Hope

Hi my friend. I know exactly what you mean. The loneliness and being alone is one of the toughest things for me as well, and for many recovering gamblers, I suspect. I think for me, it was a huge reason behind my gambling.

Sitting in front of a slot machine didn't require a companion, slot machines didn't expect anything of me, didn't judge me, and didn't push me to do anything I didn't want to do. But, now that I'm not sitting in front of one, I find myself in the same boat - I'm not pushing myself to do things to better myself. I'll get there, though. One step at a time!

Sorry for the hijack in your diary, but like you said, well done to you, S.A. I'm so proud of you!

Love, Anna

Hi Anna.. yes exactly. Am forever describing the same to other gamblers. Its nice to have those thoughts reflected back to me. It re-inforces my own resolve not to retuirn to them. The slots were my ultimate pressure relief and escape but and an important BUT..with awful consequnces! Its those consequnces that motivate me not to gamble.

Also i totally agree that in taking the gambling away.. the underlying reasons that led to the gambling in the first place are laid bare. For me as I have said many times, whilst i have found stability in recovery and know what works for me to stop myself gambling when thoughts come along I still struggle to push myself to step out of my comfort zone.

Like you and others say I think that once i make one positive step that gives me a little confidence then it will start the ball rolling (in a non-gambling way of course!).. but in the meantime I will try my best not to beat myself up, I am not gambling on anything and havent done since May 25th 08.. and for that I am very proud of myself.

Anyway the sun is shinning.. time to get out and enjoy it.. cos it dont last that long this time of year. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Well done on all that time gambling free SA

Have to admit that I am still doing the lottery Wednesday and Saturday and would like to be where you are at NO GAMBLING. Staying off the FOBTs has been a Godsend these last couple months...

Still a long way to go I need to take a day at a time and it sounds like you are still doing that too!

I think you really appreciate each day more when you are not gambling.. I don't like my job as there is a gambling element (selling lotto products). Should put me off completely the sheer greed and waste of money and time!!!

Still find myself doing it though. I do want to be in that place oneday with no gambling as I have been doing the hravy stuff (roulette) far too long.

Still in the early days of recovery but getting there

All the best SA

Awayout

To one dodgy legged person from another 🙂

Just popping in to say hiya and hope all is okay your end. Thinking about you 🙂

Del x

Thanks for passing through Awayout and Del 🙂

I went into work today in a foul mood.. and yet within 10 minutes my moodiness was gone.. and to be honest I think it may have been cos i'd gone 2 full days, without having really spoken to anyone. It was probably a bunch of other stuff as well... but i think in reality i just just needed to talk.. to someone, anyone, about anything.

I remember from a mental health nursing placement I did years ago... that the unit always had a talking "social" thing with the clients first thing on a Monday morning.. cos alot of the clients may have gone the whole weekend without having spoken to anyone besides those cursory chats with till operators and maybe people in call centres. This is something I have to keep an eye on with me. I get introspective and disappear into my own thoughts very easilly and then i start to get all paranoid and suspicious. Not to a bad extent i'd add but to where its not very healthy.

In fact for me their was a period of a year or so back when my gambling was daily and all consuming and credit was plentiful.. where if it wasnt for "having" to have conversations with people because of work that i simply would not have bothered. The machines were my social life and people with all their confusing moods and emotions I just wanted nothing to do with them .. or so i convinced myself. Such is the power of compulsive gambling.

Anyway today has been another healthy gambling free day.. usually i'd get off down the gym now.. but today I think i will chill.. seeing the phsyio first thing in the morning.. see if he has any further help with my leg. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Another day passing gambling free.. am feeling good and positive today. Just back from the gym I think its given me that natural lift in mood.. so much healthier than the buzz and then despair that gambling brings.

Went to see the physio first thing and there wasnt much that he needed to do really. We just had a chat about stretching and strengthening exercises. Now am healing up I see more clearly what happened...

... I would go to the gym and just start running on tread mill with no warm up, no stretching, no nothing. I got away with doing that for a long time but then eventually something had to give. My calf muscles became very strong but other muscle groups didnt.. leading to an imbalance. My physio suggested to me that a certain tendon (I forget its name) may literally have been yanked away from the bone, due to this imbalance causing inflamation and pain... and its taken months to heal.

I have learnt my lesson. I strengthen the muscles that need strengthening. I stretch muscles before and after a workout. I listen to what my body is telling me. When i start to feel pain I stop exercising.

Ive just been looking back to posts I made months ago where i was saying how i'd run 15 or 20 km's on the tread mill and then doing the same thing the following day.. madness lol.. i was asking for trouble.. am not 18 anymore.

I ve also had a gait analysis done and I do pronate when i run. (dont ask me to explain lol) .. so ive got the right trainers now. The bloke who did it said he runs half-marathons. I asked him what his last time was and hes says 1 hour 47 minutes. I was well jealous lol but then he is about 20 odd.

Cheers for now folks.. get busy running.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

thanks for your post. You never come across preachy man, quite the opposite. You are the one who has got it sussed working complete abstinence. Im the naive div! lol.

I know deep down that it would be best for me too, but somehow Im not ready to let go completely. For now, letting go 99% isn't too shabby I reckon. I will get there.

Sounds like you've proper messed those pins of yours up! Bet you are relieved to have got good advice from someone who knows what they are talking about.

I am a strange creature regarding fitness! It is quite good to be able to swim half a mile, but I cant run more than a mile for toffee! I done 40 lengths on my own last week, which I was pretty proud of cos its a kilometre. Im gonna have a workout now too - I agree it gives you a great mood lift.

Anyways, good to hear you are getting yourself well looked after with your injury.

Take care,

f x

Hi Freda,

Ive only got it sussed a day at a time. The gambling monster within me is still their waiting to pounce. This morning is one of the mornings where i can't quite remmber why i can't do the lottery. Its just a pound and do i care if its living on a dream?? ... 566 days since my last gamble ... but it means jack s**t if i gamble again. Must say that i feel really low this weekend.. even just doing the washing up feels like such an effort.

I was watching Grand designs last night... there was this Scottish couple building their own dream home.. teaching themselves how to do it as they went along. They were so happy, so motivated, so full of vitality and joy.. working all the hours of the day and night and loving it. Makes me think how ****** depressed I am that even putting the butter back in the fridge feels like such an effort.. and b4 you think it... no i havent been out on the P*** and got a hangover.. just struggling today just struggling.. no goals, no ambition.. just a strength sapping miserableness.

Anyway thats me full of the joys of xmas lol.. Just for today I will not gamble.. thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,

I've had those... "even putting the butter back in the fridge feels like such an effort" days. Most people can identify with the way you are feeling & its OK to feel like that/have days like that... I think it only becomes a problem if those days add up.

So go grab that duvet my friend, curl up in front of the TV & eat junk food if it helps. Its OK to feel sorry for ourselves, sometimes. Tomorrow is a new day... to be started afresh, well rested. 😉

SA, I think you can be far too hard on yourself sometimes. Maybe part of that may be because you live alone at the moment? With just your own thoughts to react to?... I don't know... Jackie's waffling again, and theres more to come! lol.....

When I see single people such as yourself, Keith(although think he has a gf now), Ands etc. I very much admire your strengths in each of your own recoveries. Becoming gambling free and redefining your own lives & futures takes real guts & determination especially when there is not someone close, helping you with your battles.

I know no ones step into recovery is an easy one, but it must be made a little easier with someone to bounce any day to day fears & worries off of, surely?

So in a way I kinda see those added strengths that you all seem to possess as something quite special. Maybe your recoveries are stronger in the end?

Sending you warmth on a cold day

Jackie

Hello S.A and thanks for your post. I can so relate to your post and the way you feel today. I've had many a day where i didnt even get out of bed and couldnt be bothered to wash, cook, clean or anything remotely positive but chose to stay in a safe place for me.

I do believe that you have to have these days sometimes to appreciate the good and they come less and less the more we learn to deal with this illness. As Jackie says, dont be too hard on yourself, keep positive. What i do when i feel like that is pick up my GA books, log onto here or the GA website and try and find something positive to latch onto. Unlike some, im not one for ringing someone up and sharing. Ive always seen that as burdening someone and although thats not a text book attitude, its mine and how i deal with my emotions.

Travelling is my inspiration. Im learning more from it than anything in my whole life. To see less priveledged people smile and living their life makes me feel humble in mine and spurs me on more to share what i have and stay clean.

Best wishes to you

Keith

*HUG*

I have days like that all the time, it sucks. Thing is while you are in them it is hard to appreciate that it will pass and you will probably feel fine tomorrow.

Hope you have turned it into a great opportunity to rest, relax and do a bit of quality loafing. Who cares if you cant be ar**d to put the butter back in the fridge? In the great scheme of things, when you look back on your life on your death bed, I promise you wont say to yourself 'what a failure, I couldn't even put the butter back in the fridge on the 13th of December 2009. It ruined my life!'

Sorry if that come across sarky, it was meant to make you laugh...I am trying to fill the void from DT stepping back, who will tease us all now? lol.

Hope you are feeling better soon 🙂

Take care,

f x

Hi SA,

I hope your mood has lifted slightly today? I suppose we all have days like those...thing is with me I used to be gambling too...it was a recipe for disaster.

Hey SA....do you think you may be affected by S.A.D....the winter blues? I bought a light box....up to now it seems to have done the trick......just a thought.

You have done so well to remain gambling free for so long...that's something to be very proud of!

Grand Designs.....mmmm......I know quite a few friends who have done similar projects SA......nothing but arguing lol......the programme is probably highly edited just to make us lot envious...I reckon they don't even build it themselves....they just get someone else in to do the work!

Jas x

Hiya SA 🙂

I'm not long in from a nightshift and haven't been here for a couple of days..so just catching up..

Hey! hope your feeling okay (big hug). I've not been a fan of xmas for some time now..alot of unhappy memories...could go as far to say I hate it...but this year.. I'm sure you remember me saying ..I've been training myself to like it!

For me.. its about creating new memories..creating happy memories...so all the s**t gets lost..becomes distant. Breaking away from old ideas, creating new.

I know when I look back next year there will be a significant improvement in how I view it. It's required a concerted effort but I think its paying off.

Jas has mentioned a light box..I've borrowed one..and going to blast myself today with it..in hope I have fewer days where I find ..yes putting butter away an effort..definetely know were your coming from there.

Dunno if any of this makes sense but my ramblings anyway..Take care

Del xx

Hi All.. must admit am quite overwhelmed with the replies everyone. Ive read them through several times and now i feel all warm 🙂

Am pleased to report that the butter is now back in the fridge. I think when I write my memoirs they will be called

"Utterly butterly... heaven and hell"

Your right everybody I am very hard on myself. I think I need to ease up on myself. I am ok. I guess its not easy for anyone when they live alone.. there are ups and downs to it. I can be totally selfish of course. I can do what i want as the mood suits but like Jac says.. alone with ones thoughts can be dangerous territory.. well it can be for me anyway. I also acknowledge to myself that i do not enjoy this time of year.. maybe a light box would help. The pre-xmas mouth ulcer season is also underway, the little devil in my mouth is stinging as i type.

Am with you on the phones thing Keith. me and phones just dont mix. My 9 year old nephew is more talkative than I am... and thats saying something. I like to be able to see who i am talking to.. be aware of the physical communication as well as the verbal.

Phones for me are for arranging things, in fact texts are ideal. When i am alone with my thoughts and I am troubled..picking up the phone is the last thing I am gonna do. I guess this is why i am a prolific writer on here. For the most part writing settles me down.. mostly anyway. Thats also the value of exercise for me. It helps me to calm myself.. helps me to soothe my moments of anxiety, paranoia and troubling thoughts.

As I say to others. Whatever works keep doing it.. so here i am writing away on another day, another day passing gambling free. Thanks again for offering your thoughts folks.. rest assured i shall be parchuting into yours sometime soon. Regards.. S.A 🙂

Hi Sa,

glad to hear you are feeling a little better, if a little ulcer-y!

I have had a duvet day today, and have done absolutely b*m all constructive. Im about to tackle the washing up off 2 days ago, lol.

If I had a job to go to, I would have got myself out of bed and gone. Im frustrated that its taking so long to sort out a pretty basic position with the council but hey-ho! I am prone to depression and benefit from having somewhere im supposed to be. It forces me to get on with it.

For now, Im trying to accept that I dont get it right everyday, but does anyone?

Take care,

f x