Hope

Hi SA,

How are you doing?
Ya know i thought of you today (yesterday while running), how are you keeping up with the exercise?. I thought to myself while feeling pretty knackered on the run...do i have any pain in my legs/joints? -No. Am i out of breath and hurting chest - No...so why i feel like crawling ahead lol..these things i do ask myself on my runs cause in other words i shouldn't slow down or stop, I'm not in physical pain, only mentality tells me "enough"..nahhh..that won't stop me lol.

Anyway, just came by to check on you this early Saturday morning, hope you're doing well and getting control bk in your life.
Here if you need me...you know where to find me dear friend

S x

Thanks friends.... sorry I not been on for a few days. I just been getting my head together a bit, or trying to anyway.

Pleased to say that no gambling and no urges to gambling. Am so sick of the gambling merry go round that ive stopped the merry go round completely. Ive wedged a big metal bar in it so that it doesn't turn at all.

The really dark thoughts I was having have passed but the sadness and depression remains, but I can cope with that. I start to calm down when i stop throwing my money away. I start to put my life back into some sort of realistic perspective.

I managed to galvanise myself to do a 14 hour shift through the agency, one to one work with a young man with downs syndrome and autism. Really intense it was, can't take your eyes off him, but I did it... a weeks rent or 10 minutes gambling. Crazy isn't it. I will pay my rent with it, god d**n it!!

I told my dad I had been gambling. My dad told me me I was going into hospital to have cancerous glands removed. It puts life into persepctive. Its that time in life when you give back to your parents but here I am still wallowing in my selfish addiction.

Anyway life goes on. I will get better.

Thanks for listening...S.A

Hi S.A..

I get it. I really do. The dark thoughts that oftentimes lead to self destructive compulsive behaviours. The aftermath just more self battery and more self destructive compulsive behaviour. Effing merry -go - f*****g -round. I too find myself at times feeling ok and then its as if somehow its just not ok to feel ok. w*f is up with that?? We deserve to feel ok S.A. You feel better then, do a brave thing by telling your dad and then feel guilty for being an addict. Give yourself a break S.A. Yeah, the suffering of folks we love does put some of our own b u ll sheeit in perspective for sure. But, it aint exactly easy pushing through sadness and depression. Dark thoughts are just thoughts. Getting to a calm place and then taking back control. That's the ticket right? One hour, one minute, one stinkin second at a time if that's what it takes. I'm by your side. -joanxxx

Thanks Joan... and yes I know I need to give myself a break, its just hard thats all.

I am a little calmer thats for sure. I take myself right to the edge of calamity, but pull myself back from the brink just in time. I will get some money at the end of the month and will just avoid rent and council tax arrears. As long as I continue to work then I will keep my roof over my head and food in my belly. never again will I take myself to the edge. Ive been this way for so many years. Its got to change. Its no life.

I went for a run this morning.... 10 miles. Hard slog it was, but I did it.

No gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

I relate to what you are saying. You are not selfish, though. Funnily enough, telling yourself stuff like that, as you probably know, will make it more likely that you feel like sheet and gamble again.

I often see the link between compulsive behaviours and addictions, and autism. No-one would say an autistic person is selfish - they're just not well. Autistic people fly into rages because they struggle to manage their emotions and behaviour, addicts act out because they also struggle to manage their emotions and behaviour. Just as valid, just as real. One more socially acceptable than others.

I have moments when I can't imagine ever feeling happy again, I remind myself that I've thought that before, and last time I was wrong. Just keep reminding yourself you've been here before, you didn't believe it would pass before, but it did. It will this time. It will.

Fantastic work on going for a run - you can achieve amazing things. You do every single day.

f x

Thanks Freda... I think on balance I feel a bit better than I have been feeling for ages. I don't know whether its just a case of not having gambled for a while or whether the anti-d's are starting to kick in, or simply the panick of impending rent arrears is passing or a combination of all three. Probably all three!

Ive just done a shift in one of these so called villages for the elderly. Lots and lots of self-contained flats with other facilities on site. It was quite interesting to meet all these elderly folk in the twilight of their lives and see how they are coping with illness and disability. We are all so different from each other. Some are chatty and cheerful, some are angry and bitter. Some just waiting for death and are quite open about it.

As for me it was in at the deep end. More than half the staff on the early shift were agency with two of us having never been there before! I find myself going into peoples flats on my own, not really knowing what I am supposed to be doing or how am supposed to be supported the person and of course its all agaianst the clock. A list of ten plus people to visit, many of whom are immobile. They don't know me I don't know them. I muddle through. I got the immpression that most of them are use to it. Its not so bad when they can tell you how they want to be helped but when they are confused its like the blind leading the blind.

It was only a 7 hour shift but to be honest am exhausted. The place is so big as well. Easy to get lost and disorientated, which happened several times. And I had one farsical moment where i left my swipe card in someones flat and then I got morooned with someones lunch in a corridor.

I tell you something folks. Stay in your own home for as long as you can. Its a lottery whether you will get consistent care in supported living. Chances are you will see many different faces. half of whom won't know what they are doing. I tried my best though. Cheerful and chatty I was.

Tommorrow am back for a long day with a chap with downs syndrome and autism. High needs, eyes on at all times. This is what i do to dig myself out of gambling trouble. I work hard for my money, never again will I f**k up through gambling.... one day at a time.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA, good to see you doing so well. Even though it's been so tough, you still keep putting one foot in front of the other each day.You're up and about and working hard. "Cheerful and chatty" to the residents....I'm sure they were glad to have you as their carer. My guess is that some of the heplers are neither cheerful or chatty.

Onwards and Upwards eh?

LifeBegins x

SA,

If it weren't for people like you, looking after the elderly/disabled/mentally and physically/ that establishment would be a much more

sorry place.

i heard on the news yesterday,( you people are soo hard worked and under so much stress,) it did not surprise me that a care worker had asked one of their patients ( not sure what term to use so excuse me if it's the wrong phrase) to say they had visited when they hadn't.

The work you do is totally underestimated and hidden under the carpet by councils and the government.and it is not recognised to its full capacity, Carers are not recognised for the hard work/ and skill that is needed,

It takes a very big person ( lovely man) like you to be able to do this job, 100% hats off to you SA for continuing to do a job that matters now (or will do in our lifetimes) either with our family or ourselves.

My LMs Mum is a carer, she does one to one, going to the same house every day looking after that persons needs every day, she has made such a big bond with this person, I wished every individual person, who needs care can get that special bond with their Carers.

You are doing a very important job, SA and I am proud to be a small part of your journey in your recovery.

Take care lovely man and Keep SAS, you are doing quite a few amazing things at this time.

Suzanne xxx

Day 25 gamble free.... thanks folks 🙂

Am off to do a 14 hour shift. Am dreading it. Why do I put myself through through this??

Thanks for listening.

Day 26 gamble free.

Well there we go Ive done 49.5 hours this week and 10 hours of cycling. Digging myself out of my financial hole.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 27.... On balance i'd say am getting back on track. I feel better than i did. Getting back into recovery.

No Gambling

Thanks for listening

You, never left recovery SA, as soon as we know gambling is dangerous to our health, we make the hard journey of recovery, yes it is a hard journey at times, but soo much worth it for us, self believe in the knowledge we can , is a big key my friend, gambling is a nasty crutch to our problems, it's not the answer to our problems, it's not even a solution to the addiction, it just feeds us dry until we are menatlly,and physically broken all round, this addiction even makes us query and delve deep iin to our lives, past, present and future,

You are doing great SA, you won't let it get the better of you, you have had a long walk but you are still doing the walk,

As always proud to be on this journey with you

Suzanne xxx

Hey thanks Suzanne... youre just ace! 🙂

Am feeling ok. Ive just finished a 6 day stretch of work, earning money. It really scared me that I wouldn't be able to cope with the world of work and was just going to lie in bed until the baliffs arrived. But no I got my act together and got on with work and life. The threat of rent and council tax arrears has now receded over the horizon and as long as i don't gamble I will be just fine.

Psychologically am in a much better place as well. Just this last week ive started to feel much better even though ive been tired through work. Ive kept taking the pills but again am not sure whether its them or just the fact that am not gambling and not facing financial meltdown anymore. I guess when i re-visit the doc when the tablets run out, we will have that chat. Am sure he will want to ween me off them, but maybe I need to be on something for life. Its not nice when it feels like such an ordeal just to get out of bed and go and brush my teeth lol... that was me just 3 or 4 weeks ago.

Ive had no urges to gamble. This last year of periodic binge gambling and the emotional rollercoaster that accompanies it has been very unpleasant. It will stop.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Another day living normally and without squandering my hard earn't money.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Good calm post SA,

Suzanne xxx