Hope

hi SA,

thanks for writing in my diary.

just read your story on page 136. congratulations on coming so far. your story touches the heart though most of us have so many similarities in one form or another and it is a big encouragement for new persons like me to see when people like you can carry it so long, then why cant we.

i wish you all the best in future. are you still single? it is more difficult to cope when you are single. i am lucky in this way that atleast i have a lovely son to keep me busy in the evenings and hopefully if i win back my wife's trust... then the recovery may be less painful.

thanks for your support.

Hi S.A.

Thanks for your post and kind words.

Just read your previous post, wish I read it a bit earlier.

Not much I can say at the moment, but pleased you've had a good few days and the leg is showing improvement.

Thanks again

M

Hi SA,

Just wanted to drop in and say a cyberhello and good to see you still posting and working your recovery.

You been speed dating yet?

Take care,

DT.

ps.when i was dating, most of them were quite speedy, but not through my own choice,:-)

Hey thanks everybody.. its always great to get replies even when I been around for a long time.. so thanks. Any yes am still on me own and have done very little about changing that... though I want to.. am just very self-contained a hard habit to change.. and a bit depressed which don't help.. not quite the dynamic driven man that many a women seems to go for. I also dont especially know what I want.. not the most attractive quality lol

It just goes to show though that I have stopped gambling 100% for myself. I could gamble any time and nobody would ever know.. but I would know. I'd only be lying to myself and then i'd be a hypocrite on here and at Ga. Honesty is the best policy. And i can honestly say that i have not gambled since I started this diary. Am happy about that. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

I felt a warm glow from being in chat tonight. Just wanted to share that really. DT is funny, i like reading his funny posts.

You are very nice to talk to. It is hard to get out there dating, I used to hate being so vulnerable. I dont think anyone likes dating! lol.

I met my future husband on a dating site. I liked messaging back and forth a few times and building a bit of a rapport first. He was shy too, and quite sensitive and gentle.

Dont know why im rambling on, you always saying that about yourself on my diary!

Anyway, take care,

f x

S.A,

You've stopped gambling 100% for yourself and you feel happy about that.

Well let me tell you something, this thread isn't 100% for yourself, because you've shared so much with everyone here and we can't thank you enough for your support and inspiration. And you can feel REALLY happy and proud about that. You're a pretty cool dude. You'll get a pretty cool chick...eventually!

Oh and kudos to Deep trouble: "ps.when i was dating, most of them were quite speedy, but not through my own choice,:-)"

LOL!

Thanks Freda and Sirgamblelot your thoughts mean alot and get me a thinking. I say to myself if nothing changes then nothing changes. Only I can make things change and that means doing something rather than doing nothing. Easy to say, not so easy to do. I am a bit of a dreamer.. this is something I want to work on.

I had a text from a fellow Ga attender yesterday. He had just gambled a months wages and unsurprisingly wasnt feel his best. I had no idea how to reply to that. In the past I might have met up, gone out for beers (on me) and we'd of both got P*****. Commiserate with the fellow addicted gambler and at some point probably have slipped him a note to help ease the pain through to the next payday. I have been on both sides of this scenario.

I have changed now though.. ive got more hard school and simply encouraged him to get back to Ga and not to do anything daft. Its the same as when someone showed up at my flat looking for money I truned them away. It don't help an ddicted gambler (myself very much included) to bail out or to ease the pain. We.. I.. have to feel the consequences.. its the only thing thats really worked with me.

The harsh thing is is that both the events described are reminders for me. They serve to embolden me not to start on that slippery slope once again. Its a question of survival. Today I feel very secure in recovery and yet tomorrow I know I may feel very different. Its a tough addiction. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A

Just dropping by to say have a great weekend, your thoughts always get me thinking, and like you I'm a bit of a dreamer and as you know still looking for the right girl. You deserve to be happy s.a and like you it may take a little extra courage but unless we act on our dreams it's unlikely they will become reality.

Think you did the right thing with the fellow g.a member as hypocritical as this may sound as i know we have both been there, for me and for the foreseeable future i have to focus primarily on me and not carry other peoples problems on my shoulders, to make sure I'm OK before i can really help anyone else, but thats just me.

anyhow have a great weekend, if you find a nice lady on your travels and she has a sister drop me a mail...:-)

green x

Hiya SA,

Just reading your last post there and I think you definetely did the right thing for him and yourself.

Hope your having a nice weekend 🙂

Del xx

Hi S.A.! I haven't been by the forum for a while, but so glad to see that you're doing amazing!!! I had to take a break from posting for a while and just focus on work, and meeting some new friends and transitioning from my former life. I'm doing well, though finances are still tough because of all that gambling did to my life! I think that's the worst reminder of the past, for me.

But, loads to look forward to, and the future is so much brighter without gambling in it, isn't it???

Sending big hugs from across the ocean, as always!

Love, Anna

Hi Anna,

Thanks for dropping in and good to hear that you continue your transition from your former life.. keep it up! 🙂

Yourself and Lucy were the first people to reply to me back when i first joined.. getting on for 19 months ago (time flies!) and were probably instrumental in me sticking with my diary. Its important to get replies, especially in the early days i think.. ive continued that thinking ever since with replying to other newbies.

Ive been pondering your question about the future being brighter without gambling in it??? My one word answer to that is of course YES.. for the simple fact that i now have money and can pay my rent and bills and all the other of lifes expenses. When I was gambling and couldnt do that I lived in a world of deep anxiety and stress.. life was s**t and i would never want to return to that.. one day at a time of course!

However the problem I find in NOT living in a perpetual state of crisis is this thing they call reality. To be honest I have become acutely aware of my own lack of social life and lack of companionship and there is nothing like the run up to Xmas that really makes this hit home. As the Ga literature says the financial issues seem the easiest to solve (or atleast to stabalise) its the underlying reasons that led to addictive gambling in the first place thats the hard part.

I feel stuck in a pattern of self-imposed isolation..besides going to the gym or for a swim I don't really socialise at all at the moment and I really have no desire to go to the pub and get P*****.. cos whats the e***n point. i read back to some of the stuff i was writing this time last year and its much the same really.. and its dishearteneing.. the sameness, the low level depression, functioning but not thriving.

yes live is better without gambling but am o so much in touch with my own feelings and that scares me sometimes. A part of me still wants to run for cover in the familiarity I new before. Doing something about my situation is hard.. doing nothing is easy but dangerous in the long term.

I feel stuck I feel sacred that i will not be able to affect any meaningful change in my life. That I will continue to go through life merely reacting to events as they happen rather than being pro-active. I know the sorts of things that i need to be doing but I just dont do them. I feel like a frightened rabbit dazzled in the cars head lights.. frozen in fear. Feel the fear and do it anyway... come on!!!

Sorry for the self-pitying post (and I dont have a hangover) but whats the point in keeping a dairy without the negative s**t as well. I guess this is my way of trying to give myself a kick up the a**e. Logic says that hermit tendencies will drive me back to gambling eventually. When i don't move forward I start to move backwards.

Its not easy living on ones own. The motivation to do stuff has to come from self at all times. I ask how many gamblers sustain recovery for any length of time who don't have lots of close support.. not many.. they do exist though. I guess i am one of them.

There is a chap at my Ga who continues to be my inspiration. He went for many many years without gambling and then wanted to kill himself because he realised that all he had done was not gamble.. all the other stuff just got ignored. He did eventually find his way through these tough times though and remain gambling free. I intend to do the same. I aint gonna throw in the towel.. one day at a time. Cos one day at a time really does work.

Thanks for listening folks.. S.A 🙂

as usual, very nice post SA, and i think the loneliness or this feeling of emptiness which you described is one of the reasons that people keep on relapsing again and again.

i was posted in psyhiatry for four months earlier this year, when i was totally clean for nearly six months and read lots of books and literature about gambling but still could not find answers why we keep on falling back. but i think the major reason is that somehow our brain fails to get this feeling of happiness or fulfillment which normal people get from ordinary things.

being alone can add to the problem as atleast person like me having a family has something to do whether willingly or forcibly.

all of a sudden, i realize that i have so much time in my life and still dont like to do something fruitful.

we need to retrain our mind to the same status as it used to be before we took to gambling.

i am gambling free for last 10 days but still spending lot of time in just thinking about the reasons why i slipped back when i knew the consequences before and i think the major reason was the emotional instability and one silly mistake ruined everything. but i am resolute this time that i will not give up easily.

hope you have a nice sunday.

SA

Oh dear, I get myself in those kinds of funks, where Im aware of my fear to move forward. It stinks doesn't it? I sympathise.

I wonder if starting with one, small, easy thing may be a good approach? Something you've been meaning to do but putting off thats not too scary.

Sometimes one small thing gets the ball rolling, so to speak.

I created some momentum using this approach a while back. I lost a bit momentum again shortly after like, lol, but some forward movement better than none i guess.

Families, gosh, pacing the floor stressing about making that call. Relating to that big time!

Take care,

f x

Hiya SA 🙂

I think Freda is spot on when she says one small thing gets the ball rolling.

Years ago I joined a group, (wont tell you what it is cos its so nerdy lol) but importantly it was with like minded people, and what sprang from that was ..good friends, and at times.. nerve racking opportunites..but with the support of the group I did quite a few things I never thought I would do. All the small achievements really built up my confidence and I love trying new things now.

Hope your having a nice evening 🙂 Take care

Del xx

Hi All.. thanks for your support. I will join something when the moment feels right. I realise that one of the blocks i have to moving forward is my work and always has been since i started this diary. It takes such alot out of me psycholgically and emotionally for a number of reasons and not especially the work itself. Alot of the time I just feel unhappy.

However today i choose to put a positive spin on it. I am confident that I will ultimately find my way through. My high stress levels won't last forever. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

P.s Nearly forgot.. another day dawns gambling free!!.. this diary remains a gambling free zone.. for that i am trully grateful.. well done to me 🙂