Hope

Had a text first thing. An oppurtunity for a late shift today. But I couldn't face the idea of going to a new place, new people, new clients. Once again I ignored it and then started panicking cos I need the money. This is not good. Ive always galvanised myself when i need to, but not this time. Depression and anxiety has got me in a strangle hold. Monday will be the day of reckoning. Back to the school, atleast its familiar, for 3 days... 8.30 till 3.30. If I don't show up and function, then am in big trouble.

I did sign up with the teaching agency yesterday. Looked after myself, had no debit card and almost no money at all. Straight into Brum, did the buisness and straight out again. Came home, changed, cycled to mates played chess, chatted, had tea. Normal stuff. A normal life.

Pause.

I forgive myself for not taking the work today. I clearly just need to look after myself and just BE... Life isn't all about work, work, money money. Must put myself first and get well.

I will get through my current crisis. I remind myself that the bottom line is gambling. When I start gambling again I start to fall apart. When i stop gambling then my life stops getting worse.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

You did right to put yourself first today, extra stress, is definitely not needed or wanted in your life at this time:)

Keep on looking after you first

Suzanne xxx

Good to see you SA. Even amongst the depression and anxiety, you're doing lots of things to help yourself. Signing up with the agency, not taking your card with you, giving GA a go last week, seeing your mate, playing chess, putting yourself first, eating tea....all really good, positive things. Make sure you see the good things you are doing as it's easy to discount the positives.

You said " when I stop gambling my life stops getting worse". It not only stops getting worse, but as time goes on you really give yourself a chance for life to get better. Which it will. Once you get a handle on the depression, fighting the gambling will get easier and then the road ahead will be clearer.

Keep breathing and keep going.

LifeBegins x

Thanks both for your encouragment.

If anything am getting worse. Am disappearing into netflix, am disappearing into escapist thoughts of alien moon bases, conspiracy theories, hurricans in the pacific and anything that takes me away from the reality of my life. When I pause to think of reality, my heart starts to race and i get scared and panicky.

Tommorrow I must get out of bed go to work and function, other wise am in deep s**t.

My mate was texting me constantly yesterday, he's high as a kite gambling on the horses. My other mate rings to tell me of a mutual accquaintence of ours that he found siting on a bench tears in eyes. He begged my mate for money for food. He gave him some. He went straight to the bookies. Most people I know are f****d up through gambling. If I don't make it, somebody stick my diary at the top of the page as warning to the young gamblers of today.

Today I won;t gamble, but I may just eat a loaf of bread and jam, which is akin to stabbing myself in the arm, sufferance for a life time of feeding the f*****g machines.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

How are you doing these days? How is work?
Hope you're taking things easy and looking after no1. This evil disease is not worth your mind f**k, it will only manifest in it if you let it.
Give yourself some time, pace your feelings out and you will slowly start surfacing bk to the living. Sounds easy, i know it does...reality is, nothing in life comes easy, we are working towards it and you my friend are no different.
Look after yourself and stay strong..one second at a time, one minute at a time..one hour at a time..whatever it takes...we are all here, rooting for you - keep connected..

S x

Thanks both... and no gambling since last post. I managed my 3 days at work.

Life goes on...

thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,

I'm so pleased you are hanging in there, because things really will sort themselves out given a little time, as long as you don't spend too much time worrying about the future. Easier said than done, I know, but when you are depressed, you see things through some horrific hall of mirrors kind of distorted lens, and freak yourself out with it. The future will of course hold challenges, but no where near the level your thoughts are convincing you of.

3 days a week sounds kind of ideal, in that you will earn enough to get by I'd imagine, but you wouldn't be under as much pressure as doing that job full-time. Well done on managing the 3 days. An epic feat when you are feeling the way you do.

I can very much relate to getting sucked in to the online world of conspiracy theories and so on! I have been known to spend hours on youtube watching videos about the illuminati and such like. I see it as a less damaging form of escapism than gambling would be, although a lot of the vids get you quite paranoid and anxious if you take them too seriously!

The future will take care of itself, if you stay in ODAAT mode until things feel more manageable. I'm really, really proud of you for going on the meds, as I do understand how that required challenging some pretty strong attitudes you have about how you "shouldn't" use them to cope.

I have seen you interrupt the cycles with changes a few times lately, and I have the utmost respect for you, as I know how terrifying that is.

Just massive well done!

f x

Thanks Freda... your understand me very well and you help to lift my flagging spirits.

Its taken me ages to write that sentence. Am finding it so hard to function and concentrate. I didn't go out yesterday. I spent most of the day in bed. My mate (if i can really call him that) came round, unexpectedly. He used my phone for ages to sort out his issues and then left. I texted him to say could he leave something for the calls as i'd run out of free minutes. He came back with some bits for lunch which was nice, but i didn't really want bits for lunch, I wanted some money for all the calls. He said nothing and I didn't have the mental energy for a row, so that was that. This is the person that I was trying to keep at arms length with a view to as little contact as possible. but its come to nout. Whilst I like a game of chess with him, thats about it. He's not a bad person but he doesn't help my recovery, not really. He gambles every day, he's up at the moment and full of bravdo as a result. In reality not alot of people want to know him. He annoys people and he doesn't really undertsand why. Anyway... thats him..

I really want to brush my teeth, but its proving real hard to actually do it. It sounds stupid doesn't it. I hope the tablets start doing something useful soon. Its been many years since ive felt quite as low as this.

I have no desire to gamble, that would just finish me off completely. It seems so strange that for a basically intelligent man, ive time and time again returned to the behaviour that is guranteed to empty my bank account and get me feeling as low as its possible to get. But then i suppose thats the point isn't it, self-punishment, self-destruct. The perfect way to beat oneself up.

No more, no more. I don't want to die just yet, not if I can help it.

Thanks for listening... S.A

I do understand, and it will pass - I promise. That guy sounds like an energy vampire. They are hard to shake off, but they do get the message eventually. Be as unavailable as possible - you know, don't answer calls and texts no matter how melodramatic they are, then say you left your phone at work, so didn't get them until days later. Stuff like that.

f x

Dear SA,

I really appreciate you dropping by with your continued support to me, especially as you are low on energy.

Keep pushing through these days, those tablets will soon push in, and help.

Totally agree with Freda about your friend, you don't need any negatives at this time,

I think you have done great doing your days at work,,expect you found it exhausting, but you did it :)))

Proud of you SA, because I understand how going back to work (feeling like you do ) was an enormous effort on your part.

Don't worry about not brushing your teeth today ( think what you have saved on toothpaste lol:))).

Seriously if you don't feel like doing anything at this time, don't panic or worry about it, you have been through S***e and back, recharge your batteries, one day at a time, and with what you feel ok with. You will mend , but it takes time (I know you know this x)

You have always been an inspiration to me since I first came here, and you will continue to be, you say how it is, you are a very honest and yes a lovely man, SA.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

Suzanne xxx

Hey thank you both.

Alas I continue to feel very low. Am trying to galvanise myself into positivity and start doing positive things, but it feels hard and am struggling. Sadness runs deep.

Ive been reading a bit, trying to come to terms with how my life has been for so long. Addiction to slot machines is such a stupid way to live and be.

I understand that I must stop feeling sorry for myself in order to move forward. All being well I will get there in time.

No gambling since my last post and no gambling today.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Morning SA,

Keep pushing through, I hope you feel better as the day moves on.

Suzanne xxx

Hey SA,

It's been a while since I was here, but just dropping by to see how you were doing and offer some support

Keep your chin up and keep trying old friend - things can get better

Weldy

Hi SA,

Man!!!! Look at you..all tired, pisse d off and fed up in life and still...you keep reaching out to support others! If that doesn't say it all about you - let me bloody point out - you are ABSOLUTY AMAZING!!!
Thank you for your kind words..i am not going for van driver job (thank God..me is not good driver esp when it comes to hills! I usually freeze, bold on the handbrake and pray :-/ lol...besides..i always have loud music on so i don't hear any "suspicious sounds" from the car..and trust me..i get them in buckets lol)

I shall get there and if not, i know it wasn't meant to be. We shall see ☺...volunteering is giving and i have more than enough to give! You ever thought of that? I know you give more than you can at work...but maybe on ur days off something what brings you happiness and pleasure will help you a little? (Not suggesting getting your leg out round the corner..and me is not on the same page either lol..just thought i will mk it clear ☺)

Give some time for medication to kick in..tbey do take a while..trust me, you will start feeling better soon

S x

Hi SA,

Knock knock my friend, I hope those tablets are now kicking in, and you are feeling a little better.

Take care

Suzanne xxx