Hope

I went to Ga yesterday. I listen and look. I see on peoples faces where they are at in recovery as they no doubt see where I am at in mine. I am not talking of time gambling free here. I do not think that there is a direct parrellel betweem time gambling free and enjoyment of life in recovery. One member perhaps 3 weeks gambling free seems ever so happy but another member more than a year free looked and spoke with a great sadness.

I am inspired though by a long term member who after many many years gambling free had come to the realisation that all they had done was not gamble. They had reached a new low... a gambling free low.. where they said that they had started to research how to kill themselves. A very despairing place to be after having not succumbed to gambling addiction and yet feeling so very unhappy. However this member then spoke of finding a new resolve to make changes to their life and allow a little happiness and joy into their life. Several years after this members gambling free rock bottom they are and indeed appear to be... very happy and enjoying life and still gambling free.

As I say I find this members story trully inspirational. they stuck with recovery throughout and eventually found their way to a sense of peace and serenity.

I think one of the reasons that i had decided to stop my diary was because I was perhaps sub-conciously starting to plot a return to gambling.. not straight away mind but at some point and what better way to start that process than to stop posting.. soon to be forgotten and drift off to page 7.

I will stick with the process though... I will. I do not want to gamble. I am struggling in life really. The original reasons that brought me to this forum are still not resolved. I cannot stop thinking about work issues even though i have plenty of time away from it now that I work part-time. I fluctuate betweem anger and depression and probably a whole host of other emotions that am not quite sure what they are. I withdraw into my own headspace more and more. I have no peace of mind really.

I cope though to a fashion. For all my grumblings about Ga it did its job yesterday. The group as a whole did its job. I realise that i am not alone in all of this. The sort of things i think and feel are felt by others whether with addiction of without. I am normal I am human with all my imperfections.. and thats ok. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Morning SA,

Good to see you keeping your diary going and really enjoyed reading your last post. Peace of mind eh? Would be great to find that place one day.

Like you say, the emotions and struggles you encounter in daily life are natural, however the more we withdraw into our own headspace the more obsessive these emotions become and the harder they are to deal with.

As you mentioned a few weeks ago, perhaps time to get out there on the social scene a bit more, the busier you are there the less time you have to dwell on potentially negative emotions.

I have been off work this week before I start again on monday and have found that with lots of time on my hands I start worrying unduly about things I can't change. Think I need to be busy, busy, busy - hopefully then life takes over and you just don't have the time to dwell on things.

Take care,

DT.

Morning Dt and thanks.

Your right in all you say.

I just need to acknowledge to myself that i feel alot better than i did yesterday. The demon drink and hangover depression and anxiety had struck again.

Am not at work today, the sun is out.. am gonna get out and about. Another gambling free day. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Hello S.A

Thanks for your post on my diary. I find it a great help that people can empathise with what I consider to be very strange feelings and emotions.

Your post from Wednesday night was helpful too. I've gone 42 days without gambling - but do I feel any better than day 1 - probably not. Of course, the pain of that last losing bet has worn off, but whatever caused me to play roulette until all my money had gone is still there. Wish I knew where to go from here really.

Hi SA or shall i call you arnie, your back and im glad, again lol! your defo not a t*t either!

I admire you and take pleasure out of reading your posts, mainly cos i can relate to so much of what you are saying. Your gamble free time speaks for itself!

Anyway my posts are not the best but i do care and i do genuinely thank you.. ands

Hiya SA,

Just popping in to say hello..I'm back also. Look forward to your future posts and I trust that all is going well for you 🙂

Del xx

Hi SA

Hope you are ok, finally i got a job and im very happy........I would like to thank you for all your help and support throughout my time here! You have given me some great advice and some smiles along the way and im realy grateful..

Anyway i hope you have a good weekend, thanks again take care... ands

Thanks everyone for your positve feedback.. much appreciated.

Am feeling a bit f***** up today.. dunno why really.. thoughts leading to feelings leading to actions. Not gambling actions I would add.

If only after such a long period of time gambling free i'd start to feel more settled and happy in myself.. but I don't. I know whats wrong I need to make certain changes.. ive let the situation I am in drag on for so long.. I need change. I want change.. life is not easy.. my life is not easy

My state of mind is not great today and yet uesterday I was fine.. its just when i start to think about things and then i start to get angry and it takes on a whole momentum of its own. Dealing with my feelings is like walking across a field not knowing whether i'm about to step on a mine field.

Strangely gambling is far away across over the horizon, day 553 gambling free.. they soon mount up. I guess my coping skills do work.. proof is in the pudding. Am sure tomorrow I will feel differently again.. its kinda helped to just write like this. A random flow of random thoughts trying to make sense of things. What will be will be. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA thank you for your support in my Diary. I hope i make it to 553 days it just seems so long to go. But you keep up the good work and whatever changes you make i hope the work out for you.

Hi SA

Thanks for popping in on my diary, appreciate it as always, hope you are feeling ok today!

Short and sweet, thats me lol!

take care mate, ands

Am feeling much better today. I was feeling dreadfully sorry for myself yesterday and I don't know why.. not a drop of alcohol passed my lips this weekend.. and yet I was full of depression and anger and paranoia.. what was all that about?.. am at a bit of a loss.

Today has been a good day.. work went well.. getting on with others fine and then this evening down the gym. I managed a few minutes on the treadmill.. with much caution and touch wood my shin injury aint hurting. I am healing at long last. The exercises for shin splints is starting to help.

Anyway as i say, i just wanted to acknowledge a good day after a strange and scary day yesterday. O and I nearly forgot. gambling free of course! 🙂 Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Just to say hi and you're doing so well SA.

I wanted to add I know that I have to watch myself in the run up to Christmas. So easy to feela bit down if you are a singleton.. but there are many people the same.

I am lucky and have family so will not use that as an excuse to gamble today.

Thanks for posting in my diary the other day. Helped me a lot!

Walked past the bookies last night felt so proud as I had banned myself also saw one of the people that I knew in there walk out. I actually felt myself think 'poor chap still in the cycle of gambling'.

Although I did think he might be winning for sure he' s stuck in the cycle of addiction W-W-W-L-L-L- etc what a waste of time!!

He happened to be the person that got me to back on that FOBT after a big win and join in the game then ended up losing the lot!! Probably has saved me a fortune longterm...

Need to post in my diary been off a little time and need to watch myself in Dec..

Cheers Awayout

Hiya SA

Thank you for the message on my diary 🙂 a fault of mine is to concentrate on the c**P and not see that I'm doing okay lol.. thank you for your encouragement..as always x

Glad to hear your on the up again 🙂

Del x

Thanks Awayout and Del 🙂

Another day dawns gambling free. Went to Ga last night. Quite a good meeting. A newbie and a returner. Its interesting to listen to and to see the relief in peoples faces at having the oppurtunity to tell their stories. I am reminded of a time when the only person that new about my gambling and how destructive it was, was me. It swam around my own headspace for a long time before I set it free.

I listen to poeples stories... eg I won this amount and then 20 minutes later i had nothing but i managed to get more money from such and such and then i clawed the money back and then i thought just a bit more but before i new it, i'd lost the lot and I was in the s**t and so it continues.

I am reminded that now i don't gamble my bank balance remains stable at all times.. just the usual direct debits and standing orders. I find that once rent and bills and travel is paid for I spend not much money really. A small amount of money can last many days and yet when gambling a few hundred pounds is gone in a few hours fevered gambling. I aint going back to all that s**t again, the new members at Ga remind me of all that and I dont just hear it but I see it in the anguish on the faces and in that sense Ga does work.

Regards to all who read this and keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A

Just read through your last post and can totally relate to that so much..seeing the relief in peoples faces to share thier stories and know that they are not alone..this is best thing about the GA meetings..and when i did attend for a few weeks last year it was a good experience to hear first hand the destruction that gambling does and to see peoples faces and all the stress and burden they are going through exactly the same as we all are that are struck with this problem...i like your comment not going back to that s**t again..and it is exactly how i feel..i dont wanna feed the bookies any more i need to feed myself and my family...keep strong S.A i do enjoy reading your posts.