he has to work cos its the only thing that keeps him stable. I suppose its about finding that balance.

life continues...

For what it's worth I applaud your work ethics (& if I'm completely honest, it makes me a bit mad that he hasn't worked for a decade presumably because he can't be arsed) but I have to agree that you must accept some help & the GP should be a priority! But this is a prime example of you having to do what's right for you...2 completely different outlooks & judge I might but who am I to do that, those folk are doing what is right for them!

Your current profession is incredibly demanding & maybe stacking shelves in a supermarket isn't a career but something like that will allow you to keep earning, keep you active & doesn't come with the level of stress & violence/punishment you get from work now! You just need to do something long enough to break this cycle of destruction you are caught up in @ the moment!

Your flat, albeit I imagine it may be resembling a hovel @ the moment, made living so much easier for you all those months ago & I completely understand why losing it is so terrifying but like chosing 'No' to gambling, only you can reach out & accept help in moving forwards!

I completely agree with LB...You did great today not taking your cards with you & those little white lies are a necessary evil (I'm yet to meet someone over the age of 5 who hasn't experienced some sort or stress/anxiety) & you know that your mental state does not affect your work!

Give yourself a break SA & set one goal tomorrow for the flat, even just a hand dust (you don't even have to move anything) will do 😉

Well I think the reason that he has fought tooth and nail to stay on employment support allowance, is that he has no confidence that if he were to be in work that he wouldn't gamble his wages away and not pay his rent ot council tax. Its also that jobseekers is less than what he gets now and he wouldn't be able to afford his bedroom tax without some sort of extra income. For me the bottom line is that addiction keeps him in the benefits loop/trap call it what you will. Maybe it would bring him comfort to know that I was on benefits as well so am not so sure that his opinions are entirely caring for my welfare (maybe they are)and perhaps "his issues" affects what he thinks i should do. I take the view that once unemployed it becomes harder to get back into work and like i say I have a fairly strong work ethic.

Anyway another day... I guess a chat with the doctor and some happy pills, won't go amiss.

thanks for listening... S.A

Hope you have had a better day, did you do docs?

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne,

Yes I did go to the docs. Strangely it was the same doctor that i saw 18 months ago (the last time i went) and we had much the same conversation with the same conclusions.. short course of anti-depressants and get yourself back to work with something less stressful. A deep melancholly settled on me when i got home and i went to bed.

Its one week since i last gambled and things continue to feel very bleak. Struggling to see a future, but sticking with the process.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey that's not too good, seeing same doc with same results, were you totally honest with your thoughts etc, I know it's hard to say stuff we may be ashamed of, but if you didn't open up totally, the doc may not have got the correct diagnosis.

Anyway lovely man, I am on your side, things are as bleak as we make them, we know there is no magic cure, to gambling or depression, but I and I know many others on here are here for you, you will work it out, you need some mending to you,

I do understand and I am always listening (always have) just because 😉 take heart, listen with all your groupie nutty followers how can you not take a very deep breath and smile, because in one way or another we are all in this same bloody rocky boat.

(((((SA)))))

Suzanne xxx

I just have one observation which really struck me catching up with your diary. When you were given the choice between putting yourself first and going to the doctors at the first available opportunity, or sign up to presumably do more care work - you didn't put yourself first. This made me sad to read. Putting yourself first is OK, necessary, and pretty much the answer. Everything else will fall into place. It's not selfishness, it's self-care. Self-care is the key.

Anyway, it's fantastic to hear that you got there in the end, and got a prescription sorted. Of course this is not the answer either, but it does help give you the strength to do what you need to do.

Couldn't agree more with I wished. A change of direction is essential. I hope you go for that. It also struck me that there is a happy medium between benefits/work which is to get a part time job, and top that up with benefits. It would give you routine and your pride, but you'd have plenty of space too.

f x

Must admit I find it hard to get my head around the idea of "signing on" as "being good to myself"... My top up is tax credits which i need to cancel now if am not gonna work and sign on. The situation may well be forced on me as i get closer to the day when i won't be able to pay my rent. I am one gambling binge away from complete disaster. By hook or by crook I will be good to myself by NOT gambling.

Strangely I feel slightly better for having gone to bed at 5 P.m and not got up again untill 8 a.m... thats 15 hours in my pit! I haven't done that for years.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Good morning,

At least you're up!

Did you get your prescription filled and have you started the tablets? I know medication may not be the complete answer but if they help get you functioning again then it's important to take them. Was counselling/therapy offered? Would you want it? I read before that you said you know you knew what your issues were ( feelings of abandonment etc) . Getting to the bottom of those is helpful but I think much more important is changing our overall thinking styles. Have you heard of cognitive distortions? They're common thinking patterns which we learn that can be incredibly destructive. Some examples are all or nothing thinking and catastrophising. Once I learned about these and started to change them my life began to improve.

Personally, I'm not sure that not working is a good idea. You'll have a lot of time on your hands and what will you fill it with? A sense of purpose is important and work gives you a routine and something to get out of bed for. 24 hours a day of thinking time is enough to do anyone's head in 🙂 Could there be a middle ground? As Suzanne suggested, retail? Or if care work's your area of expertise then a care job in a less stressful place ( I don't know what work you're currently doing)? A nursing home? A hospital ward auxiliary? Once the depression has lifted you could make a plan to train for something else. Or if you have to stay with what you're doing then balance it out with activities you might enjoy? Do an evening course, volunteer, join a pub football team. Could you put up with the crappy job if you had a longer term goal save some money and then get out of it? My husband hates his job but it's all he's good at and we need the money so he balances it out with other things.

I hope you have a good day.

LifeBegins x

#alloftheabove

15 hours...That's a normal day off for me so don't even think about giving yourself a kick for that because then I will have to start kicking & I don't think my tiny weeny body could take that sort of pain :-0

Always listening SA! Keep talking & keep being kind to you - ODAAT