Hope

Yes i have have heard of cognitive distortions.... and catastrophising is certainly one of mine. I was freaking out last night when the last of the money I was due from the school seemed not to have gone into my account. It felt like the end of the world... how was I possibly going to survive??... and then low and behold at 12.15 a.m it appeared and life was suddenly worth living again. It just goes to show how much I am affected simply by the balance in my bank account. So hard to function without money. Must admit I forgot to ask about counselling.

My mate has been putting 1k bets on horses as if he's got money to burn. he's on benefits! Sick isn't it. Sooner or later his pension lump sum will go and once its gone its gone! We all know that horrible feeling when its gone.

I want to stay in work if I possibly can.

thanks for listening... S.A

Hello mate

Thanks for popping in on my diary, don't ever feel ashamed to post on my diary. You where one of the first posters on my diary when i joined and you gave me so much support and advice. You will always be the odaat king in my eyes, your a legend on this forum.

Hope life improves for you!!! Take care. ands

Hi SA,

Good to see you in slightly better state of mind. Don't know what happened with me recently but d**n man, what a labyrinth to walk through lol..first smile (ok ok..second) in the last 5 days but better later than never!
Nahhh..can't recall going for a run under the influence of the alcohol lol..plz don't give me ideas cause with my "speeding" like yesterday the least i need is to go zigzags on that road lol

Keep embracing the unknown my friend, one foot in front of another..you will get there .i know you will ☺

Sandra x

Thanks friends. Am still in a bad place, but thats only to be expected, given what ive put myself through.

Its still early days in what feels like an epic life time struggle.

Day at a time.

No gambling

Keep pushing SA. Definitely know how it feels but you have to walk through hot ashes to find a fire burning inside you again - you will get there!

S x

Thanks Sandra,

Its a strange thing how rapidly ones mind and body reacts to stress. I went for a run this morning and struggled, really struggled. I kept going but it wasn't very enjoyable. I suppose after a few days and weeks of rubbish eating and feeling depressed.. its bound to have an impact. Ive actually put on a bit weight, doing less and eating more, jam sandwiches instead of a proper meals and lots of sugary coffee.

Today am gonna do a roast with strange things called vegetables on the side.

I haven't gambled but have had plenty of thoughts. I have intense impulsive moments where i think f**k it. I have to be very careful in what i do and where I go and not to have money on me when it matters.

I watch this programme about suicide. I am in the highest category, men aged 40-44. Now there's a cheery thought.

Anyway thats me, am not going to do anything daft, atleast not today.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Thanks

Good for the soul, cooking from scratch. Going to make veggie lentil soup later. It's a tasty treat even if I say so myself 😉

Feeling very stressed. Mates demanded back the money I owe him after a horse which he had 2k on fell at the last. Ive paid him just to get him off my back. My financial situation getting worse. I really do want to give him a wide birth from now on. I need to work fairly soon or am in trouble....

Life continues... no gambling. Determined not to put temptation in my way.

Don't hang out with gamblers who don't want to stop

Hi SA,

Understand you feeling stressed, but you have paid him back now, which totally outweighs using that money for further gambling tokens.

Take it as a positive, you have paid him back, and you now have him off your back, so that is one worry out of the way, you can tick

this one off now:)

Thought of you this morning, with the news saying more male care workers are needed, I think it said 16% male to 84% female carers, (not your line as this is caring for the elderly) but I immediately thought of you.

Take care and keep safe

Suzanne xxx

Thanks for dropping by my diary the other day & for taking heart from something that you could very well have despised me for! Just for the record, it was just good to see you parachuting again, I don't need profound, it's wasted on me 😉

I thought of you earlier when I glimpsed a bit of telly that was talking about, I think it was a million Londoners, suffering from some sort of mental ill health! They went on about the stigma that comes with the illness & how individual it can be! One thing mentioned was someone who needed a manager to great them every day otherwise they felt worthless & I know that this would not be enough to lift your spirits but I thought what harm could a fly by of support do & so here I am!

Don't you ever stop fighting this SA, you will find your way eventually! Please try & be kind to you - ODAAT

How are things with you dear SA..stay close to your diary...keep venting...breathing...talking..believing.

Here and listening as always ☺
One little step forward today will make huge difference for tomorrow!

S x

Thanks both, am trying to help myself in fits and starts, but I seem to be getting worse. I had the oppurtunity to work today through this agency ive signed up with but I couldn't face the challenge of going to a new place with new people and new challenges, so I ignored the text. These tablets am taking are making no difference as yet but then i spose its early days. When I allow myself to think about my life I get really panicky. Ive been thinking dark thoughts instead.

Yesterday my mate came over, we played chess. Later I went for a walk with my neighbour. Good to walk and chat.

The day before i went to Brum and finished signing up with the agency. I did not take my debit card but unfortunately the small amount of money I had on me (supposedly for lunch) I put into the machines and went hungry. Sick I know but the truth. My diary is an honest account, always has been. I spent several hours wondering around and then went to GA, which was positive, first time in 3 years. I was very on edge but spoke, told my sad story. Much nodding of heads and sensible advice given. Am glad I went even though I was kind of there but not there, if ya get my drift.

It looks as if I will be back at the school next week, 3 days a week, 8.30-3.30 a.m This may help me stabalise i think and get me some money coming in....

Thanks for listening... S.A

SA

Fella your diary is without doubt a true account of your life as an addict.

Glad you found some comfort in the ga room, I totally get the there but not there analogy.

I know whilst active I only sought to be interested in the things that would provide me an opportunity to gamble.

Your engaging with the world my friend, keep doing it, that rock and a hard place I know is a mind fookety f**k.

I guess again that old saying comes to the fore

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi SA,

Be a little more kinder to yourself my friend. Good things will not come overnight, we need to work towards them nice and steady. Give some time for medication to start doing it's job, you will start feeling better ..just some patience for now.
Really proud of you for attending GA! I guess that required so much strength but you did it and made that important move to help yourself. You're truly trying to turn things around and it's really admirable to read. Striving towards the change...you, my friend are stronger than you think and i am so so proud of you.

Keep working at it and pushing forwards..not easy, but you are doing it!
Please eat, rest and be kind to no1 - YOU!

Sandra x

yes thanks friends... am feeling a bit more on a level. It gets better as the day goes on. The mornings are the worst when it feels a bit like the end of the world. When i do get up and do something postive I start to feel better. Its just that it took till lunch time today lol... and to think it was only a few weeks ago that I was getting up at 4.45 or even early, every weekday.

Am signing up with a teaching agency tomorrow and then to my mates for chess and chat. Maybe a run beckons right now. Running has died a death recently.

Thanks for listening and no gambling... S.A